Those Days

You know those days where everything feels just a bit...off? Like something's changed, something's different, something's missing. Like suddenly you have to learn to live again, like you haven't been doing it every day of your life so far. Like if someone came to your house and moved everything an inch to the left.

It's the kind of day where either you can write really sad stories, or really trippy ones. Where either you're totally depressed, totally elated, or completely and entirely apathetic. Or just tired. Worn out. It's the kind of day where reason says "I'm taking a break" and you want to be stupid. You want to laugh, cry, hug, sleep, be alone, be with people, everything all at once. You don't know what you want, but you want it now. It's the kind of day where your eyes simply can't focus on one thing, and you don't know what kind of music to listen to.

I've been having quite a few of those lately. It's a sort of disconnect from the world. Likely to end badly. Also really shouldn't drive while feeling this way, because it's harder to pay attention. It's probably just me, thinking too hard again. Doing too much and not taking care of myself like I need to. Not sleeping enough, resting, studying, reading enough. 

The moral of the story is, don't forget to take care of yourself. It's a good thing I didn't have to take my midterm today, because it's hard to focus. But I have to study today. We'll see what happens. 

Take care of yourself, what few of you out there read this. Get enough sleep. Read a book with a friend. Watch that movie you've been meaning to. Give good hugs. Do your homework on time. Be better than me. Won't be hard, since I've been pretty awful at this in the past week. 

Just take care of yourself, okay?

Okay.

Sunday Series: Alma 14:11

I've been thinking, and I'd like to start this Sunday Series thing, where basically I get to write about things that spiritually inspired me during the week. There might be one post, or multiple, but there will be at least one. So here goes :)

"But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people ma do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day" (Alma 14:11)

I actually read this scripture during my study this morning, and something that it hits on really fascinates me. That is, the idea that the righteous suffer so the wicked may be punished. Of course, that's dumbing it down a lot. It's a lot deeper than that, but that sentence is the most basic form of the thought that popped into my head. I'd like to elaborate on that thought.

This scripture is from when Alma and Amulek were teaching in Ammonihah. They have been captured by the wicked authorities of the city, and are being forced to watch the martyrdom of all the believers, as they are thrown into a fire, along with all the sacred records. Amulek pleads with Alma to allow them to exercise the power of God and save them. That is when Alma says what is quoted in the verse above.

What really caught my attention was the line "that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them...may be just." They cannot save the people because then the wicked could not be judged. If they had not been able to commit the crime, atrocious as it was, and painful to watch, if Alma and Amulek had stopped them, they could not have been rightly judged at the last day. You cannot be condemned without first committing a crime. You cannot be punished for intent- it is the action that brings down the law.

This is a fascinating point to me: that sometimes people are allowed to commit the crime so they can be punished for it. It's difficult to explain it in words. In God's kingdom, there is no room for the unclean, or for the wicked. They cannot stay. But unless they sin, how could they be told not to stay in God's presence? So to stop them from sinning would be to hinder justice and to place unclean beings in God's presence.

I'd like to focus on the justice aspect especially. Justice cannot be exercised without the person first committing a crime. So despite the pain it may cause, it must be done so that God can judge them. This seems a little harsh, looking at it from a human perspective, but that's exactly why it does: because the human perspective is different. In the grand scheme of things, what harms us on Earth will not harm us eternally, unless we allow it to. Our spirits will survive. But to the natural man, death and pain are the absolute end, and so to allow someone to be killed for the sake of justice seems even more horrifying than to realize that, hey, that's just the mortal body that is dead. Their spirit is safe with God, and now the killer can truly face justice. (Not that murder isn't horrifying and terrible, because it is. It's just looking in the grand scheme rather than at just this mortal life) It's a very interesting perspective.

It also has to do with agency, of course. God cannot stop someone from hurting another without taking away their agency- a thing He will never do. And so justice then becomes the great equalizer in a sense. They were able to hurt this other person, but they will be punished. This truly is like a father and his children- sometimes your child rebels and they do bad things, but they will be punished for doing wrong, and that is how they learn. It's amazing to me.

Anyway, sorry for my random disjointed ramblings! I hope they made some sense, and maybe they can help you make sense of why people are allowed by God to do bad things to other people. There are other reasons for trials, and different things that happen, but this particular point was what I was thinking about.

Photo Editing

So fun. Too much fun, actually. Even with not-super-nice software. Went from these:

To these:

Totally fun! Now I've just got to get at the rest of my pictures. 

Temple Trip!

