I have tried to write this two or three times because I know there is something important I need to say. It is hard to express in words.
Life moves on.
Time passes
People come and go, in and out, and sometimes I wonder, will I ever know what becomes of them?
I used to wonder all the time what other people thought of me. I worried relentlessly about being anything less than perfect, about messing up or hurting someone. I had a sincere desire to do the right thing, but in a way, it went too far. I cared so much about what these people thought of me that I forgot what God thought of me.
I graduated high school and went to college, where I made many new friends, yet the old worries still came.
I submitted my papers for a mission.
I waited.
The breakdown came the day before my mission call arrived in the mail. I was so afraid to go and to talk to these people. What will they think of me? I worried what people would say or do and how I could possibly handle it all. I cried for a long time and I hid.
A good friend told me all I had to do was love the people. That was it. And then I would be okay.
So I did. I spent eighteen months in the Pacific Northwest loving the people, fighting my demons, and most importantly, I grew closer to God.
Then something interesting happened.
I realized I didn't really care what people thought anymore. I cared about them, instead of caring about how they felt about me. I realized that I am a daughter of God and that His opinion is all that matters. And I realized that in His eyes, I am special and divine and unique. I have a role to play in His plan. I realized that this was unchanging. That He was always by my side and that He always had been, even in the darkest and loneliest of nights.
Now, those people I used to worry about have all seemed to fade away. High school is a distant memory. None of that lasted for very long. After all, it's only been a little less than three years.
I have watched lives move forward and people change. I have seen how my perceptions from long ago were wrong. I realized how much I needed my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and how much I could rely on them. They have never let me down- and they never will.
Once, in a district meeting, the question was asked, "How would you define humility?" And I said "Confidence in God."
That is the truest thing I know. That is what I hold on to. I have confidence that in the end, everything will fall into place because He promised that it will. I have confidence in myself and my potential because He told me who I am. I know myself the importance of having a determined heart, and following Him is a choice I make every day. I can have confidence because of Him. My strength is in Him. He is everything, and He will never fail.
Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that. I would have been cynical. I "believed" but didn't have faith because I thought I was too flawed to be fixed.
Now I know better.
So I am grateful every day for my mission. I am grateful for the opportunity to be, uninterrupted, with the Spirit, to learn and grow while facing some of the toughest adversity I've faced yet. I am grateful that I learned about the Atonement and that I can change. I don't have to be who I was. Today does not have to be like yesterday, because of Him. I am grateful for the friends I made, especially in my Heavenly Father and Savior. I am grateful for words. Even though they are not perfect, they have become my vehicle to understanding the world. I am grateful that now my foundation is built on solid ground. I am grateful to be able to move forward.
The deepest desire of my heart is to look at His face on that final day and to hear Him say my name with pride. The deepest desire of my heart is to be welcomed into His presence, to hear the words "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."
And now I believe that I can make it there.
Showing posts with label atonement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label atonement. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
He Will Make You Whole
This morning, I embarked on the adventure of reading the Book of Mormon through with a question- and this time the question I selected was "What lack I yet?" I received many impressions pointing towards the future even in just the first few pages, of how to live purposefully, how to rest when needed, how to rely on the Spirit of the Lord. Then I came upon this verse:
"And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice and his heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him" (1 Nephi 1:15, emphasis added)
That phrase instantly struck me- "and his heart was filled." On my mission and throughout my life I have struggled with a deep emptiness of heart. I have felt nagging self-doubt, crippling fear and panic, overwhelming sadness, and so many things.
This especially seemed to peak on my mission. I reached a point where I felt barely able to go out to work every morning. I had lost my hope. I was lagging in energy. I felt extreme anxiety at the thought of speaking to strangers and of being rejected again....and again....and again. I felt so lost. One night I broke down. I sat in the bathroom (the only place where I could be alone) and cried. I felt my soul was struggling against the darkness and losing. I felt like everything was lost and that I was worth nothing. I felt that my Father in Heaven was disappointed and that I had failed Him, that I was holding back His work.
