Being and Belonging

"Now when our hearts were depressed and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success" (Alma 26:27)

These past two years have been quite the rollercoaster of growth for me. Today is especially a day of reflection. Two years ago (almost exactly) I was headed home from Provo to prepare to leave on my mission. Now, I am spending my first day in a new apartment back in Provo. I have come full circle.

When I left on my mission, I was full of insecurity, bottled up anger and anxiety, and an immense desire to fit in. I was quiet, perhaps a little timid, unsure of myself. I wasn't very nice to myself either. I had a good life in Provo- great friends, good classes, a fun job- and I was going to miss it immensely, as I headed off to this strange place, full of strange people, to talk about something most of them might not even want to hear.

On my mission, I struggled with depression and anxiety. It was hard. I made so many good friends and learned new things about the gospel, about myself, and about people in general. I learned to love the rain. It was difficult to go out every day, walking for miles and offering complete strangers something that means everything to me, only to get rejected more than 9 times out of 10. I faced a lot of change. The scripture above came to mean a lot to me, because that was often how I felt.

Since I've gotten home from my mission, I've noticed some of the effects of that change. I feel like I am more free, more happy, more trusting and compassionate, especially with myself. Before and during my mission, my self-talk was more like self-abuse. But over time, I've begun to take better care of myself, treat myself kindly even when I make mistakes. I've been seeing a counselor and a doctor and I learned that some of what is going on is due to my brain being out of whack, and so I have some medication to help keep me balanced- giving me a good baseline to spring off of.

Yesterday, as my mom and I were driving to Utah, all my things in the back of the van, I realized- and expressed- that since I've begun to love and accept myself, it has become amazingly easier to love and accept others. I feel connected to those around me- my family, my friends- in a deeper way. Before, I felt that there was a distance, a wall, that kept me from building these connections, from really caring. I was too worried about fitting in, about being the strong one. It was really a very self-centered way to live. But beginning to care for myself has allowed me to truly turn outwards towards others, to truly care for them, to build a better relationship with God and with my Savior.

One more story- On Tuesday night, my YSA branch had a Relief Society activity. We made pizza and watched a movie (Beauty and the Beast- one of my favorites). As I was a part of the Relief Society presidency, I was involved in trying to think up a spiritual thought. I didn't think of anything until I was almost to the activity. Then the Spirit helped me connect what I needed to see. I thought of Alma- the verse above- and I thought about trials. My mission- the hardest and also the most wonderful thing I've done up to this point in my life. My struggles with mental health, with anxiety and depression- they make living every day hard. But these things taught me.

A pizza, when raw, is not an ugly thing. But neither is it really edible. It has so much potential to become something delicious. It has so many varieties- as many as there are people. Yet, it all comes from the same base, with shared characteristics. And all of it must go through the flames, so to speak. It must bake at incredibly high temperatures in order to reach its potential.

So it is with each of us, We are all children of a Heavenly Father. We all have come to earth to be tried, to learn and grow. We are all unique. And our trials- everything in this life- is our oven. We are being transformed from raw materials into something amazing. My mission and my experiences have helped me to become a better person and a better friend. Yet I am still myself- only I am more true to myself and my purpose. Like a pizza. (even though I'm not covered in cheese and pepperoni).

The more I care for myself, the more I act as myself, and the less I attempt to fit in, the more I realize how beautiful the world is, how amazing every person can be, and how much I love it. The more I love myself, the more I can love others. And that is pretty amazing.