Unappreciated

I was recently told that I'm really really bad at opening up, that they felt unappreciated by me. Looking at myself, I do suppose it might be true. But this same person has recently inspired in me feelings of being trapped and underappreciated myself. As well as having betrayed my trust multiple times before. It was a wonder I was still close to this person, I suppose, but he was- is?- my best friend, and recently more than that but no longer.

What is it to be unappreciated? To feel unwanted, to feel unloved? Or just neglected? I believe it to be any of those and all three, but also to be something else.

Do you ever think that sometimes people expect too much? I do. They want more than you can give, time, money, love. I recently watched an episode of The Mentalist (great show) where a girl killed her sister and framed someone else. This girl, Lindsay if I recall correctly, thought that now the way was open for the man who loved her sister to fall in love with her. Her unrealistic expectations caused a lot of grief and in fact, and most importantly, caused her to feel....take a guess...unappreciated.

Usually it doesn't happen on such a large scale. Sometimes it's just that simple expecting of someone you care about, expecting them to give more than they can, and when they don't live up to that, blaming them for not trying hard enough. Having those expectations can easily make a person feel unappreciated when that could have simply accepted what they were given with joy, realizing that the other did not have to give anything and in some cases shouldn't have.

The unappreciated feelings, however, run rampant on both sides of this equation. What about the person whom these expectations were placed on? Who struggles under the weight of trying to meet them, when their every effort is responded to with "not good enough," what about them? Like a spoiled child thrust into poverty and the mother who tries to feed him, that's how it feels. You give all you can from where you are and are rewarded with temper tantrums, bowls of carefully bought food spilled and scattered because it's "not good enough." To be there feels like taking a hammer to a glass replica of your soul and this person stepping up to say "let me help." And they hammer you to pieces with the weight of your failure to meet their expectations, your inability to give them what they want.

Sometimes though, expectations are realistic. Sometimes the other person isn't trying. The key to knowing, I suppose, is careful evaluation of both people, their efforts and expectations.

Feeling unappreciated is a genuine thing, and it hurts. It doesn't matter which side of it you're on. I know it, having felt it myself. I left because I felt trapped and unappreciated, because I looked at the situation and it was wrong. Even then, it hurts. I gave someone everything and broke myself on their expectations because it wasn't enough. It hurts but it was right, and I don't regret it. Someday it will work out. Someday it will be worth pushing through. I have faith in that.

What I would say to my friends in relationships

You don't want to get into this. It's a mess. What you're doing will lead to heartbreak. And it's your heart that will be broken. I know how you feel, "it'll be fine, they're great people" and they are! But at this time in your life there's so much going on that it likely won't last. At this point, we're just in high school (well I'm almost out. But you're not!) So much is changing, especially people. You are risking your heart and your trust on something and someone that ultimately will change, likely drastically.

Don't you know I've been where you are? I know how it is, how strong the emotions are, as well as the chemicals. I know what you want-I wanted it too.

But to fall in high school also means you'll hit bottom. Hard.

Yeah, we're talking heartbreak. Gut-wrenching pain and ages of regret. You're probably thinking that they'd never do that, but you don't know. They may have never intended to, but that's the scary thing about dating is you either get married or break up, and commitment is not a common trend.

It only is worse if your relationship was also physical to any degree. The easiest heartbreak I had was over a relationship that was mostly internet based. Any kind of touch creates a deeper attachment. It's like a bandaid- ever ripped one of those suckers off? The tighter they are stuck, the more it hurts.

Oh and what if they aren't who you think they are? You think they're honest, caring, but if they're looking for loopholes in your standards then they didn't care about you, not as a person. Perhaps as a body. Or as someone to boost their low self-esteem.

That's the other thing, isn't it-do you care about them or do you care that they care about you? This is a trap I fell for. In high school, there's so much insecurity. (There a song that illustrates) Everyone is growing into themselves and everything is changing. Relationships do seem to offer the illusion of stability at an ever-changing time, and a delusion of self-worth, because your significant other loves you right? What happens when you break up? Just because they're good people does not mean they're confident.

High school relationships are never for the right reasons. Never, ever date someone who you only like because you want them to like you. Never date for insecurity, and please for heaven's sake never date for stability-not happening in high school.

It may be nice to hold their hand for a few months (and maybe other stuff, ew) but the end isn't worth it. Only date when you can care about someone for who they are, and when their feelings do not affect your self-esteem. Only date to prepare for marriage, and only date people you trust. Avoid those who pressure you, who put you down, and who can't be independent.

That means wait til college. Please. It is not worth it, I cannot express how not worth it this is. Stay away from anything more than friendship-that's drama enough.

Sincerely,
Someone who cares