Pressurepressurepressure

I wrote a part a while back called Pushing And Strong Tides. It was mostly about peer pressure and a decision I was making. Basically this decision was a very controversial one, in its own way, and was part of a stand I was attempting to take. Yet, in this stand, I had no support from any of my peers. I was literally surrounded by friends and people that I trusted, who pushed and pulled me against what I was trying to stand for. It's like drowning, and being told that you'll breathe just fine, because all your friends are.

Support and empathy are important. If I had known even one person who had spoken out, who had stood up for me and what I wanted, perhaps I would have decided differently. Don't forget that, when you see your friends struggling. My choice led to more heartbreak than was necessary. Because I was pushed. Because to genuinely want something and have to tell yourself no is hard enough, but to have literally everyone around you pushing you to say yes is even harder. Especially when it's the people that were supposed to stand behind you, and support you. It requires so much strength to stand against that, and I wish I'd had that strength, but even more than that, I wish I'd had support.

It should be mentioned that I had adults who stood behind my decision. But if you've been there, you know,  it's the support of your friends that really counts.

I've been guilty in the past of not doing that, of being too critical. It hurt one of my dearest friendships, and it never recovered.

Even if there is disagreement, I have come to believe in constant support. But also in making them aware of your thoughts. Like saying "I don't agree with your course, but I care for you and I will defend you and protect you. I will be there for you." There a great quote, from Rick Warren, that speaks to this, in the last line. He says something I consider to be a great truth. "You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

So please, watch out for your friends. It is incredibly hard, and heartbreaking, to be without a support system from your peers. It is so incredibly important, a great source of strength. Please be that system. Be the one to tell them it's okay to make that decision, to be different. Tell them that no matter what differences there are in what you believe, that you'll always love and care for them. If I had even one person say that, I think my whole summer would have been different. Just one person. Be that person. It makes a huge difference.

And if you find people who are a support system, keep them close! Find as many as you can and don't let them go. Be there for them. Sometimes they need it the most.

It's not always about whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes it's just about being a friend.

PS Special thanks to Jared Moya for most recently being that friend for me

I Paint My Toenails Red

I paint my toenails red

On days when my life falls apart

Carefully and neatly

At least, this is in order

Outwardly, an expression

I have it together

Inwardly, an explosion

I know nothing at all

My red toenails line up in a row

Ten little soldiers marching off to war

The war is really in my mind

The heart and the mind meeting on the field of battle

But my toenails are red

I struggle with chaos and pressure

The world beating me into a pulp

I try to find a way, the way

I know most of it but the details are lost to darkness

It's the details I struggle with

It's my heart that is hurting

It's blood colors my emotions

At least my toenails are red

Today, it's changing

I'm locking my door to pressure

I'll decide when I'm ready

Today I'm growing up and pushing back 

I will decide for me

And not because it's what I'm told

This will lead me on my own path

And someday, when I can see the details

Someday I'll stop painting my toenails red

Pushing and Strong Tides

Lately I've been facing down a rather big issue in my life. I won't name it but suffice it to say that it could change the course of my summer. It also, I think, is at the core of me deciding who I want to be.

I think in the end, it comes down to, am I cautious or reckless? Can I take a risk and do something likely entirely pointless? Or will I pull away, pull back into my walls that I built to keep the recklessness out? Either side has its pros and cons, and neither one of them feels totally wrong or right. And no matter which course I take, someone I love will be hurt in one way or another.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the tides that this issue brings up. From both sides of the issue, I have been pushed and shoved and battered around by those who mean most to me, those who know how to use my emotions against me to influence my course of action. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to decide anything, where I want to just leave, go somewhere far away, and forget it ever existed. But I can't do that because I'd leave my heart behind.

Isn't it funny, in this fast paced world, how we're never given time to think? Most of this shoving has taken place over the last two-three day period. It's been "make a decision now, decide, go quick!" Yesterday, I was shoved into action and I do believe that because of that, I acted too hastily. I was not given time to put my thoughts in order and decide for myself. I've been trying to pull back, to figure it out and consider for myself what I might do. I've been trying to take time, moments to think of ways I could act, and of what either path would mean for me. Hopefully I didn't alienate any of my options by my hasty actions. I don't believe I have.

I am still being pushed as I move around. But I have tried, this time, again and again, to say that I will not commit until I can be totally behind it. I will not commit to a course until I know where it will go and what it could do, and my mind agrees to it. I will not commit aloud until I am committed in my head. I plan on taking as much time as I need- a day, a week- until it begins to make sense.

Already this morning there have been numerous quiet moments that allowed me to think about the issue. Already a picture is beginning to form. But I am only coming to understand my options, and haven't decided yet. Hopefully it will come soon, for if it doesn't the pressure will return and I'm  afraid these strong tides will pull my little ship under and drown any chance I have of learning to sail on my own.

Moral of the story, I suppose, is not to pressure people into decisions when they are not ready to make them. I do believe that, no matter which way I choose, if my decision is because I was pressured into it, then I will regret it. I will pull away and take the time and space and actions that I need to make a decision that is entirely my own.

"But everyone does it"

Last night, I drove three of my friends home after rehearsal, just being nice. It was late at night, and my car is a super old stick shift that I'm not totally expert at driving. Today, my friends, including one who wasn't even present, were giving me a hard time about my driving, and I got a little upset. I mean, sure I am actually not an expert but I'm not that bad. And I was doing them a service, driving them when I could be sleeping at home.

When I got upset, my friends just said "Calm down, it's not a big deal, everyone does it/we do it to everyone" (referring to the hard time they were giving me). What about everyone doing it makes it right? What if I'm not everyone? Excuse me for thinking you'd be civil to your (apparently) taxi service! My final thought was this:

Just because everyone is doing it doesn't make it right

Giving people a hard time can have a big effect-if this had happened a year ago, I may never have gained the self-esteem I have now, and what I have is still a little fragile. Giving me a hard time could have pushed me deeper into depression.

Not to mention it's annoying. And what about it is good natured or friendly? "I'm your friend, let me tell you that you suck at something," oh joy, just what I always wanted. The friendship and care are just oozing out of that, aren't they? And then to be told that it's okay because everyone does it....

No wonder I don't trust very many people. It's hard to make friends, isn't it, when they give everyone a hard time. When are they serious, when are they joking? Contrary to popular belief, it's not easy to tell when they're joking, and it hurts anyway.

Often the group mind is wrong- just because everyone does it doesn't make it okay, or helpful, or kind. Be careful of following the crowd.