Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I was told before the movie began that it connected to everyone differently but I didn't expect to feel it so deeply. Honestly, I could not stop crying for a good ten minutes after the movie ended and everyone left, and even then, I only stopped when I distracted myself with Facebook.

I'm not sure what it was specifically that hit me so hard. I know the line "we accept the love we think we deserve" has always been one of my favorites, even before seeing the movie. And "in that moment, we were infinite." I did gain one more that I think will stay with me, and that is "we can't choose where we come from, but we do get to choose where we go from there" or something similar.

I think the part that first touched me was that, for the characters, life was hard. So hard. There were a million things going on at once, and there was something deeper behind everything. And I guess I saw a little of myself in Charlie, not in his experiences, but in his reluctance to open up to anyone, including himself. Because it's hard for me to trust people, especially when things are hurting me. I've often told myself, the only one that sees me cry, really cry, is me. And it's probably true, at least for most of my life. So I related to that, to how he hid his pain, how he coped with it on his own and just tried to make it go away. I can understand how, even when he had known these friends for a while, and trusted them, how even after they'd stood with him through thick and thin, I understand, I think, he was still afraid that if they knew anything about the shadows inside him, they'd leave. No matter how unreasonable that fear was and no matter if he knew it. Of course, his shadows were much darker than mine hopefully will ever be. But I believe that the fear is the same. And the need, the wish, to have someone to open up to. Even though we're too afraid to try and reach out first. Except for, perhaps, in really vague posts on the internet, or letters to a friend who will never receive them.

The quote that I mentioned earlier, my new favorite, about choosing where we go, that one resonated with me. Compared to many, my life hasn't been that difficult. That is true. But it is also true that my situation was not ideal. It was hard, and stressful, and more than I should've had to bear, or would've in the ideal situation. It was never easy. But it wasn't impossible. I managed to make it, and at times, it was beautiful, it was fun, and I enjoyed it. And now I get to choose where I go from here It's all up to me- finally. I no longer have to struggle with the same things that I did while growing up. Well, mostly. And I am so happy about that. I didn't get to choose where I came from, but it shaped who I am today, and I like who I'm becoming. And now I get to choose where I go. That's life, I guess. I think that line was the point in the movie where I really started to tear up.

There was one other thing that resonated- something that has been true lately, but isn't always, or even often, and that is the theme of loneliness. An ever-present feeling of isolation. It's been hanging over me lately, and because I don't know how to open up, I haven't told anyone. I've been dealing with it the best way I know how- joking it off, subtly appealing for company, curling up with blankets and food, reading, trying to sleep it off...It hasn't worked. Though I do honestly think I haven't been sleeping enough, and that's why it's bothering me still. But at those times when it becomes too much, I do wish for a helping hand. And that's when I relate most to Charlie at the beginning of the movie, and after his breakup with Mary Elizabeth. Because even though I have friends- great friends- I'm not brave enough to trust them. Or to go to them for comfort. And so I still feel alone. Until I get rid of it on my own. Which I have done, many, many times.

Oh look. I'm crying again.

I hope that everyone gets the chance to see this movie. I believe what my friend said, that it connects to everyone differently. Since each of our lives are different, it makes sense. There are so many layers to this story. Friendship, love, trust, bad experiences, depression, suicide, joy, protection, heartbreak, and probably many more that I missed. I could relate to so many different pieces of this movie, but not nearly all of it, and a lot that I won't talk about here. I think this movie is the thing that helped my current cloud the most. Because somehow, even though it's a movie, it's inanimate and unchanging, somehow, it understands.

In conclusion, this movie is wonderful and I'd like to get my hands on the book in the near future.

Confusion and Being Human

I am confused by people in the best and worst sort of way
I am confused when they disappear for many a day after day
And I am confused by their friendship sometimes; why do they want to be
Friends with someone so confused and absolutely baffled as me?
I'm confused by birthdays, whether we all forget or remember
I am confused by what to do the entire month of December
The bafflement that follows a single kindly deed
The sadness that follows when I don't know what they need
I am confused by people, in a new manner every day
And the best part is I wouldn't want it any other way

A Limerick

My friend Jared wrote a tale for a friend
It started quickly and soon reached the end
The tale was so small
Almost can't see it at all
How could such a tale ever be penned?

