I Paint My Toenails Red

I paint my toenails red

On days when my life falls apart

Carefully and neatly

At least, this is in order

Outwardly, an expression

I have it together

Inwardly, an explosion

I know nothing at all

My red toenails line up in a row

Ten little soldiers marching off to war

The war is really in my mind

The heart and the mind meeting on the field of battle

But my toenails are red

I struggle with chaos and pressure

The world beating me into a pulp

I try to find a way, the way

I know most of it but the details are lost to darkness

It's the details I struggle with

It's my heart that is hurting

It's blood colors my emotions

At least my toenails are red

Today, it's changing

I'm locking my door to pressure

I'll decide when I'm ready

Today I'm growing up and pushing back 

I will decide for me

And not because it's what I'm told

This will lead me on my own path

And someday, when I can see the details

Someday I'll stop painting my toenails red