Pushing and Strong Tides

Lately I've been facing down a rather big issue in my life. I won't name it but suffice it to say that it could change the course of my summer. It also, I think, is at the core of me deciding who I want to be.

I think in the end, it comes down to, am I cautious or reckless? Can I take a risk and do something likely entirely pointless? Or will I pull away, pull back into my walls that I built to keep the recklessness out? Either side has its pros and cons, and neither one of them feels totally wrong or right. And no matter which course I take, someone I love will be hurt in one way or another.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the tides that this issue brings up. From both sides of the issue, I have been pushed and shoved and battered around by those who mean most to me, those who know how to use my emotions against me to influence my course of action. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to decide anything, where I want to just leave, go somewhere far away, and forget it ever existed. But I can't do that because I'd leave my heart behind.

Isn't it funny, in this fast paced world, how we're never given time to think? Most of this shoving has taken place over the last two-three day period. It's been "make a decision now, decide, go quick!" Yesterday, I was shoved into action and I do believe that because of that, I acted too hastily. I was not given time to put my thoughts in order and decide for myself. I've been trying to pull back, to figure it out and consider for myself what I might do. I've been trying to take time, moments to think of ways I could act, and of what either path would mean for me. Hopefully I didn't alienate any of my options by my hasty actions. I don't believe I have.

I am still being pushed as I move around. But I have tried, this time, again and again, to say that I will not commit until I can be totally behind it. I will not commit to a course until I know where it will go and what it could do, and my mind agrees to it. I will not commit aloud until I am committed in my head. I plan on taking as much time as I need- a day, a week- until it begins to make sense.

Already this morning there have been numerous quiet moments that allowed me to think about the issue. Already a picture is beginning to form. But I am only coming to understand my options, and haven't decided yet. Hopefully it will come soon, for if it doesn't the pressure will return and I'm  afraid these strong tides will pull my little ship under and drown any chance I have of learning to sail on my own.

Moral of the story, I suppose, is not to pressure people into decisions when they are not ready to make them. I do believe that, no matter which way I choose, if my decision is because I was pressured into it, then I will regret it. I will pull away and take the time and space and actions that I need to make a decision that is entirely my own.