"That I May Write The Things Of God"

I have tried to write this two or three times because I know there is something important I need to say. It is hard to express in words.

Life moves on.

Time passes

People come and go, in and out, and sometimes I wonder, will I ever know what becomes of them?

I used to wonder all the time what other people thought of me. I worried relentlessly about being anything less than perfect, about messing up or hurting someone. I had a sincere desire to do the right thing, but in a way, it went too far. I cared so much about what these people thought of me that I forgot what God thought of me.

I graduated high school and went to college, where I made many new friends, yet the old worries still came.

I submitted my papers for a mission.

I waited.

The breakdown came the day before my mission call arrived in the mail. I was so afraid to go and to talk to these people. What will they think of me? I worried what people would say or do and how I could possibly handle it all. I cried for a long time and I hid.

A good friend told me all I had to do was love the people. That was it. And then I would be okay.

So I did. I spent eighteen months in the Pacific Northwest loving the people, fighting my demons, and most importantly, I grew closer to God.

Then something interesting happened.

I realized I didn't really care what people thought anymore. I cared about them, instead of caring about how they felt about me. I realized that I am a daughter of God and that His opinion is all that matters. And I realized that in His eyes, I am special and divine and unique. I have a role to play in His plan. I realized that this was unchanging. That He was always by my side and that He always had been, even in the darkest and loneliest of nights.

Now, those people I used to worry about have all seemed to fade away. High school is a distant memory. None of that lasted for very long. After all, it's only been a little less than three years.

I have watched lives move forward and people change. I have seen how my perceptions from long ago were wrong. I realized how much I needed my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and how much I could rely on them. They have never let me down- and they never will.

Once, in a district meeting, the question was asked, "How would you define humility?" And I said "Confidence in God."

That is the truest thing I know. That is what I hold on to. I have confidence that in the end, everything will fall into place because He promised that it will. I have confidence in myself and my potential because He told me who I am. I know myself the importance of having a determined heart, and following Him is a choice I make every day. I can have confidence because of Him. My strength is in Him. He is everything, and He will never fail.

Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that. I would have been cynical. I "believed" but didn't have faith because I thought I was too flawed to be fixed.

Now I know better.

So I am grateful every day for my mission. I am grateful for the opportunity to be, uninterrupted, with the Spirit, to learn and grow while facing some of the toughest adversity I've faced yet. I am grateful that I learned about the Atonement and that I can change. I don't have to be who I was. Today does not have to be like yesterday, because of Him. I am grateful for the friends I made, especially in my Heavenly Father and Savior. I am grateful for words. Even though they are not perfect, they have become my vehicle to understanding the world. I am grateful that now my foundation is built on solid ground. I am grateful to be able to move forward.

The deepest desire of my heart is to look at His face on that final day and to hear Him say my name with pride. The deepest desire of my heart is to be welcomed into His presence, to hear the words "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

And now I believe that I can make it there.

He Will Make You Whole

This morning, I embarked on the adventure of reading the Book of Mormon through with a question- and this time the question I selected was "What lack I yet?" I received many impressions pointing towards the future even in just the first few pages, of how to live purposefully, how to rest when needed, how to rely on the Spirit of the Lord. Then I came upon this verse:

"And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice and his heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him" (1 Nephi 1:15, emphasis added)

That phrase instantly struck me- "and his heart was filled." On my mission and throughout my life I have struggled with a deep emptiness of heart. I have felt nagging self-doubt, crippling fear and panic, overwhelming sadness, and so many things.

This especially seemed to peak on my mission. I reached a point where I felt barely able to go out to work every morning. I had lost my hope. I was lagging in energy. I felt extreme anxiety at the thought of speaking to strangers and of being rejected again....and again....and again. I felt so lost. One night I broke down. I sat in the bathroom (the only place where I could be alone) and cried. I felt my soul was struggling against the darkness and losing. I felt like everything was lost and that I was worth nothing. I felt that my Father in Heaven was disappointed and that I had failed Him, that I was holding back His work.

Luckily for me, I had a companion who was in tune with the Spirit. She came and knocked on the door of the bathroom and we sat and talked until I felt well enough to go to bed. Soon after, we went to the mission nurse and explained what was going on and asked for help- one of the hardest and most humbling experiences I have ever had. I expressed my feelings, and instead of responding with disdain, or anger (which is, for some reason, always what I expect), everyone in the office responded with increased love and care. They didn't seem to lose respect for me. They cared about me. I received a wonderful priesthood blessing of strength and a confirmation that I was not alone, that my Father was not disappointed in me, and that I would be strong enough to get through this.

I was referred to a counselor through LDS Family Services, one who regularly works with missionaries. At first I was kind of ashamed and I felt a bit broken, having to go to "counseling." For me, there was some kind of stigma associated with it. (Afterwards, now knowing what I do, I realized that needing to see a counselor is far more common among missionaries than I realized, and that really there is nothing to be ashamed of). I met with him and he helped me talk through my thoughts. We went over what was running through my head. Then we began to analyze the thoughts. Things such as "nobody likes me" and "I'm not good enough." Thoughts of failure, of ruining everything. He explained to me that much of this was all objective. We began to get out of my impulse brain and into my reasoning brain. We talked back to those thoughts. The result is the picture below- the bad thoughts in red, and the reasonable ones in green. (it wasn't complete because we ran out of time).

