Me, Perfect? Nah

Recently I read The Disease Called "Perfection" by Dan Pearce. Lately I have been struggling with a decision, as you may know, and even more recently I've been wondering how to face up to the choice that I made. I don't regret my choice, I thought, but what do I do if it was the wrong one? I already know my dad will be mad, my friends may think me crazy, but then I read this piece. And if you haven't yet, please do.

To me, what this said to me was that I'm worrying too much about what other people think about the path I'm following rather than simply following it and doing the best that I can. I'm worrying a lot about what other people will say rather than what I believe is the path I need to take.

As I'm writing this, my family is watching Frozen. "Conceal, don't feel," right? Not anymore.

I thought about this, combined with Dan's article, and couldn't help but look back on my life and see how much I've done that. I've become whatever I needed to be so people would like me. So I could be "perfect." I've agreed out loud when I really don't. I've hidden away my thoughts because they'd displease others. I've thought the right thoughts, said the right words, and acted the right way. And It's been a good life...mostly. It's only recently I've begun to break free, in my own way. I've started- gasp!- disagreeing with people. And It didn't cause me any loss of those I hold dear. I've started to follow my path the way I believe I should, the way of no (or at least fewer) regrets.

Life is even better than before.

I still hold true to my beliefs. I still do not participate in things I believe to be wrong. Lots of things in my life will not change. But the parts of me that belong only to me, my personality, certain of my life choices, the way I choose to be, all of these are breaking free of the "perfection" I've lived in, at least I hope so.

I'm trying to embrace my faults, my mistakes, and live and learn. I'm trying to move on from what I've done, ignore how I appear to others. I will choose how to live because of me, and not because of others, not because they told me so, or because they'll like me or approve. Not that I will make decisions so that people will disapprove, but that their approval will no longer be a deciding factor, or even a factor at all, if I can make it so.

I'm trying to, you might say, "Let it Go."

I love that song. That is what I'm trying to do. To not care "what they're going to say." To do it because of me and not them.

It will be hard. So hard. These are habits I have cultivated for nearly eighteen years (or less I suppose, not counting when I was too young to really understand). I can't imagine what it would be like to wait longer.

As it is, this will take a long time. I'm not even sure where to start. Though I'm at the perfect place in my life to start this- getting ready to go away to college, somewhere to start afresh, right?

But honestly, what kind of life is a perfect one? What kind of person, the kind that someone can really care for, is "perfect?" It is imperfection that draws us, because we recognize something that we see in ourselves. And I want to be me, not some fancy painted-on version, whether that be literal makeup or the metaphorical kind. I don't want to be blemish free. Not anymore.

Our scars make us. And my heart's got a few.

Me, perfect? Nah.