Lessons Learned

Today is my great-grandpa's birthday. Grandpa Gibson would have been 96 today (he passed away recently). In honor of him, I wanted to list the lessons I learned from him:

-Always have a harmonica
-Family is meant to have fun
-No one is more important than your eternal companion (he and my great grandma were married for 75 years before she passed away last year).
-Magic penny tricks are cool
-So is a spoon collection
-Never forget to be thankful
-The power of the priesthood is real
-Always have a smile for everyone!
-Laugh hard and enjoy life
-There's room for everyone at the table
-There is always time for children
-Move forward with faith and everything will work out
-Don't be afraid to grieve
-Love with all your heart

I have a lot of memories of my great grandparents. They were- and area- amazingly faithful people, who were a light to everyone around them. I remember one time when we visited, we brought the game "Bannanagrams" with us and we had a ball taking all kinds of funny pictures with the banana shaped bag and we laughed so hard. I remember when I was in college, we'd go up for family dinners every other week (and everyone was invited) and when we played a game my grandpa would always help my grandma- she was in the early stages of dementia.He always sat next to her and held her hand. They loved each other so much. Seventy five years is a long time.

I knew when I left on my mission that it was likely they wouldn't be here when I returned. And that was true. My great-grandpa passed away just a week or two before I came home. My great grandma passed away last year. This past weekend, we went to Utah- my first time being there since they were gone. Their house is so empty- the spoon collection is gone, dispersed among their many descendants (I have one). That bass fish that hung on their wall and sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy"- my favorite thing as a kid- that is gone too. Their furniture is gone. The armchairs they'd sit in- gone. The table we sat at for family dinners- gone. But most notably, they were gone and I didn't realize exactly how much I'd miss them.

But they're together again- I'm sure that was a joyous reunion. And I will see them again someday. I have the assurance of a temple sealing to rely on. We are a family forever. And They lived faithful lives, so now it's my task to live a life they can be proud of. To be sealed in the temple and remain faithful and worthy. To continue to try through the hard times. To understand what "forever" really means.

I also would like to challenge each of you to attend the temple, even if it's just walking the grounds, and remember the power of the priesthood. Remember the holiness of the ordinances. Remember that it is possible and it is worth it. My great-grandparents are examples of that. They can be together for eternity because they participated in sacred ordinances and then lived to be worthy of a place in the celestial kingdom. And I'm sure it was hard for them. But I'm also sure that it was worth it.

On their 75th anniversary

A picture I took at my cousin Larissa's wedding- they were always together and now they never have to be apart again

Dear World,

I seem to be writing a lot of letters lately. This one is for you, world- confusing, crazy, filled with darkness and hurt and pain and sometimes- great beauty.

Do you remember where you came from? Out of the darkness, you were shaped by divine hands for a marvelous purpose. You were filled with wonder and light, and all those things needed to sustain life. All of us mortals were placed here to play a part in that same marvelous purpose and wondrous plan. Yet, as part of this plan, there needed to be an opposition. The darkness set foot on your soils and tempted, tormented, and cried out with terror and fear. This darkness touched us- and it has touched you.

Now the darkness is everywhere, attempting to bring everything to chaos. Confusion reigns supreme. Growing up here, I was caught in the whirlpool for a little while- and it still tugs at me now. One blogger said it perfectly, talking about the outcry over Beauty and the Beast:

"There’s a bigger issue in society that no one signs a petition for or writes blogs about or smothers social media with, and that’s because it’s not a “sexy” trend. But it’s poisoning our kids left and right. And more than two men kissing, it is creating a desensitized generation.
And that’s pornography.
I’m not just talking about the X-rated videos and images that are blatantly pornographic.
I’m talking about the fact that every movie I see nowadays it feels like it has at least one scene with a topless woman in it. I’m talking about commercials for lubricant or Viagra that cross so many lines I’ve lost track–and the sex scenes in every new release movie, music video, and even theater plays of our generation that explicitly show sex, promiscuous women, rape, strippers, sexually abusive relationships, prostitution….need I even go on? It is romanticized, glamorized, airbrushed, and lauded. It is shown so frequently and in so many ways that it has become our normal."

