for you (oil spills)

I'll paint a portrait of love and loss, memories and oil spills
Coarse beach sand between my toes, a heart like an ocean
The clouds rolled in and I exulted - rain! rain at last!
But when they opened, rain was not what descended
I thought you were pure water, but I was wrong
The black liquid of you pouring across bright memories
Your glutinous solution sunk deep, discolored what was pure
A dark stain across my waves that previously gleamed
You killed my wildlife- my dreaming birds and darting fishes
They died, and the corpses washed ashore to rest at my feet
Soft feathers coated with slick, and scales that do not shine
To clean you up- it took great effort and much expense
I purified my ocean of you, but part of you remains
Bits of black dissolved into the expanse of salted sea
The memories I cannot forget
You were an oil spill that disguised itself as rain
The ocean waves roll, and though I am clean,
The water still remembers you

Isn't it funny that the only time we truly feel our own pain
             is when we have no strength left to deal with it?

Or perhaps we only realize we're feeling it
             when we no longer have the strength to hold it back

Brain Dump: An Old Thought Brought Back To Light

For a year or two now, one of the things I've held pride in is the fact that I felt like I didn't need a relationship, because to me that means that when I enter into a relationship, it will be because I want it, and not out of hormonal drive or some need to feel validated. 

Yet in that year or two, I've slipped up. This week is one of those. Perhaps it's the heavier load of work and homework- I'm working probably twice as many hours, and have more complex homework, and still have to fill obligations to friends and roommates, because I don't want to lose those precious relationships. Is it, then, so out of place, for me to wish that I had someone there to put their arm around me and tell me  I'm doing fine? To just sit with me, do homework in the living room with me. Someone that I'm truly comfortable around. Is it wrong to want that?

It's an interesting sort of feeling, for me. For the past couple weeks, I haven't had any interest at all in a relationship, right up until about three days ago. I seriously didn't even think about it. I was too busy, anyway, with homework and classes and getting used to a new schedule. 

But that's not the main point that I wanted to write about. That's not the old thought that came up. The old thought was this: That all pain is valid. There is no point where emotional pain is so insignificant that it should be disregarded. There is greater pain, yes, but that doesn't make the lesser pain unworthy of care. My stupid desire for a hug, for company when I'm lonely, shouldn't be disregarded. Someone I know is dealing with having to quit their job because they'd been working there for six years and never even been offered a raise. That may seem like a small reason to some, but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve help and support. 

Big issues need help and support as well. Abuse, loss, depression; all need that outreached hand and that knowledge that they are loved and cared for. But I would just like to say that we, as humans, should not allow the severity of these issues to constantly and entirely obscure smaller ones. 

I've told the story before, how there was a time where I felt incredibly insecure and sad, and I went to a friend and she told me I was being stupid and needed to suck it up. I have another story, however, of the flip side of the coin. This happened not long ago- a friend of mine who is depressed had run off early that morning, and we were afraid he might try to hurt himself. When I found out, I started to panic. By then, the issue had mostly been addressed, but it was still a cause of worry. My thoughts spiraled down the worst possible path, projecting the worst future. At that point, I was aware I needed to not be by myself- this kind of reaction was only hurting me and wouldn't help anything. So I texted another friend of mine, asking if I could just come over and hang out because I needed the company of someone who knew what had happened. She immediately said yes, despite being in the middle of her German homework with another member of her class. I just sat and talked with them, and I think that helped most of all. That night we actually ended up getting together with a few other people and doing something for that person, so it turned out much better, even for the one that we were all worried about, I think. It could have been so much worse, but it wasn't, because we banded together to help each other

My point is this: help others, even in the small things. Only good can come of it. 

Love

Your palm is warm against mine, and your fingers keep mine from freezing

When I shiver suddenly in a breeze that's filled with snow

Residual warmth and weight- your coat- rests on my shoulders

Swing the door open, and it jingles, allowing the sounds of dinner to escape

You pull out my chair- my knees slip beneath a scarlet cloth

Later, we will skid and slide home on a brand-new white carpet

Then on a couch- green like your eyes and soft like your heart-

Your embrace will tighten around me. I will rest my head against your shoulder

Warmth is no longer confined to touching palms

We are two birds, resting beneath our wings for the winter

The warmth and glow from the fireplace illuminate us

It will guard us as heavy eyes slip down-down-down

Until dawn peeks through the window to rouse us

In case you're interested....this poem came from an assignment in Creative Writing. We were asked to describe ideas and words using sensory details.

