This struck me as quite profound. And true. What other words carry such weight? What other words reveal such vulnerability, so much of what is occurring within our hearts and minds? None at all, except perhaps poetry. And poetry is not so hard. In poetry, we hide behind metaphors. We veil our intentions with words and rhythm, cadences meant at once to reveal and conceal.
Not so with these phrases.
"I love you"
Vulnerability incarnate.
What other words, when said and truly meant, give away so much of what makes us up? What other words, when said, reveal something so raw and fragile? Our hearts are our most carefully protected part, even by anatomy. These words reveal them. They reveal a thousand layers of thoughts and daydreams, of glances sneaked across rooms, and staring when they look the other way. A thousand plans for a future that may or may not be, and a willingness to risk it all on a chance, on saying these words. When it would, could, should be far easier to hold it within yourself, though it threatens to burst. When it's easier to hide and pretend and refuse to speak of it, because of the risk it is to say. Because to be broken by one you've given these words to is the worst breaking of all. Because to break someone you loved is the only pain that can equal it, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Sometimes things get in the way of the daydreams and the glances, and it builds a brick wall. And you shatter your glass heart trying to break it down.
This is why "I love you" is hard to say
"I'm sorry"
Admitting to fault
In a world where perfection is the ultimate ideal, where we airbrush our models, where being right is more important than being kind ofttimes, apologizing is hard to do. To admit we were wrong, to take back words said in anger, actions done in rage. How can we admit to being less than perfect? Less than human?
Even more painful: What will they think of us, apologizing? What do they think of us after what we did? And how will they react? What if they reject us? This is the greatest fear that apology brings: rejection. Being spurned, being treated the way we surely deserve to. We are afraid of receiving justice when we are on our knees pleading for mercy.
Saying these words reveals strength. It reveals that we know our faults and are trying to become better. It reveals us as human. But in this world, being human is not always good. Being imperfect is sometimes scorned.
This is why "I'm sorry" is so hard to say.
"Help me"
Help me.
Help.
I am lost and alone. I am in pain. I am weakened and crying. I am useless right now and need your hand to lift me to my feet. I need your gentle touch and kind words. Please don't leave. Please don't abandon me hopeless on this cold ground, in this desolate, cobwebbed corner where I have sequestered myself with all the shadows in my heart. Do not scorn me, abuse me, criticize me. Please help me.
To say this is to reveal our darkness.
The shadows we hide in corners, in back alleys and forgotten places within our minds. This is what we hide; this is what these words reveal. That we are weak. They show our weakness to someone else, revealing the soft parts of our soul, our Achilles' heels. They show a person where to cut if they wish to cut the deepest, and yet we must trust them not to, because we simply don't have the strength to keep moving on our own. These words reveal nights spent curled up in a ball, sitting on the bathroom floor. Nights of desperate tears and uncontrollable sobs. Days of putting on a mask of playfulness and joy because if they see your broken pieces, will they still love you?
This is why "Help me" is so hard to say.
Rejection
This is what we are afraid of. The deepest fear, the darkest hatred of the human soul is to be shunned, rejected, spurned, hurt. To be given harsh words instead of gentle, to be broken by the ones we love. Why then do we reject others? Why do we not give them the gentle hand we so desire? I am so, so guilty. And trying to improve. Can we all try to say these words, to not reject the outreached hands of those that make themselves vulnerable. Can we be vulnerable? Say the words. Hear them. Speak them to those you trust. Let them see your heart, see the cracks that make you human, and the love that makes you more, see the faults you are fixing. Perhaps it is so hard because there is a trend of hurt in what we see, what we read, what we are exposed to constantly. Every moment passing brings another chance to be hurt or witness another's pain. But it also brings another moment to reach out a kind hand and help them out of their dark places.
These words, when said and accepted, can bind us together stronger than ever before- or tear us apart further than we knew was possible. That is scary.
These things are the hardest to say because we have made them so. And because we are human.
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