Everything within you, world, seems to lean towards confusion. Who are you attracted to, how can you be noticed (because that is accepted as being the same as loved), what gender are you? How can you make yourself more attractive? You are full of a sexualized culture that treats bodies as pleasure objects and people as animals, who are slaves to their desires. You laud instant gratification, then shout that you've been robbed when the consequences arrive. The children within your society cannot avoid being exposed to these ideals- of abuse, of dominance, of bribery. They cannot avoid the message that their worth comes from their body's attractiveness.

Because of the voices I heard, I struggled to believe I was beautiful- because boys didn't want to date me. I struggled to believe I was worth anything- because I wasn't famous or noticed or well-known. And I was sheltered. I lived in a home that was a refuge from many of these influences. I cannot even imagine what it would have been like without that sanctuary. I might not have survived. You told me I was small and worthless because I didn't have the perfect body, I didn't curl my hair or style it with some expensive product, I didn't care about makeup or fashion.

Luckily, the gospel says something different. Through the Spirit, I can sometimes catch a glimpse of what good is in this world.

I see my mom, who has battled mental illness her whole life, still getting up in the morning. Still going to church. Still working hard. Still loving, with a heart that is bigger and gentler than anyone else I know. I've never known anyone who can make a baby laugh as quickly as my mother.

I see some of my dearest friends, fighting so hard to overcome addictions, frustrations, and everything else, struggling against a thousand angry, doubting voices, continuing to push forward, through dark times, through sadness and pain, through loneliness and uncertainty. Never giving up and holding fast to the fire of their testimony- which I have felt through a thousand letters and conversations. That fire burns brightly still. They will see victory. I believe that, a thousand times over.

I see many people quietly battling for the good that is in you, world, by living their lives to what they know is right. They may not raise protests or make the evening news. The biggest difference they may make is in the lives of their children who watch their noble example. But in the end, I believe that is the biggest difference that can possibly be made.

I see others showing endless compassion and charity towards those who are struggling. They never give up on the ones they love, and they never stop reaching out.

I have seen many who, through the long night of doubt, have emerged with their faith held high. World, your night could not dim their flame. Your darkness could not dampen their spirits permanently. That spark never went out.

I see myself- still here, still fighting every day for the faith that holds me steady. I can finally believe that I am beautiful and that I am worth something- even though I'm still not famous and I don't have boys falling at my feet. That doesn't affect my worth or my beauty. I am beautiful- and so are you- because we were created by Him, and He is a creator of beauty. I am worth something because I am a child of God and because of the potential within me. My goal is to become someone not great or famous but just good. Someone full of light and strength, who can see the truth through the darkness. So in a way, world, I am grateful for your darkness, because it is making me stronger. By fighting against it, I am choosing who I want to be.

I have seen all kinds of people- which still is only a small fraction of those that exist all around this earth, and the sheer variety astounds me. Each person truly is unique. You cannot convince me that this is not the work of those same divine hands.  I have been blessed to feel- so briefly- a small part of the love that Heavenly Father feels for His children. Though you, world, try to hide that fact, try and deceive me into not believing, into not loving, into anger and hatred and doubt, I cannot deny what I have felt.

You have tried to take my attention from that which truly matters, and turn it to those things which are of no worth, and cannot satisfy. Because in the end, we all long for something greater, something eternal. You are still telling lies about the small things, blowing them out of proportion, in order to confuse and lead us away from what truly will beautify our lives, and give us a sense of who we truly are.

There is still beauty in you. The towering pines of the Pacific Northwest, the Rocky Mountains, the sunsets every evening, the billowing clouds, the flowers and plants...it is all beautiful. And one day, world, the beauty and light will overcome the darkness, and you will be restored to your rightful state, as a witness of the glory of God. The day when Christ comes again, that is when the darkness will be cast out. I can't wait.

