I just finished scrolling back through my entire blog, every single one of the 150 posts I've written since the spring. It was fascinating to watch myself grow, to watch the blog grow. I think my writing style has changed- possibly become a little more refined? (I found a couple typos too, from when I could only blog from my phone, but don't go looking for those, I don't have time to fix them)
It's amazing what can happen in just a short time- a little over six months. In that six months, I graduated high school, had my first official relationship (and watched it end in disaster), lost most of my old friends over certain stupid choices I made, moved to Provo, started at BYU, made new friends that I'm determined not to lose, and now I trust them more than anyone from before.
So much growing up can happen in such a short time. I watched myself grow, become more of an adult and less of a high school student, less of a child. I am less lost. I feel like my life is finally back in tune with His will, and it's going well. All this in less than six months. And before that, it's easy to see what a child I was- but a child with ideals, with potential. And I'm slowly, ever so slowly getting there. Finally.
I'm preparing for a mission, and watching my friends prepare as well. It's exciting, but a little bit melancholy, because already I know how much I will miss them. I already know that I'll have to write them every week, faithfully, along with the two missionaries that I'm writing already. I'm going to have to learn to type in double time before I leave on my mission!
There's still a lot of things I have to fix about myself. My heart is still pretty stubborn and bull-headed. My brain still is too overwhelmed and confused sometimes. I procrastinate (like right now, when I need to eat lunch and go take a test. But I don't have class until 3p). I still get so annoyed. And I've gotten sassier since coming here, still deciding whether I like it or not. I'm irresponsible when it comes to my own health (stayed up until 12:30 last night just to talk to people, but I wasn't late to class!)
But my heart is less stubborn than it was. My brain is better under stress than before. I have so much more to do that I'm starting to think the occasional blogging break is necessary for my health. And I actually studied for the test. I'm learning to tame my annoyance, and I've got a couple great examples of patience to follow. I'm learning to be a better friend, little by little.
So I'll keep walking down this dusty road. I'll have to read back through everything in another six months and see what happens.
Friday, October 31, 2014
the picture they took captured the distance between them
as if the camera knew
it saw that awkward space
and the pause before they touched, reluctance
in its surest sense
killed their love before it even started
too scared to carry it forward
they left it behind on the ground
tangled up hearts and the strings of a guitar
the one he used to write songs for her that he never sang
and the letters she wrote him
poetry ripped and scattered among the debris
never read, never known, never caring again
this is the truest love story I know
as if the camera knew
it saw that awkward space
and the pause before they touched, reluctance
in its surest sense
killed their love before it even started
too scared to carry it forward
they left it behind on the ground
tangled up hearts and the strings of a guitar
the one he used to write songs for her that he never sang
and the letters she wrote him
poetry ripped and scattered among the debris
never read, never known, never caring again
this is the truest love story I know
I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just A Little Unwell
Last night I realized something interesting. Granted, it was 12:30 and I'd been up late talking to my friends, but it's a pretty deep insight nonetheless.
It started with the realization that people who have never met me, but read my blog, or people who in the future might read my journals, would probably think "this chick is pretty pathetic." And they wouldn't be wrong.
But they also wouldn't be right.
Because I am a lot stronger than you could tell from what I write.
Last night, I had the thought that if strength and weakness had personalities, Weak would be an extreme introvert and Strong an equally extreme extrovert (this has nothing to do with the value of being introverted or extroverted at all), because strength is really only seen by others. And weakness is only seen by ourselves. Not exclusively, of course. But don't we all keep our weaknesses hidden inside and put our strengths on display?
But when I write, I'm writing from that inner part of me, where the weaknesses hide. Where my thoughts scream at me, confusing me and making it impossible to focus. My writing comes from the darker places in my heart more often than not, and so my weakness is on display. It's how I get my head in order, getting weakness under control and then straightening my mask of strength.
Yet my strengths do not get equal display room in my writing. Last night, I had the thought that this was because of the extroversion of strength. We focus so much on keeping it on display that we become unable to describe it ourselves. Have you ever been asked what you're good at? It's a hard question to answer, isn't it? Because we want to seem humble and not prideful, and because we don't recognize much of our own strength. Our mind lives inside us in the place where we've hidden weakness, and it peeks out through strength, like wearing a Halloween mask (holiday appropriate references are important). It can see glimpses of the mask, but never the whole face - only others can do that.
So if you came up to me one day and said "Erin, you're pathetic" I'd tell you that you aren't wrong. You just also aren't completely right.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Blind Painter's Poetry
In the quiet of the forest
A single man walks alone
The moon refuses to light his way
He remembers the woods
As they were in the spring
Bursting with light and color
He remembers when his path was easy
And the way was straight and sure
Before the sun set, a terrible time
Now it is dark and the colors obscured
Turning gray as time goes by
Only words are left to him now
The colors sang to him
What seems like so long ago
And now they've fallen silent
A single man walks alone
The moon refuses to light his way
He remembers the woods
As they were in the spring
Bursting with light and color
He remembers when his path was easy
And the way was straight and sure
Before the sun set, a terrible time
Now it is dark and the colors obscured
Turning gray as time goes by
Only words are left to him now
The colors sang to him
What seems like so long ago
And now they've fallen silent
The Blind Painter
Well I've posted a lot of poetry on this blog. But I've never posted any stories. Thought I might try it out. Let me know what you think!
The accident still haunted him, even now.
Screeching tires in front of him, but he still couldn't see the car.
He sat in the hospital bed, white sheets tucked around him.
The metal wailed as it tore apart. Sirens split the air, the lights stopping nearby.
Pillows cushioned his spine, thin ones. He'd been forced to ask for more.
Yelling fills the air. Everything blurs together in his mind, gray and hazy.
The room is so silent, leaving him with only his thoughts
Wailing of sirens is all he can hear now.
The bandages cut grooves into his skin, turning it an angry red.
The metal of the car is oddly twisted around him. He can barely move, and his head is bleeding. He can feel it.
He shakes his head as if to clear it but the memories won't go away.
Metal shrieks and is torn apart again, though this time it is to save a life, not to threaten it.
His fists clench in the pristine sheets, spreading wrinkles across their smoothness.
He turns his head and chokes on the pain. He can feel his life dripping down his face.
Everything is white here. There's no variation, except when his bandages are changed and his new scars stand out. Not that he can see them. Not anymore.
"Charlie?" A door opens, then clicks shut. He turns his head away. "Charlie, please."
He hasn't spoken since the accident, It's understandable that she is concerned. He focuses on the rough sheets under his fingers, now smoothing the wrinkles again. His hands are methodical and gentle, precise. Each wrinkle is tugged and tucked back into place. A hand touches his face and he starts, tensing. Gentle fingers brush the bandages. His hands clench again, briefly, wrinkling what he had just made smooth.
"Miranda. Please." Slowly, he pushes her hand away. He can feel his fingers beginning to tremble. He can no longer hold them steady. "Just tell me."
"They…the doctors….they tried all they could. They did everything they knew how."
"And?"
Silence.
He hated silence and hates it still. It's like the absence of color, a blank canvas. It is worth nothing, conveys nothing. But this silence is laden with words unsaid. He knows what she isn't saying and he loathes those words more than the pressure of quiet.
