Worn and Off Balance

Do you know what it's like to feel an overwhelming urge to just be noticed? Like you're standing there invisible. What it's like to dress up, to want to be seen for once, but hardly anyone does. What it's like when you're tired and confused and grumpy and a tiny bit broken and nobody can see, because you're too good at hiding. But who could you tell, how would you say it? By blogging, I guess. It's a good thing this blog is for me and not for readers, though it may be read, because the image I've presented is pretty pathetic isn't it. But I'll get through it. I'll sleep tonight. Go to the temple tomorrow. I'll make it through this. I'll be myself again, my good self and not this sad and worn version, though in some ways, this is the truer one.

Good night, and remember to always hug your friends, because you never know what battles they're fighting.

I hate "typical." We live in a world with billions of absolutely unique individuals, no two the same. We share some things but never all things. How could there even be a "typical" here?

But isn't there?

Be Beautiful For You

This didn't come out exactly the way I wanted but it's pretty close, so bear with me!

My problem is that I see too much beauty. I can see it in everyone. Look at their eyes, the way they crinkle when they smile. Watch them laugh. See their expression when they think nobody is watching. See their face when they feel the Spirit. That last one, to me, is the best of all. They light up like a Christmas tree, full of joy and heavenly illumination.

Seeing that, how can it not bother me that they all try so hard to look beautiful, when in fact, it's when they aren't trying that the real beauty shines through?

Maybe it's because I see makeup and hair like art. Physical beauty as art. Not always to be so intensely attracted to, but to appreciate, usually from afar. What kind of romance would that be? The thing that truly gets my heart is the way they are, who they are. The way their eyes light up. I love watching someone, anyone, talk about something they feel passionate about. I love watching someone laugh and light up. That's what really gets me.

Physical attraction is important, but it's not even close to being the most important thing in a relationship. If you make it the most important, it'll eventually end. I've heard enough stories and seen enough failed relationships to know it doesn't work. I'd say that attraction to who they are as a person is closer but still not top. Knowing this, how could everyone's emphasis on physical beauty not bother me?

It seems like everyone is trying to be the same kind of beautiful, physically. Girls wake up hours early to do their hair, their makeup, just right. Guys have to have the right clothes, or work out or lift or whatever guys do (I'm not one so I know less about that). I know that this isn't the only reason to do these things of course, but if it wasn't expected of us, how many people would stop? If you didn't have to look or act a certain way to be attractive, would you still do it?

If you would, then great! You're awesome. Because that's what's really important, I think. Do it for you, like the picture that I'm going to attach. You are wonderful as you.

If you would stop doing certain things, if you only do them because you feel you have to, then I want you to do something for me. Go look in a mirror. Look at your eyes- look into your eyes. Look at their colors. Watch them shift and change, watch if they remain steady. See how beautiful that is on its own. Now smile big, think of something funny. Watch them light up like fireworks. Think of something sad. Watch them deepen, become more soulful. Now get angry! If you don't want to put on makeup or do your hair, don't. The fire in your eyes is enough.

It actually bothers me when I see someone wearing a huge amount of makeup. Don't you see yourself? Especially believing as I do, I just want to say, don't you see yourself? Not the paint, not the colors, but you. You artwork, you glory, you gift from God, you. You don't need all that paint and product. If you want it, if you like it, go ahead. Just know that you don't need it to be glorious. Look at yourself, you, who you are. Do it for you and not for anyone else.

Maybe I'm living in a younger world. Maybe I'm still thinking high school, maybe college is different, though it hasn't been yet. Maybe I'll meet more people that care less about physical beauty, that try to talk get to know someone, that give everyone a chance. That branch out from the typical. I hate "typical." We live in a world with billions of absolutely unique individuals, no two the same. We share some things but never all things. How could there even be a "typical" here?

But I see the typical every day of my life. Same style clothes, same style makeup, same paper shell. Stop hiding behind a paper mask. Let your real face shine through, the way you want it to.

What is Failure?

