Unsaid Questions

It could, perhaps, be seen as strange, that I possess in my mind a wealth of questions for someone I haven't yet met.

It could, perhaps, be viewed as odd, that I've planned out how to ask them.

They are questions for a future far distant, that should not yet be even crossing my mind! Or should it? Years in advance, and I know the questions that I will ask.

They are slightly prying, perhaps, and that is why they must wait in the confines of my mind. They are not light, and that is why on certain nights they sit heavily upon the shoulders of my soul. The truth is, I want to know what makes you tick. Why you think what you do, what you think of yourself, what your first reaction to anything is. What's on your mind when nothing else presents itself- what do you keep coming back to? They may not be asked aloud, as a typical question would be, but rather with actions. With behavior and interest. But they will be asked.

It could be seen as quite abnormal, for me to think about this at this time. After all, I will not ask them for years yet, and perhaps not learn the answers for longer. My queries will be simply that for time beyond this moment, and yet they cross my mind again and again as I stay up late, as I remain awake to write, to speak, to hear. It crosses my mind that I don't know you yet, that I wonder what you are doing at the exact second that I pen these words. Where are you in existence, and when will we meet. Who will you be?

You could be anyone

For there is no "one" that these questions belong to, but rather a thousand potential ones surrounding me.

These questions will go unsaid for many years, but they are on my mind tonight.

A Memoir In Fiction

She had a habit of rubbing her left ring finger with its corresponding thumb. It happened whenever she became stressed or nervous, or at all flustered. Why, she was unable to say, though her friends postulated that it calmed her, that by it, she looked to the future, and understood that "this too shall pass."

Dreaming In Your Eyes

Baby I love the dreaming in your eyes

Your unrestrained laugh and your unseen smile

The way that you look when you think no one can see

The way that you laugh when you're joking with me

It's the future that I'm seeing here tonight

It's the future that I'm dreaming could be right

And I know there's a time that's yet to be set

But as for right now, I don't know you yet

I'm like Michael Buble, singing what's to come

I can't wait to find you and hear about where you're from

These little things that you'll do to catch my eye

They'll make it impossible for you to pass me by

Baby I'll love the dreaming in your eyes

Your unrestrained laugh and the love in your smile

The look in your bright eyes when they meet mine

The way that your mind and your soul are so fine

I'll love giving you surprises that make you feel loved

And planning fun parties just so you can come

Seeing your face on the pillow next to me

The sweet sound of children acting crazy

But as for now, I'll just sit and wait

It won't be coincidence or fate

Yet someday I'll meet you and it will be true

I'll know I want forever to be with you 

PAD Day 15

The Sun Will Rise

Can you be down-to-earth solid and still a dreamer?

Can you know pain and heartache and still work to find love?

That's what I want to know.

Is it possible to be broken but healing, hurt but not skeptical?

I hope so. Because the brightest future I can imagine includes all of these things. The future I want includes a family and all the accompanying difficulties. It includes falling in love, and having children, whether biologically or through adoption. And if I let myself become dark, become broken and skeptical and not optimistic, I'll lose that dream. And I'll go back to a place I don't want to go to.

I've got some stuff in my past. Nothing near as crazy as some people. I have been a hypocrite, a liar, depressed, and prideful. I have been innocent and not-so-innocent. I have wanted the wrong things and ignored the Spirit. I have been bullheaded and stupid, and weak. I have given in to peer pressure, hurt, and blamed. I'm not the best person. And that scares me, to think that I was (and am) like that sometimes, and that I could slip back into it.

But I can become better. That's the best gift God can give me- I don't always have to be that girl. I don't have to be trapped in darkness and pride and pain.

So I have made a vow, and I make it every day. To keep smiling, to keep looking up. To dream of better things to come. Because we all can find love that doesn't die, because it's worth keeping alive. I believe that- I have to believe that. We all can find joy. I can become a better person than I am today. I can be more caring, more discerning, less caught up in my own head. I will not be lost on this path. And I will walk forward believing in good things to come, and working my way there. Down-to-earth and working towards a dream.

No matter how incredibly difficult it is.

Life gets brighter the further you get down the road, I think. Though it might be harder, it is brighter.

We all can find a brighter future.

My Home

I want a home where my children will never doubt that Mommy loves Daddy

A home where even when things are going wrong, they can be fixed

A home where things do get fixed

A home where nobody is ever too broken

A home where everyone can feel safe

A home where everyone can grow and laugh and have joy

A home where it's okay to be sad

A home where it's okay to be happy, too

I want a home with God at its center

A home where prayer and scripture study always happen

A home where we turn to Him with our troubles and hurt

I want an eternal home

And I will strive to gain it

Love and Dreams

My deepest desire is to be a mother.

Perhaps this is from being raised in the LDS Church. But it's just a part of who I am as well.

I am both a person who loves to spend time around children, and a hopeless romantic, which means I'll end up as one of two things, and I'm not insane, so it's gotta be a mother.

Haha. Not funny I suppose. I try to be funny.

It's my dream to one day meet someone that fits with me. Somebody gentle. Someone I could be with forever. I want to settle down, have a family. Stay at home and be a mother. Be an author out of my house. Someday travel the world with my loved ones.

