Stuck In My Throat (The Words We Need To Say)

I once heard that the three hardest things to say are "I love you," "I'm sorry," and "help me."

This struck me as quite profound. And true. What other words carry such weight? What other words reveal such vulnerability, so much of what is occurring within our hearts and minds? None at all, except perhaps poetry. And poetry is not so hard. In poetry, we hide behind metaphors. We veil our intentions with words and rhythm, cadences meant at once to reveal and conceal.

Not so with these phrases.

"I love you"

Vulnerability incarnate.

What other words, when said and truly meant, give away so much of what makes us up? What other words, when said, reveal something so raw and fragile? Our hearts are our most carefully protected part, even by anatomy. These words reveal them. They reveal a thousand layers of thoughts and daydreams, of glances sneaked across rooms, and staring when they look the other way. A thousand plans for a future that may or may not be, and a willingness to risk it all on a chance, on saying these words. When it would, could, should be far easier to hold it within yourself, though it threatens to burst. When it's easier to hide and pretend and refuse to speak of it, because of the risk it is to say. Because to be broken by one you've given these words to is the worst breaking of all. Because to break someone you loved is the only pain that can equal it, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Sometimes things get in the way of the daydreams and the glances, and it builds a brick wall. And you shatter your glass heart trying to break it down.

This is why "I love you" is hard to say

"I'm sorry"

Admitting to fault

In a world where perfection is the ultimate ideal, where we airbrush our models, where being right is more important than being kind ofttimes, apologizing is hard to do. To admit we were wrong, to take back words said in anger, actions done in rage. How can we admit to being less than perfect? Less than human?

Even more painful: What will they think of us, apologizing? What do they think of us after what we did? And how will they react? What if they reject us? This is the greatest fear that apology brings: rejection. Being spurned, being treated the way we surely deserve to. We are afraid of receiving justice when we are on our knees pleading for mercy.

Saying these words reveals strength. It reveals that we know our faults and are trying to become better. It reveals us as human. But in this world, being human is not always good. Being imperfect is sometimes scorned.

This is why "I'm sorry" is so hard to say.

"Help me"

Help me.

Help.

I am lost and alone. I am in pain. I am weakened and crying. I am useless right now and need your hand to lift me to my feet. I need your gentle touch and kind words. Please don't leave. Please don't abandon me hopeless on this cold ground, in this desolate, cobwebbed corner where I have sequestered myself with all the shadows in my heart. Do not scorn me, abuse me, criticize me. Please help me.

To say this is to reveal our darkness.

The shadows we hide in corners, in back alleys and forgotten places within our minds. This is what we hide; this is what these words reveal. That we are weak. They show our weakness to someone else, revealing the soft parts of our soul, our Achilles' heels. They show a person where to cut if they wish to cut the deepest, and yet we must trust them not to, because we simply don't have the strength to keep moving on our own. These words reveal nights spent curled up in a ball, sitting on the bathroom floor. Nights of desperate tears and uncontrollable sobs. Days of putting on a mask of playfulness and joy because if they see your broken pieces, will they still love you?

This is why "Help me" is so hard to say.

Rejection

This is what we are afraid of. The deepest fear, the darkest hatred of the human soul is to be shunned, rejected, spurned, hurt. To be given harsh words instead of gentle, to be broken by the ones we love. Why then do we reject others? Why do we not give them the gentle hand we so desire? I am so, so guilty. And trying to improve. Can we all try to say these words, to not reject the outreached hands of those that make themselves vulnerable. Can we be vulnerable? Say the words. Hear them. Speak them to those you trust. Let them see your heart, see the cracks that make you human, and the love that makes you more, see the faults you are fixing. Perhaps it is so hard because there is a trend of hurt in what we see, what we read, what we are exposed to constantly. Every moment passing brings another chance to be hurt or witness another's pain. But it also brings another moment to reach out a kind hand and help them out of their dark places.

These words, when said and accepted, can bind us together stronger than ever before- or tear us apart further than we knew was possible. That is scary.

