There's beauty in the rain
There's beauty in her pain
A rhythmic soothing beating
On the drum of the earth
The drum of her soul
Rhythm like nature's heartbeat
Beating for her
Until her heart beats again
Droplets of tears and rain
Watering barren ground
Until green grows again
To leave
To be left
It all hurts
To need to leave
To have to part
Also hurts
The missing hurts
The absence of what was
Awkward hurts
Talking about it
Crying alone
Still hurts
Remembering and wanting
Hurt most of all
What's past cannot be touched
And wanting to touch it
Is unbearable
But eventually it will pass
Or so I hope
Like a rainstorm
So dark and fierce
A heart starts to beat again
Blip... Blip...
Spikes on a machine
And healing begins
We don't see the results of the path we're taking until we reach the end of the road
It's both regret and heartache
Joy and hurt
We can't know what the future will be when we reach the end of the road
So we must be careful
Follow the map and our guide
Yet sometimes we choose the wrong path and it's a shame we can't turn around
There's no dead ends, but there are rough patches
And though our guide calls out
"Don't get lost!"
We do
But our guide is there
To take us back I hope
There is scolding
But comfort, I hope
A good end to it all
I hope
Because a wrong choice for the right reasons is still wrong
And we can't unmake them now
So we look forward
Hoping and believing
That the end of the path is a little bit brighter
Than this
I was recently told that I'm really really bad at opening up, that they felt unappreciated by me. Looking at myself, I do suppose it might be true. But this same person has recently inspired in me feelings of being trapped and underappreciated myself. As well as having betrayed my trust multiple times before. It was a wonder I was still close to this person, I suppose, but he was- is?- my best friend, and recently more than that but no longer.
What is it to be unappreciated? To feel unwanted, to feel unloved? Or just neglected? I believe it to be any of those and all three, but also to be something else.
Do you ever think that sometimes people expect too much? I do. They want more than you can give, time, money, love. I recently watched an episode of The Mentalist (great show) where a girl killed her sister and framed someone else. This girl, Lindsay if I recall correctly, thought that now the way was open for the man who loved her sister to fall in love with her. Her unrealistic expectations caused a lot of grief and in fact, and most importantly, caused her to feel....take a guess...unappreciated.
Usually it doesn't happen on such a large scale. Sometimes it's just that simple expecting of someone you care about, expecting them to give more than they can, and when they don't live up to that, blaming them for not trying hard enough. Having those expectations can easily make a person feel unappreciated when that could have simply accepted what they were given with joy, realizing that the other did not have to give anything and in some cases shouldn't have.
The unappreciated feelings, however, run rampant on both sides of this equation. What about the person whom these expectations were placed on? Who struggles under the weight of trying to meet them, when their every effort is responded to with "not good enough," what about them? Like a spoiled child thrust into poverty and the mother who tries to feed him, that's how it feels. You give all you can from where you are and are rewarded with temper tantrums, bowls of carefully bought food spilled and scattered because it's "not good enough." To be there feels like taking a hammer to a glass replica of your soul and this person stepping up to say "let me help." And they hammer you to pieces with the weight of your failure to meet their expectations, your inability to give them what they want.
Sometimes though, expectations are realistic. Sometimes the other person isn't trying. The key to knowing, I suppose, is careful evaluation of both people, their efforts and expectations.
Feeling unappreciated is a genuine thing, and it hurts. It doesn't matter which side of it you're on. I know it, having felt it myself. I left because I felt trapped and unappreciated, because I looked at the situation and it was wrong. Even then, it hurts. I gave someone everything and broke myself on their expectations because it wasn't enough. It hurts but it was right, and I don't regret it. Someday it will work out. Someday it will be worth pushing through. I have faith in that.
You've read posts like this and so have I. Yet they never fail to touch me in some way and remind me why I believe humanity is inherently good.
Yesterday I was pulling out at a light when my car decided to have problems. Turns out my little ol' stick shift no longer wanted to go into gear. Well that's obviously an issue, because I was at a light and the people behind me had no way around.
Of course I began to panic a little, having no idea what to do, and now my sister and I were going to be late for our lunch with Grandma. I figured we'd call our mom and she could come help us or something, but that didn't help the prior behind me, though I did remember to turn on my hazard lights.
Luckily for us, a construction worker across the street noticed our trouble. He came over quickly, figured out what was wrong, cleared a path for the poor lady stuck behind me (by now she'd missed probably three rotations of the light) and helped me and my sister flip a u-turn so we could pull over on the side of the road. He managed all this in maybe give minutes and all very kindly, with a smile on his face and patience as he shoved my little blue car down the street.
About five minutes later, my sister and I pulled up to the same light in our family's minivan. This construction worker was still standing there, and I believe we had a small moment of mutual amusement imagining what might happen if this car broke too.
So that's my Faith in Humanity post. That nice man saved me a lot of stress and panic, and his kind spirit and wide smile despite the labor and the heat of the day made the whole situation almost amusing. People like that make the world spin round, I think.
:)
