Tuesday

I love the early morning mountains
Swathed in heaven's foam
The silver sky gleaming overheard
And all is quiet
There is peace

I love those white mists
Creeping down the mountainside
It's a rainy Utah morning here
And all is quiet
I am at peace

I don't quite love waking up
Before the sun has blinked its eye
But I love to watch it come to life
And all is quiet
The sunrise is at peace

I don't quite love the walking
Up stairs, up hills, to class
I'm out of breath and early
And all is quiet
The classroom is at peace

Tuesday mornings are usually good
Especially in the rain
With the clouds so close you could breathe them in
And all is quiet
The morning is at peace

Dinner and Board Games

I made dinner for seven the other night, and another of my friends made cake. We'd intended to go watch the football game but ended up sitting in my living room playing Shadow Hunters. My friend Heather managed to get these pictures!

Waiting For A Hero

This song has basically taken over my mind. It fits me and who I am. It fits my desire and dreams. It fits my voice and personality. It's that sense of waiting for something more, knowing there's something better for you out there and that someday you'll reach it, just not today. That's me. Waiting for my Superman. So go watch the video and listen to it. Maybe it'll fit you too.

PS I know the pic is Colin Morgan as Merlin, but it's the emotion of the picture that really fits. Also, I really love Merlin. That is all.

Friends Are On My Mind

A friend is a special thing.

A friend does not judge. A friend does not use harsh words. A friend is a listening ear. A friend is a crying shoulder. A friend is constant. A friend does not just walk away. A friend makes the effort. A friend empathizes. A friend sympathizes. A friend is gentle. A friend is kind. A friend is true.

I want to be a friend. A true friend. I will not judge or be harsh. I will listen and love. I will not give up. I will understand, or at least sympathize. I will be present. I will be true. I will support, despite my own beliefs- but I will make my beliefs known. I will not act contrary to my beliefs but I will stand by your side.

I want friends as well. True friends. Friends who are gentle with me. Who understand when I'm worn out. Friends who love me even when I'm being dumb.  Friends who listen and understand. Friends who won't leave or break my heart. Friends who are kind. I've found a few. And I'll keep searching my whole life long. Because if anyone will ever hold my heart, it's a friend like this.

I suppose friends are on my mind because of all the stuff that's been going on lately. One of my best friends from back home is under a lot of stress and so much crazy stuff has been happening and I've been supporting him through it. It never ceases to amaze me (and not in a good way) when he is unsure whether I'll stick around. I'm not going anywhere- that's not what friends do. Friends stick together, especially in the hard times.

I also have a newer friend who is almost a personality clone of my friend back home. He confided some things in me recently, and seemed shocked when I stuck around and tried to help him through it, rather than running away and refusing to be friends with him. I also have told him some things that not many people know, and it seems weird to me that he's still a good friend as well.

Doors this bother anyone else???

This is what's been on my mind.

What does friendship mean when betrayal and loss are all you expect? What does friendship mean when it's a surprise when someone sticks around through the hard stuff? What's the point if we only expect pain?

Why do we only expect pain? What's happened to us?

We've been betrayed, of course. We've been broken.

Why do people act that way?

It's sad.

A dream of mine that is rather impractical is that everyone gets along. No matter that they're different. Everyone is friends and supports one another. Leaving is the exception, not the rule.

I was thanked recently for being a good friend. Truth be told, I wish that what I'd done could be normal, taken for granted. All I did was keep on being a friend, even through storms and rough patches and sadness and some pretty bad things. All I did was to not leave. Why is that so extraordinary?

It shouldn't be. And that's what's on my mind.

Do You Know Who I Am?

Ever feel like nobody really "sees" you? Like they don't realize who you really are, with all the flaws and quirks and traits that make you who you are. There's a whole person in this head, you say, but you only know a tiny part. Nobody knows all of me, you say.

I wonder, though, if it's possible for anyone but God to truly and completely know a person? Can you really know everything about anyone?

Will nobody ever really see me for who I am but God?

I do think it's true that you can never completely understand someone the way that they can understand themselves, because you can't get in their head. But you can know a whole lot, like what they look like in the morning with their hair mussed from sleep and eyes half closed. You can know how they react to things they love and things they hate, their face when they taste something good. You can know the way their eyes light up when they're in love. That and more.

And I think that it's enough. They may never see you the way you can see you, but they can see a lot. They can accept what they don't know, and love you just the same. They can handle all your funny quirks and love the things you do when you think no one is watching, like sing or dance, or smile fully. And that's enough.

They can see you, in the end, at least the parts that really matter. And that is good enough.

Growing Up

You know that feeling when you're young, and you like someone but they like someone else, and all of a sudden you just can't feel good about yourself? Like you're not worth anything if they don't like you. And all your insecurities surface at once, because they're the reason he doesn't like you. And suddenly you can't see any good in yourself. It's this crushing feeling, very dark and painful, and it's really hard to get rid of.

I used to get that. Every time, crippling and overwhelming, I'd get that feeling.

Not anymore.

Actually I hadn't realized it had stopped until last night. I was talking to a friend about who I was currently crushing on- he was trying to guess. The person in question does like someone else, and that girl is amazing. She's my friend, she's nice and gorgeous, and they fit really well together. And while talking about that with my friend, I realized it wasn't affecting my self confidence at all. I didn't feel insecure, I didn't feel hurt or offended, and it was a great feeling. Of course I was a little sad. I mean, I like this guy a lot, and we're friends, and we get along fairly well. But it didn't affect how I saw myself to know he didn't like me that way.

Thank goodness.

Growing up can be really great.

First Days at BYU!

Well it's a lot more exhausting than I thought! After the first day, I was trying to spend time with my roommates and fell asleep in the University Villa lounge! My cousin captured the lovely image below...totally crashed. There's so much walking! And it's still kinda summer so it gets really hot every day-not the best combo! It's been loads of fun though. Been spending a lot of time with friends, and planning fun things, like dinner and volleyball games, and jobs. It's very busy and exhausting but totally worth it! Go Cougars!