These things are the hardest to say because we have made them so. And because we are human.

Signal (Pt 2)

I posted before about how trying to guess what people think of you is a pain. But you know what's worse? Mixed signals. (Okay it's kinda the same thing, but I'm gonna rant anyway). Also, clueless people. That's not really something I can be angry about though.

Mixed signals, I could rant about all night.

I can't stand them. This back and forth between how someone treats someone else. This inconstancy, inconsistency, shifting and changing, that bothers me. I'm the kind of person that needs someone to just be open with me, to show what they feel and not be confusing.

This is probably because I'm pretty clueless myself.

Yeah. If you don't practically slap me in the face with it, I probably won't get it. It's a rare occasion, and a very special person, when I do.

Out of my current friend group, I'm one of the people with the most romantic experience, I believe. Which is a major contrast to back home, and totally unnerving, so I tend not to think about it. If I've gained anything from the little experience I've had, it's that I'd always rather know. No matter how horrible it is, I'd rather know. Being kept in the dark stinks a lot. And so mixed signals just kinda mess me up. Because at that point, I don't know. And it's annoying, in a weirdly painful way.

Mixed signals are like secrets, and secrets don't make friends unless your friends know the secrets.

Mixed signals are like driving behind a guy who can't decide what lane to be in and you're trying to pass them. First they signal right, then let, then right, then nothing, then right again, and left, and you just want to scream at them: "Make up your mind!"

So anyway I can't be angry about clueless people, since I am one, but I am annoyed by mixed signals. Please try not to do that. It just hurts everyone involved.

Okay, rant done. Hopefully there's no part three.

Keep your fingers crossed and your signals clear!

Pressurepressurepressure

I wrote a part a while back called Pushing And Strong Tides. It was mostly about peer pressure and a decision I was making. Basically this decision was a very controversial one, in its own way, and was part of a stand I was attempting to take. Yet, in this stand, I had no support from any of my peers. I was literally surrounded by friends and people that I trusted, who pushed and pulled me against what I was trying to stand for. It's like drowning, and being told that you'll breathe just fine, because all your friends are.

Support and empathy are important. If I had known even one person who had spoken out, who had stood up for me and what I wanted, perhaps I would have decided differently. Don't forget that, when you see your friends struggling. My choice led to more heartbreak than was necessary. Because I was pushed. Because to genuinely want something and have to tell yourself no is hard enough, but to have literally everyone around you pushing you to say yes is even harder. Especially when it's the people that were supposed to stand behind you, and support you. It requires so much strength to stand against that, and I wish I'd had that strength, but even more than that, I wish I'd had support.

It should be mentioned that I had adults who stood behind my decision. But if you've been there, you know,  it's the support of your friends that really counts.

I've been guilty in the past of not doing that, of being too critical. It hurt one of my dearest friendships, and it never recovered.

Even if there is disagreement, I have come to believe in constant support. But also in making them aware of your thoughts. Like saying "I don't agree with your course, but I care for you and I will defend you and protect you. I will be there for you." There a great quote, from Rick Warren, that speaks to this, in the last line. He says something I consider to be a great truth. "You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

So please, watch out for your friends. It is incredibly hard, and heartbreaking, to be without a support system from your peers. It is so incredibly important, a great source of strength. Please be that system. Be the one to tell them it's okay to make that decision, to be different. Tell them that no matter what differences there are in what you believe, that you'll always love and care for them. If I had even one person say that, I think my whole summer would have been different. Just one person. Be that person. It makes a huge difference.

And if you find people who are a support system, keep them close! Find as many as you can and don't let them go. Be there for them. Sometimes they need it the most.

It's not always about whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes it's just about being a friend.