Love,
Erin

To Whom It May Concern

Dear you,

Today I want you to know that you are a fighter. You are a warrior. And you are strong.

There are so many voices in this world. They'll tell you who you should be, what to wear, how to think, what to believe. Many of them have good intentions- I can't fault them for that. But I want you to know that no matter what, unless it is accompanied by the peace and whisperings of the Spirit, you do not need to give it any heed.

There is so much temptation, so much evil, all around us. Exposure to it cannot be avoided. Sin is more accessible than ever- which means that we must be stronger. Luckily, our Savior has all the strength we could ever require. Luckily, He has already won the war and now we must fight our individual battles. And even if we lose one, or three, or a thousand, if we keep fighting, we will win the war. Strength doesn't come all at once, like a flash of lightning (at least not in my experience). Conquering whatever tempts us and draws us in is not easy. Sometimes it is incredibly lonely. Sometimes the voices in the world will tell you that it is impossible and you can't make it and you might as well give up. But what I want to tell you is that those voices are WRONG. Yes, it's hard and it seems lonely. But your Savior is with you. And I am on your side. If you are fighting to choose the right, remember that His strength is available to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Jesus Christ never closes shop, or takes weekend vacations.

Many of these voices are discouraging. Many tell you lies about who you are, what you are worth, and what you are capable of becoming. Remember what the scriptures say. You are a child of God- a child of the all-powerful, Creator of the universe. And He knows you and loves you, individually. For most of my life, I didn't really believe that. There are seven billion or so people on the earth right now. Not to mention the billions that lived and died before me, and all those who will live after me. I felt small and insignificant. But as I studied the plan of salvation, as I learned about the Atonement, and most especially as I attended the temple, I felt the witness of the Spirit confirm that He does know me. He has the capacity to perfectly love, know, and care for all of the billions of people who walk this earth. His love for someone else does not diminish His love for me, and vice versa. He has an individual plan for my life, and for your life, and for your sister's life, or your dad's life, and He knows how to make all the pieces fit. It is incomprehensible, how amazing He is, and how great His love is. So if right now, you can't seem to feel or have faith in that love, then go to the temple. If you can't go inside, then sit on the grounds. Study the Atonement. There is always more. Pray and ask- Ask Heavenly Father if He loves you. Ask Him if He knows you. He will tell you.

When I was in the MTC, I felt a great desire to know if God truly knew and loved me. I had heard it a thousand times through Primary and Seminary and Sunday School, but I had trouble believing. So I prayed, earnestly and honestly, and I asked. That week, my companion and I decided to participate in the MTC choir. We were singing the song "A Child's Prayer" (listen here). Before we began, the director got up and he told us a story of his daughter when she was little. He began by talking about how big the universe is- if our galaxy were the thickness of one sheet of paper, it would take a stack that was billions of sheets of paper tall to even begin to equal the size of the universe. On one particular Sunday, his daughter was in the Primary program and they were singing a song called "Scripture Power." I remember singing the same song while I was in Primary. There was a part where all the children held their scriptures in the air. Well they got to church and his daughter says, "I forgot my Book of Mormon!" Her special book, with her name on the front. He told her to just borrow some scriptures from the meetinghouse library but she insisted. Her book had been lost for a while. So, for his daughter, he drove home and on the way he said a prayer. He asked Heavenly Father to help him find this little girl's scriptures so she could hold them up. And immediately into his mind came the image of exactly where they were and he found them and brought them to his daughter. Our director expressed to us that despite the universe being so large, and Heavenly Father being a piece of every part of it, that He cared enough to pause and point out that girl's scriptures.

