Brain Dump: Risks

What do you do when multiple choices are set before you? When each has its own merits, but attendant risks as well. When none seem better than the others, what do you do?

Do you pick the riskiest choice, that leaves you with the most knowledge?

Do you pick the slightly less risky option and just hope that it works out?

Or do you pick the easiest and remain comfortable in your ignorance?

Does what you choose depend on what the choice is? On what the possible results are? I find myself at quite a crossroads this night. To confront, to tell- or to leave in darkness, sweep under the rug and just let it quietly die, as it has been doing so far. I struggle to determine the gravity of the situation- trifling, or absolutely necessary- as that will be the factor in the end that makes the choice. Many things come to this crossroads eventually but none so emotionally wrenching as this: the possible loss of a friendship before it had a chance to truly begin. And not knowing the reasons why.

So perhaps this writing is choosing the second option on my list of three. Something less risky, but that still may yield unfavorable results. I doubt that any choice would yield positive ones. And perhaps this writing is just what I needed to release the tension and anger building inside me before something truly devastating occurs. Like losing my temper. I hate losing my temper. Or damaging this pseudo-friendship further. But perhaps it never existed except in my head and the only thing that will die is a delusion. I hope that is not true.

Really, this isn't risky at all though. The chances that the person in question will read this are undoubtedly minuscule. And I needed to write it.

A question, dear readers, though your numbers are few.

What do you do at such a crossroads? Do you sit back and watch? Do you do as I am doing?

Or do you take the leap?

Skepticism

Skepticism.

I don't get it.

I'm also a born optimist.

And terribly tenacious when it comes to wanting something that I have no chance of getting.

It seems that sometimes bad experiences make people so jaded that they forget what good there is in the world. (Or they see the world for what it really is. I choose to not believe that is true.)

But my bad experiences haven't done that.

Whether it be friends, family, romantic relationships, horrible world tragedies, abuse, dumb laws like making weed legal in Colorado, whatever, I cannot be skeptical. I can't.

I tried once, for a few days. It was horrible.

Why do people feel that way? Do they choose it? Are they born with a predisposition for skepticism? Is it possible to experience so much that it just occurs, and I'm just sheltered? (The sheltered part isn't a question)

That sounds horrible.

I think it might be the third option. I really do. And I just haven't had enough heartbreak to really be skeptical. But honestly, I can feel it growing.

But it's not skepticism about the existence of love or the goodness of people. It's more like a belief that it's something to do with me- that something about the way I relate to the world makes it impossible for me to have a romantic relationship. Or even a really close friendship. I seem to push people away sometimes. And I'm never the one they go to first with their secrets. Which is sad, because if nothing else, I can listen.

And it's not a self esteem struggle, not really.

Oh well. This post is not about my problems with how I see myself either. But I do wonder if it's part of why I'm not skeptical yet. So many of my experiences with people have ended badly, or have had negative effects on my life. And I wonder if my view that it's something to do with me and not them has contributed to my thoughts that the world is still an essentially good place.

My theory is that insecurity is keeping me from skepticism.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That phrase is suddenly much more meaningful.

Can't I, can't we, deny both of them? Can't we all just be confident and optimistic?

That's what I want most of all, for everyone on this earth. Confidence and optimism. Both, not one or the other. I want an idealistic world. The kind of place where people are kind and loving and everyone supports everyone else, and everybody has a place and can be confident. And there's no unrealistic expectations, and the fact that I wear t shirts and jeans instead of dressing up, and that I keep my hair in braids and ponytails that take maybe two minutes rather than elaborate hairdos that take hours. I want it to be okay that there is no "typical" when it comes to style, hair, or humanity in general.

Basically I'm that little kid that's crying in the corner. "Can't everyone just get along?"

But can't we?