Today, my friend Heather and I had an opportunity to walk around the temple and take some pictures! Although we didn't get a chance to actually do baptisms, we're planning to have another trip soon. But a lot of the pictures we took are worth looking at! 

This is actually outside Heather's apartment while I was waiting

We got this photo on accident, but isn't it gorgeous?

Early missionary photos!

Early missionary photos!

The angel Moroni was facing the sun

We're cute :)

Loved the blur on this one- I didn't do anything to it

Why

Why do I write?

I write because I have to.

I write because there are worlds upon worlds layered in my mind, waiting to be described on a page.

I write because I have so many ideas churning within me and the only way to understand them is to write them, to see them in black and white letters.

I write, because if I didn't, my head might explode from the pressure of trying to remember, to hold onto, all these ideas that I can't forget, all these ideals that I didn't know I believed. Until the storm in my mind is quieted, until the roiling passion within my head has passed, has become words and paragraphs and many, many blog posts.

I write for all the emotions I feel, that conflict and clash, and hurt, and heal. Because being human can be so hard and confusing and wonderful that there's no way to express it with logic or math or science, it can only be expressed through the soul, through creativity, and most especially through these words on the page. My soul is a poem, a story, a novel by God, and I have to try, day by day, to write out these pieces of it so that I and the world around me can read it and know who I am.

I write because the world is beautiful

And I write because it's not.

I write because there are equal amounts of horror and beauty in the world and it's so hard to see them sometimes, and other times, they simply can't be ignored, and they clamor and scream and push until they are shared. Because sometimes the beauty is so great I want to stand in awe and wonder, and sometimes the horror is that great too. And it has to be written. It has to be put down, defined, and unfortunately diminished in a small amount in order to share it. But in the sharing, it regains all the beauty it lost and sometimes more.

I write to heal my shattered soul and to put my pieces together until I can see the image of myself in my mind, made of these letters that make the words that make me. Until the sentences finally make sense and my mind is organized and I can see straight again. Because it gets messy, here in my heart, and it's hard to know which way is up and which is down until I have buried myself in the words and given myself time to heal, to patch the holes that this world puts in.

I write because I want to be seen.

I write to be seen, because how else do you know a human soul but by the words they choose to write? I want to know and be known. And so I write.

Ramblings

I'm grasping at a thought and can't quite reach it. It has to do with the righteous, being abused by the wicked, with the righteous being taken and ruled and used because they won't seize power. And it seems like the wicked always win, because they use the methods that the righteous won't, and if the righteous did use them, they would not be righteous. This thought has to do with not being able to fix everything, with letting go. It has to do with hubris and fatal flaws, with the fact that no one person can fix everything. It has to do with how the righteous can win through the right methods eventually, even though the fight seems lost. I can't remember where I read this, but it was in a book. The hopelessness of being unable to act because to act would be to become one of them, to be wicked. Because sometimes bad things happen and evil wins. But let it be known that they have only won the battle and not the war! This is why democracy is so important, why tyranny CANNOT stand, because in a tyranny, evil will win. Evil will triumph and there will be no resistance. There will only be pain. But with a democracy, righteousness has a chance. They can win, and lead. Tyranny is the bane of righteousness, and a tyrant who thinks he is good is full of hubris, of pride, of conceit. No one man can fix everything. Only all the good working together can do it. Only a whole body of good men can begin to make a difference. I think it is significant here that America's founding was done by a group of men. It took more than one man to free a nation from tyranny, though it took one man to enslave it. It may only take one to enslave, to wound, to stagnate, to subvert, to pressure until all hope is lost, to convince that he, and only he, is right. That he, and only he, can see and fix all the problems of the world, when there is NOTHING further from the truth. We all see the problems, but we handle them differently. No solution can truly be ideal for everyone, but through cooperation, a compromise that works for the majority can be reached. Working together is the only way to maintain both security and freedom under law.

I do believe that the main point of this thought I'm trying to reach is that the end does not matter as much as the means used to get there. The end DOES NOT justify the means. No matter what good may be done, no matter the banner that they fly, a tyrant is a tyrant and must go. A tyrant's methods and cruelty cannot justify whatever good they might do. Last night, I was working on a paper for my American Heritage class about the rule of law. I was writing about ISIS and how they have violated the rule of law- how they are essentially a tyranny. I also came across something interesting, which was that ISIS has done some good for the people that they have conquered. They have established a firm state, and abide by their own laws even. they do some good for the citizens. But who among the people of the world wishes to keep ISIS in place? Who would have them stay to reign? None! Because they have violated the rights of the people, they have taken their freedom away, and no good can outweigh that. The end in no way justifies the means. The righteous and those who wish for a good world cannot use the methods of tyranny, for then they become exactly like those that they are resisting. We are what we do, and a tyrant is a tyrant, no matter his intentions. We are defined through our actions, and so if we are to be one of the righteous, we must act as one of them. We must make different choices than the wicked. That is why the righteous do not operate under the same methods as the wicked. That is why the righteous do not seize power, why they choose democracy, because they are righteous. Their choices define them.