"You aren't angry?" The chair creaks as she shifts position. He can picture her, crossing her legs, trying to occupy a smaller space. The force of the news she bore would bow her thin shoulders.
She didn't understand. He was angry, yes, raging against a cruel world. His heart was filled with the pain and power of his fury. But it was cold as ice. The last times there had been bad news, he'd screamed, yelled, thrown things. The nurses had been forced to restrain him. He'd had fire. But fire was for the hopeful. And he had no hope.
He did not speak, but turned his head away. His ears caught a gentle sigh. The hospital mattress sank beneath the weight of a second person, and her warmth spread around him as her arms embraced him. She was soft, small, and he smelled her perfume- like cinnamon. It smelled like home. Finally, he sobbed. He cried, wept, in her arms, and finally offered up one last desperate plea.
"How can a painter paint without eyes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The accident still haunted him, even now.
Screeching tires in front of him, but he still couldn't see the car.
He sat in the hospital bed, white sheets tucked around him.
The metal wailed as it tore apart. Sirens split the air, the lights stopping nearby.
Pillows cushioned his spine, thin ones. He'd been forced to ask for more.
Yelling fills the air. Everything blurs together in his mind, gray and hazy.
The room is so silent, leaving him with only his thoughts
Wailing of sirens is all he can hear now.
The bandages cut grooves into his skin, turning it an angry red.
The metal of the car is oddly twisted around him. He can barely move, and his head is bleeding. He can feel it.
He shakes his head as if to clear it but the memories won't go away.
Metal shrieks and is torn apart again, though this time it is to save a life, not to threaten it.
His fists clench in the pristine sheets, spreading wrinkles across their smoothness.
He turns his head and chokes on the pain. He can feel his life dripping down his face.
Everything is white here. There's no variation, except when his bandages are changed and his new scars stand out. Not that he can see them. Not anymore.
"Charlie?" A door opens, then clicks shut. He turns his head away. "Charlie, please."
He hasn't spoken since the accident, It's understandable that she is concerned. He focuses on the rough sheets under his fingers, now smoothing the wrinkles again. His hands are methodical and gentle, precise. Each wrinkle is tugged and tucked back into place. A hand touches his face and he starts, tensing. Gentle fingers brush the bandages. His hands clench again, briefly, wrinkling what he had just made smooth.
"Miranda. Please." Slowly, he pushes her hand away. He can feel his fingers beginning to tremble. He can no longer hold them steady. "Just tell me."
"They…the doctors….they tried all they could. They did everything they knew how."
"And?"
Silence.
He hated silence and hates it still. It's like the absence of color, a blank canvas. It is worth nothing, conveys nothing. But this silence is laden with words unsaid. He knows what she isn't saying and he loathes those words more than the pressure of quiet.
"You aren't angry?" The chair creaks as she shifts position. He can picture her, crossing her legs, trying to occupy a smaller space. The force of the news she bore would bow her thin shoulders.
She didn't understand. He was angry, yes, raging against a cruel world. His heart was filled with the pain and power of his fury. But it was cold as ice. The last times there had been bad news, he'd screamed, yelled, thrown things. The nurses had been forced to restrain him. He'd had fire. But fire was for the hopeful. And he had no hope.
He did not speak, but turned his head away. His ears caught a gentle sigh. The hospital mattress sank beneath the weight of a second person, and her warmth spread around him as her arms embraced him. She was soft, small, and he smelled her perfume- like cinnamon. It smelled like home. Finally, he sobbed. He cried, wept, in her arms, and finally offered up one last desperate plea.
"How can a painter paint without eyes?"
This is the first time I've sat down since 11:30.....it's a good thing I love my job.
Also, you know what's horrible? That feeling when you're finally clicking with someone, and you think that you will be able to be really good friends BUT you're terrified that you're going to scare them off by being creepy or something. Trying too hard. That's the worst feeling. Not the clicking and the being great friends, but the fear that you're going to scare them off.
Also, you know what's horrible? That feeling when you're finally clicking with someone, and you think that you will be able to be really good friends BUT you're terrified that you're going to scare them off by being creepy or something. Trying too hard. That's the worst feeling. Not the clicking and the being great friends, but the fear that you're going to scare them off.
Wasting Time
This is a time filling blog before my shift starts in 27 minutes. So it'll be pretty disconnected and rambling, but what else is a girl gonna do?
Hmmm.....what to write about.
Crazy friends. I have a lot of those. They're still wonderful though, and I think I wouldn't love them as much if they were what most people consider normal. (even if at least one of them has said she ships me with all the guys). They do push me to be better and to try new things. We did this fun photo/video shoot the other day for a project that Heather wanted to do. She's making a video interpretation of a poem that Ben wrote. Some of the pictures are up on her blog now (and check out her poetry too, it's beautiful). My friend Matthew and I got to act all coupley, though we aren't a thing. It was really fun to get to be creative. And also Heather is one of very few people who somehow manages to get pictures of me that I actually like. Chances are these days, if I put up a picture of me, she took it. Incredibly talented.
Halloween is tomorrow! Isn't that just crazy. I'm going to be a Dalmatian, Heather is Cruella de Vil, and Matthew is a hippie. I don't know about anyone else as of right now. But we're havng a party and there will be pictures.
Also, food for Halloween parties is expensive. I spent over $20 on stuff last night, and considering we only had to buy a very small amount of stuff (we have most of what we need between me and Matthew) that's a lot of money. Especially for a college kid. But it's totally worth it. And we're going to attempt to make candy corn! I'll try to get pictures of that too.
You know what's nice? Inspiring people. People who make you want to be better. My friends are like that too. They make me want to be smarter, more spiritual, just a better person. Just so I can come equal to how awesome they are. It's been really amazing to watch as just about everyone in our little group prepares to go on a mission. I do wish we did more study/prep for that together, at least every once in a while. But I'm also lazy and won't plan it, so it is kind of my fault that we haven't yet. Maybe it could be a Sunday thing. I'll consider proposing it.
Speaking of being lazy, it's also a great thing to have friends that you can tease mercilessly and have them tease you back and neither of you are ever actually really offended because you know it's just joking. (At least I hope that's the case). So shout-out to Matthew who teases me about everything. It's pretty fun, actually.
Everything is just falling into place, you see. I can see where my life is going to go, generally. There's a few things I'm unsure on, and a little confusion, but it's decreasing day by day. I know where I'm going and who I want to be and that's amazing to me, after being unsure for so long. If this is what growing up feels like, then I'm glad to not be Peter Pan. Growing up is not bad at all.
One of those confusions, oddly enough, is my major. I've wanted to be an English major basically since emerging from the womb, but being here, I'm discovering more of a passion for fine arts. But it will be worked out.
Anyway, twelve minutes until my shift. Hmm....I only need five to get ready and clock in and stuff. What else is on my mind.
