Some books are loud and some are quiet
Loud books SCREAM within the mind. They urge- stand on a soapbox, POUND a pulpit with your fists, and DECLARE TO THE WORLD what this book has made of you. CHANGE and GROW- become more and BETTER. CRY OUT against injustice, against pain, against the wrongs that MUST be made right. The soul STRAINS against physical bonds and attempts to FLY, through words, and passion and belief. These stories are FIRE, burning hot, LOUDLY declaring what must be done..
And then there are quiet books, with gentle stories. The words flow from page to eye, and softly make their way into the mind. They are reflection, introspection, creating at once gratitude and longing. The soul calms within the breast and breathes deeply, taking in the wonder of life, and the sadness of it. For this sort of beauty is also sad, because of its faults, because it is unachievable except in these small moments when the world falls into place and all is calm.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
A Little Contrast
"...having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin." (2 Nephi 2:23)
I have noticed something lately. This past week, as I'm switching medications, starting school, and working on a fairly new relationship, I've found my anxiety and depression worsening. And as I thought back, I could see that since I graduated from high school, and especially in the past year, it has gotten exponentially worse. At first I was discouraged, and felt down, as if hope was lost.
But then the thought came into my head that everything has also gotten so much better. Before I graduated high school, my emotions were sort of shut down- I didn't really feel anything, or feel close to anyone. After graduating (and....you guessed it...especially in this past year) I've been making an effort to feel, to allow myself to have emotions, positive and negative. Yes, as a result, my mental health has been a struggle, but I also have friends that I feel close to, people I trust, an amazing boyfriend. I have felt joy. I have seen the Lord's hand in my life and felt Him speaking to me through the Spirit in ways I could not deny- something that was foreign to me before.
So yes, in some ways things are harder. But they are also better. And because I am trying to let myself feel, I am also asking for help. I am changing medications, going to see a counselor, all those things, to help get the hard parts under control so that I can more fully experience the good and be strong through the bad. My life really is good and wonderful, even on days when my brain tells me otherwise.
It is like Lehi said. I can't selectively feel only positive emotions- it's a package deal. But would I trade a life without my anxiety for a life without the joy that I've found? Not a chance!
I have noticed something lately. This past week, as I'm switching medications, starting school, and working on a fairly new relationship, I've found my anxiety and depression worsening. And as I thought back, I could see that since I graduated from high school, and especially in the past year, it has gotten exponentially worse. At first I was discouraged, and felt down, as if hope was lost.
But then the thought came into my head that everything has also gotten so much better. Before I graduated high school, my emotions were sort of shut down- I didn't really feel anything, or feel close to anyone. After graduating (and....you guessed it...especially in this past year) I've been making an effort to feel, to allow myself to have emotions, positive and negative. Yes, as a result, my mental health has been a struggle, but I also have friends that I feel close to, people I trust, an amazing boyfriend. I have felt joy. I have seen the Lord's hand in my life and felt Him speaking to me through the Spirit in ways I could not deny- something that was foreign to me before.
So yes, in some ways things are harder. But they are also better. And because I am trying to let myself feel, I am also asking for help. I am changing medications, going to see a counselor, all those things, to help get the hard parts under control so that I can more fully experience the good and be strong through the bad. My life really is good and wonderful, even on days when my brain tells me otherwise.
It is like Lehi said. I can't selectively feel only positive emotions- it's a package deal. But would I trade a life without my anxiety for a life without the joy that I've found? Not a chance!
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Opening a Heart
Today I thought about life. I thought about my journey, about my struggles and triumphs. I thought about others I know and love who have struggles of their own. And I realized something important- something I hadn't fully internalized before. We were not created to live in isolation.
"And I the Lord God, said unto mine Only Begotten, that it was not good that man should be alone" -Moses 3:18
I battle with anxiety every day, and some days I must fight depression as well. One of the most effective weapons I've found is talking about what I'm feeling. A journal will work, but the most reward comes from talking to another person. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done. I've been on a mission. I've tracted for four hours in the snow and ice. I've been yelled at, cussed out, and ignored. I've faced people I love dealing with suicidal thoughts. But the thing that is consistently the hardest is opening up about my feelings to another person. And yet, doing so brings the most relief from the war within my mind.
