8/2/17

Sometimes I know what causes the anxiety. Other times it hits with no warning. Or with so little warning that I disregarded it. This week I noticed an increase in apathy, but seeing as it was apathy, I ignored it. It's hard to observe one's own emotions. I thought, oh just stress, just being tired, etc. But this morning, the rest of it hit me like a brick wall.

Anxiety. Not enough. Not good enough. Too much to do. Too much stress. How are you supposed to have friends, a relationship, a job, and still take care of yourself and serve others? How are you not strong enough to do all of that? I know all of this is wrong. I am on day two of my job. I am helping someone by babysitting tonight. I miss my boyfriend, but it's only been one day. He's not going to leave me over that.

Depression. Never enough. Never good enough. Don't turn to anyone. Don't reach out. Don't tell them. They don't care anyway. I know, rationally, that people care, but when your brain convinces you to fear them, to hide, it's hard to say no. In the middle of the day, people are busy. They're at work, or living life. How dare I interrupt with my little problem? It doesn't even have a reason behind it.

This past week has been like living a dream. It has been incredible. Now I'm getting the backlash. I'm still figuring out the balance of how much I can do before overloading myself. Right now, it is taking everything I have to force myself to eat breakfast and go to work instead of just going back to sleep. It is taking everything I have to not dig my fingernails into my skin in an effort to let all of this energy out. I feel like a shaken soda bottle, about to explode from the pressure. It beats on every  inch of my skin. Writing this is rebellion against my own mind, an effort to reach out, but in a way that doesn't inconvenience anybody. A small rebellion, but better than giving in.

I am trying.

I showered today. I brushed my hair. I got out of bed on time. I am ready for work physically, if not mentally. I cried a little, then got up, washed my face, and kept moving. This is progress.

The anxiety is at the same levels, but I am stronger. It is not as crippling.

But I worry- am I numbing? Am I simply shoving my emotions down under the surface out of sight? That's what got me through high school- I just didn't let myself feel anything, because if I did, it would cripple me. Training myself out of that is hard.

I will go to work today. I will make it through today. I will talk to someone. And I will go to bed early. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will be stronger. I can do this.