Good hugs. I love good genuine hugs. Not necessarily spine-popping, but not super weak and lazy. Just genuine real caring hugs. I love those so much. They make my day, no lie. But also quality time (love languages coming out here). I love being able to spend hours with people without getting bored. Once I said that it was impossible to click with anyone so quickly that you could immediately just talk to them for hours, and I'm happy to say that I was wrong. Case in point: the people I spend time with. For hours. Not bored. Specific case: last night's shopping trip for the Halloween party. And whenever Heather comes over. I guess that's two cases.
Anyway, better get going- eight minutes until my shift! Might as well be a bit early
Have a great day and don't forget to be grateful :)
Hmmm.....what to write about.
Crazy friends. I have a lot of those. They're still wonderful though, and I think I wouldn't love them as much if they were what most people consider normal. (even if at least one of them has said she ships me with all the guys). They do push me to be better and to try new things. We did this fun photo/video shoot the other day for a project that Heather wanted to do. She's making a video interpretation of a poem that Ben wrote. Some of the pictures are up on her blog now (and check out her poetry too, it's beautiful). My friend Matthew and I got to act all coupley, though we aren't a thing. It was really fun to get to be creative. And also Heather is one of very few people who somehow manages to get pictures of me that I actually like. Chances are these days, if I put up a picture of me, she took it. Incredibly talented.
Halloween is tomorrow! Isn't that just crazy. I'm going to be a Dalmatian, Heather is Cruella de Vil, and Matthew is a hippie. I don't know about anyone else as of right now. But we're havng a party and there will be pictures.
Also, food for Halloween parties is expensive. I spent over $20 on stuff last night, and considering we only had to buy a very small amount of stuff (we have most of what we need between me and Matthew) that's a lot of money. Especially for a college kid. But it's totally worth it. And we're going to attempt to make candy corn! I'll try to get pictures of that too.
You know what's nice? Inspiring people. People who make you want to be better. My friends are like that too. They make me want to be smarter, more spiritual, just a better person. Just so I can come equal to how awesome they are. It's been really amazing to watch as just about everyone in our little group prepares to go on a mission. I do wish we did more study/prep for that together, at least every once in a while. But I'm also lazy and won't plan it, so it is kind of my fault that we haven't yet. Maybe it could be a Sunday thing. I'll consider proposing it.
Speaking of being lazy, it's also a great thing to have friends that you can tease mercilessly and have them tease you back and neither of you are ever actually really offended because you know it's just joking. (At least I hope that's the case). So shout-out to Matthew who teases me about everything. It's pretty fun, actually.
Everything is just falling into place, you see. I can see where my life is going to go, generally. There's a few things I'm unsure on, and a little confusion, but it's decreasing day by day. I know where I'm going and who I want to be and that's amazing to me, after being unsure for so long. If this is what growing up feels like, then I'm glad to not be Peter Pan. Growing up is not bad at all.
One of those confusions, oddly enough, is my major. I've wanted to be an English major basically since emerging from the womb, but being here, I'm discovering more of a passion for fine arts. But it will be worked out.
Anyway, twelve minutes until my shift. Hmm....I only need five to get ready and clock in and stuff. What else is on my mind.
Good hugs. I love good genuine hugs. Not necessarily spine-popping, but not super weak and lazy. Just genuine real caring hugs. I love those so much. They make my day, no lie. But also quality time (love languages coming out here). I love being able to spend hours with people without getting bored. Once I said that it was impossible to click with anyone so quickly that you could immediately just talk to them for hours, and I'm happy to say that I was wrong. Case in point: the people I spend time with. For hours. Not bored. Specific case: last night's shopping trip for the Halloween party. And whenever Heather comes over. I guess that's two cases.
Anyway, better get going- eight minutes until my shift! Might as well be a bit early
Have a great day and don't forget to be grateful :)
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
This Article From Facebook
Not just any article. This article. I liked it a lot, especially number three!
This represents a lot of my philosophy, and I'm proud to say I feel like I have much more credibility now that it's been confirmed by Elder Holland.
I write about this topic so much, I've worn it out. But the fact is, it's on my mind a lot, mostly because I'm absolutely insane. But also because it's my biggest dream to get married, and consequently my biggest fear is that I never will. And insecurity, blah, blah, blah. All the usual, it's just nuts.
It also is on my mind because in my apartment, one girl is engaged, one is practically engaged, and a third has a boyfriend. So I'm kind of surrounded by it. All the time. And naturally it then occupies a lot of my thoughts.
Anyway, the point is, I side with Elder Holland on this! All of the article, not just my favorite one (#3 in case that wasn't clear earlier.....). So read it! Apostles are awesome.
This represents a lot of my philosophy, and I'm proud to say I feel like I have much more credibility now that it's been confirmed by Elder Holland.
I write about this topic so much, I've worn it out. But the fact is, it's on my mind a lot, mostly because I'm absolutely insane. But also because it's my biggest dream to get married, and consequently my biggest fear is that I never will. And insecurity, blah, blah, blah. All the usual, it's just nuts.
It also is on my mind because in my apartment, one girl is engaged, one is practically engaged, and a third has a boyfriend. So I'm kind of surrounded by it. All the time. And naturally it then occupies a lot of my thoughts.
Anyway, the point is, I side with Elder Holland on this! All of the article, not just my favorite one (#3 in case that wasn't clear earlier.....). So read it! Apostles are awesome.
Public Service Announcement Pt 2
Okay, this is part where I tell a crazy story.
Yesterday I passed out.
In the middle of my shift at work.
It's a good thing that the even we were catering was a double-sided buffet rather than one where we serve, or it would've been even more embarrassing. My vision just went dark and I fell over. It was a weird experience, to be sure, and a first for me. They had to call the paramedics, and then the BYU campus police drove me home, with express instructions to skip my last two classes and rest. So I sat on the couch, watched Netflix, ate, and went to bed early. Today, I'm feeling mostly better, and hopefully will be able to make it through the day without any craziness.
Using my 20/20 hindsight, I can see all the warning signs that led up to this event, and they were all mentioned in yesterday's Public Service Announcement. Stress, not enough sleep, not eating right, not relaxing....all of the above. I can actually look back and watch the downhill slide: slowly becoming more scatterbrained and forgetful, feeling more busy and more stressed but actually getting less done, eating less, forgetting to eat (that happens) and just general increasing of all of these over time.
The worst and also funniest part of this is that I keep telling a friend of mine to get enough sleep and be good because he thought he might be coming down with a cold.
That's the crux of the issue- though I am focused inwardly a lot (being an introvert), when it comes to taking care of people, I tend to forget that I'm not invincible. Don't do that.
So! Public service announcement part 2: Take care of yourself too. It's good to try and help others (even if you're horrible at it and probably come off as smothering or something) but don't forget that you need to be taken care of too.
Have a wonderful Tuesday :)
Yesterday I passed out.
In the middle of my shift at work.
It's a good thing that the even we were catering was a double-sided buffet rather than one where we serve, or it would've been even more embarrassing. My vision just went dark and I fell over. It was a weird experience, to be sure, and a first for me. They had to call the paramedics, and then the BYU campus police drove me home, with express instructions to skip my last two classes and rest. So I sat on the couch, watched Netflix, ate, and went to bed early. Today, I'm feeling mostly better, and hopefully will be able to make it through the day without any craziness.