PS Special thanks to Jared Moya for most recently being that friend for me

Clouded

Clouded skies and clouded eyes
You cannot see the truth
Shattered heart and no disguise
Would absolutely break you
Innocent gaze, wide open eyes
The world is bright and true
Blackened skies and haunted eyes
Reveal reality to you

But innocent eyes never seem to die
And never vanish from sight
No matter how black, how low the sky
There's always a genuine fight
To believe, to love, dream, and try
To be the best with all your might
That's the truth of the deepest sigh
Is the dream that no longer can fight

See The World

What do you do when you see the world differently?

This has been on my mind a lot recently. Mostly because I'm realizing more and more that I see the world differently than most people around me, in ways that make it easier and harder to interact with them.

Recently I broke up with someone who turned out to be not quite the person I thought they were. They weren't as "good" as I'd pictured them to be. They had darkness that should've pushed me away long ago, but didn't, because of how I saw them, how I see the world, and people in general.

Not as recently, I realized that I really get along with anyone and everyone. I can be friends with everyone, but not always best friends. This also comes from how I see the world. It's both a good thing and a bad thing.

The question lies in, inherently, the way I see people.

When I look at people, meet people, I tend to see the best in them. To see their good side and sometimes even ignore their bad side. This allows me to get along with anyone on a basic level. Good, right?

Yet the same has caused me pain. As a human being, I crave love, affection, trust, given and taken. I crave that deep interaction with people and yet it's rare that I get close enough to someone to trust them that much. I believe it is because of how I see people. As essentially good. Because I ignore their faults when I see my own so clearly. Because I don't give enough.

It also causes trouble because by ignoring faults, I can and have allowed myself to deeply trust people who never should have seen that much of me. That is what happened recently. I ignored all warning signs and let myself get close to someone who ultimately was not as good as I believed.

So what do you do with someone who sees the world this way, as inherently good, pure, innocent? I've had people coddle me. I've had people disillusion me, or try to. Yet nothing has changed.

I see the world at its best. I see the good side of people, until the darker part is too large to ignore. Still, I don't know if I can believe that some of my friends might do drugs. Or look at porn. Or break rules. Or hurt people or hate people or judge them. Or I believe and subsequently ignore it, I'm not sure.

Is it good or bad that I see the way I do? Because though I see it this way, I also see its brokenness. I see the places I would patch, change for the better. I know my ideal world, and I want to bring my dream and reality together. So how can how I see the world be so bad?

But it hurts people too. It hurt someone I cared for deeply. It hurts me, often. More often than perhaps even I realize. So how could it be good? But I do believe it's good. Isn't it the pain that makes us human?

Unappreciated

I was recently told that I'm really really bad at opening up, that they felt unappreciated by me. Looking at myself, I do suppose it might be true. But this same person has recently inspired in me feelings of being trapped and underappreciated myself. As well as having betrayed my trust multiple times before. It was a wonder I was still close to this person, I suppose, but he was- is?- my best friend, and recently more than that but no longer.

What is it to be unappreciated? To feel unwanted, to feel unloved? Or just neglected? I believe it to be any of those and all three, but also to be something else.

Do you ever think that sometimes people expect too much? I do. They want more than you can give, time, money, love. I recently watched an episode of The Mentalist (great show) where a girl killed her sister and framed someone else. This girl, Lindsay if I recall correctly, thought that now the way was open for the man who loved her sister to fall in love with her. Her unrealistic expectations caused a lot of grief and in fact, and most importantly, caused her to feel....take a guess...unappreciated.

Usually it doesn't happen on such a large scale. Sometimes it's just that simple expecting of someone you care about, expecting them to give more than they can, and when they don't live up to that, blaming them for not trying hard enough. Having those expectations can easily make a person feel unappreciated when that could have simply accepted what they were given with joy, realizing that the other did not have to give anything and in some cases shouldn't have.

The unappreciated feelings, however, run rampant on both sides of this equation. What about the person whom these expectations were placed on? Who struggles under the weight of trying to meet them, when their every effort is responded to with "not good enough," what about them? Like a spoiled child thrust into poverty and the mother who tries to feed him, that's how it feels. You give all you can from where you are and are rewarded with temper tantrums, bowls of carefully bought food spilled and scattered because it's "not good enough." To be there feels like taking a hammer to a glass replica of your soul and this person stepping up to say "let me help." And they hammer you to pieces with the weight of your failure to meet their expectations, your inability to give them what they want.

