"And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice and his heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him" (1 Nephi 1:15, emphasis added)
That phrase instantly struck me- "and his heart was filled." On my mission and throughout my life I have struggled with a deep emptiness of heart. I have felt nagging self-doubt, crippling fear and panic, overwhelming sadness, and so many things.
This especially seemed to peak on my mission. I reached a point where I felt barely able to go out to work every morning. I had lost my hope. I was lagging in energy. I felt extreme anxiety at the thought of speaking to strangers and of being rejected again....and again....and again. I felt so lost. One night I broke down. I sat in the bathroom (the only place where I could be alone) and cried. I felt my soul was struggling against the darkness and losing. I felt like everything was lost and that I was worth nothing. I felt that my Father in Heaven was disappointed and that I had failed Him, that I was holding back His work.
Luckily for me, I had a companion who was in tune with the Spirit. She came and knocked on the door of the bathroom and we sat and talked until I felt well enough to go to bed. Soon after, we went to the mission nurse and explained what was going on and asked for help- one of the hardest and most humbling experiences I have ever had. I expressed my feelings, and instead of responding with disdain, or anger (which is, for some reason, always what I expect), everyone in the office responded with increased love and care. They didn't seem to lose respect for me. They cared about me. I received a wonderful priesthood blessing of strength and a confirmation that I was not alone, that my Father was not disappointed in me, and that I would be strong enough to get through this.
I was referred to a counselor through LDS Family Services, one who regularly works with missionaries. At first I was kind of ashamed and I felt a bit broken, having to go to "counseling." For me, there was some kind of stigma associated with it. (Afterwards, now knowing what I do, I realized that needing to see a counselor is far more common among missionaries than I realized, and that really there is nothing to be ashamed of). I met with him and he helped me talk through my thoughts. We went over what was running through my head. Then we began to analyze the thoughts. Things such as "nobody likes me" and "I'm not good enough." Thoughts of failure, of ruining everything. He explained to me that much of this was all objective. We began to get out of my impulse brain and into my reasoning brain. We talked back to those thoughts. The result is the picture below- the bad thoughts in red, and the reasonable ones in green. (it wasn't complete because we ran out of time).
I began to realize that much of this darkness wasn't truth. It came from Satan's whispers. I was engaged in the greatest work of all- to bring down his kingdom, a war he has already lost. Of course he wanted me to fail! I left feeling rejuvenated.
The anxiety and doubt didn't go away overnight. In fact, so far, it hasn't gone away at all. But for the rest of my mission, I got much better at talking back to it. There are some facts that I know that I do not let myself forget. The first is that my Heavenly Father loves me. That is unchangeable. The second is that He is not disappointed in me. As long as I continue to fight, to keep His commandments and follow Him, I will not disappoint Him! I have been told that He is proud of me in many priesthood blessings. I choose to believe that. I remember that I have worth that is infinite, outside of anything I do, and that my potential is great. I remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, that He doesn't expect me to be perfect now, only to keep getting back up and moving forward. I remember that my Savior's Atonement is infinite and that it is infinite for me. He can heal me and fix me. I am never broken beyond repair.
Sometimes I still break down and cry. Sometimes there are bad days where my mind won't be silenced and I just have to let it be or distract myself. Most of the time, hard work is the answer. And service. Sometimes the answer is to rest, and that is okay- I have learned that it is okay to rest.
In that verse that I quoted at the beginning, it said "his whole heart was filled." As I have climbed and hung on and battled upwards, I have felt that. The deep hole in my heart, that dark pit of anxiety and depression and fear, it can and has been filled many times. To overflowing. Even when I am afraid and anxious, even when I am sad, the Spirit brings peace within my fear, in the midst of my doubt. My Father's quiet whispers overwhelm every lie Satan whispers. Even when I am afraid, I am at peace. Even on my bad days, I can know that it will pass and I will be filled again. It is a promise from a perfect Father and He does not, nor will He ever break His promises.
Though my burden has not been taken, I have been made strong enough to bear it. My healing has not been one time, but a little every day. And it has gotten better. And it will continue to get better. I know where my path leads- back home to my God, where finally there will be a rest from doubt and fear, where there will be only joy and rejoicing, and my heart will be full forever. That is the hope of the Atonement. That is the majesty of our Father's plan. That even though I am imperfect and sometimes lost in the shadows, there is a light ahead. And there is a Guide on the path and He has never left my side. I know that He has never left me throughout everything. And He will never leave you. He has always been with you. And He will fill your heart.
This has been my life for nearly a year now- the battle of fighting back against fear and the adversary, the battle of choosing faith and choosing not to give up and drown in the darkness. And I will win. The victory has already been assured by my Savior in whom I trust. I will win. You will win. If you choose Him. He can lift you out of any darkness.
"But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole." (Luke 8:50)
So beautiful and inspiring! Thanks for sharing such tender personal thoughts with us!
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