Love Languages

I recently read the book "The Five Love Languages." I'd heard a lot about it and was super curious. So I checked it out from the library (the singles edition because the didn't have the original).

Conclusion? Totally worth the read.

It taught me a lot about myself and other people, and it's been interesting to look at my life with this new perspective. So my primary love language is almost certainly physical touch, with quality time coming close behind. It's been interesting to note that the less hugs I get, the more grumpy I am, and I even get stressed out easier (sleep might also be a small factor). So I know that if I'm feeling too stressed or grumpy or whatever, I just need to get a hug from someone. A good hug- no lame ones. So that was one practical application. I can also seek out quality time with friends or family- or even myself, because sometimes everyone needs some quality alone time. That helps refill my "love tank," as the book calls it, and gets me through another day.

The other fun part has been trying to determine what other people's love languages are, and let me tell you, I'm pretty abysmal at identifying them so far. But it's still a fun thing to think about- what makes this person tick? What makes them feel happy? Loved? Appreciated? It's something that, especially as an author, I've always been curious about. Isn't it fascinating that there can be billions of living people just as complex as we are? And yet they are so different from us. We can never see all of a person's complexity- I've heard it explained as we think so many words a minute, and we can't speak that fast, and I doubt very much that we can gain any kind of understanding as fast as we speak the words that we think. It's so fascinating to me, and I want to understand it. So the love languages are a good tool.

It was really interesting to read about the different ways that people feel loved, and the different things that we can do, both to find love, and to give love. So my challenge is to do that. Apply it in your own life- look for how others feel loved, and make them feel loved! If you haven't read the book, read it, or at least Wikipedia it. And then use what you've learned.

And if you see me, give me a hug.

People

I do not believe we met by chance
On this lonely road at dusk
I cannot believe in a random collision of souls
That we were both here means it is meant to be
You and I
Friends

I believe we are placed on a path
To bump into those that can teach us
We can change for the better with them
And each teaches the other
You and I
Friends

I believe in bumping into strangers
On this lonely road called life
And bringing them into your journey
To share the hike and the beauty with
You and I
Friends

I believe in chance and change
But not coincidence or chaos
Not in the meeting of two souls that are
This vibrant when together
You and I
Friends

There is nothing out of place in this ordered world
Each of us is where we're meant to be
And so each of us has a purpose to meet
Here where we are
You and I

Friends

See The World

What do you do when you see the world differently?

This has been on my mind a lot recently. Mostly because I'm realizing more and more that I see the world differently than most people around me, in ways that make it easier and harder to interact with them.

Recently I broke up with someone who turned out to be not quite the person I thought they were. They weren't as "good" as I'd pictured them to be. They had darkness that should've pushed me away long ago, but didn't, because of how I saw them, how I see the world, and people in general.

Not as recently, I realized that I really get along with anyone and everyone. I can be friends with everyone, but not always best friends. This also comes from how I see the world. It's both a good thing and a bad thing.

The question lies in, inherently, the way I see people.

When I look at people, meet people, I tend to see the best in them. To see their good side and sometimes even ignore their bad side. This allows me to get along with anyone on a basic level. Good, right?

Yet the same has caused me pain. As a human being, I crave love, affection, trust, given and taken. I crave that deep interaction with people and yet it's rare that I get close enough to someone to trust them that much. I believe it is because of how I see people. As essentially good. Because I ignore their faults when I see my own so clearly. Because I don't give enough.

It also causes trouble because by ignoring faults, I can and have allowed myself to deeply trust people who never should have seen that much of me. That is what happened recently. I ignored all warning signs and let myself get close to someone who ultimately was not as good as I believed.

So what do you do with someone who sees the world this way, as inherently good, pure, innocent? I've had people coddle me. I've had people disillusion me, or try to. Yet nothing has changed.

I see the world at its best. I see the good side of people, until the darker part is too large to ignore. Still, I don't know if I can believe that some of my friends might do drugs. Or look at porn. Or break rules. Or hurt people or hate people or judge them. Or I believe and subsequently ignore it, I'm not sure.

Is it good or bad that I see the way I do? Because though I see it this way, I also see its brokenness. I see the places I would patch, change for the better. I know my ideal world, and I want to bring my dream and reality together. So how can how I see the world be so bad?

But it hurts people too. It hurt someone I cared for deeply. It hurts me, often. More often than perhaps even I realize. So how could it be good? But I do believe it's good. Isn't it the pain that makes us human?

Unappreciated

I was recently told that I'm really really bad at opening up, that they felt unappreciated by me. Looking at myself, I do suppose it might be true. But this same person has recently inspired in me feelings of being trapped and underappreciated myself. As well as having betrayed my trust multiple times before. It was a wonder I was still close to this person, I suppose, but he was- is?- my best friend, and recently more than that but no longer.

What is it to be unappreciated? To feel unwanted, to feel unloved? Or just neglected? I believe it to be any of those and all three, but also to be something else.

Do you ever think that sometimes people expect too much? I do. They want more than you can give, time, money, love. I recently watched an episode of The Mentalist (great show) where a girl killed her sister and framed someone else. This girl, Lindsay if I recall correctly, thought that now the way was open for the man who loved her sister to fall in love with her. Her unrealistic expectations caused a lot of grief and in fact, and most importantly, caused her to feel....take a guess...unappreciated.

Usually it doesn't happen on such a large scale. Sometimes it's just that simple expecting of someone you care about, expecting them to give more than they can, and when they don't live up to that, blaming them for not trying hard enough. Having those expectations can easily make a person feel unappreciated when that could have simply accepted what they were given with joy, realizing that the other did not have to give anything and in some cases shouldn't have.

