Skepticism

Skepticism.

I don't get it.

I'm also a born optimist.

And terribly tenacious when it comes to wanting something that I have no chance of getting.

It seems that sometimes bad experiences make people so jaded that they forget what good there is in the world. (Or they see the world for what it really is. I choose to not believe that is true.)

But my bad experiences haven't done that.

Whether it be friends, family, romantic relationships, horrible world tragedies, abuse, dumb laws like making weed legal in Colorado, whatever, I cannot be skeptical. I can't.

I tried once, for a few days. It was horrible.

Why do people feel that way? Do they choose it? Are they born with a predisposition for skepticism? Is it possible to experience so much that it just occurs, and I'm just sheltered? (The sheltered part isn't a question)

That sounds horrible.

I think it might be the third option. I really do. And I just haven't had enough heartbreak to really be skeptical. But honestly, I can feel it growing.

But it's not skepticism about the existence of love or the goodness of people. It's more like a belief that it's something to do with me- that something about the way I relate to the world makes it impossible for me to have a romantic relationship. Or even a really close friendship. I seem to push people away sometimes. And I'm never the one they go to first with their secrets. Which is sad, because if nothing else, I can listen.

And it's not a self esteem struggle, not really.

Oh well. This post is not about my problems with how I see myself either. But I do wonder if it's part of why I'm not skeptical yet. So many of my experiences with people have ended badly, or have had negative effects on my life. And I wonder if my view that it's something to do with me and not them has contributed to my thoughts that the world is still an essentially good place.

My theory is that insecurity is keeping me from skepticism.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That phrase is suddenly much more meaningful.

Can't I, can't we, deny both of them? Can't we all just be confident and optimistic?

That's what I want most of all, for everyone on this earth. Confidence and optimism. Both, not one or the other. I want an idealistic world. The kind of place where people are kind and loving and everyone supports everyone else, and everybody has a place and can be confident. And there's no unrealistic expectations, and the fact that I wear t shirts and jeans instead of dressing up, and that I keep my hair in braids and ponytails that take maybe two minutes rather than elaborate hairdos that take hours. I want it to be okay that there is no "typical" when it comes to style, hair, or humanity in general.

Basically I'm that little kid that's crying in the corner. "Can't everyone just get along?"

But can't we?