Battlefield

Shots fired. Explosions too close for comfort. The shadow of my enemy comes between me and the sun. This is every day.

It is hard to fight when the world seems hopeless, but I know if I want to hope again, I must fight. I must conquer the habits that hold me back. I must face these overwhelming fears. I must trust, despite the fact that all my mind tells me is that they'll leave, they don't need you, they don't want you, you're annoying them. I need to choose to believe and act otherwise. I need to begin to learn to separate the truth from the lies.

Things that are true: I am beautiful. People care about me. I am strong. So far I've made it through 100% of my bad days. I can trust people. I can fight back. There is hope. I am smart and I am strong and I love deeply and with all my heart.

Things that my mind lies to me about: You can't trust anyone. Your best friend is annoyed by you. They don't need you. You should just leave. Your life is meaningless. You are stupid and boring and selfish. Why do you even try?

Fighting a mind is an odd thing. There is no visible enemy to face, no one-size-fits-all solution. There is only me, myself, and I, facing each other down inside my head. There is only a lack of explanation or understanding, medications tossed at me as if they'll solve everything, an easy way to hide it all from the world. There are no guidelines, no easy ways out, just me fighting the lies I've told myself for so long that I have to relearn what is true.

Yesterday I tried a mental exercise to help a mind be more grounded- and it worked. I felt better, for the first time in at least a week. I could think clearly and I understood the haze that I'd been in. I felt as if, for the first time in a long time, I had the strength to start fighting back. I felt hope. Unless you've been in the darkness, you don't understand what a relief that is.

So I'm fighting. I'm fighting back the habit of numbing. I'm fighting the habit of picking at my fingers. I'm fighting to write and create and believe in myself more. I'm fighting to trust my friends and my family again, to believe that they aren't going to leave me. I'm fighting for hope.

I am fighting to believe that I can win a war where my own mind is the battlefield