Brain Dump: Risks

What do you do when multiple choices are set before you? When each has its own merits, but attendant risks as well. When none seem better than the others, what do you do?

Do you pick the riskiest choice, that leaves you with the most knowledge?

Do you pick the slightly less risky option and just hope that it works out?

Or do you pick the easiest and remain comfortable in your ignorance?

Does what you choose depend on what the choice is? On what the possible results are? I find myself at quite a crossroads this night. To confront, to tell- or to leave in darkness, sweep under the rug and just let it quietly die, as it has been doing so far. I struggle to determine the gravity of the situation- trifling, or absolutely necessary- as that will be the factor in the end that makes the choice. Many things come to this crossroads eventually but none so emotionally wrenching as this: the possible loss of a friendship before it had a chance to truly begin. And not knowing the reasons why.

So perhaps this writing is choosing the second option on my list of three. Something less risky, but that still may yield unfavorable results. I doubt that any choice would yield positive ones. And perhaps this writing is just what I needed to release the tension and anger building inside me before something truly devastating occurs. Like losing my temper. I hate losing my temper. Or damaging this pseudo-friendship further. But perhaps it never existed except in my head and the only thing that will die is a delusion. I hope that is not true.

Really, this isn't risky at all though. The chances that the person in question will read this are undoubtedly minuscule. And I needed to write it.

A question, dear readers, though your numbers are few.

What do you do at such a crossroads? Do you sit back and watch? Do you do as I am doing?

Or do you take the leap?

Looking Back

Some days nostalgia rules my mind and takes up all my time

It is on these days that I look back with extra fondness at what has passed.Or with loathing. Or occasionally indifference. But whichever feeling it is, it is evenly applied to every moment that has gone before my eyes.

Some days I just need to be distracted.

So I'm thinking about something else.

You know what I admire? True deep friendships. The kind where people just spend time together without any urging. Where no part of it feels forced. I have two friends who share this kind of friendship, despite having only known each other since August. Seeing them, you'd swear it had been years since they'd met. They are constantly in each other's company, and if you tell one of them something, the other will know soon. I admire this friendship so much.

Friendship is so hard, I think, for most of the world. Depending on personality and such. I have trouble getting at the deep details of people's lives, and remembering them. Others have trouble seeing the good in most people. Others have crippling social anxiety, or are bullied or have been, or just haven't met the right kind of people. It's hard.

But it's so beautiful when it comes through, when it works out. I've had many friends over my short lifetime, and I can say with a certainty that my dearest memories were spent in their company. Many of my friendships did not stand the test of time, but those that did are certain as the stars. I'm sure you can relate. And I've met new people, and formed friendships that I hope will last a long, long time, though they aren't as strong or close as my two friends. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever known any friendship that close. But perhaps it's a college thing. Perhaps if I lived closer to my friends, we would spend more time in each other's company.

As it is, I know that one of my goals in life is a friendship or two like theirs.

Friends Are On My Mind

A friend is a special thing.

A friend does not judge. A friend does not use harsh words. A friend is a listening ear. A friend is a crying shoulder. A friend is constant. A friend does not just walk away. A friend makes the effort. A friend empathizes. A friend sympathizes. A friend is gentle. A friend is kind. A friend is true.

I want to be a friend. A true friend. I will not judge or be harsh. I will listen and love. I will not give up. I will understand, or at least sympathize. I will be present. I will be true. I will support, despite my own beliefs- but I will make my beliefs known. I will not act contrary to my beliefs but I will stand by your side.

I want friends as well. True friends. Friends who are gentle with me. Who understand when I'm worn out. Friends who love me even when I'm being dumb.  Friends who listen and understand. Friends who won't leave or break my heart. Friends who are kind. I've found a few. And I'll keep searching my whole life long. Because if anyone will ever hold my heart, it's a friend like this.

I suppose friends are on my mind because of all the stuff that's been going on lately. One of my best friends from back home is under a lot of stress and so much crazy stuff has been happening and I've been supporting him through it. It never ceases to amaze me (and not in a good way) when he is unsure whether I'll stick around. I'm not going anywhere- that's not what friends do. Friends stick together, especially in the hard times.

I also have a newer friend who is almost a personality clone of my friend back home. He confided some things in me recently, and seemed shocked when I stuck around and tried to help him through it, rather than running away and refusing to be friends with him. I also have told him some things that not many people know, and it seems weird to me that he's still a good friend as well.

Doors this bother anyone else???

This is what's been on my mind.

What does friendship mean when betrayal and loss are all you expect? What does friendship mean when it's a surprise when someone sticks around through the hard stuff? What's the point if we only expect pain?

Why do we only expect pain? What's happened to us?

We've been betrayed, of course. We've been broken.

Why do people act that way?

It's sad.

A dream of mine that is rather impractical is that everyone gets along. No matter that they're different. Everyone is friends and supports one another. Leaving is the exception, not the rule.

