2015

There's something magical about the change to a new year. It's kind of strange. After all, it's not between seasons, or even between years of school. It's arbitrarily placed just after midwinter. Of course, it does make sense to position it there- now things will begin to warm again and the earth will renew. New life, new plants, and a new start.

I am excited for this new year, for the chance to begin my first full year as an adult. There's a lot of wonderful things happening this year- I have two cousins (cousins-in-law? Is that a thing?) that are ready to pop! And I will be eligible to serve a full-time mission for the LDS Church in July. I'm enrolled at BYU, and next semester's classes will be great. I've got a job I love, friends I can trust, and times to look forward to.

This past year has been an interesting one. It has held, for me, so much growth. There were some regrets, some pains, and many mistakes. So much happened, both because of my decisions and out of my control. My grandmother had numerous surgeries that culminated in getting her kidney removed. She finally looks and sounds like herself again! There were family issues and family joys. This was the year my dad wrote AND published a book (it's called Driving Lessons for Life and I'd recommend it even if it wasn't my dad who had written it). This was the year I began writing in earnest (and then kinda slacked off for a while). This year, I had a disastrous relationship that taught me a lot about love, about myself, and about the person I want to become. This year, I graduated high school. I thought that high school was pretty fun, but after a semester of college, I think it's safe to say high school pales in comparison!

This next year, I have plans. I will write. I will draw. I will blog. I will be a better friend and a better human being. I will begin a mission. I will work hard and play hard and dream big. I will eat healthier (and more- I have this sneaking suspicion that I've accidentally skipped dinner many a time). I will be the girl I want to be, and strive to become someone I wouldn't mind seeing in the mirror every day. I will make an effort to be closer to God and find more depth in my spiritual life.

2015, I'm ready for you. It's going to be a fun ride.


On a side note (totally unrelated and not serious at all) one of the first sentences I uttered this fine year was "It wasn't have anything in it," in reference to a cup that almost got knocked over. Hopefully not a reference to the future of my English major or anything....

My Finals Week Miracle

This post is really late, but it couldn't be helped. It's been so busy! But more on that later

My finals week miracle occurred on Wednesday night at about 11:20 pm. But before we get to that, we've got to set up the context. That night (that whole day) I was fried. Picture an egg on a skillet, burnt black- about that fried. Between stressful finals, work, and friends, my brain was dead. I was at the end of my rope. That night, two of my friends and I went to a bagpipe/Irish band concert (and while I'm glad we went, I probably should've gone to bed early). It was nice to get out, but I'm sure I was horrible company. Basically didn't want to talk or anything. I was just angry at the world, in a way.

So I dropped my friends off and I was driving home, after the concert, and  kind of broke down. I just prayed that Heavenly Father would send someone to help me out, because I just couldn't go forward any further. It was the end of my rope, and I just couldn't handle what I had left (two of my hardest tests, and getting ready to come home for the holidays).

After I'd composed myself, I went inside, and it was just normal. I had kinda figured I was going to have to make it one way or another, and I could wake up later than I had been, take my tests later and sleep in a little. I was just getting ready to go to sleep when my roommate comes downstairs and says "There's people here to see you! They insist on seeing you, so you have to come up." Lo and behold, it was my visiting teachers. At 11:20 at night, with a plate of cookies and a message- "You can make it, and this too shall pass." They had no idea that it was the night I needed it most. No one knew besides me and God. And that was enough. He knew what I needed, and He inspired them to come. And the cookies were delicious :)

The moral of the story is that God knows what you're going through, and He will send the help you need. He will not leave you to make it through on your own.. Don't forget it, especially during this wonderful season!

My roommate also helped by covering the plate and leaving this lovely note :) 

Sunday Series: To Never Escape His Notice

"And Jesus entered and passed through Jericho. And, behold, there was a man named Zacchæus, which was the chief among the publicans, and he was rich. And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the press, because he was little of stature. And he ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house. And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully." (Luke 19:1-6)

How small must we be to escape God's notice, and how wicked to not receive His love?

There is nothing too small for Him or too sinful. God loves all. God is love, as the scripture says. The story from Luke illustrates this quite well. Even a publican who was too short to be seen in a crowd was seen by the Savior. I love this story. If Zacchaeus was seen, how could He miss us? He has a place for us and will reside with us if we but strive to see Him.

Allow me to explain that last sentence. Jesus may not have gone with Zacchaeus, had he not climbed that tree to see Him. Zacchaeus sought the Savior, and as a result, the Savior came to him, even into his home. Zacchaeus was a good guy as well- giving to the poor and striving to right every wrong he had done. This seems to me to be a wonderful metaphor for how we ought to live.

