Brain Dump: An Old Thought Brought Back To Light

For a year or two now, one of the things I've held pride in is the fact that I felt like I didn't need a relationship, because to me that means that when I enter into a relationship, it will be because I want it, and not out of hormonal drive or some need to feel validated. 

Yet in that year or two, I've slipped up. This week is one of those. Perhaps it's the heavier load of work and homework- I'm working probably twice as many hours, and have more complex homework, and still have to fill obligations to friends and roommates, because I don't want to lose those precious relationships. Is it, then, so out of place, for me to wish that I had someone there to put their arm around me and tell me  I'm doing fine? To just sit with me, do homework in the living room with me. Someone that I'm truly comfortable around. Is it wrong to want that?

It's an interesting sort of feeling, for me. For the past couple weeks, I haven't had any interest at all in a relationship, right up until about three days ago. I seriously didn't even think about it. I was too busy, anyway, with homework and classes and getting used to a new schedule. 

But that's not the main point that I wanted to write about. That's not the old thought that came up. The old thought was this: That all pain is valid. There is no point where emotional pain is so insignificant that it should be disregarded. There is greater pain, yes, but that doesn't make the lesser pain unworthy of care. My stupid desire for a hug, for company when I'm lonely, shouldn't be disregarded. Someone I know is dealing with having to quit their job because they'd been working there for six years and never even been offered a raise. That may seem like a small reason to some, but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve help and support. 

Big issues need help and support as well. Abuse, loss, depression; all need that outreached hand and that knowledge that they are loved and cared for. But I would just like to say that we, as humans, should not allow the severity of these issues to constantly and entirely obscure smaller ones. 

I've told the story before, how there was a time where I felt incredibly insecure and sad, and I went to a friend and she told me I was being stupid and needed to suck it up. I have another story, however, of the flip side of the coin. This happened not long ago- a friend of mine who is depressed had run off early that morning, and we were afraid he might try to hurt himself. When I found out, I started to panic. By then, the issue had mostly been addressed, but it was still a cause of worry. My thoughts spiraled down the worst possible path, projecting the worst future. At that point, I was aware I needed to not be by myself- this kind of reaction was only hurting me and wouldn't help anything. So I texted another friend of mine, asking if I could just come over and hang out because I needed the company of someone who knew what had happened. She immediately said yes, despite being in the middle of her German homework with another member of her class. I just sat and talked with them, and I think that helped most of all. That night we actually ended up getting together with a few other people and doing something for that person, so it turned out much better, even for the one that we were all worried about, I think. It could have been so much worse, but it wasn't, because we banded together to help each other

My point is this: help others, even in the small things. Only good can come of it. 

A Letter I Wrote

*this was a letter I wrote a year or so ago to someone who meant a great deal to me. This person is known to my blog as February (see Vulnerability).*

There are moments in a person's life that they never want to forget. Moments so precious that they warm your heart for weeks afterward. You gave me one of those. Never before has someone done what you did. You held me when I was sad, and when I tried in some playful way to push you away because that's what I do, you just stayed until I was better. That meant the world to me.

When I said "you're it" you said "I don't care"and that touched me like nothing else. Never before have I known someone who understood that sometimes you can't fix what the problem is but sometimes it's enough to be held by someone who cares. Sometimes that little bit is enough. Never before have I been accepted and cared for like that. I'm so closed off about what I really worry about because I'm so tired of people trying to fix it, every time. But if there's people like you it there then I think it may not be such a bad thing to open up a little about what's important. You do leave an impression don't you.

Sometimes it's enough to just listen, to just be present, and no one seems to get that, but I think you do. You made it over my walls simply by not allowing me to push you aside like everyone else. I can't even express the gratitude I feel just because of that, though you may not have thought much of it since then.

You may never read this but thank you for showing me that not everyone tries to fix a problem. Not everyone is like that. Thanks for showing me a better way.

One of Those Faith in Humanity Posts

You've read posts like this and so have I. Yet they never fail to touch me in some way and remind me why I believe humanity is inherently good.

Yesterday I was pulling out at a light when my car decided to have problems. Turns out my little ol' stick shift no longer wanted to go into gear. Well that's obviously an issue, because I was at a light and the people behind me had no way around.

Of course I began to panic a little, having no idea what to do, and now my sister and I were going to be late for our lunch with Grandma. I figured we'd call our mom and she could come help us or something, but that didn't help the prior behind me, though I did remember to turn on my hazard lights.

Luckily for us, a construction worker across the street noticed our trouble. He came over quickly, figured out what was wrong, cleared a path for the poor lady stuck behind me (by now she'd missed probably three rotations of the light) and helped me and my sister flip a u-turn so we could pull over on the side of the road. He managed all this in maybe give minutes and all very kindly, with a smile on his face and patience as he shoved my little blue car down the street.

About five minutes later, my sister and I pulled up to the same light in our family's minivan. This construction worker was still standing there, and I believe we had a small moment of mutual amusement imagining what might happen if this car broke too.

So that's my Faith in Humanity post. That nice man saved me a lot of stress and panic, and his kind spirit and wide smile despite the labor and the heat of the day made the whole situation almost amusing. People like that make the world spin round, I think.

:)