Sometimes though, expectations are realistic. Sometimes the other person isn't trying. The key to knowing, I suppose, is careful evaluation of both people, their efforts and expectations.

Feeling unappreciated is a genuine thing, and it hurts. It doesn't matter which side of it you're on. I know it, having felt it myself. I left because I felt trapped and unappreciated, because I looked at the situation and it was wrong. Even then, it hurts. I gave someone everything and broke myself on their expectations because it wasn't enough. It hurts but it was right, and I don't regret it. Someday it will work out. Someday it will be worth pushing through. I have faith in that.

I Paint My Toenails Red

I paint my toenails red

On days when my life falls apart

Carefully and neatly

At least, this is in order

Outwardly, an expression

I have it together

Inwardly, an explosion

I know nothing at all

My red toenails line up in a row

Ten little soldiers marching off to war

The war is really in my mind

The heart and the mind meeting on the field of battle

But my toenails are red

I struggle with chaos and pressure

The world beating me into a pulp

I try to find a way, the way

I know most of it but the details are lost to darkness

It's the details I struggle with

It's my heart that is hurting

It's blood colors my emotions

At least my toenails are red

Today, it's changing

I'm locking my door to pressure

I'll decide when I'm ready

Today I'm growing up and pushing back 

I will decide for me

And not because it's what I'm told

This will lead me on my own path

And someday, when I can see the details

Someday I'll stop painting my toenails red

What I would say to my friends in relationships

You don't want to get into this. It's a mess. What you're doing will lead to heartbreak. And it's your heart that will be broken. I know how you feel, "it'll be fine, they're great people" and they are! But at this time in your life there's so much going on that it likely won't last. At this point, we're just in high school (well I'm almost out. But you're not!) So much is changing, especially people. You are risking your heart and your trust on something and someone that ultimately will change, likely drastically.

Don't you know I've been where you are? I know how it is, how strong the emotions are, as well as the chemicals. I know what you want-I wanted it too.

But to fall in high school also means you'll hit bottom. Hard.

Yeah, we're talking heartbreak. Gut-wrenching pain and ages of regret. You're probably thinking that they'd never do that, but you don't know. They may have never intended to, but that's the scary thing about dating is you either get married or break up, and commitment is not a common trend.

It only is worse if your relationship was also physical to any degree. The easiest heartbreak I had was over a relationship that was mostly internet based. Any kind of touch creates a deeper attachment. It's like a bandaid- ever ripped one of those suckers off? The tighter they are stuck, the more it hurts.

Oh and what if they aren't who you think they are? You think they're honest, caring, but if they're looking for loopholes in your standards then they didn't care about you, not as a person. Perhaps as a body. Or as someone to boost their low self-esteem.

That's the other thing, isn't it-do you care about them or do you care that they care about you? This is a trap I fell for. In high school, there's so much insecurity. (There a song that illustrates) Everyone is growing into themselves and everything is changing. Relationships do seem to offer the illusion of stability at an ever-changing time, and a delusion of self-worth, because your significant other loves you right? What happens when you break up? Just because they're good people does not mean they're confident.

High school relationships are never for the right reasons. Never, ever date someone who you only like because you want them to like you. Never date for insecurity, and please for heaven's sake never date for stability-not happening in high school.

It may be nice to hold their hand for a few months (and maybe other stuff, ew) but the end isn't worth it. Only date when you can care about someone for who they are, and when their feelings do not affect your self-esteem. Only date to prepare for marriage, and only date people you trust. Avoid those who pressure you, who put you down, and who can't be independent.

That means wait til college. Please. It is not worth it, I cannot express how not worth it this is. Stay away from anything more than friendship-that's drama enough.

Sincerely,
Someone who cares