Five Words

I recently read this post over at the blog of my friends' RA, and decided to take the challenge. It was to describe yourself using only five words. So here goes!

Confident
Insecure
Believer
Dreamer
Constant

Okay, that's the simple part. Kind of.

I think I'll analyze/explain them now.

Feel free to stop reading. I won't be offended, promise.

This is a funny exercise, because I'm pretty sure the words would change, depending on the day. The experiences of my day have shaped how I think of myself this evening.

CONFIDENT: I am confident in who I am. I am confident in my with as a person and secure in the life I live. I am where I am supposed to be, and doing my best to be all I can. And in the end, there's no call to ask for more than someone's best, am I right?

INSECURE: Even though I'm mostly secure in who I am, there always gonna be something. My legs, my nose, my inherent desirability (as mentioned in the last post) and even sometimes doubts about the confidence that I have. That's part of being human, but it's enough of a struggle for me that it makes my list of words.

BELIEVER: I have so much faith, okay, religious and otherwise. In everything. I believe the best of everything. I believe in God and His gospel. I believe in my friends and in certain kinds of magic. I believe in miracles and in joy.

DREAMER: Constantly. I live in my dreams, through my dreams. I write them, I draw them, I remember them, I create them. I dream of fiction and of my future. I dream a lot of things.

CONSTANT: I don't change who I am. I try to be trustworthy, to be kind and sure, to be a rock when the world is roiling around us in a mass of sin and hurt and pain. If there's something you can count on, it's that I'll always be a friend. No matter what. No matter what I feel for you, what our past is, what you feel for me, whatever. You need a friend, I'll be there. Constant. I'll give my best to be the kind of friend that I want to have.

The end! If you got this far, then you are awesome. Have one free hug, to be redeemed next time you see me!

Friends Are On My Mind

A friend is a special thing.

A friend does not judge. A friend does not use harsh words. A friend is a listening ear. A friend is a crying shoulder. A friend is constant. A friend does not just walk away. A friend makes the effort. A friend empathizes. A friend sympathizes. A friend is gentle. A friend is kind. A friend is true.

I want to be a friend. A true friend. I will not judge or be harsh. I will listen and love. I will not give up. I will understand, or at least sympathize. I will be present. I will be true. I will support, despite my own beliefs- but I will make my beliefs known. I will not act contrary to my beliefs but I will stand by your side.

I want friends as well. True friends. Friends who are gentle with me. Who understand when I'm worn out. Friends who love me even when I'm being dumb.  Friends who listen and understand. Friends who won't leave or break my heart. Friends who are kind. I've found a few. And I'll keep searching my whole life long. Because if anyone will ever hold my heart, it's a friend like this.

I suppose friends are on my mind because of all the stuff that's been going on lately. One of my best friends from back home is under a lot of stress and so much crazy stuff has been happening and I've been supporting him through it. It never ceases to amaze me (and not in a good way) when he is unsure whether I'll stick around. I'm not going anywhere- that's not what friends do. Friends stick together, especially in the hard times.

I also have a newer friend who is almost a personality clone of my friend back home. He confided some things in me recently, and seemed shocked when I stuck around and tried to help him through it, rather than running away and refusing to be friends with him. I also have told him some things that not many people know, and it seems weird to me that he's still a good friend as well.

Doors this bother anyone else???

This is what's been on my mind.

What does friendship mean when betrayal and loss are all you expect? What does friendship mean when it's a surprise when someone sticks around through the hard stuff? What's the point if we only expect pain?

Why do we only expect pain? What's happened to us?

We've been betrayed, of course. We've been broken.

Why do people act that way?

It's sad.

A dream of mine that is rather impractical is that everyone gets along. No matter that they're different. Everyone is friends and supports one another. Leaving is the exception, not the rule.

I was thanked recently for being a good friend. Truth be told, I wish that what I'd done could be normal, taken for granted. All I did was keep on being a friend, even through storms and rough patches and sadness and some pretty bad things. All I did was to not leave. Why is that so extraordinary?

It shouldn't be. And that's what's on my mind.