Using my 20/20 hindsight, I can see all the warning signs that led up to this event, and they were all mentioned in yesterday's Public Service Announcement. Stress, not enough sleep, not eating right, not relaxing....all of the above. I can actually look back and watch the downhill slide: slowly becoming more scatterbrained and forgetful, feeling more busy and more stressed but actually getting less done, eating less, forgetting to eat (that happens) and just general increasing of all of these over time.
The worst and also funniest part of this is that I keep telling a friend of mine to get enough sleep and be good because he thought he might be coming down with a cold.
That's the crux of the issue- though I am focused inwardly a lot (being an introvert), when it comes to taking care of people, I tend to forget that I'm not invincible. Don't do that.
So! Public service announcement part 2: Take care of yourself too. It's good to try and help others (even if you're horrible at it and probably come off as smothering or something) but don't forget that you need to be taken care of too.
Have a wonderful Tuesday :)
Monday, October 27, 2014
Public Service Announcement
Take care of yourself
Eat right
Sleep well
Don't get too busy or stressed
Because if you don't do these things, you may pass out at inconvenient times. And getting out of class is not enough justification for it.
So take care of yourself!
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Sunday Series: Light of Christ
"Wherefore, I would speak unto you that are of the church, that are the peaceable followers of Christ, and that have obtained a sufficient hope by which ye can enter into the rest of the Lord, from this time henceforth until ye shall rest with him in heaven." (Moroni 7:3)
In Sunday School today, we were talking about the Atonement and the light of Christ, and someone mentioned that perhaps the Atonement is the source of the light of Christ. How they are connected is what this post is about.
What if, he said, the light of Christ is an expression of our knowledge of what Christ did for us? Even if it's not something we consciously know. Our heart knows, and our brain knows. And the light of that knowledge shines out through us.
This seems like it could be true. After all, everyone is born with the light of Christ, and it can be amplified through righteousness.
So the light of Christ could truly be a rejoicing of our souls because they know they can be saved. What a wonderful thought, don't you think?
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Battery Life
What would you do if my battery ran low? ran out?
If my screen stopped glowing
And I failed to receive your signals?
What if I broke down for the last time?
Would you see me breaking? cracking?
Humans can't buy their hearts protective casings
It's funny how we panic and cry at the loss of a phone
Rather than paying attention to the people
If your battery ran low, I would allow you to recharge
Sleeping quietly, breathing softly, dreaming
If your screen stopped glowing, I would be more heartbroken
Over the loss of your shining eyes
To lose you is a greater loss
Than any cord or battery life can try to replace
To miss you is so much more
Than just not having a device in my pocket
We live in a world of battery life and cords tethering us to walls
Glowing screens and disconnection
More emotion over loss of signal than loss of health
We live in a world of digitality
There's a reason people are bigger than TVs
And that the world is large enough to fit us all
It's unlimited, that reality out there, holding more than is imaginable
How could we choose the world that fits in a woman's pocket?
I think we have lost some of the most important signals
In our search for bars and battery life
There's a lot of beauty in the world
Away from these tiny screens
In a world of digitality, we have to choose
To live in the grand world with its wonders set before us
Or in a pretender, a faux, a failed clone
I choose humanity
If my screen stopped glowing
And I failed to receive your signals?
What if I broke down for the last time?
Would you see me breaking? cracking?
Humans can't buy their hearts protective casings
It's funny how we panic and cry at the loss of a phone
Rather than paying attention to the people
If your battery ran low, I would allow you to recharge
Sleeping quietly, breathing softly, dreaming
If your screen stopped glowing, I would be more heartbroken
Over the loss of your shining eyes
To lose you is a greater loss
Than any cord or battery life can try to replace
To miss you is so much more
Than just not having a device in my pocket
We live in a world of battery life and cords tethering us to walls
Glowing screens and disconnection
More emotion over loss of signal than loss of health
We live in a world of digitality
There's a reason people are bigger than TVs
And that the world is large enough to fit us all
It's unlimited, that reality out there, holding more than is imaginable
How could we choose the world that fits in a woman's pocket?
I think we have lost some of the most important signals
In our search for bars and battery life
There's a lot of beauty in the world
Away from these tiny screens
In a world of digitality, we have to choose
To live in the grand world with its wonders set before us
Or in a pretender, a faux, a failed clone
I choose humanity
"True Love"
I don't believe in soul mates
And possibly not "true love"
At least not like the movies
With someone destined from above
But I do believe in effort
And in compatibility
I believe in the loves we choose
Not hokey-pokey destiny
I don't believe in "meant to be"
But I do believe in "find a way"
I believe you choose who you're with
And you work to keep them every day
I guess that what I'm saying is
No one is "meant to be"
Because if everything is predetermined
No one is truly free
But isn't it more beautiful?
That we get to choose our love?
It makes it much more special
Than some mandate from above
I don't believe in finding "the One"
That is mine without any strife
But I do believe in finding one
To be with all my life
And possibly not "true love"
At least not like the movies
With someone destined from above
But I do believe in effort
And in compatibility
I believe in the loves we choose
Not hokey-pokey destiny
I don't believe in "meant to be"
But I do believe in "find a way"
I believe you choose who you're with
And you work to keep them every day
I guess that what I'm saying is
No one is "meant to be"
Because if everything is predetermined
No one is truly free
But isn't it more beautiful?
That we get to choose our love?
It makes it much more special
Than some mandate from above
I don't believe in finding "the One"
That is mine without any strife
But I do believe in finding one
To be with all my life
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
My Favorite People
Today was a good day. I may have not gotten enough sleep, and I may have had to cram for a science test. But it was still a great day. Why? Because of these guys.
They're my favorite people (including those who are not yet pictured because I have no pictures of them).
They're great friends, kind and funny and present. I got to see or talk to pretty much all of them throughout the day today. That was awesome. And we had a movie night tonight, in my small living room, and we tried to fit everyone onto/ in front of one couch. That was an adventure. It was at that point I realized how great we have it. We're very well off and I'm lucky to know these people, to have them as friends, and be comfortable around them. Hard to believe it's only been two months since I moved out!
And to close, here's an example of just how great my friends can be. (These pictures are actually the point of this entire post)
Monday, October 20, 2014
The Sun Will Rise
Can you be down-to-earth solid and still a dreamer?
Can you know pain and heartache and still work to find love?
That's what I want to know.
Is it possible to be broken but healing, hurt but not skeptical?
I hope so. Because the brightest future I can imagine includes all of these things. The future I want includes a family and all the accompanying difficulties. It includes falling in love, and having children, whether biologically or through adoption. And if I let myself become dark, become broken and skeptical and not optimistic, I'll lose that dream. And I'll go back to a place I don't want to go to.
I've got some stuff in my past. Nothing near as crazy as some people. I have been a hypocrite, a liar, depressed, and prideful. I have been innocent and not-so-innocent. I have wanted the wrong things and ignored the Spirit. I have been bullheaded and stupid, and weak. I have given in to peer pressure, hurt, and blamed. I'm not the best person. And that scares me, to think that I was (and am) like that sometimes, and that I could slip back into it.