This week I'm attending Late Summer Honors at BYU. A few days ago, our professor asked an interesting question- that is, what is failure. It's a surprisingly complicated question, so, of course, I wanted to blog about it.

Looking it up in the dictionary was interesting. One definition said it was "an omission of occurrence or performance; specifically : a failing to perform a duty or expected action." This was the only definition that seemed to not coincide with my personal definition, that is, "to not meet with success." Although it does in a way, this first definition seems to indicate a lack of all action, perhaps out of fear of failure!

So often, isn't that what we do? Fail to act because of fear we will fail at the act? But this suggests that perhaps in not acting, we fail just as much as if we had tried and fallen short.

So much of failure depends on the individual's definition of success. Is success measured by a certain number of dollars, a certain act performed to a specific degree, or is success in the attempt? Is success in trying, even if it does not reach the original goal?

I also wonder if an individual can succeed and fall at the same time, in a way, as if there's success in effort but failure to reach the goal, as if there were levels of success and therefore levels of failure. It's an interesting concept to be sure.

Of course some failures are worse than others for sure, but isn't it because the success was so much greater, so much more lauded than any other? Whether by others or in our own mind, the success got built up, and then of course the failure did as well.

Failure, in the end, is defined by success. And isn't our idea of success up to us? It depends on what we decide. So in the end, it's all in our own heads.

Pressurepressurepressure

I wrote a part a while back called Pushing And Strong Tides. It was mostly about peer pressure and a decision I was making. Basically this decision was a very controversial one, in its own way, and was part of a stand I was attempting to take. Yet, in this stand, I had no support from any of my peers. I was literally surrounded by friends and people that I trusted, who pushed and pulled me against what I was trying to stand for. It's like drowning, and being told that you'll breathe just fine, because all your friends are.

Support and empathy are important. If I had known even one person who had spoken out, who had stood up for me and what I wanted, perhaps I would have decided differently. Don't forget that, when you see your friends struggling. My choice led to more heartbreak than was necessary. Because I was pushed. Because to genuinely want something and have to tell yourself no is hard enough, but to have literally everyone around you pushing you to say yes is even harder. Especially when it's the people that were supposed to stand behind you, and support you. It requires so much strength to stand against that, and I wish I'd had that strength, but even more than that, I wish I'd had support.

It should be mentioned that I had adults who stood behind my decision. But if you've been there, you know,  it's the support of your friends that really counts.

I've been guilty in the past of not doing that, of being too critical. It hurt one of my dearest friendships, and it never recovered.

Even if there is disagreement, I have come to believe in constant support. But also in making them aware of your thoughts. Like saying "I don't agree with your course, but I care for you and I will defend you and protect you. I will be there for you." There a great quote, from Rick Warren, that speaks to this, in the last line. He says something I consider to be a great truth. "You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

So please, watch out for your friends. It is incredibly hard, and heartbreaking, to be without a support system from your peers. It is so incredibly important, a great source of strength. Please be that system. Be the one to tell them it's okay to make that decision, to be different. Tell them that no matter what differences there are in what you believe, that you'll always love and care for them. If I had even one person say that, I think my whole summer would have been different. Just one person. Be that person. It makes a huge difference.

And if you find people who are a support system, keep them close! Find as many as you can and don't let them go. Be there for them. Sometimes they need it the most.

It's not always about whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes it's just about being a friend.

PS Special thanks to Jared Moya for most recently being that friend for me

Love and Dreams

My deepest desire is to be a mother.

Perhaps this is from being raised in the LDS Church. But it's just a part of who I am as well.

I am both a person who loves to spend time around children, and a hopeless romantic, which means I'll end up as one of two things, and I'm not insane, so it's gotta be a mother.

Haha. Not funny I suppose. I try to be funny.

It's my dream to one day meet someone that fits with me. Somebody gentle. Someone I could be with forever. I want to settle down, have a family. Stay at home and be a mother. Be an author out of my house. Someday travel the world with my loved ones.

That is my dream.

My dream is, essentially, love.

To love and be loved.  To give the ultimate gift of my body and soul for my children. To gain stretch marks and memories. That's my dream.

