What I Wish I Could Say

*I wrote this a while back, and upon reading it again, I thought I'd publish it. It seems very relatable, even coming from a different place in my life*

I'm scared.

I'm scared of going away, of not finding anyone to care for, of not finding anyone who cares. That sounds really shallow, but understand I can't be alone. I can't be alone because when I'm alone my thoughts get dark, and my head goes places no head should ever go.

I'm scared of getting close to you because I'm leaving, and when I do, one or both of us will end up broken. 

I'm scared of getting close because I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to be hurt. I'm scared of being hurt by hurting you. I'm scared that if I trust you, that you won't give me anything of you and I'll be left without me because I'm giving it to you.

I'm scared of pulling away as well, of losing this newfound care and all that I've found in the place where you are. I'm scared of being alone, and especially of being without you. I'm scared of making it too hard for you so that you decide I'm not worth it anymore and leave me behind, but I'm scared you might do that if I make it too easy as well.

And I know that I've nothing else to do but risk it all. It's the only option left, to risk that jump, but I'm scared to. I'm scared to lose anything, and to gain it as well. And I don't get scared, but sometimes I do, and right now I'm terrified.

I'm terrified that I'm losing this fight, this fight to live, to love and to trust myself and all of humanity because I want to give so much but I'm scared to. I'm scared of not knowing what to do, and I don't know what to do.

I'm so scared to ask for help, though I know that I need it. I know what I need, I think, though I'm scared that I'm wrong and I'm terrified to ask for what I think I need. I'm too scared to ask for what I think I need or accept anything from anyone because I'm scared of being betrayed.

And I'm scared to tell you any of this. So I won't.