Why content doesn't matter as much as tone

I recently was given the opportunity to speak in front of the youth with whom I attend church. My topic was something of a little controversy among my peers, mostly because of their own choices. It is a topic I feel strongly about, and found that my church is (supposed to be) supportive of the position I had taken. I was terrified to give the speech, especially as it was in a style unfamiliar to me-that is, blunt almost to the point of rudeness. This is definitely not my style, as I discovered.

My terror combined with blunt words came off as anger, apparently, and the only result I've seen is that I no longer talk to some of the people I used to be good friends with. This was not at all my intent. Nothing that I said was wrong, nor do I in any way regret the content of my speech.

But the tone! Oh the tone would've made all the difference. If I had been gentler perhaps, more true to myself, it would have come easier and reached more ears. It certainly would have been less of a burden on me, if not on my audience. If I could redo it, oh how much better it would be.

The point of this anecdote is that sometimes what you say is not as important as how you say it. (What you say is still very important!) Often, however, I've found my good impression of people has dulled because of how they said certain things, that, if expressed in a different manner, would only have improved their standing.

This has happened multiple times with a friend of mine-in fact, my best friend. I have a hard time confiding in others, and when I do, I don't want to be told straight off the bat that I'm wrong. Sure, maybe it's an unreasonable concern that's bothering me, but it often has its root in a deeper problem. I have stopped confiding in this friend because she has told me multiple times that my problems are dumb, that I'm being dumb-not what you want to hear in the midst of an emotional crisis.

Now, why is this bothering me? She is right, sometimes, sure, but that's not the problem. If she had first comforted me, and then in a gentle tone explained why my problem was unfounded, my reaction would have been entirely different. Same content (you're being unreasonable), but different tone (patient and loving vs brusque).

These stories perfectly illustrate the importance of tone. It is not enough to be right if you are not heard, and it is difficult to be heard if your tone is not kind.

If I could redo that speech, I would in a heartbeat, with the same content but with a better tone- more loving and understanding. If I could change one thing in my relationship with my friend it would be that one thing-I would love it if she'd understand, and be patient in her tone.

What we say is often overshadowed by how we say it- a picture does speak a thousand words. If only all the words we spoke were kinder ones!