Faith is a funny thing. It's not a one-size-fits-all, nor is it blindly following wherever someone may lead. If I had to say something, I'd say faith is a lot like trust. It's trusting in our Heavenly Father's plan. Faith comes by choice, first and foremost. It comes by study. And most importantly, it comes by the Spirit. There have been many times I've had questions. And I've studied and prayed and studied some more. The answer always comes. Not always quickly, but it always comes, and then things make sense. I may be young. I may be inexperienced. But I know that God answers prayers. I know that He has a plan and that He cares. He is always by my side and He is always by yours. That I do know from my own experience. I cannot deny the spiritual experiences I've had. So lean on Him. Ask questions. Wait for the answer. Trust in Him- by choice. That will bring you true peace.

Love,
Erin

Tossed To And Fro

"And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive" (Ephesians 4:11-14). 

These verses have become some of my favorites. Earlier on in the same chapter is a verse we quoted often in my mission- verse 5, which says "One Lord, one faith, one baptism." That verse is one that Joseph Smith read before reading the better-known James 1:5 and having the miraculous experience known as the First Vision. And because of that, because of the First Vision and Joseph's calling as a prophet of the Lord, just as Moses and Abraham and Noah of old, I can find comfort in the verses above, that because of modern apostles and prophets, I need not be "tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine." In today's world, that is a big deal. I feel as if the "winds of doctrine" have gone from small breezes to regular hurricane-strength gusts that will carry us away if we aren't holding on to something steady.

On my mission I had an interesting experience with this scripture. For background- while I was serving, the First Presidency sent out a letter and announced changes in the leadership handbook that stated that the children of homosexual couples cannot be baptized until the age of eighteen. My first response was to be a little angry and upset- it seemed unfair and cruel. As missionaries, we talk to a lot of people, and so we heard a wide variety of responses (luckily a member had let us know to expect it, since as missionaries in my mission, we also didn't watch the news or use Facebook or other social media).

Attempting to figure this out was rather hard. But, because I'd had similar dilemmas before, I knew where I'd find answers- in the words of the scriptures and our modern day prophet and apostles, and through the Holy Ghost. So I studied it out. I read a lot. And eventually things began to make a little more sense- although I didn't understand it perfectly, I knew enough to move forward with faith. But this post isn't about this specific policy; it's about the scripture from Ephesians.

We had been meeting with a woman for a short amount of time who had been baptized many years ago but had not been coming to church for a long time (she had the neatest, sweetest dog). And she asked us about this policy. She was offended and felt that it was wrong. She expressed her views and we were able to really talk about it. I tried to share some of what I'd come across in my own studies, but really, she didn't want to listen. Which to me was so sad that, because of her anger, she'd deny the Spirit, and the sure foundation Heavenly Father has provided in His gospel. That's when I remembered this scripture (or the Spirit brought it to my mind), and connected it with another of my favorites, Ether 12:4, which reads "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

In that moment, the Spirit spoke to me and taught me something very valuable. I learned that the world tells us a lot of things. The world will tell us who we have to be or what we have to think or wear or do to be enough. The world will take doctrine and twist it until it is nearly unrecognizable. Satan will attempt to confuse us and anger us, tell us to be offended and to turn our backs on every truth because of one thing we don't like or 100% agree with. The world will keep throwing words like "bigot" or "cult" or "prejudiced" against us. But when has that ever not been the case? When have God's ways ever been popular in the world? The truth is, staying to the strait and narrow path is not easy, nor should we expect it to be. But because of what we have been blessed with- because of modern day apostles and prophets, because we have that active living revelation through them, and also personally, we have a sure foundation. That is what makes "an anchor to the souls of men." I have something to hold onto when those hurricane winds swirl around me and threaten to rip me apart. We are all to be united. We are all to love one another. And that can be done while staying true to the commandments, whether through ancient or modern prophets. The world will tell us that is impossible. But I can tell you, through experience, that not only is it possible, but it is worth it.

