To Discuss

There are a few things I wish were more discussed. The first of those is mental illness. I wish that it was less taboo and more openly discussed. Perhaps then, not only would there be fewer misconceptions about the topic, but it would be considered more acceptable and more people would understand how to properly react to it. I know finding out that people I know are struggling with these every day is a hard thing, and I wish every day that I knew better how to react.

The second thing is specifically within the LDS Church- I wish that gender identities and sexual orientations were more openly discussed. After all, it is something that all of us will inevitably face in our lives, whether it's a friend, family member, or sometimes ourselves. I know that recently I have realized one of my greatest fears is that my child will have a different sexual orientation or gender identity....because I have no idea how I would deal with it. I wish this topic was discussed within the Church so that members could better know how to react, accept, and love, while still standing up for the truths of the gospel. As with mental illness, there would be fewer misconceptions and more people who can accept and properly react to it. Not that sexual orientation is even comparable to mental illness.

The third thing is that I wish it was socially acceptable to speak out about our difficulties. I know for me, it's harder because it seems like no one else is struggling with the same things, or what I'm struggling with is, for lack of a better word, lame. I wish it wasn't that way, that people could speak out and be accepted. I suppose this actually ties together the other two, because mental illness is of course a struggle, and hiding a sexual orientation must also be extremely difficult. So I guess what I want is a world of trust and open, respectful discussion. That's my dream.

Humanity

I think that something we miss in our mortal existence is the endless variety that is humanity. We miss the smallest variations, the different quirks in their smiles, and how no one ever loves something in the same way that someone else does. We miss the fact that each of us experience the world as a different place. Think about it! It's as if there's billions of worlds out there,billions of universes, each held in the mind of one human being, who alone seems so much smaller than all that they perceive. At the same time that this fills me with wonder, it is also a little scary because I don't understand it. And I also do understand. I understand that I am not the same person in another's world as I am in mine. And they also change when crossing universes. This is at once the scariest and most wonderful thing of all

Sadness

I am convinced that crying purifies the soul like rain
Washing away the dirt and dust and grime of life
It somehow heals some of the pain
That comes from all this everyday strife

Sunday Series: To Stumble

"And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)

I believe that we, as people, as much as we'd like to think otherwise, do not walk or run or dance through life. I believe that we all are just stumbling. Can't you see it? We're all toddling through our first steps, just learning to walk, or live, as the case may be. We trip over our own feet ever day, and sometimes we fall.

This view of mine is actually synonymous with Gospel principles. As children of God, we were sent here to grow. We are learning to live just as our children in mortality learn to walk. I am sure we've all seen children and watched them, as they begin to pull themselves up and step along walls. They grin and smile and awkwardly swing their chubby little limbs around. Just like them, we must lean on things around us- people, places, and most of all, God. Throughout our whole lives, we never stop stumbling.

Sometimes it's not a bad stumble, but endearing, like tripping over words when talking to someone, or fumbling when holding something (preferably not anything too valuable or breakable). We as humans are often a little awkward or weird in our moods, and many may view this as a fault. Yet the truest friends anyone can have will view it as just a part of life. I know my best and truest friends deal with all sides of me, those times when I'm most steady on my feet, and also those times when I can barely stand without tripping (metaphorically, of course).

But sometimes it hurts, when we fall and make bigger mistakes, whatever they may be. It can hurt us, and it can also hurt others. We gain bruises and calluses from these falls, and we learn what not to do again. I'm sure everyone has personal experience with this. The pain of admitting to the fall, and not blaming anyone else is not pleasant, but it is redeeming. And this is how we learn, by falling over and over and getting back up to try again. Our Father watches us, and helps us as we shuffle along walls and couches.

To stumble and to fall is not shameful. I think this is the most important part to understand. It is natural, part of our learning here on earth. Just like stumbling children, we must view falls not as failure, but as a lesson. Just like children, we must get up again and again and not be afraid to fall. And just like we would not reprimand a toddler for slipping, we must not reprimand ourselves, only get back up with whatever lesson we have learned. Someday, long after this world's time has ended, we will truly be able to walk and run and dance. But for now, all we can do is continue to stumble and continue to learn.

