A Letter I Wrote

*this was a letter I wrote a year or so ago to someone who meant a great deal to me. This person is known to my blog as February (see Vulnerability).*

There are moments in a person's life that they never want to forget. Moments so precious that they warm your heart for weeks afterward. You gave me one of those. Never before has someone done what you did. You held me when I was sad, and when I tried in some playful way to push you away because that's what I do, you just stayed until I was better. That meant the world to me.

When I said "you're it" you said "I don't care"and that touched me like nothing else. Never before have I known someone who understood that sometimes you can't fix what the problem is but sometimes it's enough to be held by someone who cares. Sometimes that little bit is enough. Never before have I been accepted and cared for like that. I'm so closed off about what I really worry about because I'm so tired of people trying to fix it, every time. But if there's people like you it there then I think it may not be such a bad thing to open up a little about what's important. You do leave an impression don't you.

Sometimes it's enough to just listen, to just be present, and no one seems to get that, but I think you do. You made it over my walls simply by not allowing me to push you aside like everyone else. I can't even express the gratitude I feel just because of that, though you may not have thought much of it since then.

You may never read this but thank you for showing me that not everyone tries to fix a problem. Not everyone is like that. Thanks for showing me a better way.

Child's Fingers

When I grasp my hands together tightly, fingers interlaced, they feel small. And fragile. I open them and raise them above my face. They have childlike proportions-very small, short fingers, though the long nails help them look older. They are a child's hands, a little girl grasping for attention. "Mommy, mommy!" As I look, I see my truest weakness and deepest desire-to be loved. I have only ever wanted to be loved, to feel cherished by those I care for so deeply. You'd never know though. I'm good at hiding what I feel. On the outside, I am collected, mature. But within, a child, desperately grasping at her loved ones, hoping for affection and not knowing how to show the love she feels. It's not very fair to expect so much and give so little-does that make me bad? No, I hope. Just young. Young and growing in a world that offers the opposite of what she needs. And though she has two Fathers to guide her, a mother, church leaders, still she rebels for the sake of love. But she is strong enough to end it when the one she gave all to turns out to not be what she needs. The pain is deep but she's growing, I hope. And maybe on the day when love isn't all her focus, she'll find it. She'll learn to really express it. She'll grow up. And though she'll always have a child's hands, at least she won't be a child inside.

Three Ways

In the past week or so, I've been through a lot. And there are three people who really helped me make it through. This was a hard time, and there are very few people that I trust, that I talked to. And these three helped in ways that I think everyone needs.

The first listened. She let me cry and talk it out. She allowed me to let out all my pent up emotion and hurt. She simply listened. This is so important. Today it seems most people don't listen. Rather than empathizing, they try immediately to fix the problem. They try to tell you what you're doing wrong. They judge your problem and give solutions-which can be helpful, but not all the time, and not usually for me. This person-my mother-listening to me meant a lot, because it's so rare today.

The second person didn't judge me. My best friend allowed me to simply be. With what happened, I was so afraid to open up, because it was the result of a decision I made. It would have been easy to judge, and I was scared they would. But this friend did not. She heard me out and didn't judge, like another might have.

The third protected me. I say protected, but it was kind of joking. He said he'd beat up anyone who hurt me, but really the message was that he was there to protect my heart. That meant a great deal to me.

In a way, I suppose, these three things are kind of the same. Yet they are so different as well. Because the people were different, the places we were in, the place I was in.

I guess the point is that it means so much to have friends who stand behind you, people who you can trust. And though I don't trust easily, it's hard to lose my trust once it's been gained. In this situation, I learned of three people that I can truly trust, because of how they reacted to a person in need.

My challenge is this: be that person. Love without asking, without always having to fix the problems. Love by listening, by not judging, and by protecting. You'll win people's hearts. I promise.

It's 2am and here I am
Crying over you again

Every Man's Estimation

What's this about?
Who are you and what's your purpose?
Such difficult questions for one so young
What's life all about?
It's about dreaming
It's about getting up after being knocked down again
It's about believing you matter because you do
Because every man's estimation is measured
In the eyes of himself
It's about loving when you're not
And being honest with yourself
Because who you are is not some piece of paper
And it couldn't fit on a million pieces of paper
Because how would you describe the feelings in a person's heart?
You are too complex for words
It's about understanding yourself without needing words
It's about finding that inner strength we call the soul
It's about saying "I won't quit"
It's about being you despite many voices telling you otherwise
And in the end, it's about me
What you do for me
And who you choose to be to make me love you
Sincerely,
The Future

Statue

I raise my arms up to the sky, exultant
Glorify in the beauty of the day and night
For me there is no other way
My life is to stay and honor
The earth the wind the rain the sky
And no one will break my upraised hands
Nothing can change my attitude of praise

Rain

There's beauty in the rain
There's beauty in her pain
A rhythmic soothing beating
On the drum of the earth
The drum of her soul
Rhythm like nature's heartbeat
Beating for her
Until her heart beats again
Droplets of tears and rain
Watering barren ground
Until green grows again