Luckily for me, I had a companion who was in tune with the Spirit. She came and knocked on the door of the bathroom and we sat and talked until I felt well enough to go to bed. Soon after, we went to the mission nurse and explained what was going on and asked for help- one of the hardest and most humbling experiences I have ever had. I expressed my feelings, and instead of responding with disdain, or anger (which is, for some reason, always what I expect), everyone in the office responded with increased love and care. They didn't seem to lose respect for me. They cared about me. I received a wonderful priesthood blessing of strength and a confirmation that I was not alone, that my Father was not disappointed in me, and that I would be strong enough to get through this.
I was referred to a counselor through LDS Family Services, one who regularly works with missionaries. At first I was kind of ashamed and I felt a bit broken, having to go to "counseling." For me, there was some kind of stigma associated with it. (Afterwards, now knowing what I do, I realized that needing to see a counselor is far more common among missionaries than I realized, and that really there is nothing to be ashamed of). I met with him and he helped me talk through my thoughts. We went over what was running through my head. Then we began to analyze the thoughts. Things such as "nobody likes me" and "I'm not good enough." Thoughts of failure, of ruining everything. He explained to me that much of this was all objective. We began to get out of my impulse brain and into my reasoning brain. We talked back to those thoughts. The result is the picture below- the bad thoughts in red, and the reasonable ones in green. (it wasn't complete because we ran out of time).
"And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice and his heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him" (1 Nephi 1:15, emphasis added)
That phrase instantly struck me- "and his heart was filled." On my mission and throughout my life I have struggled with a deep emptiness of heart. I have felt nagging self-doubt, crippling fear and panic, overwhelming sadness, and so many things.
This especially seemed to peak on my mission. I reached a point where I felt barely able to go out to work every morning. I had lost my hope. I was lagging in energy. I felt extreme anxiety at the thought of speaking to strangers and of being rejected again....and again....and again. I felt so lost. One night I broke down. I sat in the bathroom (the only place where I could be alone) and cried. I felt my soul was struggling against the darkness and losing. I felt like everything was lost and that I was worth nothing. I felt that my Father in Heaven was disappointed and that I had failed Him, that I was holding back His work.
Luckily for me, I had a companion who was in tune with the Spirit. She came and knocked on the door of the bathroom and we sat and talked until I felt well enough to go to bed. Soon after, we went to the mission nurse and explained what was going on and asked for help- one of the hardest and most humbling experiences I have ever had. I expressed my feelings, and instead of responding with disdain, or anger (which is, for some reason, always what I expect), everyone in the office responded with increased love and care. They didn't seem to lose respect for me. They cared about me. I received a wonderful priesthood blessing of strength and a confirmation that I was not alone, that my Father was not disappointed in me, and that I would be strong enough to get through this.
I was referred to a counselor through LDS Family Services, one who regularly works with missionaries. At first I was kind of ashamed and I felt a bit broken, having to go to "counseling." For me, there was some kind of stigma associated with it. (Afterwards, now knowing what I do, I realized that needing to see a counselor is far more common among missionaries than I realized, and that really there is nothing to be ashamed of). I met with him and he helped me talk through my thoughts. We went over what was running through my head. Then we began to analyze the thoughts. Things such as "nobody likes me" and "I'm not good enough." Thoughts of failure, of ruining everything. He explained to me that much of this was all objective. We began to get out of my impulse brain and into my reasoning brain. We talked back to those thoughts. The result is the picture below- the bad thoughts in red, and the reasonable ones in green. (it wasn't complete because we ran out of time).
I began to realize that much of this darkness wasn't truth. It came from Satan's whispers. I was engaged in the greatest work of all- to bring down his kingdom, a war he has already lost. Of course he wanted me to fail! I left feeling rejuvenated.