I was thanked recently for being a good friend. Truth be told, I wish that what I'd done could be normal, taken for granted. All I did was keep on being a friend, even through storms and rough patches and sadness and some pretty bad things. All I did was to not leave. Why is that so extraordinary?

It shouldn't be. And that's what's on my mind.

Pressurepressurepressure

I wrote a part a while back called Pushing And Strong Tides. It was mostly about peer pressure and a decision I was making. Basically this decision was a very controversial one, in its own way, and was part of a stand I was attempting to take. Yet, in this stand, I had no support from any of my peers. I was literally surrounded by friends and people that I trusted, who pushed and pulled me against what I was trying to stand for. It's like drowning, and being told that you'll breathe just fine, because all your friends are.

Support and empathy are important. If I had known even one person who had spoken out, who had stood up for me and what I wanted, perhaps I would have decided differently. Don't forget that, when you see your friends struggling. My choice led to more heartbreak than was necessary. Because I was pushed. Because to genuinely want something and have to tell yourself no is hard enough, but to have literally everyone around you pushing you to say yes is even harder. Especially when it's the people that were supposed to stand behind you, and support you. It requires so much strength to stand against that, and I wish I'd had that strength, but even more than that, I wish I'd had support.

It should be mentioned that I had adults who stood behind my decision. But if you've been there, you know,  it's the support of your friends that really counts.

I've been guilty in the past of not doing that, of being too critical. It hurt one of my dearest friendships, and it never recovered.

Even if there is disagreement, I have come to believe in constant support. But also in making them aware of your thoughts. Like saying "I don't agree with your course, but I care for you and I will defend you and protect you. I will be there for you." There a great quote, from Rick Warren, that speaks to this, in the last line. He says something I consider to be a great truth. "You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

So please, watch out for your friends. It is incredibly hard, and heartbreaking, to be without a support system from your peers. It is so incredibly important, a great source of strength. Please be that system. Be the one to tell them it's okay to make that decision, to be different. Tell them that no matter what differences there are in what you believe, that you'll always love and care for them. If I had even one person say that, I think my whole summer would have been different. Just one person. Be that person. It makes a huge difference.

And if you find people who are a support system, keep them close! Find as many as you can and don't let them go. Be there for them. Sometimes they need it the most.

It's not always about whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes it's just about being a friend.

PS Special thanks to Jared Moya for most recently being that friend for me

My Best Friend is an Atheist

I recently discovered that my best friend is an atheist. 

The sad thing is, he was afraid to tell me- in fact, he believed I would hate him (as the picture below shows). He was convinced that telling me would make me push him away, and end our friendship.

How sad is it that we live in a society where to disagree with someone is to hate them, or where life choices can alienate those dearest to you? This is mostly seen with people who are homosexual, at least in our world today- the fear of "coming out" has terrified at least one of my dearest friends, who finally told his parents this past summer. (a different friend than the atheist).

Society sees much of two ideas: first, that to follow anything that your parents taught you is wrong and rebelling is a way of finding your identity, and second, that being different means being disliked.

First of all, this idea that rebellion is the source of finding an identity is just flat out crap. Sure, some people take different paths than their parents (case in point: my friend the atheist.) But since when did it become shameful to believe what your parents taught? I myself firmly believe in the faith of my parents, and not just because they taught me but because I found out on my own. I do try and live how I was taught, because experience has shown me that this is the best way. We don't need to rebel like Miley Cyrus (and in my belief, her behavior is at its core a bid for attention and approval, rather than a true search for identity) to find out who we are. There is nothing shameful with following in the footsteps of those who came before.

The second is this idea that disagreement is wrong. This idea that anyone who does not support the majority must be bigoted or discriminatory, with references being thrown around about Jim Crow laws and similar behavior. Some people are like this, sure. But only a small portion. I absolutely detest this idea that my friend would believe that I'd hate him for not believing in God. Sure, faith is a huge part of my life. But why does that mean I have to hate people who don't believe? Especially my best friend? That is just wrong. The LDS Church released a letter about the treatment of people who identify as homosexual, and I believe I referenced it in another post. In this letter, it said that even those who behave in ways that the Church expressly forbids- even those who behave sinfully, and most especially them!- deserve our love and respect. Imagine that! Being able to disagree and still be accepted by your loved ones. What a concept. 

I believe in loving despite disagreement, in accepting what I cannot change and loving the person for who they are and not in a way dependent on certain life choices. I am a firmly religious person, and a Mormon, yet two of my good friends are gay, and my best friend is an atheist. They are some of the greatest people I know- better even than those who profess to believe what I do!

What a change the world would see if we tried to accept others' life choices. Accept others' rights to vote for OR against an issue. Accept someone's right to believe OR not. Try it out- it's amazing what kinds of great people you'll find right under your noses.

My best friend and I are closer than ever, and now I know that he knows that he can trust me with anything and it will not stop me from caring. It may have hurt a little, but my acceptance ensured that if I need it, there will be a shoulder to lean on. Far more good came than bad. I urge you to try it as well.