This got me thinking about why we are all placed on this earth together, why we are given such a community of Saints, of friends, of all these noble spirits that stood at our side in the premortal life. Why are we not each tried individually? Why place billions of us on a planet at the same time? Our Father wants us to work together. It's in the scriptures- it is "not good that man should be alone." We are organized as families, and encouraged to seek out those who we can trust our whole selves to as eternal companions. We are given friends and teachers. We are here to help each other.
If there's anything I've learned, it's that every interpersonal relationship- especially marriage and dating- is a team. We have to support each other. There are times when each of us will struggle, with mental health, temptation, addiction, discouragement, stress, feeling overwhelmed, and so many other things. But if we help each other through, it isn't quite so bad.
Sharing what I experience doesn't make the anxiety magically disappear. It doesn't cure everything. But it gives me the strength to go on, knowing that no matter what, I am still loved. I can make it.
My challenge to you is, if you are struggling, if Satan is lying to you and telling you that you are alone, open up to someone. It will not be easy. It may very well be the hardest thing you've ever done. But it will make a difference. It will make you stronger.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Always Have Hope
"And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree" (1 Nephi 8:24)
It's incredible what depression can take from you. It can take your self esteem, your appetite, your trust, your connection to the Spirit, and any other emotions besides. But I know for certain that it can't take everything forever.
These past few weeks, I have found myself falling into a spiral. Things seemed more gray, and every emotion was faded. I haven't been really hungry for maybe a month. My anxiety was through the roof- there were times I couldn't talk it down, when the dark thoughts came so hard and so quickly that I had no defense against them. In this time, I turned outwards for help. That was only a temporary solution, but it was the only solution I had.
I still studied my scriptures, but found little light. I went through all the motions of friendship, but struggled to love. I tried spending time with others but found myself exhausted, wishing only to be alone. Trying to get out of bed became more and more difficult. But I noticed none of this. It was so gradual, and didn't feel odd at all- that's the thing about having a mental illness- if it's all in your head, it's much harder to recognize. It becomes easy to assume that perhaps God has abandoned me, that I have sinned some great sin and must pay penance (which, for the record, is not how God works).
Then, this week, I have discovered peace again. I had new roommates move in, and our apartment is more comfortable than it has been all summer. It actually feels like home. There is light, there is space, and I can breathe. I have felt more relaxed. I can feel happiness again. This morning I felt so much gratitude for the life I have been blessed with, for the support I've been given, and how things consistently fall into place exactly how they're supposed to be. Yesterday and today I felt as if I received spiritual light and revelation during my scripture study- something that gets to be a struggle when I'm in a bad place. I felt the Spirit so strongly, a reminder that God is still there. My Savior knows me, and has never left me.
But again, all of this has been so gradual that I didn't really recognize what was happening- until last night, I was having dinner with my boyfriend, and for the first time in a while, I ate a lot of food, and he pointed it out (side note: He's always making sure I eat, even when I don't feel that hungry). That, in turn, sparked the realization for me that I felt better, happier, more vibrant, motivated to do what needed done, and perhaps even more. That I felt like myself, for the first time in a while.
So the point of all of this is, I suppose, to always have hope. The darkness always subsides. The sun always returns. The Spirit is always there, even if it is hard to hear. I have learned that, no matter how dark the way, as long as I cling to my Savior, to the iron rod, to my friends and family, and desperately, so desperately, to hope, that everything works out, and eventually I will feel like myself again.
It's incredible what depression can take from you. It can take your self esteem, your appetite, your trust, your connection to the Spirit, and any other emotions besides. But I know for certain that it can't take everything forever.
These past few weeks, I have found myself falling into a spiral. Things seemed more gray, and every emotion was faded. I haven't been really hungry for maybe a month. My anxiety was through the roof- there were times I couldn't talk it down, when the dark thoughts came so hard and so quickly that I had no defense against them. In this time, I turned outwards for help. That was only a temporary solution, but it was the only solution I had.
I still studied my scriptures, but found little light. I went through all the motions of friendship, but struggled to love. I tried spending time with others but found myself exhausted, wishing only to be alone. Trying to get out of bed became more and more difficult. But I noticed none of this. It was so gradual, and didn't feel odd at all- that's the thing about having a mental illness- if it's all in your head, it's much harder to recognize. It becomes easy to assume that perhaps God has abandoned me, that I have sinned some great sin and must pay penance (which, for the record, is not how God works).