Weird Days

What I want most right now is to slowly give you my heart over many, many conversations and late night restaurant runs and watching the sun set. I want to learn all about you and care for you. I don't know why I want this, or who. Perhaps it's because of the weird dreams last night, combined with an incessant need to be productive and work hard, combined with no motivation except to sleep and scroll aimlessly.

It's a little chilly today, but not freezing. I should be studying now, but instead I'm not. Later I'll cook pasta primavera, for my roommates, and some for a friend who took me shopping and helped me find everything. Tomorrow is my Creative Writing final. I need to turn in a ten-minute play. It's not done yet. I'm not sure I even like what I have so far. Wish I could have used the one that I started writing ages before discovering that we'd be drawing actors, titles, and settings from a hat.

Perhaps I have an idea. For the play. One both tragic and horribly funny. Maybe it will work. Maybe.

Some days are out of place with the rest and so are some people on these days, like whatever puzzle piece I am changes shape and doesn't fit on these days. Today is like I woke up this morning, slowly rising to the surface, slowly realizing how weird that dream actually was, no matter how nice it was at the same time.

Brain Dump

I believe that, although I am a creature of pain, that I am also made of hope. And that because I have had certain woes, I am able to see a brighter light. Though sometimes the shine is obscured because darkness gets in the way, in the end, hope is in my bones, and I know no other path.

Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I was told before the movie began that it connected to everyone differently but I didn't expect to feel it so deeply. Honestly, I could not stop crying for a good ten minutes after the movie ended and everyone left, and even then, I only stopped when I distracted myself with Facebook.

I'm not sure what it was specifically that hit me so hard. I know the line "we accept the love we think we deserve" has always been one of my favorites, even before seeing the movie. And "in that moment, we were infinite." I did gain one more that I think will stay with me, and that is "we can't choose where we come from, but we do get to choose where we go from there" or something similar.

I think the part that first touched me was that, for the characters, life was hard. So hard. There were a million things going on at once, and there was something deeper behind everything. And I guess I saw a little of myself in Charlie, not in his experiences, but in his reluctance to open up to anyone, including himself. Because it's hard for me to trust people, especially when things are hurting me. I've often told myself, the only one that sees me cry, really cry, is me. And it's probably true, at least for most of my life. So I related to that, to how he hid his pain, how he coped with it on his own and just tried to make it go away. I can understand how, even when he had known these friends for a while, and trusted them, how even after they'd stood with him through thick and thin, I understand, I think, he was still afraid that if they knew anything about the shadows inside him, they'd leave. No matter how unreasonable that fear was and no matter if he knew it. Of course, his shadows were much darker than mine hopefully will ever be. But I believe that the fear is the same. And the need, the wish, to have someone to open up to. Even though we're too afraid to try and reach out first. Except for, perhaps, in really vague posts on the internet, or letters to a friend who will never receive them.

The quote that I mentioned earlier, my new favorite, about choosing where we go, that one resonated with me. Compared to many, my life hasn't been that difficult. That is true. But it is also true that my situation was not ideal. It was hard, and stressful, and more than I should've had to bear, or would've in the ideal situation. It was never easy. But it wasn't impossible. I managed to make it, and at times, it was beautiful, it was fun, and I enjoyed it. And now I get to choose where I go from here It's all up to me- finally. I no longer have to struggle with the same things that I did while growing up. Well, mostly. And I am so happy about that. I didn't get to choose where I came from, but it shaped who I am today, and I like who I'm becoming. And now I get to choose where I go. That's life, I guess. I think that line was the point in the movie where I really started to tear up.

There was one other thing that resonated- something that has been true lately, but isn't always, or even often, and that is the theme of loneliness. An ever-present feeling of isolation. It's been hanging over me lately, and because I don't know how to open up, I haven't told anyone. I've been dealing with it the best way I know how- joking it off, subtly appealing for company, curling up with blankets and food, reading, trying to sleep it off...It hasn't worked. Though I do honestly think I haven't been sleeping enough, and that's why it's bothering me still. But at those times when it becomes too much, I do wish for a helping hand. And that's when I relate most to Charlie at the beginning of the movie, and after his breakup with Mary Elizabeth. Because even though I have friends- great friends- I'm not brave enough to trust them. Or to go to them for comfort. And so I still feel alone. Until I get rid of it on my own. Which I have done, many, many times.

Oh look. I'm crying again.

