My thoughts touched upon something very important in my studies today. I was reading the talk "The Fourth Missionary" by Lawrence E Corbridge for about the thousandth time and I began to think and to look back on my mission and on my life.
I used to not understand humility at all. I used to think humility meant that I must think nothing of myself, that I was worthless and had to submit to the will of some all powerful God if I was ever going to measure up, that I had to meet these impossibly high standards and I always felt as if my efforts were never enough. Because of this attitude I often caught myself comparing who I was to others and judging them on their failings and imperfections, just as I judged myself.
Slowly, though, I began to see that I was wrong (I frequently am- it seems to be the best way to learn things). On my mission I received the impression to stud first patience and then the Atonement. I also studied humility. And the real picture began to come together. I finally saw a loving God, a Father, who knows that the only way that I can be refined and molded into the person He intends me to be is through trials and opposition. I understood that going through these trials and making these choices was a privilege that I fought for in my premortal existence, alongside many other valiant and noble souls.
I saw a loving Savior who suffered and lived every moment of our lives alongside us, who paid the price we can never pay, who loves us from eternity to eternity, giving the greatest gift of all so that we may return to our Father. I saw how the plan our Father provided offered a way home that is both simple and treacherous, one that pays for what we cannot while still allowing us to choose to follow His path
I understood that I have a perfect Father who has a perfect plan- the amazing, big, grand plan, but also and individual plan for me. And for you. And for your neighbor across the street. And for your best friend. He knows what He is doing and who He needs each of us to be. He knows our unique needs and quirks, and He always provides. And He always lets us choose whether or not to accept what He offers.
I began to understand that humility was less an acknowledgment of my weakness and more a rejoicing in His strength. One time, later in my mission, I was asked in district meeting to define humility, and the words that came to mind were "confidence in God." This was a new thought to me, a summation of all that I'd learned thus far. That I can believe in my own divine potential, in my own worth, and rejoice in and rely on the strength that my Savior offers me at the same time.
After this realization, I started to live my life as if it were true. And I noticed something very interesting. Although I am still not perfect, I still make mistakes, I still get down in the dumps and have bad days, I have discovered that, if I can remember these simple truths, that deep down in my heart, there is always peace. Even when I am afraid or annoyed or tired, I have peace. I know that because of my Savior, I can overcome any trial, face any fear, and that even if it takes time, He has already won the victory. The only way I can lose is by giving up the fight- so I keep fighting every day to draw nearer to my Savior, little by little.
Humility and patience to me mean that I don't have to be perfect today and that He doesn't expect me to be. It means turning to Him in doubt and fear. It means fighting because I know that the battle is already won as long as I do not falter. It means turning to His strength when my own is not enough, turning to His wisdom and knowing that the world's will never suffice. It means He is my rock. It means believing in myself and in who I can be, and loving who I am today while striving for improvement tomorrow. It means getting up after a bad experience, after a hard week, dusting myself off and trying again.
The scripture at the beginning, from Corinthians, is one that seems to represent how I feel. I can't understand everything perfectly in this life, like looking through foggy glass, but someday, when the Savior comes again, I will see Him face to face. More than anything, I want Him to be proud of me. I want to say that I lived my life faithfully even when I didn't understand or when it was hard. And then, on that day, I will "know even as also I am known"- that is, perfectly.
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