Swimming

I remember the day when I first discovered
That allowing breath free from tightened lungs
Makes it possible to sink far below the surface

The world turned azure, and sounds muffled
Hearing is not so important anymore. I focus on
Roughness, the floor pressed against bare knees

My breath is gone, so it's but a moment, yet such stillness
A maze of legs, a labyrinth shifting every second. Bubbles like fog
Obscure sight, and navigation is impossible, but why move?

I am made of loose muscles and drifting limbs
In this moment, with chlorine on my tongue, that taste- to me
It means freedom. My mind drifts endlessly with the water

This instant is frantically still

And a moment later, bursting free of the water's claim
Breath returning to tighten empty lungs, and perhaps being tight
The tenseness, and emotion, is a part of being truly human

2015

There's something magical about the change to a new year. It's kind of strange. After all, it's not between seasons, or even between years of school. It's arbitrarily placed just after midwinter. Of course, it does make sense to position it there- now things will begin to warm again and the earth will renew. New life, new plants, and a new start.

I am excited for this new year, for the chance to begin my first full year as an adult. There's a lot of wonderful things happening this year- I have two cousins (cousins-in-law? Is that a thing?) that are ready to pop! And I will be eligible to serve a full-time mission for the LDS Church in July. I'm enrolled at BYU, and next semester's classes will be great. I've got a job I love, friends I can trust, and times to look forward to.

This past year has been an interesting one. It has held, for me, so much growth. There were some regrets, some pains, and many mistakes. So much happened, both because of my decisions and out of my control. My grandmother had numerous surgeries that culminated in getting her kidney removed. She finally looks and sounds like herself again! There were family issues and family joys. This was the year my dad wrote AND published a book (it's called Driving Lessons for Life and I'd recommend it even if it wasn't my dad who had written it). This was the year I began writing in earnest (and then kinda slacked off for a while). This year, I had a disastrous relationship that taught me a lot about love, about myself, and about the person I want to become. This year, I graduated high school. I thought that high school was pretty fun, but after a semester of college, I think it's safe to say high school pales in comparison!

This next year, I have plans. I will write. I will draw. I will blog. I will be a better friend and a better human being. I will begin a mission. I will work hard and play hard and dream big. I will eat healthier (and more- I have this sneaking suspicion that I've accidentally skipped dinner many a time). I will be the girl I want to be, and strive to become someone I wouldn't mind seeing in the mirror every day. I will make an effort to be closer to God and find more depth in my spiritual life.

2015, I'm ready for you. It's going to be a fun ride.


On a side note (totally unrelated and not serious at all) one of the first sentences I uttered this fine year was "It wasn't have anything in it," in reference to a cup that almost got knocked over. Hopefully not a reference to the future of my English major or anything....

My Finals Week Miracle

This post is really late, but it couldn't be helped. It's been so busy! But more on that later

My finals week miracle occurred on Wednesday night at about 11:20 pm. But before we get to that, we've got to set up the context. That night (that whole day) I was fried. Picture an egg on a skillet, burnt black- about that fried. Between stressful finals, work, and friends, my brain was dead. I was at the end of my rope. That night, two of my friends and I went to a bagpipe/Irish band concert (and while I'm glad we went, I probably should've gone to bed early). It was nice to get out, but I'm sure I was horrible company. Basically didn't want to talk or anything. I was just angry at the world, in a way.

So I dropped my friends off and I was driving home, after the concert, and  kind of broke down. I just prayed that Heavenly Father would send someone to help me out, because I just couldn't go forward any further. It was the end of my rope, and I just couldn't handle what I had left (two of my hardest tests, and getting ready to come home for the holidays).

After I'd composed myself, I went inside, and it was just normal. I had kinda figured I was going to have to make it one way or another, and I could wake up later than I had been, take my tests later and sleep in a little. I was just getting ready to go to sleep when my roommate comes downstairs and says "There's people here to see you! They insist on seeing you, so you have to come up." Lo and behold, it was my visiting teachers. At 11:20 at night, with a plate of cookies and a message- "You can make it, and this too shall pass." They had no idea that it was the night I needed it most. No one knew besides me and God. And that was enough. He knew what I needed, and He inspired them to come. And the cookies were delicious :)

The moral of the story is that God knows what you're going through, and He will send the help you need. He will not leave you to make it through on your own.. Don't forget it, especially during this wonderful season!

My roommate also helped by covering the plate and leaving this lovely note :)