I hope that everyone gets the chance to see this movie. I believe what my friend said, that it connects to everyone differently. Since each of our lives are different, it makes sense. There are so many layers to this story. Friendship, love, trust, bad experiences, depression, suicide, joy, protection, heartbreak, and probably many more that I missed. I could relate to so many different pieces of this movie, but not nearly all of it, and a lot that I won't talk about here. I think this movie is the thing that helped my current cloud the most. Because somehow, even though it's a movie, it's inanimate and unchanging, somehow, it understands.

In conclusion, this movie is wonderful and I'd like to get my hands on the book in the near future.

Can I Trust You?

This morning in my ENG 211 class (Rhetoric and Civ) we discussed the nature of argument, and how it can be said that all of human thought is essentially an argument. Thus, all of our interactions are arguments of some form or another. Then we spoke on how the essential question of all human interaction is the one that is the title of this post; that is, can I trust you?

Thinking about this, I began to ask myself what makes a person trustworthy. Trust is an interesting thing, both comforting and terrifying. In this same class, we are writing a paper about the most important questions to ask when evaluating an argument, and I think they can apply here as well.

One of the first questions is about the worldview of the person presenting the argument (or in this case, the person you wish to trust). I must look at what they believe and why? What do they desire? What is their morality and motivation for how they act? And, the most important question, is all of this consistent with the argument that they are presenting? To present an argument inconsistent with one's worldview is to present an evil argument, according to Cicero. If the speaker's worldview is consistent, then they are more likely to be trustworthy. I would add here a margin of error for someone's effort to change. If the person in question is endeavoring to improve, as long as their improvement is genuine, then they are more likely to be trustworthy.

Their motives are the most important aspect of this question. What do they want from me? What do I have to offer that they desire enough to choose to interact with me? Are they using me or do they truly care for my well-being?  Also, with these motives, if I were to accept their offer of trustworthiness, what would that mean for me? If I spend time with this person, what character will I adopt and why would they wish me to adopt such a character? Again, motives that are inconsistent with their professed beliefs are considered evil.

Another question has to do with evidence. With trust, all of the evidence will be anecdotal, of course. No one will have studies on themselves to present, with figures and calculations of their trustworthiness, and if they do, that would be more a cause for worry than trust. So I then must look at how this person interacts with others, and do others trust them? This is one of the strongest points in a person's favor or otherwise. If others trust this person, it sets a good precedent, meaning they are more likely to be someone I can trust.

Of course, these are only three of the questions that I ask myself when trying to trust someone, and mostly subconsciously. Yet that does not lessen their importance. I guess the point of all this is, be careful who you trust. Be sure they are consistent- I find when I am inconsistent, I cannot even trust myself. Be sure they do not have motives that would harm you. And above all, be sure that the character you would adopt is one that you want to adopt.

Sunday Series: Easter

Now I know it's late at night and I'm cutting it a bit close, but to be honest, there hasn't been much of a chance to blog today. Between conference and various instances of socialization with other humans, I've been booked. But I have time now, so here goes.

Easter Sunday is a miracle.

It wasn't emphasized as much this year, perhaps because I moved out, or because I didn't go to family dinner (I hadn't heard if it was happening or not until too late). Yet it was also more important, if only because I'm living on my own. I feel that over the past couple months, I have developed a stronger relationship with my Savior. This has happened through many small improvements and changes in my life, concerning scripture study, media time, taking good classes, etc. I've come to understand a few things.

Firstly, the Savior does know and love us individually and personally, like that one friend you've known your whole life. He loves us each so much, again individually and personally. This isn't a blanket love, like "I love the people in Europe!" or "I love my ward!" No, He loves you. If you were alone on this Earth, He still would have come. He would've died and risen again, suffered in the Garden, to save you, personally.

Secondly, Christ is always with us. It brings to mind the song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me." He is, in fact, behind you and before you and His angels are round about you, as the scripture says. I believe those people who say that we would be shocked to see what legions of angels are protecting us. Christ is always there and He will never leave. He will bless you with what you need.

Third, that the Atonement is about both little and big things. It is both the small changes in my life, and the big course corrections after making a wrong decision. He doesn't care what the world thinks of me, only whether or not I am trying to change. The General Authorities spoke about this in conference, how a Saint is a sinner who keeps on trying.The Lord doesn't care if we've stumbled or wiped out or fallen off a cliff. He will lift us up if we let Him. That is so marvelous to me, that no matter how I mess up, if I genuinely repent, I can be forgiven, and I can truly change.

