I'm not sure what it was specifically that hit me so hard. I know the line "we accept the love we think we deserve" has always been one of my favorites, even before seeing the movie. And "in that moment, we were infinite." I did gain one more that I think will stay with me, and that is "we can't choose where we come from, but we do get to choose where we go from there" or something similar.
I think the part that first touched me was that, for the characters, life was hard. So hard. There were a million things going on at once, and there was something deeper behind everything. And I guess I saw a little of myself in Charlie, not in his experiences, but in his reluctance to open up to anyone, including himself. Because it's hard for me to trust people, especially when things are hurting me. I've often told myself, the only one that sees me cry, really cry, is me. And it's probably true, at least for most of my life. So I related to that, to how he hid his pain, how he coped with it on his own and just tried to make it go away. I can understand how, even when he had known these friends for a while, and trusted them, how even after they'd stood with him through thick and thin, I understand, I think, he was still afraid that if they knew anything about the shadows inside him, they'd leave. No matter how unreasonable that fear was and no matter if he knew it. Of course, his shadows were much darker than mine hopefully will ever be. But I believe that the fear is the same. And the need, the wish, to have someone to open up to. Even though we're too afraid to try and reach out first. Except for, perhaps, in really vague posts on the internet, or letters to a friend who will never receive them.
The quote that I mentioned earlier, my new favorite, about choosing where we go, that one resonated with me. Compared to many, my life hasn't been that difficult. That is true. But it is also true that my situation was not ideal. It was hard, and stressful, and more than I should've had to bear, or would've in the ideal situation. It was never easy. But it wasn't impossible. I managed to make it, and at times, it was beautiful, it was fun, and I enjoyed it. And now I get to choose where I go from here It's all up to me- finally. I no longer have to struggle with the same things that I did while growing up. Well, mostly. And I am so happy about that. I didn't get to choose where I came from, but it shaped who I am today, and I like who I'm becoming. And now I get to choose where I go. That's life, I guess. I think that line was the point in the movie where I really started to tear up.
There was one other thing that resonated- something that has been true lately, but isn't always, or even often, and that is the theme of loneliness. An ever-present feeling of isolation. It's been hanging over me lately, and because I don't know how to open up, I haven't told anyone. I've been dealing with it the best way I know how- joking it off, subtly appealing for company, curling up with blankets and food, reading, trying to sleep it off...It hasn't worked. Though I do honestly think I haven't been sleeping enough, and that's why it's bothering me still. But at those times when it becomes too much, I do wish for a helping hand. And that's when I relate most to Charlie at the beginning of the movie, and after his breakup with Mary Elizabeth. Because even though I have friends- great friends- I'm not brave enough to trust them. Or to go to them for comfort. And so I still feel alone. Until I get rid of it on my own. Which I have done, many, many times.
Oh look. I'm crying again.
I hope that everyone gets the chance to see this movie. I believe what my friend said, that it connects to everyone differently. Since each of our lives are different, it makes sense. There are so many layers to this story. Friendship, love, trust, bad experiences, depression, suicide, joy, protection, heartbreak, and probably many more that I missed. I could relate to so many different pieces of this movie, but not nearly all of it, and a lot that I won't talk about here. I think this movie is the thing that helped my current cloud the most. Because somehow, even though it's a movie, it's inanimate and unchanging, somehow, it understands.
In conclusion, this movie is wonderful and I'd like to get my hands on the book in the near future.
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