There's a quote about a good man going to war...let me look it up

“Demons run when a good man goes to war
Night will fall and drown the sun
When a good man goes to war

Friendship dies and true love lies
Night will fall and the dark will rise
When a good man goes to war

Demons run, but count the cost
The battle's won, but the child is lost”

― Steven Moffat

Turns out it's from Doctor Who. I do think that might be where part of this thought came from, but not all of it. The point is that when a good man goes to war, they can win, but they may lose more than they gain. "The child is lost." There are times when good men must go to war, I know, when tyranny becomes so utterly unbearable that the good men cannot wait any longer and must rise up. Yet, mark the difference in what comes after! Good men, righteous men, will strive for freedom for all mankind. They will create democracy- look at America! look at the Book of Mormon! Example after example where the righteous establish democracy. And yet, when the wicked fight, it is for power. It is for their own gain and refuses to acknowledge others at all. They establish tyranny, with themselves at the head, that they might have what they desire at the expense of others. That, I think, is the most profound difference. You see, in each case, each person has a chance to get what they want. But the means are different. A good man may wish to fix the world, to have power, but he will not take away anyone else's voice to do it. He will offer them a choice. A wicked man gives no ground. A righteous man creates a framework where all can find happiness, and gain their desires. A wicked man will gain his desires at the expense of others. It is true that both will go after what they want. Both can be self-interested. But the difference is in the means, in the methods they use. Good men step lightly on the earth, but they are happier than all the wicked ever were.

The righteous refuse to take away the freedom of others to gain their own desires. The righteous will establish freedom for all.

The wicked will stomp all over the rights of their fellow men to get what they want. The wicked will take away others' freedom if it means getting their way.

The righteous see the value in others' opinions, and can see that other people can be right. Other people can help. The righteous work together to find a common solution. This is democracy.

The wicked sees only their way, sees that only they are right. They will not accept aid or listen. They work alone, believing that only they can fix what is wrong with the broken world. This is tyranny.

Now, this wicked isn't the word used in the traditional sense. In the ramblings of my mind, it was just used as the word that best fit. Really, wicked is the end result of this thought pattern. We are human- we can choose who to be. And whichever pattern we choose, whichever actions we take, they will define us in the last day, in judgment. Until that day, we can still change.

You know, I never realized how strong my own opinions were on this topic until I began to write it out. Turns out, this is one of my core philosophies: That we are defined by what we do, and that the end does not justify the means. That democracy is the best way, the only way that allows the good to have a chance.

Love Languages

I recently read the book "The Five Love Languages." I'd heard a lot about it and was super curious. So I checked it out from the library (the singles edition because the didn't have the original).

Conclusion? Totally worth the read.

It taught me a lot about myself and other people, and it's been interesting to look at my life with this new perspective. So my primary love language is almost certainly physical touch, with quality time coming close behind. It's been interesting to note that the less hugs I get, the more grumpy I am, and I even get stressed out easier (sleep might also be a small factor). So I know that if I'm feeling too stressed or grumpy or whatever, I just need to get a hug from someone. A good hug- no lame ones. So that was one practical application. I can also seek out quality time with friends or family- or even myself, because sometimes everyone needs some quality alone time. That helps refill my "love tank," as the book calls it, and gets me through another day.

The other fun part has been trying to determine what other people's love languages are, and let me tell you, I'm pretty abysmal at identifying them so far. But it's still a fun thing to think about- what makes this person tick? What makes them feel happy? Loved? Appreciated? It's something that, especially as an author, I've always been curious about. Isn't it fascinating that there can be billions of living people just as complex as we are? And yet they are so different from us. We can never see all of a person's complexity- I've heard it explained as we think so many words a minute, and we can't speak that fast, and I doubt very much that we can gain any kind of understanding as fast as we speak the words that we think. It's so fascinating to me, and I want to understand it. So the love languages are a good tool.

It was really interesting to read about the different ways that people feel loved, and the different things that we can do, both to find love, and to give love. So my challenge is to do that. Apply it in your own life- look for how others feel loved, and make them feel loved! If you haven't read the book, read it, or at least Wikipedia it. And then use what you've learned.

And if you see me, give me a hug.