Opposite

The opposite of black is white

The opposite of up is down

But isn't it right that the opposite of truth is not lies, but ignorance?

Because truth is genuine knowledge. Yet lies are knowledge too. Ignorance is empty of both. Ignorance is blank, almost child-like, at that stage when the questions start, the search for truth.

If lies and truth were opposing forces, I would think that we would not accept one in place of the other. Who would prefer lies over truth, right?

Yet we prefer lies and truth both, when compared to ignorance. When compared to knowing nothing at all, we will take anything in trade, won't we. We humans.

Because lies are not the opposite of truth. Ignorance is the opposite of truth.

Clouded

Clouded skies and clouded eyes
You cannot see the truth
Shattered heart and no disguise
Would absolutely break you
Innocent gaze, wide open eyes
The world is bright and true
Blackened skies and haunted eyes
Reveal reality to you

But innocent eyes never seem to die
And never vanish from sight
No matter how black, how low the sky
There's always a genuine fight
To believe, to love, dream, and try
To be the best with all your might
That's the truth of the deepest sigh
Is the dream that no longer can fight

See The World

What do you do when you see the world differently?

This has been on my mind a lot recently. Mostly because I'm realizing more and more that I see the world differently than most people around me, in ways that make it easier and harder to interact with them.

Recently I broke up with someone who turned out to be not quite the person I thought they were. They weren't as "good" as I'd pictured them to be. They had darkness that should've pushed me away long ago, but didn't, because of how I saw them, how I see the world, and people in general.

Not as recently, I realized that I really get along with anyone and everyone. I can be friends with everyone, but not always best friends. This also comes from how I see the world. It's both a good thing and a bad thing.

The question lies in, inherently, the way I see people.

When I look at people, meet people, I tend to see the best in them. To see their good side and sometimes even ignore their bad side. This allows me to get along with anyone on a basic level. Good, right?

Yet the same has caused me pain. As a human being, I crave love, affection, trust, given and taken. I crave that deep interaction with people and yet it's rare that I get close enough to someone to trust them that much. I believe it is because of how I see people. As essentially good. Because I ignore their faults when I see my own so clearly. Because I don't give enough.

It also causes trouble because by ignoring faults, I can and have allowed myself to deeply trust people who never should have seen that much of me. That is what happened recently. I ignored all warning signs and let myself get close to someone who ultimately was not as good as I believed.

So what do you do with someone who sees the world this way, as inherently good, pure, innocent? I've had people coddle me. I've had people disillusion me, or try to. Yet nothing has changed.

I see the world at its best. I see the good side of people, until the darker part is too large to ignore. Still, I don't know if I can believe that some of my friends might do drugs. Or look at porn. Or break rules. Or hurt people or hate people or judge them. Or I believe and subsequently ignore it, I'm not sure.

Is it good or bad that I see the way I do? Because though I see it this way, I also see its brokenness. I see the places I would patch, change for the better. I know my ideal world, and I want to bring my dream and reality together. So how can how I see the world be so bad?

But it hurts people too. It hurt someone I cared for deeply. It hurts me, often. More often than perhaps even I realize. So how could it be good? But I do believe it's good. Isn't it the pain that makes us human?

This Month

Loneliness

Things That Are Weird: Asthma

Asthma is the weirdest thing. I have a very mild form of exercise/allergy induced asthma, and let me tell you, it's crazy. I can't imagine what it's like to have a worse form.

It's like your body just decides it doesn't want to breathe anymore.

Totally crazy right? Goes against every survival instinct.

"Let me just get clogged up and dump mucus into your lungs. We don't need those, we can survive without them! Oh wait..."

Exercise is healthy, good for you right?

"Oh no, exercise? Let me just totally rebel against this form of healthy living. It's abuse! You don't get to exercise. I'll stop you! There, you can't breathe! Hahahaha....!" *dies*

Similar reaction to the presence of allergens.

Maybe a little less dramatic. And it's a lot less funny. But no less ridiculous.

Hey, human body? Please don't do that. Keep breathing! Even if I decide to take a jog.