A Little Contrast

"...having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin." (2 Nephi 2:23)

I have noticed something lately. This past week, as I'm switching medications, starting school, and working on a fairly new relationship, I've found my anxiety and depression worsening. And as I thought back, I could see that since I graduated from high school, and especially in the past year, it has gotten exponentially worse. At first I was discouraged, and felt down, as if hope was lost.

But then the thought came into my head that everything has also gotten so much better. Before I graduated high school, my emotions were sort of shut down- I didn't really feel anything, or feel close to anyone. After graduating (and....you guessed it...especially in this past year) I've been making an effort to feel, to allow myself to have emotions, positive and negative. Yes, as a result, my mental health has been a struggle, but I also have friends that I feel close to, people I trust, an amazing boyfriend. I have felt joy. I have seen the Lord's hand in my life and felt Him speaking to me through the Spirit in ways I could not deny- something that was foreign to me before.

So yes, in some ways things are harder. But they are also better. And because I am trying to let myself feel, I am also asking for help. I am changing medications, going to see a counselor, all those things, to help get the hard parts under control so that I can more fully experience the good and be strong through the bad. My life really is good and wonderful, even on days when my brain tells me otherwise.

It is like Lehi said. I can't selectively feel only positive emotions- it's a package deal. But would I trade a life without my anxiety for a life without the joy that I've found? Not a chance!