But I can become better. That's the best gift God can give me- I don't always have to be that girl. I don't have to be trapped in darkness and pride and pain.
So I have made a vow, and I make it every day. To keep smiling, to keep looking up. To dream of better things to come. Because we all can find love that doesn't die, because it's worth keeping alive. I believe that- I have to believe that. We all can find joy. I can become a better person than I am today. I can be more caring, more discerning, less caught up in my own head. I will not be lost on this path. And I will walk forward believing in good things to come, and working my way there. Down-to-earth and working towards a dream.
No matter how incredibly difficult it is.
Life gets brighter the further you get down the road, I think. Though it might be harder, it is brighter.
We all can find a brighter future.
Can you know pain and heartache and still work to find love?
That's what I want to know.
Is it possible to be broken but healing, hurt but not skeptical?
I hope so. Because the brightest future I can imagine includes all of these things. The future I want includes a family and all the accompanying difficulties. It includes falling in love, and having children, whether biologically or through adoption. And if I let myself become dark, become broken and skeptical and not optimistic, I'll lose that dream. And I'll go back to a place I don't want to go to.
I've got some stuff in my past. Nothing near as crazy as some people. I have been a hypocrite, a liar, depressed, and prideful. I have been innocent and not-so-innocent. I have wanted the wrong things and ignored the Spirit. I have been bullheaded and stupid, and weak. I have given in to peer pressure, hurt, and blamed. I'm not the best person. And that scares me, to think that I was (and am) like that sometimes, and that I could slip back into it.
But I can become better. That's the best gift God can give me- I don't always have to be that girl. I don't have to be trapped in darkness and pride and pain.
So I have made a vow, and I make it every day. To keep smiling, to keep looking up. To dream of better things to come. Because we all can find love that doesn't die, because it's worth keeping alive. I believe that- I have to believe that. We all can find joy. I can become a better person than I am today. I can be more caring, more discerning, less caught up in my own head. I will not be lost on this path. And I will walk forward believing in good things to come, and working my way there. Down-to-earth and working towards a dream.
No matter how incredibly difficult it is.
Life gets brighter the further you get down the road, I think. Though it might be harder, it is brighter.
We all can find a brighter future.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Sunday Series: The Concept of Worship
I had a thought today, about what "worship" actually is. It is, of course, important, but what does it really mean? What are its connotations, and why do we do it (besides that God has commanded us to)? Worship has always been a very abstract idea in my mind, some nebulous word describing the method by which we pay homage to God. And yet today, worship was on my mind, and I wanted to know what it really meant. So I looked the definition up.
I especially love definition #3, specially since it most easily expresses the ideas that ran through my mind today.
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| This is the definition of "worship" from dictionary.com |
I especially love definition #3, specially since it most easily expresses the ideas that ran through my mind today.
"Adoring reverence or regard"
By this definition, we worship a lot more things than just God. We adore a lot of things in this world. But the most important connection to this definition (in my opinion) is parents. Do we not all treat our parents with adoring reverence or regard? (outside of certain extenuating circumstances such as abuse). We love our parents and look up to them. I know I certainly do.
And then, with that connection established, is it not notable that God has asked us to call Him Father?
What, then, is worship, than the regard of a child to their parent? An all-powerful, all-knowing, infinite parent, for sure, but the idea is much the same.
Young children absolutely adore their parents. They hang onto their every word, and everything that their parents tell them must be right. Have you ever heard the phrase "That's what Daddy/Mommy told me!" (or variations on it)? Young children do regard their parents with "adoring reverence [and] regard."
“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy might, mind, and strength; and in the name of Jesus Christ thou shalt serve him” (D&C 59:5)
“O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the Lord our maker. For he is our God; and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand” (Ps. 95:6–7)
Don't these scriptures seem to say the same things? Love God, view Him with the greatest reverence, as a mighty Being, and someone infinite, eternal, and wonderful. View Him as a young child views their parents. And have we not been told to become like little children?
I feel like I better understand worship now. I understand what it means, and why we worship. He is our Father- He is everything we can become and so much more than we are now. And we view Him with adoring reverence and regard, for He is our everything.
Sunday Series: Leaven And Statistics
"Another parable spake he unto them; The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened." (Matthew 13:33)
This scripture is one of Jesus' parables from his ministry. It seems to be saying that we are to be the leaven of the earth- at least that is what I get out of this scripture. And leaven makes bread rise and become better. What a wonderful concept- that we are to make the world a better place. This is our mission, as members of the Church, to make the world a better place. There are multiple ways to understand this principle, and this is the one that I thought of today.
In statistics, there are points called "outliers" that fall outside of the overall pattern of the data (the technical way to find it uses the median and interquartile range, but we won't go into that now). Suffice it to say that the outlier breaks the pattern by sitting either far above or below the majority of the data.
These outliers affect the mean (the average value of the data set). In fact, they pull the mean towards them. Even just one point can change the average of the entire data series. It has to do with the method used to find the mean, which I'm sure you all know (you add together all the values and then divide by how many values there are). So if one of the values is very large- larger than any of the others- it will increase the average. For example, let's compare the average of 1,2,3,4, and 5, to the average of 1,2,3,4, and 10.
1+2+3+4+5=15/5=3
1+2+3+4+10= 20/5=4
It's the same amount of values, but the fifth value is larger in the second data set, and that value increases the mean. Imagine how much more dramatic the change in the average would be with more data points, and with more of a gap between the outlier and the rest of the data!
I would like to suggest that we, as members of the Church, are to be outliers. If every person was graphed as a data point, based on some spiritual variable (obeying the commandments perhaps, or listening to the prophets), I would like to suggest that we would be outliers sitting far above the rest of the data. We are in the data set but not of the data set (see what I did there?). And by being so far away from the values of the rest of the world, we pull up the average of the entire population. We make it rise. And the best part is, there doesn't have to be a lot of outliers to pull up the average.
Kind of like leaven makes bread rise, even though it's only present in small amounts.
One of the things I love about the statistics metaphor is that even if there is only one outlier, it still can change the average of all of the data. We as individuals can make a difference- we can make the world a better place, even if it's only a little. We can bring up the average of the world simply by following the Church's standards. That's pretty cool, don't you think?
So I challenge you to be an outlier from the world today. Live with higher standards, be better, become more. And by doing so, working together, we will pull up the world's average. We will rise.
This scripture is one of Jesus' parables from his ministry. It seems to be saying that we are to be the leaven of the earth- at least that is what I get out of this scripture. And leaven makes bread rise and become better. What a wonderful concept- that we are to make the world a better place. This is our mission, as members of the Church, to make the world a better place. There are multiple ways to understand this principle, and this is the one that I thought of today.
In statistics, there are points called "outliers" that fall outside of the overall pattern of the data (the technical way to find it uses the median and interquartile range, but we won't go into that now). Suffice it to say that the outlier breaks the pattern by sitting either far above or below the majority of the data.
These outliers affect the mean (the average value of the data set). In fact, they pull the mean towards them. Even just one point can change the average of the entire data series. It has to do with the method used to find the mean, which I'm sure you all know (you add together all the values and then divide by how many values there are). So if one of the values is very large- larger than any of the others- it will increase the average. For example, let's compare the average of 1,2,3,4, and 5, to the average of 1,2,3,4, and 10.
