Second Best

That is the worst feeling in the world- to feel second best. Unfortunately, it's a feeling I'm familiar with. Being kind of in the background, being a last resort, that's me. It kind of stinks a lot.

It's a hard feeling to get past. Because this feeling has its source in others' actions by definition, you have no control over whether or not you're second best to them. And it's hard to move past, to ignore or disregard, because who wants to be in that place?

It's like being the kids that always get chosen last for teams. You just stand there, awkwardly waiting for someone to claim you, while around you, everyone else is quickly being taken. It's that feeling of being unnoticed, perhaps even unnoticeable. It's really close to getting worthless, although not quite the same. It's possible to have a healthy self-esteem and still be affected by this.

It's feeling unrecognized and invisible. It's feeling like they see you as incompetent or not good enough.

My challenge is this: don't let anyone feel that way. Especially if they aren't your second choice. Especially if they're your friend. Humans are fragile beings- we must be careful, with ourselves and others.

This isn't to say you must pretend to care, but rather that you should let someone know where they stand. And also make up your mind, to include them or not, rather than this random divvying out of affection and indifference, so that they never know where they stand. That's the worst.

Worn and Off Balance

Do you know what it's like to feel an overwhelming urge to just be noticed? Like you're standing there invisible. What it's like to dress up, to want to be seen for once, but hardly anyone does. What it's like when you're tired and confused and grumpy and a tiny bit broken and nobody can see, because you're too good at hiding. But who could you tell, how would you say it? By blogging, I guess. It's a good thing this blog is for me and not for readers, though it may be read, because the image I've presented is pretty pathetic isn't it. But I'll get through it. I'll sleep tonight. Go to the temple tomorrow. I'll make it through this. I'll be myself again, my good self and not this sad and worn version, though in some ways, this is the truer one.

Good night, and remember to always hug your friends, because you never know what battles they're fighting.