Then, this week, I have discovered peace again. I had new roommates move in, and our apartment is more comfortable than it has been all summer. It actually feels like home. There is light, there is space, and I can breathe. I have felt more relaxed. I can feel happiness again. This morning I felt so much gratitude for the life I have been blessed with, for the support I've been given, and how things consistently fall into place exactly how they're supposed to be. Yesterday and today I felt as if I received spiritual light and revelation during my scripture study- something that gets to be a struggle when I'm in a bad place. I felt the Spirit so strongly, a reminder that God is still there. My Savior knows me, and has never left me.
But again, all of this has been so gradual that I didn't really recognize what was happening- until last night, I was having dinner with my boyfriend, and for the first time in a while, I ate a lot of food, and he pointed it out (side note: He's always making sure I eat, even when I don't feel that hungry). That, in turn, sparked the realization for me that I felt better, happier, more vibrant, motivated to do what needed done, and perhaps even more. That I felt like myself, for the first time in a while.
So the point of all of this is, I suppose, to always have hope. The darkness always subsides. The sun always returns. The Spirit is always there, even if it is hard to hear. I have learned that, no matter how dark the way, as long as I cling to my Savior, to the iron rod, to my friends and family, and desperately, so desperately, to hope, that everything works out, and eventually I will feel like myself again.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
8/2/17
Sometimes I know what causes the anxiety. Other times it hits with no warning. Or with so little warning that I disregarded it. This week I noticed an increase in apathy, but seeing as it was apathy, I ignored it. It's hard to observe one's own emotions. I thought, oh just stress, just being tired, etc. But this morning, the rest of it hit me like a brick wall.
Anxiety. Not enough. Not good enough. Too much to do. Too much stress. How are you supposed to have friends, a relationship, a job, and still take care of yourself and serve others? How are you not strong enough to do all of that? I know all of this is wrong. I am on day two of my job. I am helping someone by babysitting tonight. I miss my boyfriend, but it's only been one day. He's not going to leave me over that.
Depression. Never enough. Never good enough. Don't turn to anyone. Don't reach out. Don't tell them. They don't care anyway. I know, rationally, that people care, but when your brain convinces you to fear them, to hide, it's hard to say no. In the middle of the day, people are busy. They're at work, or living life. How dare I interrupt with my little problem? It doesn't even have a reason behind it.
This past week has been like living a dream. It has been incredible. Now I'm getting the backlash. I'm still figuring out the balance of how much I can do before overloading myself. Right now, it is taking everything I have to force myself to eat breakfast and go to work instead of just going back to sleep. It is taking everything I have to not dig my fingernails into my skin in an effort to let all of this energy out. I feel like a shaken soda bottle, about to explode from the pressure. It beats on every inch of my skin. Writing this is rebellion against my own mind, an effort to reach out, but in a way that doesn't inconvenience anybody. A small rebellion, but better than giving in.
I am trying.
I showered today. I brushed my hair. I got out of bed on time. I am ready for work physically, if not mentally. I cried a little, then got up, washed my face, and kept moving. This is progress.
The anxiety is at the same levels, but I am stronger. It is not as crippling.
But I worry- am I numbing? Am I simply shoving my emotions down under the surface out of sight? That's what got me through high school- I just didn't let myself feel anything, because if I did, it would cripple me. Training myself out of that is hard.
I will go to work today. I will make it through today. I will talk to someone. And I will go to bed early. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will be stronger. I can do this.
Anxiety. Not enough. Not good enough. Too much to do. Too much stress. How are you supposed to have friends, a relationship, a job, and still take care of yourself and serve others? How are you not strong enough to do all of that? I know all of this is wrong. I am on day two of my job. I am helping someone by babysitting tonight. I miss my boyfriend, but it's only been one day. He's not going to leave me over that.
Depression. Never enough. Never good enough. Don't turn to anyone. Don't reach out. Don't tell them. They don't care anyway. I know, rationally, that people care, but when your brain convinces you to fear them, to hide, it's hard to say no. In the middle of the day, people are busy. They're at work, or living life. How dare I interrupt with my little problem? It doesn't even have a reason behind it.