That is my dream.

My dream is, essentially, love.

To love and be loved.  To give the ultimate gift of my body and soul for my children. To gain stretch marks and memories. That's my dream.

Every Man's Estimation

What's this about?
Who are you and what's your purpose?
Such difficult questions for one so young
What's life all about?
It's about dreaming
It's about getting up after being knocked down again
It's about believing you matter because you do
Because every man's estimation is measured
In the eyes of himself
It's about loving when you're not
And being honest with yourself
Because who you are is not some piece of paper
And it couldn't fit on a million pieces of paper
Because how would you describe the feelings in a person's heart?
You are too complex for words
It's about understanding yourself without needing words
It's about finding that inner strength we call the soul
It's about saying "I won't quit"
It's about being you despite many voices telling you otherwise
And in the end, it's about me
What you do for me
And who you choose to be to make me love you
Sincerely,
The Future

Me, Perfect? Nah

Recently I read The Disease Called "Perfection" by Dan Pearce. Lately I have been struggling with a decision, as you may know, and even more recently I've been wondering how to face up to the choice that I made. I don't regret my choice, I thought, but what do I do if it was the wrong one? I already know my dad will be mad, my friends may think me crazy, but then I read this piece. And if you haven't yet, please do.

To me, what this said to me was that I'm worrying too much about what other people think about the path I'm following rather than simply following it and doing the best that I can. I'm worrying a lot about what other people will say rather than what I believe is the path I need to take.

As I'm writing this, my family is watching Frozen. "Conceal, don't feel," right? Not anymore.

I thought about this, combined with Dan's article, and couldn't help but look back on my life and see how much I've done that. I've become whatever I needed to be so people would like me. So I could be "perfect." I've agreed out loud when I really don't. I've hidden away my thoughts because they'd displease others. I've thought the right thoughts, said the right words, and acted the right way. And It's been a good life...mostly. It's only recently I've begun to break free, in my own way. I've started- gasp!- disagreeing with people. And It didn't cause me any loss of those I hold dear. I've started to follow my path the way I believe I should, the way of no (or at least fewer) regrets.

Life is even better than before.

I still hold true to my beliefs. I still do not participate in things I believe to be wrong. Lots of things in my life will not change. But the parts of me that belong only to me, my personality, certain of my life choices, the way I choose to be, all of these are breaking free of the "perfection" I've lived in, at least I hope so.

I'm trying to embrace my faults, my mistakes, and live and learn. I'm trying to move on from what I've done, ignore how I appear to others. I will choose how to live because of me, and not because of others, not because they told me so, or because they'll like me or approve. Not that I will make decisions so that people will disapprove, but that their approval will no longer be a deciding factor, or even a factor at all, if I can make it so.

I'm trying to, you might say, "Let it Go."

I love that song. That is what I'm trying to do. To not care "what they're going to say." To do it because of me and not them.

It will be hard. So hard. These are habits I have cultivated for nearly eighteen years (or less I suppose, not counting when I was too young to really understand). I can't imagine what it would be like to wait longer.

As it is, this will take a long time. I'm not even sure where to start. Though I'm at the perfect place in my life to start this- getting ready to go away to college, somewhere to start afresh, right?

But honestly, what kind of life is a perfect one? What kind of person, the kind that someone can really care for, is "perfect?" It is imperfection that draws us, because we recognize something that we see in ourselves. And I want to be me, not some fancy painted-on version, whether that be literal makeup or the metaphorical kind. I don't want to be blemish free. Not anymore.

Our scars make us. And my heart's got a few.

Me, perfect? Nah.

I Paint My Toenails Red

I paint my toenails red

On days when my life falls apart

Carefully and neatly

At least, this is in order

Outwardly, an expression

I have it together

Inwardly, an explosion

I know nothing at all

My red toenails line up in a row

Ten little soldiers marching off to war

The war is really in my mind

The heart and the mind meeting on the field of battle

But my toenails are red

I struggle with chaos and pressure

The world beating me into a pulp

I try to find a way, the way

I know most of it but the details are lost to darkness

It's the details I struggle with

It's my heart that is hurting

It's blood colors my emotions

At least my toenails are red

Today, it's changing

I'm locking my door to pressure

I'll decide when I'm ready

Today I'm growing up and pushing back 

I will decide for me

And not because it's what I'm told

This will lead me on my own path

And someday, when I can see the details

Someday I'll stop painting my toenails red

It Seems

It seems lately I've been facing down my future, right in front of me, nose to nose, and we just glare at each other.

It seems lately that my decisions have been upended beneath me as if I was a glass and sat on the table they were made of

It seems lately that my biggest fear is showing how unsure I really am, how much I don't have it all figured out. Out of comedy and tragedy, I smile on the outside but within I'm dying

It seems lately that I may have to give up something extremely precious and I'm not sure I have the strength to do it. It feels like Sisyphus and his boulder- endlessly repeating, endlessly difficult.

It seems lately I've been facing down my future. Red boxing gloves, and circling, with me on the floor, blood streaming from my nose

It seems lately my future has been frightening me.