1+2+3+4+5=15/5=3
1+2+3+4+10= 20/5=4
It's the same amount of values, but the fifth value is larger in the second data set, and that value increases the mean. Imagine how much more dramatic the change in the average would be with more data points, and with more of a gap between the outlier and the rest of the data!
I would like to suggest that we, as members of the Church, are to be outliers. If every person was graphed as a data point, based on some spiritual variable (obeying the commandments perhaps, or listening to the prophets), I would like to suggest that we would be outliers sitting far above the rest of the data. We are in the data set but not of the data set (see what I did there?). And by being so far away from the values of the rest of the world, we pull up the average of the entire population. We make it rise. And the best part is, there doesn't have to be a lot of outliers to pull up the average.
Kind of like leaven makes bread rise, even though it's only present in small amounts.
One of the things I love about the statistics metaphor is that even if there is only one outlier, it still can change the average of all of the data. We as individuals can make a difference- we can make the world a better place, even if it's only a little. We can bring up the average of the world simply by following the Church's standards. That's pretty cool, don't you think?
So I challenge you to be an outlier from the world today. Live with higher standards, be better, become more. And by doing so, working together, we will pull up the world's average. We will rise.
Friday, October 10, 2014
What Do I Love?
What do I love? What is my passion; what motivates me? What drives me to move forward, day after day? What is it that I truly love? I asked myself these questions, and this was the result.
I love beauty. I love art, creation, beauty, and people.
They're all the same in a way.
Each human is art, a unique creation. Each is beautiful, wonderful, an independent, living art, all the more beautiful for its freedom. I have never seen someone who was not beautiful. To watch their eyes, their actions, to hear their voice and thoughts, this thing is beauty. To be with people is beauty. To be a person is beauty. Not in the traditional sense, oh no. Physical appearance does not come into it, or if it does, it is so small as to be very nearly insignificant. No, this is the beauty of a human soul, shining through acts of kindness, through their passions. Anyone acting on his or her passion is beautiful. That focus, that love, that light that sparks in their eyes, their expressions, their every action, that is so beautiful. Sometimes it is more exuberant than others- I myself tend to be more quietly passionate. I have friends who are more expressive. Either way, I believe it to be simply wondrous to watch, and I am blessed to behold it. That is what I love. I love people and I love their passions.
I love art and creation, and I feel it is, in a sense, a precursor. A hint at things to come. God creates. We, as his children strive to create and discover. We want to be like Him- it is an urge deep within us. Why else would I have this insatiable urge to write? To draw? To paint? Oh to paint more than them all. And to have children, to have a family as we are God's family and as He has instructed us to do. Why else would these desires be so strong except that we are all striving, deep within, to be like our Father? Art and creation, beauty, joy, and humanity- we are all one and the same. And sometimes we lose that light, that sight of what we are. And that is sad, more sad than anything, and yet it is still in a way beautiful. Humanity is beautiful and terrible and wondrous and great. Even in our terror, in our horror and our sins, there is poetry, sometimes the most emotional heart-wrenching poetry of all. This is what I love.
And I know you may say we are simply recycled material, simply remnants of ages past, reused and put back together. But isn't that in some ways equally wondrous? That we are children, creations, of a God that does not waste. In Hid universe, everything is conserved and reused and recycled- not thrown away. That is wonderful. God does not waste the materials He uses to make us. Our God conserves. He works with what He has rather than scrapping the project and starting over. So it is with us- He will not give up on us. No matter where we are in life, He is striving to help us become like Him. He is striving always to give us more beauty and more light, through what methods He may. Trials can give beauty. Blessings can. Thoughts and inspiration. Joy, talents, pain, experience- all these add beauty to our souls. Our bodies may be recycled material, but is that not a sign that God will not throw us away? We can be "recycled" through His grace (there's a Mormon Message about that somewhere).
I love this world. This world is beauty. The sunrise, the sunset, the dance of shadows across the land, the constant changing of seasons. Colored leaves and crisp winds. Summer heat, winter's chill, spring's blossoms- a constant cycle of so much beauty it hurts. My heart sings when I behold this world. I love walking to class as the sun rises, watching the mountains dawn. I love the campus and its colors, its people and decorations. There is beauty in everything. This is what I love.
What do I love? I love my God, my Father above. He has given me so much and asks for so little in return- my heart and my soul. And what am I in comparison to this grand creation? I cannot compare in grandeur to the mountains, or in grace to the seas. I cannot fly like the birds or swim with the fish. I do not shift with the seasons. I am stubborn, inconstant and difficult. Are not we all? And yet we are the favored of God's creations, for out of them all, we have the potential to be like Him and live with Him. We, out of all, are His true children. And I love Him for that. For reminding me of that when the way grows dark. For never leaving my side, always providing, always lifting, always providing strength and beauty and light and passion and love. I have so many fears and imperfections but He can cover them all. He has provided for me in every way He can. I am so blessed to live in this world, blessed beyond what I deserve. And He loves me- the greatest blessing of all. That is what I love.
This is my passion and my love: to share what I see with all.
Edit: After writing this post, I read this post on another blog. I feel like it expresses a sentiment that I wholeheartedly support, and that ties into this post.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Boring!
The internet is boring. Nothing new ever happens.
Homework is boring. It's so repetitive.
Eating is boring. Though it tastes good.
So I think I'll just read and sleep. That's not boring. Especially after a successful trip to the library yesterday.
And this library actually has Brandon Sanderson! So I can finally read all his books....better get going!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Very Very Mini Rant
You know what annoys me?
When people just randomly stop responding in the middle of a conversation.
Because you don't wanna text them again because that seems needy. But you also weren't done with the conversation. But poof, they're gone.
That annoys me.
Mini rant, done.
Temple Trips
Today I was privileged to go to the temple with my ward. It's the first time I've been in the Provo temple, and it's really wonderful to me to see how different and how similar it is to the Denver temple. It is so amazing how they can all be the same when looking at the big picture, and yet, in the details, they are so unique, each a different work of art. The Provo temple is very green, for example, where Denver is more white, and (in my head) blue. The New Mexico temple that my family once went to was very red and cream. The Ogden is gold. And the setup is always very slightly different, as well as the furniture and the artwork. It's amazing.
But that's not what I want to focus on. Tonight I was privileged to witness a small number of baptisms for the dead performed in sign language. Now, to some that may seem completely normal, and it's probably weird that I think it's so amazing (I do know that I'm not the only one who thinks that it was awesome though). I've kind of lived in a bubble, and have never really seen an ordinance performed in another language, much less sign language. It was fascinating to observe how they had modified the original procedure used for baptisms to accommodate the use of the hands. It was way cool to watch them say the prayer, to spell out the names of the deceased.
Isn't it wonderful, that the Lord works across languages, cultures, and differences in ability?
It brings to mind the Catholic Church, in a thoughtful way. Many of their prayers and ceremonies are held in Latin. I'd imagine many other religions do the same- use a specific language in their ceremonies. But not us, not the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Ceremonies are taken across languages and cultures. In our most recent General Conference, speakers were allowed to give their talks in their native language! We are a religion of the world, in the truest sense.