This past week has been like living a dream. It has been incredible. Now I'm getting the backlash. I'm still figuring out the balance of how much I can do before overloading myself. Right now, it is taking everything I have to force myself to eat breakfast and go to work instead of just going back to sleep. It is taking everything I have to not dig my fingernails into my skin in an effort to let all of this energy out. I feel like a shaken soda bottle, about to explode from the pressure. It beats on every inch of my skin. Writing this is rebellion against my own mind, an effort to reach out, but in a way that doesn't inconvenience anybody. A small rebellion, but better than giving in.
I am trying.
I showered today. I brushed my hair. I got out of bed on time. I am ready for work physically, if not mentally. I cried a little, then got up, washed my face, and kept moving. This is progress.
The anxiety is at the same levels, but I am stronger. It is not as crippling.
But I worry- am I numbing? Am I simply shoving my emotions down under the surface out of sight? That's what got me through high school- I just didn't let myself feel anything, because if I did, it would cripple me. Training myself out of that is hard.
I will go to work today. I will make it through today. I will talk to someone. And I will go to bed early. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will be stronger. I can do this.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Have Hope
Have hope. The world is not a terrible place.
Have hope. There are pieces of goodness in every face
Though it seems to be spiraling
And everything's gone wrong
People are still trying
We're learning to be strong
Have hope in humanity, faith in the free
Have hope that we can become who we want to be
The news may be darkness day after day
But if you look, you'll see that's not the way
Things really are- that people are trying
To get better, to live stronger, to stop lying and crying
Have hope in your family and your friends
Have hope in love that never truly ends
We're accepting differences, in the open for once
It's inevitable that some will act like a dunce
These are first tries for many, new experiences for all
Of course some few will slip up and fall
Have hope that they're learning, trying their best
Have hope that some people are not like the rest
Have hope.
Friday, June 23, 2017
Being and Belonging
"Now when our hearts were depressed and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success" (Alma 26:27)
These past two years have been quite the rollercoaster of growth for me. Today is especially a day of reflection. Two years ago (almost exactly) I was headed home from Provo to prepare to leave on my mission. Now, I am spending my first day in a new apartment back in Provo. I have come full circle.
When I left on my mission, I was full of insecurity, bottled up anger and anxiety, and an immense desire to fit in. I was quiet, perhaps a little timid, unsure of myself. I wasn't very nice to myself either. I had a good life in Provo- great friends, good classes, a fun job- and I was going to miss it immensely, as I headed off to this strange place, full of strange people, to talk about something most of them might not even want to hear.
On my mission, I struggled with depression and anxiety. It was hard. I made so many good friends and learned new things about the gospel, about myself, and about people in general. I learned to love the rain. It was difficult to go out every day, walking for miles and offering complete strangers something that means everything to me, only to get rejected more than 9 times out of 10. I faced a lot of change. The scripture above came to mean a lot to me, because that was often how I felt.
Since I've gotten home from my mission, I've noticed some of the effects of that change. I feel like I am more free, more happy, more trusting and compassionate, especially with myself. Before and during my mission, my self-talk was more like self-abuse. But over time, I've begun to take better care of myself, treat myself kindly even when I make mistakes. I've been seeing a counselor and a doctor and I learned that some of what is going on is due to my brain being out of whack, and so I have some medication to help keep me balanced- giving me a good baseline to spring off of.
Yesterday, as my mom and I were driving to Utah, all my things in the back of the van, I realized- and expressed- that since I've begun to love and accept myself, it has become amazingly easier to love and accept others. I feel connected to those around me- my family, my friends- in a deeper way. Before, I felt that there was a distance, a wall, that kept me from building these connections, from really caring. I was too worried about fitting in, about being the strong one. It was really a very self-centered way to live. But beginning to care for myself has allowed me to truly turn outwards towards others, to truly care for them, to build a better relationship with God and with my Savior.
One more story- On Tuesday night, my YSA branch had a Relief Society activity. We made pizza and watched a movie (Beauty and the Beast- one of my favorites). As I was a part of the Relief Society presidency, I was involved in trying to think up a spiritual thought. I didn't think of anything until I was almost to the activity. Then the Spirit helped me connect what I needed to see. I thought of Alma- the verse above- and I thought about trials. My mission- the hardest and also the most wonderful thing I've done up to this point in my life. My struggles with mental health, with anxiety and depression- they make living every day hard. But these things taught me.