The story really was simple and without a plot
It could've been written with hardly a thought!
But on a chuckle I choked
It was clearly a joke
Still, to write a longer story, he ought

My Favorite People

Today was a good day. I may have not gotten enough sleep, and I may have had to cram for a science test. But it was still a great day. Why? Because of these guys.

They're my favorite people (including those who are not yet pictured because I have no pictures of them).

They're great friends, kind and funny and present. I got to see or talk to pretty much all of them throughout the day today. That was awesome. And we had a movie night tonight, in my small living room, and we tried to fit everyone onto/ in front of one couch. That was an adventure. It was at that point I realized how great we have it. We're very well off and I'm lucky to know these people, to have them as friends, and be comfortable around them. Hard to believe it's only been two months since I moved out!

And to close, here's an example of just how great my friends can be. (These pictures are actually the point of this entire post)

Temple Trip!

Today, my friend Heather and I had an opportunity to walk around the temple and take some pictures! Although we didn't get a chance to actually do baptisms, we're planning to have another trip soon. But a lot of the pictures we took are worth looking at! 

This is actually outside Heather's apartment while I was waiting

We got this photo on accident, but isn't it gorgeous?

Early missionary photos!

Early missionary photos!

The angel Moroni was facing the sun

We're cute :)

Loved the blur on this one- I didn't do anything to it

People

I do not believe we met by chance
On this lonely road at dusk
I cannot believe in a random collision of souls
That we were both here means it is meant to be
You and I
Friends

I believe we are placed on a path
To bump into those that can teach us
We can change for the better with them
And each teaches the other
You and I
Friends

I believe in bumping into strangers
On this lonely road called life
And bringing them into your journey
To share the hike and the beauty with
You and I
Friends

I believe in chance and change
But not coincidence or chaos
Not in the meeting of two souls that are
This vibrant when together
You and I
Friends

There is nothing out of place in this ordered world
Each of us is where we're meant to be
And so each of us has a purpose to meet
Here where we are
You and I

Friends

Modern Angels

Today in regional conference, we heard a talk that was partly about angels. This is what came to my mind.

My angels are not winged. They don't sit in the heavens and sing day and night. They do not fly about with cherubic faces and harps. But they do watch over people. They watch over me.

But they are not perfect, not in the least. That only makes them more wonderful in my eyes. I can relate to them. They understand. My angels are human.

Literally.

You know them as friends and family, but I say angels.

They do so much, you see. They love and hold and protect and listen. They sympathize and empathize and trust. My friends are truly my angels.

And the best part is, unlike the angels in myths, I can repay my debt to my angels. I can try to be for them what they are for me. That's the best part.

Don't forget your angels.

Dinner and Board Games

I made dinner for seven the other night, and another of my friends made cake. We'd intended to go watch the football game but ended up sitting in my living room playing Shadow Hunters. My friend Heather managed to get these pictures!

Worn and Off Balance

Do you know what it's like to feel an overwhelming urge to just be noticed? Like you're standing there invisible. What it's like to dress up, to want to be seen for once, but hardly anyone does. What it's like when you're tired and confused and grumpy and a tiny bit broken and nobody can see, because you're too good at hiding. But who could you tell, how would you say it? By blogging, I guess. It's a good thing this blog is for me and not for readers, though it may be read, because the image I've presented is pretty pathetic isn't it. But I'll get through it. I'll sleep tonight. Go to the temple tomorrow. I'll make it through this. I'll be myself again, my good self and not this sad and worn version, though in some ways, this is the truer one.

Good night, and remember to always hug your friends, because you never know what battles they're fighting.

Pressurepressurepressure

I wrote a part a while back called Pushing And Strong Tides. It was mostly about peer pressure and a decision I was making. Basically this decision was a very controversial one, in its own way, and was part of a stand I was attempting to take. Yet, in this stand, I had no support from any of my peers. I was literally surrounded by friends and people that I trusted, who pushed and pulled me against what I was trying to stand for. It's like drowning, and being told that you'll breathe just fine, because all your friends are.

Support and empathy are important. If I had known even one person who had spoken out, who had stood up for me and what I wanted, perhaps I would have decided differently. Don't forget that, when you see your friends struggling. My choice led to more heartbreak than was necessary. Because I was pushed. Because to genuinely want something and have to tell yourself no is hard enough, but to have literally everyone around you pushing you to say yes is even harder. Especially when it's the people that were supposed to stand behind you, and support you. It requires so much strength to stand against that, and I wish I'd had that strength, but even more than that, I wish I'd had support.