The unappreciated feelings, however, run rampant on both sides of this equation. What about the person whom these expectations were placed on? Who struggles under the weight of trying to meet them, when their every effort is responded to with "not good enough," what about them? Like a spoiled child thrust into poverty and the mother who tries to feed him, that's how it feels. You give all you can from where you are and are rewarded with temper tantrums, bowls of carefully bought food spilled and scattered because it's "not good enough." To be there feels like taking a hammer to a glass replica of your soul and this person stepping up to say "let me help." And they hammer you to pieces with the weight of your failure to meet their expectations, your inability to give them what they want.

Sometimes though, expectations are realistic. Sometimes the other person isn't trying. The key to knowing, I suppose, is careful evaluation of both people, their efforts and expectations.

Feeling unappreciated is a genuine thing, and it hurts. It doesn't matter which side of it you're on. I know it, having felt it myself. I left because I felt trapped and unappreciated, because I looked at the situation and it was wrong. Even then, it hurts. I gave someone everything and broke myself on their expectations because it wasn't enough. It hurts but it was right, and I don't regret it. Someday it will work out. Someday it will be worth pushing through. I have faith in that.

Pushing and Strong Tides

Lately I've been facing down a rather big issue in my life. I won't name it but suffice it to say that it could change the course of my summer. It also, I think, is at the core of me deciding who I want to be.

I think in the end, it comes down to, am I cautious or reckless? Can I take a risk and do something likely entirely pointless? Or will I pull away, pull back into my walls that I built to keep the recklessness out? Either side has its pros and cons, and neither one of them feels totally wrong or right. And no matter which course I take, someone I love will be hurt in one way or another.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the tides that this issue brings up. From both sides of the issue, I have been pushed and shoved and battered around by those who mean most to me, those who know how to use my emotions against me to influence my course of action. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to decide anything, where I want to just leave, go somewhere far away, and forget it ever existed. But I can't do that because I'd leave my heart behind.

Isn't it funny, in this fast paced world, how we're never given time to think? Most of this shoving has taken place over the last two-three day period. It's been "make a decision now, decide, go quick!" Yesterday, I was shoved into action and I do believe that because of that, I acted too hastily. I was not given time to put my thoughts in order and decide for myself. I've been trying to pull back, to figure it out and consider for myself what I might do. I've been trying to take time, moments to think of ways I could act, and of what either path would mean for me. Hopefully I didn't alienate any of my options by my hasty actions. I don't believe I have.

I am still being pushed as I move around. But I have tried, this time, again and again, to say that I will not commit until I can be totally behind it. I will not commit to a course until I know where it will go and what it could do, and my mind agrees to it. I will not commit aloud until I am committed in my head. I plan on taking as much time as I need- a day, a week- until it begins to make sense.

Already this morning there have been numerous quiet moments that allowed me to think about the issue. Already a picture is beginning to form. But I am only coming to understand my options, and haven't decided yet. Hopefully it will come soon, for if it doesn't the pressure will return and I'm  afraid these strong tides will pull my little ship under and drown any chance I have of learning to sail on my own.

Moral of the story, I suppose, is not to pressure people into decisions when they are not ready to make them. I do believe that, no matter which way I choose, if my decision is because I was pressured into it, then I will regret it. I will pull away and take the time and space and actions that I need to make a decision that is entirely my own.

Don't Mistake Anchors for the Tide

If a ship puts down an anchor, it is held in place. It can only shift in a tight circle around the spot where the anchor is lodged. The tide will pull at such a ship- and any ship for that matter- attempting to bring the ship into its motion and to push it out to sea.

There are anchors on land too, although they're a little less heavy and a little more metaphorical. Anchors such as religion, family, and friends. Specifically friends.

My friends have been, in the past, my anchors. They have kept me grounded and kept me in perspective. They have kept me in the right and always supported me in my decisions while not being afraid to express their concerns as well. Yet in the end, they were my anchor and support.

Until recently, that is.

My anchors have become the tide, I feel. They push and pull at me and what little anchoring I have left in the two or three friends that I still truly trust. This tide has come close to bringing me "out to sea" time and time again. While I wasn't watching, secure in my "anchored" position, they began to erode and become one with the sea. Yet still I believed them to be anchors and began to trust the tide to keep me in place.

It took me a long time to realize what was happening, and a huge amount of effort to pull my "ship" back into place. I was forced to find new anchors, and to strengthen the anchor in my own soul against their tide. Even now, it is difficult to work against the pull of my old anchors-turned-tide.

People often change. New people can often be nearly the opposite of who you think they are. Friends can be both tides and anchors for our moral, emotional, and perhaps even physical, well-being. They can support or push and pull beyond the circle allowed by an anchor's leash. Be careful in your choice of anchors- they may in fact be the tide in disguise.

What People Really Look Like

I read this article in the Reader's Digest, and though the title may seem a little odd, the message is great. I especially love the last lines:

"I’ll tell you what people look like, really: They look like flames. Or like the stars on a clear night in the wilderness."

It's true, really.

Being an artist, I love to look at people as if they were art, or as if I were going to draw them, and this description of people is the most accurate I've read. The funny thing about looking at people the way I do is that they don't look like what I might predict they would. They don't look like "fat" or "thin" or "blond." They don't look like "bodies." They look like pure souls, like flames. They look beautiful, especially when they are speaking of something they love. There is a light that glows from inside a person that is visible, but only if it's looked at just right. That light is one of the most stunning things I've ever seen.

It is especially present in people's faces and eyes, in the movements they make when they speak without fear. It is indiscriminate to clothing, height, weight, or any of the physical attributes we have so long been taught to value. The only thing that matters is who they are and what they love, and it glows out of them.

This light must be the "soul." The image that comes to mind with the word "soul" for me is a ball of light, a bright vivid light, possibly with a sort of fiery thing going on. That's what people look like.

People look like poetry.