Heartbreak

To leave
To be left
It all hurts
To need to leave
To have to part
Also hurts
The missing hurts
The absence of what was
Awkward hurts
Talking about it
Crying alone
Still hurts
Remembering and wanting
Hurt most of all
What's past cannot be touched
And wanting to touch it
Is unbearable
But eventually it will pass
Or so I hope
Like a rainstorm
So dark and fierce
A heart starts to beat again
Blip... Blip...
Spikes on a machine
And healing begins

A Wrong Choice

We don't see the results of the path we're taking until we reach the end of the road
It's both regret and heartache
Joy and hurt
We can't know what the future will be when we reach the end of the road
So we must be careful
Follow the map and our guide
Yet sometimes we choose the wrong path and it's a shame we can't turn around
There's no dead ends, but there are rough patches
And though our guide calls out
"Don't get lost!"
We do
But our guide is there
To take us back I hope
There is scolding
But comfort, I hope
A good end to it all
I hope
Because a wrong choice for the right reasons is still wrong
And we can't unmake them now
So we look forward
Hoping and believing
That the end of the path is a little bit brighter
Than this

Unappreciated

I was recently told that I'm really really bad at opening up, that they felt unappreciated by me. Looking at myself, I do suppose it might be true. But this same person has recently inspired in me feelings of being trapped and underappreciated myself. As well as having betrayed my trust multiple times before. It was a wonder I was still close to this person, I suppose, but he was- is?- my best friend, and recently more than that but no longer.

What is it to be unappreciated? To feel unwanted, to feel unloved? Or just neglected? I believe it to be any of those and all three, but also to be something else.

Do you ever think that sometimes people expect too much? I do. They want more than you can give, time, money, love. I recently watched an episode of The Mentalist (great show) where a girl killed her sister and framed someone else. This girl, Lindsay if I recall correctly, thought that now the way was open for the man who loved her sister to fall in love with her. Her unrealistic expectations caused a lot of grief and in fact, and most importantly, caused her to feel....take a guess...unappreciated.

Usually it doesn't happen on such a large scale. Sometimes it's just that simple expecting of someone you care about, expecting them to give more than they can, and when they don't live up to that, blaming them for not trying hard enough. Having those expectations can easily make a person feel unappreciated when that could have simply accepted what they were given with joy, realizing that the other did not have to give anything and in some cases shouldn't have.

The unappreciated feelings, however, run rampant on both sides of this equation. What about the person whom these expectations were placed on? Who struggles under the weight of trying to meet them, when their every effort is responded to with "not good enough," what about them? Like a spoiled child thrust into poverty and the mother who tries to feed him, that's how it feels. You give all you can from where you are and are rewarded with temper tantrums, bowls of carefully bought food spilled and scattered because it's "not good enough." To be there feels like taking a hammer to a glass replica of your soul and this person stepping up to say "let me help." And they hammer you to pieces with the weight of your failure to meet their expectations, your inability to give them what they want.

Sometimes though, expectations are realistic. Sometimes the other person isn't trying. The key to knowing, I suppose, is careful evaluation of both people, their efforts and expectations.

Feeling unappreciated is a genuine thing, and it hurts. It doesn't matter which side of it you're on. I know it, having felt it myself. I left because I felt trapped and unappreciated, because I looked at the situation and it was wrong. Even then, it hurts. I gave someone everything and broke myself on their expectations because it wasn't enough. It hurts but it was right, and I don't regret it. Someday it will work out. Someday it will be worth pushing through. I have faith in that.

How do you trust when you only get hurt?

Blog Socks :D

One of Those Faith in Humanity Posts

You've read posts like this and so have I. Yet they never fail to touch me in some way and remind me why I believe humanity is inherently good.

Yesterday I was pulling out at a light when my car decided to have problems. Turns out my little ol' stick shift no longer wanted to go into gear. Well that's obviously an issue, because I was at a light and the people behind me had no way around.

Of course I began to panic a little, having no idea what to do, and now my sister and I were going to be late for our lunch with Grandma. I figured we'd call our mom and she could come help us or something, but that didn't help the prior behind me, though I did remember to turn on my hazard lights.

Luckily for us, a construction worker across the street noticed our trouble. He came over quickly, figured out what was wrong, cleared a path for the poor lady stuck behind me (by now she'd missed probably three rotations of the light) and helped me and my sister flip a u-turn so we could pull over on the side of the road. He managed all this in maybe give minutes and all very kindly, with a smile on his face and patience as he shoved my little blue car down the street.

About five minutes later, my sister and I pulled up to the same light in our family's minivan. This construction worker was still standing there, and I believe we had a small moment of mutual amusement imagining what might happen if this car broke too.

So that's my Faith in Humanity post. That nice man saved me a lot of stress and panic, and his kind spirit and wide smile despite the labor and the heat of the day made the whole situation almost amusing. People like that make the world spin round, I think.

:)