Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I was told before the movie began that it connected to everyone differently but I didn't expect to feel it so deeply. Honestly, I could not stop crying for a good ten minutes after the movie ended and everyone left, and even then, I only stopped when I distracted myself with Facebook.

I'm not sure what it was specifically that hit me so hard. I know the line "we accept the love we think we deserve" has always been one of my favorites, even before seeing the movie. And "in that moment, we were infinite." I did gain one more that I think will stay with me, and that is "we can't choose where we come from, but we do get to choose where we go from there" or something similar.

I think the part that first touched me was that, for the characters, life was hard. So hard. There were a million things going on at once, and there was something deeper behind everything. And I guess I saw a little of myself in Charlie, not in his experiences, but in his reluctance to open up to anyone, including himself. Because it's hard for me to trust people, especially when things are hurting me. I've often told myself, the only one that sees me cry, really cry, is me. And it's probably true, at least for most of my life. So I related to that, to how he hid his pain, how he coped with it on his own and just tried to make it go away. I can understand how, even when he had known these friends for a while, and trusted them, how even after they'd stood with him through thick and thin, I understand, I think, he was still afraid that if they knew anything about the shadows inside him, they'd leave. No matter how unreasonable that fear was and no matter if he knew it. Of course, his shadows were much darker than mine hopefully will ever be. But I believe that the fear is the same. And the need, the wish, to have someone to open up to. Even though we're too afraid to try and reach out first. Except for, perhaps, in really vague posts on the internet, or letters to a friend who will never receive them.

The quote that I mentioned earlier, my new favorite, about choosing where we go, that one resonated with me. Compared to many, my life hasn't been that difficult. That is true. But it is also true that my situation was not ideal. It was hard, and stressful, and more than I should've had to bear, or would've in the ideal situation. It was never easy. But it wasn't impossible. I managed to make it, and at times, it was beautiful, it was fun, and I enjoyed it. And now I get to choose where I go from here It's all up to me- finally. I no longer have to struggle with the same things that I did while growing up. Well, mostly. And I am so happy about that. I didn't get to choose where I came from, but it shaped who I am today, and I like who I'm becoming. And now I get to choose where I go. That's life, I guess. I think that line was the point in the movie where I really started to tear up.

There was one other thing that resonated- something that has been true lately, but isn't always, or even often, and that is the theme of loneliness. An ever-present feeling of isolation. It's been hanging over me lately, and because I don't know how to open up, I haven't told anyone. I've been dealing with it the best way I know how- joking it off, subtly appealing for company, curling up with blankets and food, reading, trying to sleep it off...It hasn't worked. Though I do honestly think I haven't been sleeping enough, and that's why it's bothering me still. But at those times when it becomes too much, I do wish for a helping hand. And that's when I relate most to Charlie at the beginning of the movie, and after his breakup with Mary Elizabeth. Because even though I have friends- great friends- I'm not brave enough to trust them. Or to go to them for comfort. And so I still feel alone. Until I get rid of it on my own. Which I have done, many, many times.

Oh look. I'm crying again.

I hope that everyone gets the chance to see this movie. I believe what my friend said, that it connects to everyone differently. Since each of our lives are different, it makes sense. There are so many layers to this story. Friendship, love, trust, bad experiences, depression, suicide, joy, protection, heartbreak, and probably many more that I missed. I could relate to so many different pieces of this movie, but not nearly all of it, and a lot that I won't talk about here. I think this movie is the thing that helped my current cloud the most. Because somehow, even though it's a movie, it's inanimate and unchanging, somehow, it understands.

In conclusion, this movie is wonderful and I'd like to get my hands on the book in the near future.

The God Who Wept

"No other God has made Himself vulnerable to His creation—deliberately, consciously.  All other gods demand sacrifice but not this God:  “I will have mercy and not sacrifice.”" -Fiona Givens, The Weeping God.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" (Marianne Williamson)

"Jesus wept"  (John 11: 35)

Why is it so difficult for us to comprehend a God who weeps?

Why does God weep?

Why is weeping associated with weakness?

These questions have been running through my mind since reading the essay The Weeping God by Fiona Givens. To answer them, I think it's actually best to start with the last. Why is weeping associated with weakness? Why should the display of such strong emotion be considered lacking in strength?

I believe that we are afraid of the power of our own emotions. We are afraid of our hearts that can feel so deeply, and so we hide them away behind many walls and barriers. I, personally, try my best not to show any of my really strong emotions, especially tears. Everyone at some point has done this- held back so that no one would see us cry. Revealing that deep well of emotion, that vulnerable part of yourself, is scary. We are afraid of the power of our hearts, and we are afraid that other people will break them.

Over so many years, we have built up our society so that the hiding of emotion is normal, and so to show it must be a flaw, a breakdown of the walls we build for the sake of fitting in. Haven't we all seen someone crying and thought "that's pathetic" or that they were weak? Haven't we all reprimanded those who were hurting, telling them to "tough it up?" Crying is not seen as anything but weakness. It is seen as displaying a lack of self control.

Thus, a God who weeps is seen as sacrilegious. God is perfect; He has no weaknesses. How then could He weep? How could He lose control in such a way? Though God weeps for different reasons than we, His imperfect children, do, this difference goes unnoticed by society. If tears are weakness, they do not belong to God, but only to man, in our imperfect, fallen state.

But what if weeping is not weakness, but rather just an expression of emotion? What if society's perception is backwards? What if tears are rather the outpouring of emotions that have caused a heart to finally overflow?

Then a God who weeps becomes an emotional being, one who cares so deeply for His children that He cries for our pains and misfortunes. He is constantly watching over us, no matter what we are going through. He helps us where He can but He also allows us to grow, even if it pains Him to watch.

Isn't this a beautiful concept? An empathetic God who is always with us, who feels for our pains, who sheds tears for our sorrows. A Father who wishes only to hold us in His arms once more. A divine Being who loves His children enough to cry for us.

It changes us as well. Weeping becomes something with a place, something okay.  Crying becomes less shameful for us. It is no longer weakness. If God cries, then why can't we? To weep with and for others is something we learn from Him. To cry in the depths of our own trials is to cry unto Him, to ask for His aid. Tears are more than human weakness. Especially in sympathy for the pains of those we love. Especially in our own brokenheartedness. It deepens our sense of a caring Father in Heaven who loves us and will cry with us. God our Father is willing and able to "mourn with those that mourn...and comfort those who stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9) just as He has asked us to do for others.

I believe that the true strength of the heart lies in the depth of emotion we can feel without apology- not the depth of emotion we can hide from the world while wearing a mask of a smile. I believe tears arising from our deepest cares are signs of strength, of a full heart, of a large heart that holds a whole world. Those tears are the most genuine of all. I believe these are the tears of God, and they come from a heart as large as the universe, that spans the stars and circles the sun, that sees galaxies collapse and still cries when we fall.

The God who wept is the strongest and most divine of all.

Tears and Rain

I am of the opinion that crying purifies the soul
Like a release valve for pent up emotion
And afterwards you smell petrichor
The clean scent of earth after rain
Tears may fall and feel so weak
But in truth you've been strong for too long
And weakness is necessary that we might be
Humbled and brought unto God
I am of the opinion that crying keeps us standing
When everything else has fallen down
That, though shoulders bowed, and tears are falling
They are water to this dehydrated ground

PAD Day 6