It is so amazing to me that the meaning is not lost across languages, that we can speak in any tongue and still be heard by Him, our divine Father. He understands us no matter what. God does not speak a single human tongue. He is not confined by any way we attempt to define Him. And He has asked us to call Him Father, in our own tongues. In every language of the world, His name is heard. And it is understood. That is the most wonderful thing of all.
God truly is no respecter of persons.
And that's the most amazing thing.
But that's not what I want to focus on. Tonight I was privileged to witness a small number of baptisms for the dead performed in sign language. Now, to some that may seem completely normal, and it's probably weird that I think it's so amazing (I do know that I'm not the only one who thinks that it was awesome though). I've kind of lived in a bubble, and have never really seen an ordinance performed in another language, much less sign language. It was fascinating to observe how they had modified the original procedure used for baptisms to accommodate the use of the hands. It was way cool to watch them say the prayer, to spell out the names of the deceased.
Isn't it wonderful, that the Lord works across languages, cultures, and differences in ability?
It brings to mind the Catholic Church, in a thoughtful way. Many of their prayers and ceremonies are held in Latin. I'd imagine many other religions do the same- use a specific language in their ceremonies. But not us, not the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Ceremonies are taken across languages and cultures. In our most recent General Conference, speakers were allowed to give their talks in their native language! We are a religion of the world, in the truest sense.
It is so amazing to me that the meaning is not lost across languages, that we can speak in any tongue and still be heard by Him, our divine Father. He understands us no matter what. God does not speak a single human tongue. He is not confined by any way we attempt to define Him. And He has asked us to call Him Father, in our own tongues. In every language of the world, His name is heard. And it is understood. That is the most wonderful thing of all.
God truly is no respecter of persons.
And that's the most amazing thing.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Homesick (What I Miss)
I miss smiles and hugs and giggles from little girls who aren't so little anymore
Music and noise. Constantly.
I miss having so much space and none at all (though in some ways that's still the same).
Having too much time, but always being busy.
Being able to read through ten books in one day just because I can.
I am closer to a library than I've ever been, and yet I read less because there's so much I have to do. But I'm going to change that.
Being able to sleep
Sleep is really nice.
I miss being silly and immature and not having to worry about adult things (and yet I also don't)
I miss Colorado sunsets over the mountains.
I miss going out and taking photographs with my sister, even though we only did it once or twice. It was so much fun to have girl time like that.
I miss being able to be completely irresponsible, being able to make really stupid choices and have it be quickly resolved. As horrible as it was, it's easier than dealing with adult issues. That easiness won't happen anymore.
I really miss choir and theatre. Next semester, I will be more involved with both.
We went to the HFAC today for FHE and played sardines, and walking around, seeing all the props, it made me realize how much I miss being part of a production in whatever capacity. I miss rehearsals and running lines and doing tech. I miss chilling backstage with the cast, having to bring dinner, going out to eat. I miss my theatre friends, especially one that I haven't seen in a long time- the productions we did were the most fun, because we understood each other, we got along. I miss that. I miss the craziness, how comfortable everyone was with each other.
I miss the freedom and the restrictions of being a child. It's so different from being grown up- not better or worse, but different. It's hard in different ways, it hurts in different ways.
I miss easy classes. In college, I actually have to study for tests beyond just doing the readings and classwork. That's something to get used to. It's not possible to totally BS stuff the same way. And all the questions are harder. Class is so much more fast paced, because it only happens a couple of times a week, and the semesters are shorter anyway.
I miss my anonymous blog, but I also don't. I can't rant how I used to, because now I know people will see it. But I also love that people see it, because it's still all pure me. It's still bits of both my bad and good days. It's still those pieces of my soul that I write out. It's just less....feely, I suppose. I do miss being able to do that. It helped get my head in order really well, better than anything else so far.
I miss a lot of things. But I also wouldn't go back to being where I was. I've come so far, and though I miss parts of where I've been, this is where I'm supposed to be. Today is a homesick day.
What do you miss?
What do you not miss at all?
Music and noise. Constantly.
I miss having so much space and none at all (though in some ways that's still the same).
Having too much time, but always being busy.
Being able to read through ten books in one day just because I can.
I am closer to a library than I've ever been, and yet I read less because there's so much I have to do. But I'm going to change that.
Being able to sleep
Sleep is really nice.
I miss being silly and immature and not having to worry about adult things (and yet I also don't)
I miss Colorado sunsets over the mountains.
I miss going out and taking photographs with my sister, even though we only did it once or twice. It was so much fun to have girl time like that.
I miss being able to be completely irresponsible, being able to make really stupid choices and have it be quickly resolved. As horrible as it was, it's easier than dealing with adult issues. That easiness won't happen anymore.
I really miss choir and theatre. Next semester, I will be more involved with both.
We went to the HFAC today for FHE and played sardines, and walking around, seeing all the props, it made me realize how much I miss being part of a production in whatever capacity. I miss rehearsals and running lines and doing tech. I miss chilling backstage with the cast, having to bring dinner, going out to eat. I miss my theatre friends, especially one that I haven't seen in a long time- the productions we did were the most fun, because we understood each other, we got along. I miss that. I miss the craziness, how comfortable everyone was with each other.
I miss the freedom and the restrictions of being a child. It's so different from being grown up- not better or worse, but different. It's hard in different ways, it hurts in different ways.
I miss easy classes. In college, I actually have to study for tests beyond just doing the readings and classwork. That's something to get used to. It's not possible to totally BS stuff the same way. And all the questions are harder. Class is so much more fast paced, because it only happens a couple of times a week, and the semesters are shorter anyway.
I miss my anonymous blog, but I also don't. I can't rant how I used to, because now I know people will see it. But I also love that people see it, because it's still all pure me. It's still bits of both my bad and good days. It's still those pieces of my soul that I write out. It's just less....feely, I suppose. I do miss being able to do that. It helped get my head in order really well, better than anything else so far.
I miss a lot of things. But I also wouldn't go back to being where I was. I've come so far, and though I miss parts of where I've been, this is where I'm supposed to be. Today is a homesick day.
What do you miss?
What do you not miss at all?
Those Days
You know those days where everything feels just a bit...off? Like something's changed, something's different, something's missing. Like suddenly you have to learn to live again, like you haven't been doing it every day of your life so far. Like if someone came to your house and moved everything an inch to the left.
It's the kind of day where either you can write really sad stories, or really trippy ones. Where either you're totally depressed, totally elated, or completely and entirely apathetic. Or just tired. Worn out. It's the kind of day where reason says "I'm taking a break" and you want to be stupid. You want to laugh, cry, hug, sleep, be alone, be with people, everything all at once. You don't know what you want, but you want it now. It's the kind of day where your eyes simply can't focus on one thing, and you don't know what kind of music to listen to.