It should be mentioned that I had adults who stood behind my decision. But if you've been there, you know,  it's the support of your friends that really counts.

I've been guilty in the past of not doing that, of being too critical. It hurt one of my dearest friendships, and it never recovered.

Even if there is disagreement, I have come to believe in constant support. But also in making them aware of your thoughts. Like saying "I don't agree with your course, but I care for you and I will defend you and protect you. I will be there for you." There a great quote, from Rick Warren, that speaks to this, in the last line. He says something I consider to be a great truth. "You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

So please, watch out for your friends. It is incredibly hard, and heartbreaking, to be without a support system from your peers. It is so incredibly important, a great source of strength. Please be that system. Be the one to tell them it's okay to make that decision, to be different. Tell them that no matter what differences there are in what you believe, that you'll always love and care for them. If I had even one person say that, I think my whole summer would have been different. Just one person. Be that person. It makes a huge difference.

And if you find people who are a support system, keep them close! Find as many as you can and don't let them go. Be there for them. Sometimes they need it the most.

It's not always about whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes it's just about being a friend.

PS Special thanks to Jared Moya for most recently being that friend for me

Three Ways

In the past week or so, I've been through a lot. And there are three people who really helped me make it through. This was a hard time, and there are very few people that I trust, that I talked to. And these three helped in ways that I think everyone needs.

The first listened. She let me cry and talk it out. She allowed me to let out all my pent up emotion and hurt. She simply listened. This is so important. Today it seems most people don't listen. Rather than empathizing, they try immediately to fix the problem. They try to tell you what you're doing wrong. They judge your problem and give solutions-which can be helpful, but not all the time, and not usually for me. This person-my mother-listening to me meant a lot, because it's so rare today.

The second person didn't judge me. My best friend allowed me to simply be. With what happened, I was so afraid to open up, because it was the result of a decision I made. It would have been easy to judge, and I was scared they would. But this friend did not. She heard me out and didn't judge, like another might have.

The third protected me. I say protected, but it was kind of joking. He said he'd beat up anyone who hurt me, but really the message was that he was there to protect my heart. That meant a great deal to me.

In a way, I suppose, these three things are kind of the same. Yet they are so different as well. Because the people were different, the places we were in, the place I was in.

I guess the point is that it means so much to have friends who stand behind you, people who you can trust. And though I don't trust easily, it's hard to lose my trust once it's been gained. In this situation, I learned of three people that I can truly trust, because of how they reacted to a person in need.

My challenge is this: be that person. Love without asking, without always having to fix the problems. Love by listening, by not judging, and by protecting. You'll win people's hearts. I promise.

Don't Mistake Anchors for the Tide

If a ship puts down an anchor, it is held in place. It can only shift in a tight circle around the spot where the anchor is lodged. The tide will pull at such a ship- and any ship for that matter- attempting to bring the ship into its motion and to push it out to sea.

There are anchors on land too, although they're a little less heavy and a little more metaphorical. Anchors such as religion, family, and friends. Specifically friends.

My friends have been, in the past, my anchors. They have kept me grounded and kept me in perspective. They have kept me in the right and always supported me in my decisions while not being afraid to express their concerns as well. Yet in the end, they were my anchor and support.

Until recently, that is.

My anchors have become the tide, I feel. They push and pull at me and what little anchoring I have left in the two or three friends that I still truly trust. This tide has come close to bringing me "out to sea" time and time again. While I wasn't watching, secure in my "anchored" position, they began to erode and become one with the sea. Yet still I believed them to be anchors and began to trust the tide to keep me in place.

It took me a long time to realize what was happening, and a huge amount of effort to pull my "ship" back into place. I was forced to find new anchors, and to strengthen the anchor in my own soul against their tide. Even now, it is difficult to work against the pull of my old anchors-turned-tide.

People often change. New people can often be nearly the opposite of who you think they are. Friends can be both tides and anchors for our moral, emotional, and perhaps even physical, well-being. They can support or push and pull beyond the circle allowed by an anchor's leash. Be careful in your choice of anchors- they may in fact be the tide in disguise.