Why content doesn't matter as much as tone

I recently was given the opportunity to speak in front of the youth with whom I attend church. My topic was something of a little controversy among my peers, mostly because of their own choices. It is a topic I feel strongly about, and found that my church is (supposed to be) supportive of the position I had taken. I was terrified to give the speech, especially as it was in a style unfamiliar to me-that is, blunt almost to the point of rudeness. This is definitely not my style, as I discovered.

My terror combined with blunt words came off as anger, apparently, and the only result I've seen is that I no longer talk to some of the people I used to be good friends with. This was not at all my intent. Nothing that I said was wrong, nor do I in any way regret the content of my speech.

But the tone! Oh the tone would've made all the difference. If I had been gentler perhaps, more true to myself, it would have come easier and reached more ears. It certainly would have been less of a burden on me, if not on my audience. If I could redo it, oh how much better it would be.

The point of this anecdote is that sometimes what you say is not as important as how you say it. (What you say is still very important!) Often, however, I've found my good impression of people has dulled because of how they said certain things, that, if expressed in a different manner, would only have improved their standing.

This has happened multiple times with a friend of mine-in fact, my best friend. I have a hard time confiding in others, and when I do, I don't want to be told straight off the bat that I'm wrong. Sure, maybe it's an unreasonable concern that's bothering me, but it often has its root in a deeper problem. I have stopped confiding in this friend because she has told me multiple times that my problems are dumb, that I'm being dumb-not what you want to hear in the midst of an emotional crisis.

Now, why is this bothering me? She is right, sometimes, sure, but that's not the problem. If she had first comforted me, and then in a gentle tone explained why my problem was unfounded, my reaction would have been entirely different. Same content (you're being unreasonable), but different tone (patient and loving vs brusque).

These stories perfectly illustrate the importance of tone. It is not enough to be right if you are not heard, and it is difficult to be heard if your tone is not kind.

If I could redo that speech, I would in a heartbeat, with the same content but with a better tone- more loving and understanding. If I could change one thing in my relationship with my friend it would be that one thing-I would love it if she'd understand, and be patient in her tone.

What we say is often overshadowed by how we say it- a picture does speak a thousand words. If only all the words we spoke were kinder ones!

What I would say to my friends in relationships

You don't want to get into this. It's a mess. What you're doing will lead to heartbreak. And it's your heart that will be broken. I know how you feel, "it'll be fine, they're great people" and they are! But at this time in your life there's so much going on that it likely won't last. At this point, we're just in high school (well I'm almost out. But you're not!) So much is changing, especially people. You are risking your heart and your trust on something and someone that ultimately will change, likely drastically.

Don't you know I've been where you are? I know how it is, how strong the emotions are, as well as the chemicals. I know what you want-I wanted it too.

But to fall in high school also means you'll hit bottom. Hard.

Yeah, we're talking heartbreak. Gut-wrenching pain and ages of regret. You're probably thinking that they'd never do that, but you don't know. They may have never intended to, but that's the scary thing about dating is you either get married or break up, and commitment is not a common trend.

It only is worse if your relationship was also physical to any degree. The easiest heartbreak I had was over a relationship that was mostly internet based. Any kind of touch creates a deeper attachment. It's like a bandaid- ever ripped one of those suckers off? The tighter they are stuck, the more it hurts.

Oh and what if they aren't who you think they are? You think they're honest, caring, but if they're looking for loopholes in your standards then they didn't care about you, not as a person. Perhaps as a body. Or as someone to boost their low self-esteem.

That's the other thing, isn't it-do you care about them or do you care that they care about you? This is a trap I fell for. In high school, there's so much insecurity. (There a song that illustrates) Everyone is growing into themselves and everything is changing. Relationships do seem to offer the illusion of stability at an ever-changing time, and a delusion of self-worth, because your significant other loves you right? What happens when you break up? Just because they're good people does not mean they're confident.

High school relationships are never for the right reasons. Never, ever date someone who you only like because you want them to like you. Never date for insecurity, and please for heaven's sake never date for stability-not happening in high school.

It may be nice to hold their hand for a few months (and maybe other stuff, ew) but the end isn't worth it. Only date when you can care about someone for who they are, and when their feelings do not affect your self-esteem. Only date to prepare for marriage, and only date people you trust. Avoid those who pressure you, who put you down, and who can't be independent.

That means wait til college. Please. It is not worth it, I cannot express how not worth it this is. Stay away from anything more than friendship-that's drama enough.

