Confusion and Being Human

I am confused by people in the best and worst sort of way
I am confused when they disappear for many a day after day
And I am confused by their friendship sometimes; why do they want to be
Friends with someone so confused and absolutely baffled as me?
I'm confused by birthdays, whether we all forget or remember
I am confused by what to do the entire month of December
The bafflement that follows a single kindly deed
The sadness that follows when I don't know what they need
I am confused by people, in a new manner every day
And the best part is I wouldn't want it any other way

Humanity

We keep trying against all odds
Because sometimes we succeed
Because to give in to failure would be to die
We try again and again
Because without this desperate effort
Without hope
We are but beasts, animals, or corpses
We cannot stop if we wish to be truly human
If you're alive, keep fighting
This battle can be won

Candid

Candid photos are the best
They reveal the soul behind the face
They capture when your eyes light up
There nothing that can replace
Your smile when nobody is watching
The expression in your eyes
Your manner when you're talking
Not your photograph-disguise
Fake smiles on bright faces
And it's oh so rare
That a posed-for photo
Can capture what's really there

Me, Perfect? Nah

Recently I read The Disease Called "Perfection" by Dan Pearce. Lately I have been struggling with a decision, as you may know, and even more recently I've been wondering how to face up to the choice that I made. I don't regret my choice, I thought, but what do I do if it was the wrong one? I already know my dad will be mad, my friends may think me crazy, but then I read this piece. And if you haven't yet, please do.

To me, what this said to me was that I'm worrying too much about what other people think about the path I'm following rather than simply following it and doing the best that I can. I'm worrying a lot about what other people will say rather than what I believe is the path I need to take.

As I'm writing this, my family is watching Frozen. "Conceal, don't feel," right? Not anymore.

I thought about this, combined with Dan's article, and couldn't help but look back on my life and see how much I've done that. I've become whatever I needed to be so people would like me. So I could be "perfect." I've agreed out loud when I really don't. I've hidden away my thoughts because they'd displease others. I've thought the right thoughts, said the right words, and acted the right way. And It's been a good life...mostly. It's only recently I've begun to break free, in my own way. I've started- gasp!- disagreeing with people. And It didn't cause me any loss of those I hold dear. I've started to follow my path the way I believe I should, the way of no (or at least fewer) regrets.

Life is even better than before.

I still hold true to my beliefs. I still do not participate in things I believe to be wrong. Lots of things in my life will not change. But the parts of me that belong only to me, my personality, certain of my life choices, the way I choose to be, all of these are breaking free of the "perfection" I've lived in, at least I hope so.

I'm trying to embrace my faults, my mistakes, and live and learn. I'm trying to move on from what I've done, ignore how I appear to others. I will choose how to live because of me, and not because of others, not because they told me so, or because they'll like me or approve. Not that I will make decisions so that people will disapprove, but that their approval will no longer be a deciding factor, or even a factor at all, if I can make it so.

I'm trying to, you might say, "Let it Go."

I love that song. That is what I'm trying to do. To not care "what they're going to say." To do it because of me and not them.

It will be hard. So hard. These are habits I have cultivated for nearly eighteen years (or less I suppose, not counting when I was too young to really understand). I can't imagine what it would be like to wait longer.

As it is, this will take a long time. I'm not even sure where to start. Though I'm at the perfect place in my life to start this- getting ready to go away to college, somewhere to start afresh, right?

But honestly, what kind of life is a perfect one? What kind of person, the kind that someone can really care for, is "perfect?" It is imperfection that draws us, because we recognize something that we see in ourselves. And I want to be me, not some fancy painted-on version, whether that be literal makeup or the metaphorical kind. I don't want to be blemish free. Not anymore.

Our scars make us. And my heart's got a few.

Me, perfect? Nah.

Age of the Heart Growing Up

I'm not at all qualified to say any of this, and I know it. But I think I'll say it anyway, if only to see if I may be right! I'd definitely appreciate a comment one way or the other :)

What age do hearts truly grow up and make that leap between immature and mature, between loving for your benefit, and loving for theirs? For me, it was junior year. The one I fell for first (previously referred to as February) was younger, but definitely an incredible person. However, there was no benefit to me from falling for him. He never reciprocated my feelings beyond that of a friend. To this day, I believe he is in love with one of my best friends, who in turn has a boyfriend. What a mess we all are, huh?

The point is, that was the time that I first truly cared for someone like that beyond for what I thought they could give me. It doesn't mean I was immune to that previous, immature feeling (see August) but it does mean I'd made that leap, and I discovered what it felt like to really love someone. (As I don't think he reads this blog, I feel comfortable posting it. Maybe he'll see it someday and figure it out, maybe he won't).

As I've talked to many of my friends (which are oddly mostly of the male variety) I've seen a pattern. Around the age at which they can drive (16-17) is about the age that the heart seems to make that leap. I'd like to talk to more of them about it, but truly, how awkward would that be? "Hey, what's up? Um, you wanna tell me about the time you first fell in love?" I think for some of my female friends it may have been a little bit younger, but the majority seem to be about the same time. Junior year.

Anyway, I'm not qualified to make any assumptions at all, and I'd love to hear from some other people! Especially stories, if you're comfortable. The stories are always the best part. What age did you first fall in love?

Beauty

I feel beautiful when I'm alone

Or home

Home being a place with the people that do not make me feel ugly

And by their refusal to acknowledge my ugliness

They make me think I must in some way be beautiful

I feel beautiful

When I'm not thinking about it

And then I am, suddenly, in full realization of the beauty I am a part of

It is not marred and I am in it, so I must be, have to be, somewhat beautiful

I feel beautiful when I read

The pages opening worlds to me

This is my magic, and magic is beautiful, so I must be beautiful

I feel beautiful when I see his eyes

When he looks at me in a way that makes me feel like he sees my soul

In the way of another who is beautiful

I feel beautiful when I look for other's beauty

Inevitably found in their eyes

They glow with a depth that cannot be foreign to me

Because I am like them

With eyes bright like flames or stars

Humanity is beautiful

I am human

So I am beautiful