I began to realize that much of this darkness wasn't truth. It came from Satan's whispers. I was engaged in the greatest work of all- to bring down his kingdom, a war he has already lost. Of course he wanted me to fail! I left feeling rejuvenated. 

The anxiety and doubt didn't go away overnight. In fact, so far, it hasn't gone away at all. But for the rest of my mission, I got much better at talking back to it. There are some facts that I know that I do not let myself forget. The first is that my Heavenly Father loves me. That is unchangeable. The second is that He is not disappointed in me. As long as I continue to fight, to keep His commandments and follow Him, I will not disappoint Him! I have been told that He is proud of me in many priesthood blessings. I choose to believe that. I remember that I have worth that is infinite, outside of anything I do, and that my potential is great. I remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, that He doesn't expect me to be perfect now, only to keep getting back up and moving forward. I remember that my Savior's Atonement is infinite and that it is infinite for me. He can heal me and fix me. I am never broken beyond repair. 

Sometimes I still break down and cry. Sometimes there are bad days where my mind won't be silenced and I just have to let it be or distract myself. Most of the time, hard work is the answer. And service. Sometimes the answer is to rest, and that is okay- I have learned that it is okay to rest.  

In that verse that I quoted at the beginning, it said "his whole heart was filled." As I have climbed and hung on and battled upwards, I have felt that. The deep hole in my heart, that dark pit of anxiety and depression and fear, it can and has been filled many times. To overflowing. Even when I am afraid and anxious, even when I am sad, the Spirit brings peace within my fear, in the midst of my doubt. My Father's quiet whispers overwhelm every lie Satan whispers. Even when I am afraid, I am at peace. Even on my bad days, I can know that it will pass and I will be filled again. It is a promise from a perfect Father and He does not, nor will He ever break His promises. 

Though my burden has not been taken, I have been made strong enough to bear it. My healing has not been one time, but a little every day. And it has gotten better. And it will continue to get better. I know where my path leads- back home to my God, where finally there will be a rest from doubt and fear, where there will be only joy and rejoicing, and my heart will be full forever. That is the hope of the Atonement. That is the majesty of our Father's plan. That even though I am imperfect and sometimes lost in the shadows, there is a light ahead. And there is a Guide on the path and He has never left my side. I know that He has never left me throughout everything. And He will never leave you. He has always been with you. And He will fill your heart. 

This has been my life for nearly a year now- the battle of fighting back against fear and the adversary, the battle of choosing faith and choosing not to give up and drown in the darkness. And I will win. The victory has already been assured by my Savior in whom I trust. I will win. You will win. If you choose Him. He can lift you out of any darkness.

"But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole." (Luke 8:50)

"Things That Grow Slowly..."

The other day, my dad gave me some advice. He said "things that grow slowly live the longest."

Rewind about ten minutes. I was sitting on the couch, attempting to write my talk and feeling so totally overwhelmed by all I needed to do. I had to write this talk, and do it perfectly of course, I had to have the Spirit in it. I have to find housing for BYU in the fall. I have to find a job- I'd applied to a couple places with no luck yet. And of course, there was the inevitable pressure to attend a YSA branch, find an eternal companion, and live happily ever after. There was pressure to be productive and pressure to rest and I didn't know which to choose. It all came crashing down in tears. That's when my dad came to the rescue.

"Erin," he said, "you've only been home for eight days."

Wait. You mean, no one expects me to have a job, housing, class schedule, and engagement ring eight days after returning home from a mission?

He proceeded to tell me that I was perfectly normal. If I wasn't stressed out, he'd be worried. He said that all of that pressure was really all in my head. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and to take things slow. I'm not going to be put out on the streets if I don't have a job right after stepping off the plane. I don't have to be going every minute of the day like I was on my mission- I can slow down a bit and take time to make sure that I am okay. I can take time to read a book or have a nap, or write a blog post.

I can take the time to become comfortable with myself as a person in this world that is upside down from the past eighteen months. I can figure out where I fit and how I want to fit and what I want to do at the pace that I need.

So this week, I wrote my talk. I applied for a job (and didn't get it). I drank my smoothies in the morning because I know my brain does better on that than on cereal. I get up early (not 6:30, but before 9) and I make sure to exercise and study my scriptures. I've even tried listening to normal music a few times (and I've found that some of my tastes have changed). I've watched a few movies. I've discovered I loathe when everyone is stuck inside their mobile devices. I've spent time with friends and family. I caught a cold- and so I was able to get some extra sleep without having to work through it (too much).

Spending time with my friends helped a ton with making me feel more at home. My talk went very well (even if I gave it through a stuffed nose). I found some more places to apply to for a job. I started my ecclesiastical endorsement (halfway there) and today I'm making a bigger plan. I want to look at my week and plan, and set goals.

I learned on my mission that the opinions of others do not define me. I learned that Satan's favorite tools to incapacitate me are stress, anxiety, and discouragment. I've learned that ignoring those feelings, and fighting back, is the est way for me to be productive and confident. It is the only way for me to feel at peace, and to keep moving forward. Guilt holds me back. Fear pushes me under. I have to have faith, trust in God, and most especially work with patience. Because now I've been home for two weeks. I still don't have everything under control or worked out, and that is perfectly okay. Nobody expects me to. I just have to keep trying and everything will fall into place in the way it needs to be.

"You have months ahead of you," my dad said.

"I am proud of you," he said.

"Things that grow slowly live the longest"