The world often tells me things that seem to make sense. They appear logical at first. But they cause me to have self-doubt, confusion, sadness, and fear. Those are signs to me- signs that I need to take a step back, to look at the eternal perspective through the lens of the Plan of Salvation and guided by the Holy Ghost. Then I can have peace of mind and focus on what is really important. I can live in this world without being of this world- without being tossed about with every new fad, trend, or movement. And I know there are so man people out there who are doing the same, and I am so grateful for you and for the example you set to me and to those around you. The world needs you. Stay strong. And if you're having trouble- turn to the scriptures. Turn to the words of our living prophet. Turn to your Heavenly Father in prayer. Slowly and surely, everything will make sense. Everything will fall into place. I promise you that.

"Perfection Pending"

"For he is the same yesterday, today and forever; and the way is prepared for all men from the foundation of the world, if it so be that they repent and come unto him. For he that diligently seeketh shall find" (1 Nephi 10:18-19)

Throughout my life I have struggled with perfectionism and wanting to get everything exactly right, right now. I always knew when I was too stressed because I'd catch myself in my prayers apologizing for not being perfect. I held myself to such high expectations and sometimes that would lead to judging others and expecting the same from them. That's sort of a negative way to live.

On my mission I began to learn and more importantly, to accept, that perfection is more of a process than a state of being, an end goal rather than an expectation. I found that when I turned to people for help when I was struggling that, rather than tell me to get over it (as I expected they would), they responded with compassion and offered to help. This was especially at the time mentioned in my previous post where I had been struggling with anxiety. I received countless wonderful priesthood blessings from my Heavenly Father through righteous priesthood holders that provided the exact counsel and comfort that I needed. I realized that it was okay for me to struggle and need help, rather than having to be the strong one and never show any weakness.

Since I returned from my mission I have struggled similarly, expecting to have a job, a major, and my life completely planned out within 3-4 weeks. Which is really unrealistic. (Though I did get a job yesterday!!). I felt as though by taking breaks, I was somehow failing. This has led to a lot of unnecessary stress. Then, this morning I read in the Book of Mormon those verses listed above and I noticed that it never says perfection is a requirement.

Let me repeat that.

It never says perfection is a requirement. 

The way is prepared for all men (which means no exceptions, including me) if they repent and come unto Him. If they diligently seek Him. Those are the two requirements mentioned here: repentance and diligence. Neither of them involve perfection or never messing up. They represent consistent and patient effort to turn to Him who is mighty to save, He who knows our every thought, doubt, pain, and joy.

In my copy of Preach My Gospel, under "Diligence" in chapter 6, I found a quote I'd written down from one of my dad's emails to me. He said "Diligence is one of the best and most hopeful concepts in the gospel. The Lord only expects our patient and continual efforts. He is not so much interested in speed as much as He is in direction. He expects us to face Him and keep moving toward Him."

Then, Russell M Nelson said (in a talk titled "Perfection Pending") "We need not be dismayed if our earnest efforts toward perfection now seem so arduous and endless. Perfection is pending. It can come in full only after the Resurrection and only through the Lord. It awaits all who love him and keep his commandments. It includes thrones, kingdoms, principalities, powers, and dominions. It is the end for which we are to endure. It is the eternal perfection that God has in store for each of us." In the same talk, Russell M Nelson discusses how the Greek work for "perfect" in scriptures such as Matthew 5:48 actually indicates "achieving a distant goal" as opposed to being free from error.

To me, this is a lesson I have to learn again and again- and it seems the Lord never gets tired of reminding me, in His patient and gentle way. I am allowed to struggle. I am allowed to have bad days, or weeks, as long as I continue to remember Him, to diligently seek Him and to repent. As long as I keep trying and keep fighting, I cannot lose.

When I was struggling on my mission, the mission nurse gave me a list of quotes to read every day. One of them, by Bruce R McConkie, has become a favorite to remember. He said "I believe in becoming perfect; I also believe in the law of eternal progression."