I'd like to use this to suggest three guidelines to inviting the Savior in.

1) Give to those in need, whenever possible. 

This is not just those in financial poverty, or those suffering from hunger. Nourish those who are starving spiritually and emotionally as well. Take hold of the outstretched hand, heal broken hearts, bind up their wounds, and help them on their way. They need the help often just as much as those who need money and food. It is almost harder to help someone who is suffering in a metaphysical sense, because their needs are so much less definable. A few dollars or a meal may not help.

Aid all you can, in every way, with needs that are spiritual, temporal, mental, emotional, and otherwise.

2) Seek out the Savior

This is not a casual action. This is the willingness to go to any end, use any means, just to glimpse His face, as Zacchaeus did. Run ahead; climb the tree. Even if He does not see you, you have seen Him and know that He was there. It is necessary to seek out the Savior in all we do, and in all we are striving to be. And it is climbing the tree that places Zacchaeus in the right place and time to meet and shelter Christ.

3) Receive Him with joy

Do not falter in that crucial moment- when the Savior comes to your door, answer it with haste! Do not drag your feet or murmur. Do not wring your hands and hesitate. Receive Him with joy and gladness as Zacchaeus did on that day centuries ago. If we have done all we can, and striven to live the best life we are capable of, then He will gladly remain with us until the end of days. If this is true, what reason might we have to hesitate?

Broken And Used

What do you do when you just feel used
Tired and broken, bent and bruised
What do you do when you can't get up again
When it's all hard and it's all pain
What do you do when you're falling apart
What is to be done with a worn out heart
What do you do when there's work to be done
And helping others, and staying up til the sun
What do you do when the burden weighs too much
When you're limping and stumbling without a crutch
What do you do when to be heard is a must
Yet as for ears to hear, there's no one to trust
What do you do when you need to be told it's okay
That the stress doesn't matter and tomorrow's another day
What do you do when you need to be held
When you're weeping and crying and you already fell
You don't need to be picked up, helped, or caught
Just need a friend who will stay, empathetic without a thought
What do you do when you just feel used
Tired and broken, bent and bruised.

Courage/To Run Or Stay

sometimes the courage required to run
                                                              takes more strength
than what it takes to stay

and sometimes the words on the tip
                                                          of your tongue
are just the wrong words to say


occasionally a sailing ship
                                            will run aground
on a reef or jutting rocks

and for each of those run aground
                                                       there is another
that never left the docks


sometimes the fear of leaving
                                                so big it consumes all
is so much worse than to remain

but every time staying because
                                                  you're terrified of loss
is worse than to stay with the pain


sometimes to go is harder than to stay
                                                               to not leave it behind
and that is when you truly know

if you stay when it's easier to leave
                                                         and barely can leave
when it's easier to go

then you may have found something worth fighting for

Notes

What is music to me?

Music is connection. Can't you see it? The cords of headphones tangled together, the stretching lines of the staff, all twisted and twirling around us. It binds us together tighter than any other bond. To make, to listen, to music with another, is a new trust, a deeper bond. Music is favorite songs listened to and understood by someone else. Laying stretched out with the volume up, trying to hear more than just sound. Music is what the soul is made of. It is no coincidence that our favorite songs feel like home, or that when someone likes the same music as us, we immediately become friends. It is no coincidence that listening to someone's music can help you understand them. Music is an expression of the beauty in everything. In pain and sorrow and joy, in funny times and serious. Music is fault and fascination. Music is connection. Pulling all these ideas together, pulling all these people together. Music makes the human soul dance, and erupt in color and light. Music helps us to feel understood and loved. Music is like a hug, a hand to hold, a string of hope tethering us to this world when all else is lost. I need music like I need to eat, but more. Because in addition to nourishing and expanding my soul, it is a comfort, a warmth for my soul, and an empathetic word when no one else is near. Music is necessary to the survival of what we are.

We are human, and we are music.

Exam Week and Juliet

O finals, finals, wherefore art thou finals?
Deny professors and refuse thy grade
Or if thou wilt not be thus sworn, my foe
Then I'll no longer be here a student
'Tis but thy subject that is my enemy:
Thou art necessary, though not straightforward
What's final exams? It is nor heart nor soul,
Nor emotion, nor any other part
Belonging to humans. O be some other thing!
What's in a final? That which we call a class
By itself alone would suffice just as well;
So tests would, were they not finals call'd,
Retain that lack of terror that doth beset
At finals week. Exams, doff thy name
and thy being, for thy grade of me
Take classtime instead