The anxiety and doubt didn't go away overnight. In fact, so far, it hasn't gone away at all. But for the rest of my mission, I got much better at talking back to it. There are some facts that I know that I do not let myself forget. The first is that my Heavenly Father loves me. That is unchangeable. The second is that He is not disappointed in me. As long as I continue to fight, to keep His commandments and follow Him, I will not disappoint Him! I have been told that He is proud of me in many priesthood blessings. I choose to believe that. I remember that I have worth that is infinite, outside of anything I do, and that my potential is great. I remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, that He doesn't expect me to be perfect now, only to keep getting back up and moving forward. I remember that my Savior's Atonement is infinite and that it is infinite for me. He can heal me and fix me. I am never broken beyond repair.
Sometimes I still break down and cry. Sometimes there are bad days where my mind won't be silenced and I just have to let it be or distract myself. Most of the time, hard work is the answer. And service. Sometimes the answer is to rest, and that is okay- I have learned that it is okay to rest.
In that verse that I quoted at the beginning, it said "his whole heart was filled." As I have climbed and hung on and battled upwards, I have felt that. The deep hole in my heart, that dark pit of anxiety and depression and fear, it can and has been filled many times. To overflowing. Even when I am afraid and anxious, even when I am sad, the Spirit brings peace within my fear, in the midst of my doubt. My Father's quiet whispers overwhelm every lie Satan whispers. Even when I am afraid, I am at peace. Even on my bad days, I can know that it will pass and I will be filled again. It is a promise from a perfect Father and He does not, nor will He ever break His promises.
Though my burden has not been taken, I have been made strong enough to bear it. My healing has not been one time, but a little every day. And it has gotten better. And it will continue to get better. I know where my path leads- back home to my God, where finally there will be a rest from doubt and fear, where there will be only joy and rejoicing, and my heart will be full forever. That is the hope of the Atonement. That is the majesty of our Father's plan. That even though I am imperfect and sometimes lost in the shadows, there is a light ahead. And there is a Guide on the path and He has never left my side. I know that He has never left me throughout everything. And He will never leave you. He has always been with you. And He will fill your heart.
This has been my life for nearly a year now- the battle of fighting back against fear and the adversary, the battle of choosing faith and choosing not to give up and drown in the darkness. And I will win. The victory has already been assured by my Savior in whom I trust. I will win. You will win. If you choose Him. He can lift you out of any darkness.
"But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole." (Luke 8:50)
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Sunday Series: To Stumble
"And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)
I believe that we, as people, as much as we'd like to think otherwise, do not walk or run or dance through life. I believe that we all are just stumbling. Can't you see it? We're all toddling through our first steps, just learning to walk, or live, as the case may be. We trip over our own feet ever day, and sometimes we fall.
This view of mine is actually synonymous with Gospel principles. As children of God, we were sent here to grow. We are learning to live just as our children in mortality learn to walk. I am sure we've all seen children and watched them, as they begin to pull themselves up and step along walls. They grin and smile and awkwardly swing their chubby little limbs around. Just like them, we must lean on things around us- people, places, and most of all, God. Throughout our whole lives, we never stop stumbling.
Sometimes it's not a bad stumble, but endearing, like tripping over words when talking to someone, or fumbling when holding something (preferably not anything too valuable or breakable). We as humans are often a little awkward or weird in our moods, and many may view this as a fault. Yet the truest friends anyone can have will view it as just a part of life. I know my best and truest friends deal with all sides of me, those times when I'm most steady on my feet, and also those times when I can barely stand without tripping (metaphorically, of course).
But sometimes it hurts, when we fall and make bigger mistakes, whatever they may be. It can hurt us, and it can also hurt others. We gain bruises and calluses from these falls, and we learn what not to do again. I'm sure everyone has personal experience with this. The pain of admitting to the fall, and not blaming anyone else is not pleasant, but it is redeeming. And this is how we learn, by falling over and over and getting back up to try again. Our Father watches us, and helps us as we shuffle along walls and couches.
To stumble and to fall is not shameful. I think this is the most important part to understand. It is natural, part of our learning here on earth. Just like stumbling children, we must view falls not as failure, but as a lesson. Just like children, we must get up again and again and not be afraid to fall. And just like we would not reprimand a toddler for slipping, we must not reprimand ourselves, only get back up with whatever lesson we have learned. Someday, long after this world's time has ended, we will truly be able to walk and run and dance. But for now, all we can do is continue to stumble and continue to learn.
