"That I May Write The Things Of God"

I have tried to write this two or three times because I know there is something important I need to say. It is hard to express in words.

Life moves on.

Time passes

People come and go, in and out, and sometimes I wonder, will I ever know what becomes of them?

I used to wonder all the time what other people thought of me. I worried relentlessly about being anything less than perfect, about messing up or hurting someone. I had a sincere desire to do the right thing, but in a way, it went too far. I cared so much about what these people thought of me that I forgot what God thought of me.

I graduated high school and went to college, where I made many new friends, yet the old worries still came.

I submitted my papers for a mission.

I waited.

The breakdown came the day before my mission call arrived in the mail. I was so afraid to go and to talk to these people. What will they think of me? I worried what people would say or do and how I could possibly handle it all. I cried for a long time and I hid.

A good friend told me all I had to do was love the people. That was it. And then I would be okay.

So I did. I spent eighteen months in the Pacific Northwest loving the people, fighting my demons, and most importantly, I grew closer to God.

Then something interesting happened.

I realized I didn't really care what people thought anymore. I cared about them, instead of caring about how they felt about me. I realized that I am a daughter of God and that His opinion is all that matters. And I realized that in His eyes, I am special and divine and unique. I have a role to play in His plan. I realized that this was unchanging. That He was always by my side and that He always had been, even in the darkest and loneliest of nights.

Now, those people I used to worry about have all seemed to fade away. High school is a distant memory. None of that lasted for very long. After all, it's only been a little less than three years.

I have watched lives move forward and people change. I have seen how my perceptions from long ago were wrong. I realized how much I needed my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and how much I could rely on them. They have never let me down- and they never will.

Once, in a district meeting, the question was asked, "How would you define humility?" And I said "Confidence in God."

That is the truest thing I know. That is what I hold on to. I have confidence that in the end, everything will fall into place because He promised that it will. I have confidence in myself and my potential because He told me who I am. I know myself the importance of having a determined heart, and following Him is a choice I make every day. I can have confidence because of Him. My strength is in Him. He is everything, and He will never fail.

Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that. I would have been cynical. I "believed" but didn't have faith because I thought I was too flawed to be fixed.

Now I know better.

So I am grateful every day for my mission. I am grateful for the opportunity to be, uninterrupted, with the Spirit, to learn and grow while facing some of the toughest adversity I've faced yet. I am grateful that I learned about the Atonement and that I can change. I don't have to be who I was. Today does not have to be like yesterday, because of Him. I am grateful for the friends I made, especially in my Heavenly Father and Savior. I am grateful for words. Even though they are not perfect, they have become my vehicle to understanding the world. I am grateful that now my foundation is built on solid ground. I am grateful to be able to move forward.

The deepest desire of my heart is to look at His face on that final day and to hear Him say my name with pride. The deepest desire of my heart is to be welcomed into His presence, to hear the words "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

And now I believe that I can make it there.