A pizza, when raw, is not an ugly thing. But neither is it really edible. It has so much potential to become something delicious. It has so many varieties- as many as there are people. Yet, it all comes from the same base, with shared characteristics. And all of it must go through the flames, so to speak. It must bake at incredibly high temperatures in order to reach its potential.
So it is with each of us, We are all children of a Heavenly Father. We all have come to earth to be tried, to learn and grow. We are all unique. And our trials- everything in this life- is our oven. We are being transformed from raw materials into something amazing. My mission and my experiences have helped me to become a better person and a better friend. Yet I am still myself- only I am more true to myself and my purpose. Like a pizza. (even though I'm not covered in cheese and pepperoni).
The more I care for myself, the more I act as myself, and the less I attempt to fit in, the more I realize how beautiful the world is, how amazing every person can be, and how much I love it. The more I love myself, the more I can love others. And that is pretty amazing.
These past two years have been quite the rollercoaster of growth for me. Today is especially a day of reflection. Two years ago (almost exactly) I was headed home from Provo to prepare to leave on my mission. Now, I am spending my first day in a new apartment back in Provo. I have come full circle.
When I left on my mission, I was full of insecurity, bottled up anger and anxiety, and an immense desire to fit in. I was quiet, perhaps a little timid, unsure of myself. I wasn't very nice to myself either. I had a good life in Provo- great friends, good classes, a fun job- and I was going to miss it immensely, as I headed off to this strange place, full of strange people, to talk about something most of them might not even want to hear.
On my mission, I struggled with depression and anxiety. It was hard. I made so many good friends and learned new things about the gospel, about myself, and about people in general. I learned to love the rain. It was difficult to go out every day, walking for miles and offering complete strangers something that means everything to me, only to get rejected more than 9 times out of 10. I faced a lot of change. The scripture above came to mean a lot to me, because that was often how I felt.
Since I've gotten home from my mission, I've noticed some of the effects of that change. I feel like I am more free, more happy, more trusting and compassionate, especially with myself. Before and during my mission, my self-talk was more like self-abuse. But over time, I've begun to take better care of myself, treat myself kindly even when I make mistakes. I've been seeing a counselor and a doctor and I learned that some of what is going on is due to my brain being out of whack, and so I have some medication to help keep me balanced- giving me a good baseline to spring off of.
Yesterday, as my mom and I were driving to Utah, all my things in the back of the van, I realized- and expressed- that since I've begun to love and accept myself, it has become amazingly easier to love and accept others. I feel connected to those around me- my family, my friends- in a deeper way. Before, I felt that there was a distance, a wall, that kept me from building these connections, from really caring. I was too worried about fitting in, about being the strong one. It was really a very self-centered way to live. But beginning to care for myself has allowed me to truly turn outwards towards others, to truly care for them, to build a better relationship with God and with my Savior.
One more story- On Tuesday night, my YSA branch had a Relief Society activity. We made pizza and watched a movie (Beauty and the Beast- one of my favorites). As I was a part of the Relief Society presidency, I was involved in trying to think up a spiritual thought. I didn't think of anything until I was almost to the activity. Then the Spirit helped me connect what I needed to see. I thought of Alma- the verse above- and I thought about trials. My mission- the hardest and also the most wonderful thing I've done up to this point in my life. My struggles with mental health, with anxiety and depression- they make living every day hard. But these things taught me.
A pizza, when raw, is not an ugly thing. But neither is it really edible. It has so much potential to become something delicious. It has so many varieties- as many as there are people. Yet, it all comes from the same base, with shared characteristics. And all of it must go through the flames, so to speak. It must bake at incredibly high temperatures in order to reach its potential.
So it is with each of us, We are all children of a Heavenly Father. We all have come to earth to be tried, to learn and grow. We are all unique. And our trials- everything in this life- is our oven. We are being transformed from raw materials into something amazing. My mission and my experiences have helped me to become a better person and a better friend. Yet I am still myself- only I am more true to myself and my purpose. Like a pizza. (even though I'm not covered in cheese and pepperoni).
The more I care for myself, the more I act as myself, and the less I attempt to fit in, the more I realize how beautiful the world is, how amazing every person can be, and how much I love it. The more I love myself, the more I can love others. And that is pretty amazing.
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