Sincerely,
Someone who cares

What People Really Look Like

I read this article in the Reader's Digest, and though the title may seem a little odd, the message is great. I especially love the last lines:

"I’ll tell you what people look like, really: They look like flames. Or like the stars on a clear night in the wilderness."

It's true, really.

Being an artist, I love to look at people as if they were art, or as if I were going to draw them, and this description of people is the most accurate I've read. The funny thing about looking at people the way I do is that they don't look like what I might predict they would. They don't look like "fat" or "thin" or "blond." They don't look like "bodies." They look like pure souls, like flames. They look beautiful, especially when they are speaking of something they love. There is a light that glows from inside a person that is visible, but only if it's looked at just right. That light is one of the most stunning things I've ever seen.

It is especially present in people's faces and eyes, in the movements they make when they speak without fear. It is indiscriminate to clothing, height, weight, or any of the physical attributes we have so long been taught to value. The only thing that matters is who they are and what they love, and it glows out of them.

This light must be the "soul." The image that comes to mind with the word "soul" for me is a ball of light, a bright vivid light, possibly with a sort of fiery thing going on. That's what people look like.

People look like poetry.

Perspective

Yesterday, I was out at my car grabbing rocks out of my trunk and placing them in my bag. As I did this, I began to wonder what anyone walking by would think. Here's this girl, grabbing rocks and putting them in her backpack. Weird.

It got me thinking about perspective, how people do things, act certain ways, and we don't always know the reason why. Often we are asked simply to accept it, or to just treat them kindly, but that does not always happen, because of a limited perspective.

This is heard most when referring to the disabled, that you just have to try to understand. However, it applies equally well to everyone in the world. Trying to understand, giving the other person a chance, works wonders.

You may think you know someone, but do you really know their story?

Negativity

It's everywhere (at least in my life). What is negativity? It's not normal sadness, it's not the stress of everyday life. Negativity as I define it is that which results from choosing to see everything in the worst light. This takes the form of gossip, of nitpicking, and of hatred of other people.

Lately I have been a victim of negativity in nearly every sense of the word-both in being negative and being affected by the mood of others. It's made my life harder. Negativity is painful to be a part of.

Why are so many people a part of it then?

I've been asking myself this for weeks. It's easy to slip into it when you're tired, I know, but some seem to live in perpetual darkness of spirit. These people- including some that I know personally- are constantly harping on about what's wrong, whether that be with other people or with situations. These people used to be some of the best people I knew.

It seems to me, after weeks of struggle, that the problem is that these people do not listen. They will not spare a single moment to think of what the other person's purpose or past might be, leading to misunderstanding and hurt on both sides. I have done this in the past, and it has lead to some of the biggest regrets of my life.

Their focus is also in the wrong place, that is, in the shadows of life, in every problem that could possibly be seen. Their eyes are dark with the shadows they look into, and their speech reflects only darkness.

Focusing on what is wrong, with no regard to the past, is a recipe for disaster.

So I am trying to beat the negativity! I am trying to open my ears, to remain optimistic, to comment on the good and hold in the bad. I am going to acknowledge only the darkness that requires acknowledging, correct only that which truly needs correcting. I am trying to focus on the light, because whatever you look at reflects in your eyes. And aren't the eyes the windows to the soul?

Things that Are Weird (part -1)

Lips are weird. They're these two strips of skin that are just a little darker than the rest. Kind of an odd shape too, especially the top one.

And yet they accomplish so much!

Think about it- these two pieces of odd-shaped, odd-colored flesh show so much of human emotion. Feeling tired? They open wide in a yawn. Happy? Smile! Annoyed? They thin and tense.

In love? Kisses.

Kisses are weird.

Such small and insignificant things, lips, yet they do so much. Isn't it funny how the smallest things have the biggest effects?

Beauty

I feel beautiful when I'm alone

Or home

Home being a place with the people that do not make me feel ugly

And by their refusal to acknowledge my ugliness

They make me think I must in some way be beautiful

I feel beautiful

When I'm not thinking about it

And then I am, suddenly, in full realization of the beauty I am a part of

It is not marred and I am in it, so I must be, have to be, somewhat beautiful

I feel beautiful when I read

The pages opening worlds to me

This is my magic, and magic is beautiful, so I must be beautiful

I feel beautiful when I see his eyes

When he looks at me in a way that makes me feel like he sees my soul

In the way of another who is beautiful

I feel beautiful when I look for other's beauty

Inevitably found in their eyes

They glow with a depth that cannot be foreign to me

Because I am like them

With eyes bright like flames or stars

Humanity is beautiful

I am human

So I am beautiful