It's the kind of day where either you can write really sad stories, or really trippy ones. Where either you're totally depressed, totally elated, or completely and entirely apathetic. Or just tired. Worn out. It's the kind of day where reason says "I'm taking a break" and you want to be stupid. You want to laugh, cry, hug, sleep, be alone, be with people, everything all at once. You don't know what you want, but you want it now. It's the kind of day where your eyes simply can't focus on one thing, and you don't know what kind of music to listen to.
I've been having quite a few of those lately. It's a sort of disconnect from the world. Likely to end badly. Also really shouldn't drive while feeling this way, because it's harder to pay attention. It's probably just me, thinking too hard again. Doing too much and not taking care of myself like I need to. Not sleeping enough, resting, studying, reading enough.
The moral of the story is, don't forget to take care of yourself. It's a good thing I didn't have to take my midterm today, because it's hard to focus. But I have to study today. We'll see what happens.
Take care of yourself, what few of you out there read this. Get enough sleep. Read a book with a friend. Watch that movie you've been meaning to. Give good hugs. Do your homework on time. Be better than me. Won't be hard, since I've been pretty awful at this in the past week.
Just take care of yourself, okay?
Okay.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Sunday Series: Alma 14:11
I've been thinking, and I'd like to start this Sunday Series thing, where basically I get to write about things that spiritually inspired me during the week. There might be one post, or multiple, but there will be at least one. So here goes :)
"But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people ma do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day" (Alma 14:11)
I actually read this scripture during my study this morning, and something that it hits on really fascinates me. That is, the idea that the righteous suffer so the wicked may be punished. Of course, that's dumbing it down a lot. It's a lot deeper than that, but that sentence is the most basic form of the thought that popped into my head. I'd like to elaborate on that thought.
This scripture is from when Alma and Amulek were teaching in Ammonihah. They have been captured by the wicked authorities of the city, and are being forced to watch the martyrdom of all the believers, as they are thrown into a fire, along with all the sacred records. Amulek pleads with Alma to allow them to exercise the power of God and save them. That is when Alma says what is quoted in the verse above.
What really caught my attention was the line "that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them...may be just." They cannot save the people because then the wicked could not be judged. If they had not been able to commit the crime, atrocious as it was, and painful to watch, if Alma and Amulek had stopped them, they could not have been rightly judged at the last day. You cannot be condemned without first committing a crime. You cannot be punished for intent- it is the action that brings down the law.
This is a fascinating point to me: that sometimes people are allowed to commit the crime so they can be punished for it. It's difficult to explain it in words. In God's kingdom, there is no room for the unclean, or for the wicked. They cannot stay. But unless they sin, how could they be told not to stay in God's presence? So to stop them from sinning would be to hinder justice and to place unclean beings in God's presence.
I'd like to focus on the justice aspect especially. Justice cannot be exercised without the person first committing a crime. So despite the pain it may cause, it must be done so that God can judge them. This seems a little harsh, looking at it from a human perspective, but that's exactly why it does: because the human perspective is different. In the grand scheme of things, what harms us on Earth will not harm us eternally, unless we allow it to. Our spirits will survive. But to the natural man, death and pain are the absolute end, and so to allow someone to be killed for the sake of justice seems even more horrifying than to realize that, hey, that's just the mortal body that is dead. Their spirit is safe with God, and now the killer can truly face justice. (Not that murder isn't horrifying and terrible, because it is. It's just looking in the grand scheme rather than at just this mortal life) It's a very interesting perspective.
It also has to do with agency, of course. God cannot stop someone from hurting another without taking away their agency- a thing He will never do. And so justice then becomes the great equalizer in a sense. They were able to hurt this other person, but they will be punished. This truly is like a father and his children- sometimes your child rebels and they do bad things, but they will be punished for doing wrong, and that is how they learn. It's amazing to me.
Anyway, sorry for my random disjointed ramblings! I hope they made some sense, and maybe they can help you make sense of why people are allowed by God to do bad things to other people. There are other reasons for trials, and different things that happen, but this particular point was what I was thinking about.
"But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people ma do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day" (Alma 14:11)
I actually read this scripture during my study this morning, and something that it hits on really fascinates me. That is, the idea that the righteous suffer so the wicked may be punished. Of course, that's dumbing it down a lot. It's a lot deeper than that, but that sentence is the most basic form of the thought that popped into my head. I'd like to elaborate on that thought.
This scripture is from when Alma and Amulek were teaching in Ammonihah. They have been captured by the wicked authorities of the city, and are being forced to watch the martyrdom of all the believers, as they are thrown into a fire, along with all the sacred records. Amulek pleads with Alma to allow them to exercise the power of God and save them. That is when Alma says what is quoted in the verse above.
What really caught my attention was the line "that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them...may be just." They cannot save the people because then the wicked could not be judged. If they had not been able to commit the crime, atrocious as it was, and painful to watch, if Alma and Amulek had stopped them, they could not have been rightly judged at the last day. You cannot be condemned without first committing a crime. You cannot be punished for intent- it is the action that brings down the law.
This is a fascinating point to me: that sometimes people are allowed to commit the crime so they can be punished for it. It's difficult to explain it in words. In God's kingdom, there is no room for the unclean, or for the wicked. They cannot stay. But unless they sin, how could they be told not to stay in God's presence? So to stop them from sinning would be to hinder justice and to place unclean beings in God's presence.
I'd like to focus on the justice aspect especially. Justice cannot be exercised without the person first committing a crime. So despite the pain it may cause, it must be done so that God can judge them. This seems a little harsh, looking at it from a human perspective, but that's exactly why it does: because the human perspective is different. In the grand scheme of things, what harms us on Earth will not harm us eternally, unless we allow it to. Our spirits will survive. But to the natural man, death and pain are the absolute end, and so to allow someone to be killed for the sake of justice seems even more horrifying than to realize that, hey, that's just the mortal body that is dead. Their spirit is safe with God, and now the killer can truly face justice. (Not that murder isn't horrifying and terrible, because it is. It's just looking in the grand scheme rather than at just this mortal life) It's a very interesting perspective.
It also has to do with agency, of course. God cannot stop someone from hurting another without taking away their agency- a thing He will never do. And so justice then becomes the great equalizer in a sense. They were able to hurt this other person, but they will be punished. This truly is like a father and his children- sometimes your child rebels and they do bad things, but they will be punished for doing wrong, and that is how they learn. It's amazing to me.
Anyway, sorry for my random disjointed ramblings! I hope they made some sense, and maybe they can help you make sense of why people are allowed by God to do bad things to other people. There are other reasons for trials, and different things that happen, but this particular point was what I was thinking about.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Photo Editing
So fun. Too much fun, actually. Even with not-super-nice software. Went from these:
To these:
Totally fun! Now I've just got to get at the rest of my pictures.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Temple Trip!
Today, my friend Heather and I had an opportunity to walk around the temple and take some pictures! Although we didn't get a chance to actually do baptisms, we're planning to have another trip soon. But a lot of the pictures we took are worth looking at!
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| This is actually outside Heather's apartment while I was waiting |
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| We got this photo on accident, but isn't it gorgeous? |
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| Early missionary photos! |
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| Early missionary photos! |
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| The angel Moroni was facing the sun |
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| We're cute :) |
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| Loved the blur on this one- I didn't do anything to it |
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