So my message today is this: If the things you face seem overwhelming, if the roar of Satan's armies is loud in your ears, don't forget to look behind you. There is a greater army of light there than you could ever imagine. Your friends and family are there, standing ready to fight for you. Your ancestors beyond the veil surround you. And your Savior- He is right beside you, for He has already won this war. He knows exactly what you need to do, exactly how long it will take. It may be days, weeks, years, or a lifetime, but the victory is yours- if you repent and diligently seek Him. And if you slip and fall- repent and turn to Him again. He is always waiting.

Even As Also I Am Known

"For now, we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known" (1 Corinthians 13:12) 

My thoughts touched upon something very important in my studies today. I was reading the talk "The Fourth Missionary" by Lawrence E Corbridge for about the thousandth time and I began to think and to look back on my mission and on my life.

I used to not understand humility at all. I used to think humility meant that I must think nothing of myself, that I was worthless and had to submit to the will of some all powerful God if I was ever going to measure up, that I had to meet these impossibly high standards and I always felt as if my efforts were never enough. Because of this attitude I often caught myself comparing who I was to others and judging them on their failings and imperfections, just as I judged myself.

Slowly, though, I began to see that I was wrong (I frequently am- it seems to be the best way to learn things). On my mission I received the impression to stud first patience and then the Atonement. I also studied humility. And the real picture began to come together. I finally saw a loving God, a Father, who knows that the only way that I can be refined and molded into the person He intends me to be is through trials and opposition. I understood that going through these trials and making these choices was a privilege that I fought for in my premortal existence, alongside many other valiant and noble souls.

I saw a loving Savior who suffered and lived every moment of our lives alongside us, who paid the price we can never pay, who loves us from eternity to eternity, giving the greatest gift of all so that we may return to our Father. I saw how the plan our Father provided offered a way home that is both simple and treacherous, one that pays for what we cannot while still allowing us to choose to follow His path

I understood that I have a perfect Father who has a perfect plan- the amazing, big, grand plan, but also and individual plan for me. And for you. And for your neighbor across the street. And for your best friend. He knows what He is doing and who He needs each of us to be. He knows our unique needs and quirks, and He always provides. And He always lets us choose whether or not to accept what He offers.

I began to understand that humility was less an acknowledgment of my weakness and more a rejoicing in His strength. One time, later in my mission, I was asked in district meeting to define humility, and the words that came to mind were "confidence in God." This was a new thought to me, a summation of all that I'd learned thus far. That I can believe in my own divine potential, in my own worth, and rejoice in and rely on the strength that my Savior offers me at the same time.

After this realization, I started to live my life as if it were true. And I noticed something very interesting. Although I am still not perfect, I still make mistakes, I still get down in the dumps and have bad days, I have discovered that, if I can remember these simple truths, that deep down in my heart, there is always peace. Even when I am afraid or annoyed or tired, I have peace. I know that because of my Savior, I can overcome any trial, face any fear, and that even if it takes time, He has already won the victory. The only way I can lose is by giving up the fight- so I keep fighting every day to draw nearer to my Savior, little by little.

Humility and patience to me mean that I don't have to be perfect today and that He doesn't expect me to be. It means turning to Him in doubt and fear. It means fighting because I know that the battle is already won as long as I do not falter. It means turning to His strength when my own is not enough, turning to His wisdom and knowing that the world's will never suffice. It means He is my rock. It means believing in myself and in who I can be, and loving who I am today while striving for improvement tomorrow. It means getting up after a bad experience, after a hard week, dusting myself off and trying again.

The scripture at the beginning, from Corinthians, is one that seems to represent how I feel. I can't understand everything perfectly in this life, like looking through foggy glass, but someday, when the Savior comes again, I will see Him face to face. More than anything, I want Him to be proud of me. I want to say that I lived my life faithfully even when I didn't understand or when it was hard. And then, on that day, I will "know even as also I am known"- that is, perfectly.