I believe that we, as people, as much as we'd like to think otherwise, do not walk or run or dance through life. I believe that we all are just stumbling. Can't you see it? We're all toddling through our first steps, just learning to walk, or live, as the case may be. We trip over our own feet ever day, and sometimes we fall.
This view of mine is actually synonymous with Gospel principles. As children of God, we were sent here to grow. We are learning to live just as our children in mortality learn to walk. I am sure we've all seen children and watched them, as they begin to pull themselves up and step along walls. They grin and smile and awkwardly swing their chubby little limbs around. Just like them, we must lean on things around us- people, places, and most of all, God. Throughout our whole lives, we never stop stumbling.
Sometimes it's not a bad stumble, but endearing, like tripping over words when talking to someone, or fumbling when holding something (preferably not anything too valuable or breakable). We as humans are often a little awkward or weird in our moods, and many may view this as a fault. Yet the truest friends anyone can have will view it as just a part of life. I know my best and truest friends deal with all sides of me, those times when I'm most steady on my feet, and also those times when I can barely stand without tripping (metaphorically, of course).
But sometimes it hurts, when we fall and make bigger mistakes, whatever they may be. It can hurt us, and it can also hurt others. We gain bruises and calluses from these falls, and we learn what not to do again. I'm sure everyone has personal experience with this. The pain of admitting to the fall, and not blaming anyone else is not pleasant, but it is redeeming. And this is how we learn, by falling over and over and getting back up to try again. Our Father watches us, and helps us as we shuffle along walls and couches.
To stumble and to fall is not shameful. I think this is the most important part to understand. It is natural, part of our learning here on earth. Just like stumbling children, we must view falls not as failure, but as a lesson. Just like children, we must get up again and again and not be afraid to fall. And just like we would not reprimand a toddler for slipping, we must not reprimand ourselves, only get back up with whatever lesson we have learned. Someday, long after this world's time has ended, we will truly be able to walk and run and dance. But for now, all we can do is continue to stumble and continue to learn.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Sunday Series: Peace
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)
"Peace: (1) a state of tranquility or quiet...(2) freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions" (Merriam-Webster)
Is there only one kind of peace? The world seems to say there is. When I think of peace, my first thought is stillness and tranquility, quiet and gentle. This is what we are taught. I don't believe, however, that there is only one type of peace for all humanity. I believe peace comes differently to all of us. After all, we are all unique individuals. Our minds interpret it differently
In the scripture above, the Lord is speaking about His peace, which we can receive.He includes only two qualifiers for this peace: that our hearts are not troubled, and that we are not afraid. I find this interesting. Peace can be very different from what the mainstream identifies it as. I believe peace is not just quiet and stillness. It is not just a state of tranquility, though that is still peaceful.
Peace can be movement. It can be bright and energetic. I would define peace as security and confidence, in all that is occurring in your life. Peace is, as the Lord said, not being upset or afraid. My peace often comes when I am busy, but not so busy that it's hard to handle. It comes with energy and strength to make it through each day, as well as happiness and confidence. I find myself standing taller, smiling brighter, and mumbling less when I feel "at peace." I find myself saying "Everything will work out." At these times, I feel safe in the knowledge that the Lord has my back.
We can find the truest peace through the Lord. He will deliver it to us in our times of need, if we are willing to lean on Him. His peace will free us to live our lives as who we are, without worldly concerns holding us down. All we must do is follow the path He has set- a path that is not restricting, that leads to being the best that we can be.
Prayer is key to finding this peace. Without prayer, our need is in vain. We must humble ourselves and ask for His help, and be willing to accept it however it may come. Sometimes help comes from others, and sometimes it is simply strength to keep pushing on. The Lord will give us what we need. Peace is knowing that, and knowing that our Father will take care of us.
We must all find our own peace in Him.
