My Home

I want a home where my children will never doubt that Mommy loves Daddy

A home where even when things are going wrong, they can be fixed

A home where things do get fixed

A home where nobody is ever too broken

A home where everyone can feel safe

A home where everyone can grow and laugh and have joy

A home where it's okay to be sad

A home where it's okay to be happy, too

I want a home with God at its center

A home where prayer and scripture study always happen

A home where we turn to Him with our troubles and hurt

I want an eternal home

And I will strive to gain it

Me, Perfect? Nah

Recently I read The Disease Called "Perfection" by Dan Pearce. Lately I have been struggling with a decision, as you may know, and even more recently I've been wondering how to face up to the choice that I made. I don't regret my choice, I thought, but what do I do if it was the wrong one? I already know my dad will be mad, my friends may think me crazy, but then I read this piece. And if you haven't yet, please do.

To me, what this said to me was that I'm worrying too much about what other people think about the path I'm following rather than simply following it and doing the best that I can. I'm worrying a lot about what other people will say rather than what I believe is the path I need to take.

As I'm writing this, my family is watching Frozen. "Conceal, don't feel," right? Not anymore.

I thought about this, combined with Dan's article, and couldn't help but look back on my life and see how much I've done that. I've become whatever I needed to be so people would like me. So I could be "perfect." I've agreed out loud when I really don't. I've hidden away my thoughts because they'd displease others. I've thought the right thoughts, said the right words, and acted the right way. And It's been a good life...mostly. It's only recently I've begun to break free, in my own way. I've started- gasp!- disagreeing with people. And It didn't cause me any loss of those I hold dear. I've started to follow my path the way I believe I should, the way of no (or at least fewer) regrets.

Life is even better than before.

I still hold true to my beliefs. I still do not participate in things I believe to be wrong. Lots of things in my life will not change. But the parts of me that belong only to me, my personality, certain of my life choices, the way I choose to be, all of these are breaking free of the "perfection" I've lived in, at least I hope so.

I'm trying to embrace my faults, my mistakes, and live and learn. I'm trying to move on from what I've done, ignore how I appear to others. I will choose how to live because of me, and not because of others, not because they told me so, or because they'll like me or approve. Not that I will make decisions so that people will disapprove, but that their approval will no longer be a deciding factor, or even a factor at all, if I can make it so.

I'm trying to, you might say, "Let it Go."

I love that song. That is what I'm trying to do. To not care "what they're going to say." To do it because of me and not them.

It will be hard. So hard. These are habits I have cultivated for nearly eighteen years (or less I suppose, not counting when I was too young to really understand). I can't imagine what it would be like to wait longer.

As it is, this will take a long time. I'm not even sure where to start. Though I'm at the perfect place in my life to start this- getting ready to go away to college, somewhere to start afresh, right?

But honestly, what kind of life is a perfect one? What kind of person, the kind that someone can really care for, is "perfect?" It is imperfection that draws us, because we recognize something that we see in ourselves. And I want to be me, not some fancy painted-on version, whether that be literal makeup or the metaphorical kind. I don't want to be blemish free. Not anymore.

Our scars make us. And my heart's got a few.

Me, perfect? Nah.

What is Love?

Baby don't hurt me.....

Okay, seriously though. Honest question. What is this love that we feel? What is this all-consuming emotion that inspires people to go to such lengths? Why does it have such an effect on our souls?

For me, love has been a sort of refiners fire- a way by which I discovered more about myself. It has been both a crutch and a pair of wings, gentle, kind, and also not. Ended well and ended horribly, though mostly the second, which inspired my post about people in relationships. Love has been something constant in my life, in ways both bad and good.

Just recently however, I have really begun to learn what it truly is. Or at least I've learned what the feeling is that truly inspires rather than a simple crush. I'll call it Love, with a capital "L" as that's how it feels, like a capital letter.

Love is consuming in a weird way. It's the first thing on your mind, but it doesn't take up everything. The best Love leaves room for the rest of your life and is still there after the day is done. Really, Love is a support, a companion, what is there when you feel all else is lost.

It also is gentle, at least the way I feel it. This Love doesn't push for more than I'm willing to give. It doesn't make unreasonable demands. It makes the other person so real to me, their wants and their feelings become so much more important than very nearly anything. In Love is being all you can for them. It affects you in a fundamental way, making you better. True Love makes you a better person.

Love is letting somebody into the corner of your heart reserved only for the things you hold most dear-that's how I recently explained it to someone close to my heart. That special corner, the one where you keep your treasured memories, and whenever you visit it, you smile. It is full of light and letting them in, letting anyone in, is a huge risk, but for Love, you're willing. For Love, because they're worth the risk.

Love is being broken, being open. It's putting all those hidden faults and cracks on display, in hopes that they can patch it, and that they won't ignore them or break them further.

I once read something that explained life as a puzzle. Gradually we're all putting our puzzles together, but no matter how we try, there's one piece that just won't f fit. The shape and the color, the picture, it's just wrong. So we get on our hands and knees, we're searching under the table and chairs, and suddenly you bump hands with someone. Perhaps you apologize, look up sheepishly and giggle. You discover that you both have the same problem- one piece that doesn't fit. Turns out somehow they must have gotten switched. That's Love, I think. That extra piece, the grand mix-up of the universe. You have my piece and I have yours. I think that truly is Love, being that piece that fits just right.

But Love is also pliable-and I hope my best friend will pardon my kidnapping of his words. I just adore how he phrased it,  "Nobody feels it the same way, it changes through a person's life. Though, difficult to do, you can stop loving someone. Love is life and life is something that you constantly experience and you don't experience everything the exact same way all the time. Pliable is a great way to describe love."

Love is life, shifting. Different for each of us, and yet here we are, living and loving and existing in any way we can. That is Love.