A Little Contrast

"...having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin." (2 Nephi 2:23)

I have noticed something lately. This past week, as I'm switching medications, starting school, and working on a fairly new relationship, I've found my anxiety and depression worsening. And as I thought back, I could see that since I graduated from high school, and especially in the past year, it has gotten exponentially worse. At first I was discouraged, and felt down, as if hope was lost.

But then the thought came into my head that everything has also gotten so much better. Before I graduated high school, my emotions were sort of shut down- I didn't really feel anything, or feel close to anyone. After graduating (and....you guessed it...especially in this past year) I've been making an effort to feel, to allow myself to have emotions, positive and negative. Yes, as a result, my mental health has been a struggle, but I also have friends that I feel close to, people I trust, an amazing boyfriend. I have felt joy. I have seen the Lord's hand in my life and felt Him speaking to me through the Spirit in ways I could not deny- something that was foreign to me before.

So yes, in some ways things are harder. But they are also better. And because I am trying to let myself feel, I am also asking for help. I am changing medications, going to see a counselor, all those things, to help get the hard parts under control so that I can more fully experience the good and be strong through the bad. My life really is good and wonderful, even on days when my brain tells me otherwise.

It is like Lehi said. I can't selectively feel only positive emotions- it's a package deal. But would I trade a life without my anxiety for a life without the joy that I've found? Not a chance!

Opening a Heart

Today I thought about life. I thought about my journey, about my struggles and triumphs. I thought about others I know and love who have struggles of their own. And I realized something important- something I hadn't fully internalized before. We were not created to live in isolation.

"And I the Lord God, said unto mine Only Begotten, that it was not good that man should be alone" -Moses 3:18

I battle with anxiety every day, and some days I must fight depression as well. One of the most effective weapons I've found is talking about what I'm feeling. A journal will work, but the most reward comes from talking to another person. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done. I've been on a mission. I've tracted for four hours in the snow and ice. I've been yelled at, cussed out, and ignored. I've faced people I love dealing with suicidal thoughts. But the thing that is consistently the hardest is opening up about my feelings to another person. And yet, doing so brings the most relief from the war within my mind.

This got me thinking about why we are all placed on this earth together, why we are given such a community of Saints, of friends, of all these noble spirits that stood at our side in the premortal life. Why are we not each tried individually? Why place billions of us on a planet at the same time? Our Father wants us to work together. It's in the scriptures- it is "not good that man should be alone." We are organized as families, and encouraged to seek out those who we can trust our whole selves to as eternal companions. We are given friends and teachers. We are here to help each other.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that every interpersonal relationship- especially marriage and dating- is a team. We have to support each other. There are times when each of us will struggle, with mental health, temptation, addiction, discouragement, stress, feeling overwhelmed, and so many other things. But if we help each other through, it isn't quite so bad.

Sharing what I experience doesn't make the anxiety magically disappear. It doesn't cure everything. But it gives me the strength to go on, knowing that no matter what, I am still loved. I can make it.

My challenge to you is, if you are struggling, if Satan is lying to you and telling you that you are alone, open up to someone. It will not be easy. It may very well be the hardest thing you've ever done. But it will make a difference. It will make you stronger.