"Peace: (1) a state of tranquility or quiet...(2) freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions" (Merriam-Webster)
Is there only one kind of peace? The world seems to say there is. When I think of peace, my first thought is stillness and tranquility, quiet and gentle. This is what we are taught. I don't believe, however, that there is only one type of peace for all humanity. I believe peace comes differently to all of us. After all, we are all unique individuals. Our minds interpret it differently
In the scripture above, the Lord is speaking about His peace, which we can receive.He includes only two qualifiers for this peace: that our hearts are not troubled, and that we are not afraid. I find this interesting. Peace can be very different from what the mainstream identifies it as. I believe peace is not just quiet and stillness. It is not just a state of tranquility, though that is still peaceful.
Peace can be movement. It can be bright and energetic. I would define peace as security and confidence, in all that is occurring in your life. Peace is, as the Lord said, not being upset or afraid. My peace often comes when I am busy, but not so busy that it's hard to handle. It comes with energy and strength to make it through each day, as well as happiness and confidence. I find myself standing taller, smiling brighter, and mumbling less when I feel "at peace." I find myself saying "Everything will work out." At these times, I feel safe in the knowledge that the Lord has my back.
We can find the truest peace through the Lord. He will deliver it to us in our times of need, if we are willing to lean on Him. His peace will free us to live our lives as who we are, without worldly concerns holding us down. All we must do is follow the path He has set- a path that is not restricting, that leads to being the best that we can be.
Prayer is key to finding this peace. Without prayer, our need is in vain. We must humble ourselves and ask for His help, and be willing to accept it however it may come. Sometimes help comes from others, and sometimes it is simply strength to keep pushing on. The Lord will give us what we need. Peace is knowing that, and knowing that our Father will take care of us.
We must all find our own peace in Him.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Sunday Series: He Has No Sin
How can a Savior who never sinned truly understand the pain of one who has sinned? He never had to repent or experience a change of heart....right?
Wrong. He did experience it. More than any of us, he knows how it feels. He did not sin or repent for Himself, that is true. But that was so He could atone for us. He knows exactly how it feels in our hearts when we sin, and when we repent, because He has felt our hearts. He has experienced all the pain the world ever offered to anyone, and He came through it, glorious, to redeem us all. Because of Him, we can get up after we fall, and heal, as if the fall had never happened. The only evidence is our own memory of it.
The visiting teaching message for this month is titled "The Attributes of Jesus Christ: Without Sin." The message's focus is on how this attribute of Christ can guide us. It says that "Understanding that Jesus Christ was without sin can help us increase our faith in Him and strive to keep His commandments, repent, and become pure."
How do we do this? We are imperfect mortals, with a tendency to regress. Elder D Todd Christofferson said that "As we endeavor day by day and week by week to follow the path of Christ, our spirit asserts its preeminence, the battle within subsides, and temptations cease to trouble." How do we "endeavor?"
Mosiah 5:2 reads "And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually."
This change is also a promise, to do our best to live the Lord's way. Yet it is not a one-time promise. We are imperfect mortals and so we constantly sin, and regress. So we must make this promise over and over again. We recommit every day to living how the Lord wants us to. And when we fall, He can help us get back up, so that it was like we never fell in the first place.
I heard a valuable insight while visiting teaching today. One of the girls I teach referenced a talk that spoke on how sometimes the Sacrament prayer has to be redone. Perhaps a word is out of place, or the phrases were mixed up. Yet, even though it had to be blessed again, once it is right, it is just as perfect as if it had only been done once. Even though we messed up, if we repent, it is as if we never fell. And if we change, truly, to Christ it becomes as if we were never the way we were before, but for the memories that we have.
Christ was without sin because we are sinners. Christ was without sin because He is our Savior. He lived a life without sin in order to save us. He lived the way He did so that we could live better. Christ is our constant. He sacrificed Himself for us, so that when we repent, it is as if we never sinned. All that remains is the memory of it, and that memory holds no weight in the eternities.
Christ knows and loves us just the way we are, and He will guide us to be better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)