There are quite a few mistakes in my past that I regret, that I perhaps never fully rectified, or that I didn't handle as I should. But this Easter Sunday, I know that they can be made right through faith. I can change. I will be able to say "Yes I was, but I am no longer" about who I used to be. That is the most marvelous thing about Easter and the Atonement is the potential for change.

Change is marvelous. Sometimes in this world I think we insist too much on seeing people as they were, as if they have not changed. I think we can have trouble recognizing true differences in hearts and countenances. Yet change is at the core of our being. No one stays the same for long. No, they will change, one way or another. The only time change slows is when we are given over to the adversary. Satan wishes only to keep us from growing, where Christ and our Father want us to become so much more.

This is my testimony this Easter Sunday: that because of the Atonement, we can truly change. We can leave our pasts behind us, and the Lord will remember it no more. Improvement occurs when a heart is willing to accept Christ's all-encompassing love.

It's Conference Time!

General Conference is coming up, and as usual, it's an exciting time of year. In fact, it's crazier this year, since finals are coming up. I have a ten-minute play and two essays to write, as well as two religion tests and ASL to study for, and it's a little crazy. But now and then, between the rush, there are small moments of quiet. At this moment, I have done all that I can on my projects. In fact, I've done more- I began writing this ten-minute play based on something I've wanted to write about for a while, only to discover that our plays will be written on topics with settings, titles, and characters drawn randomly out of a hat. Of course, I'll probably still finish the one I started. It's one I feel strongly about.

As conference comes up, I've been pondering a lot of questions and I'm hoping that this weekend will help me finish answering them. Hopefully you all know that I've been planning on serving a mission. Well, lately, I've been questioning that decision, for a multitude of reasons, the first being fear. I am afraid to leave all of this behind for a year and a half, just when I'm finally settling in. The second reason is passion. Perhaps as a result of my fear, I cannot find my passion for the work. The Gospel is true, and I have a strong testimony, but sharing it is intimidating.  The third reason is, of course, what if I got married? Not that I'm anywhere close to that, obviously. I haven't even been on a date in months  (though it's been a bit of a relief- I have more time for homework). But there is the ever-present what if.

Yet a mission also offers so much. Perhaps in accepting a call to serve, I will be blessed to find that love for missionary work again. Perhaps I will be blessed with an even greater community when I return to Provo. Perhaps the Lord has something greater waiting in store for me than anything I can imagine now. I know many returned sister missionaries, and all of them are so spiritually strong. I do want that strength for my future family. So I am tentatively deciding to remain with my decision to serve a mission.

This is my hope for General Conference: That I will hear words to comfort my heart and calm my soul, to assure me that I am choosing correctly, despite what I'm leaving behind. I know that, if I remain faithful, the Lord will aid me in this.

This weekend is not only Conference weekend, but Easter weekend as well. My wonderful family sent me my favorite candy as a part of a "finals care package" and I intend to consume it with care so it lasts forever. This candy can only be found at Eastertime, and my family always gets it for conference. Of course, this has nothing to do with the real purpose of Easter- it's just something I'm excited about. Easter really is a celebration of our wonderful Savior and His atonement. In ASL, we learned the sign for "repent" the other day, and the thing that struck me was how similar this sign is to that for "change." The only difference is that "repent" utilizes the shape of the letter "r" rather than "x." Repentance truly is change. Though we may fail and fall down, with the aid of the Savior, we can continue to try and one day truly change. Easter is the time of year to celebrate this gift of change. The Church released a video, either last year, or a few years ago, that perfectly portrays the Easter spirit.

I think, this Easter, I will honor m Savior by beginning to index again. I haven't for a long time, probably over a year. But just this past Sunday, we had a speaker teach our third hour about family history work, including indexing, and his message touched my heart. I want to help those that came before me. And I know indexing can help me as well- we watched a video about a man who began indexing as a tool to combat addictions, and he found his way back to the Church.

So this Easter, I'm challenging you to do something different in your life. Reach out to someone new, or start a new goal. And of course, endeavor to improve, and become closer to God. All my love to all of you!