Some books are loud and some are quiet

Loud books SCREAM within the mind. They urge- stand on a soapbox, POUND a pulpit with your fists, and DECLARE TO THE WORLD what this book has made of you. CHANGE and GROW- become more and BETTER. CRY OUT against injustice, against pain, against the wrongs that MUST be made right. The soul STRAINS against physical bonds and attempts to FLY, through words, and passion and belief. These stories are FIRE, burning hot, LOUDLY declaring what must be done..

And then there are quiet books, with gentle stories. The words flow from page to eye, and softly make their way into the mind. They are reflection, introspection, creating at once gratitude and longing. The soul calms within the breast and breathes deeply, taking in the wonder of life, and the sadness of it. For this sort of beauty is also sad, because of its faults, because it is unachievable except in these small moments when the world falls into place and all is calm.

A Little Contrast

"...having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin." (2 Nephi 2:23)

I have noticed something lately. This past week, as I'm switching medications, starting school, and working on a fairly new relationship, I've found my anxiety and depression worsening. And as I thought back, I could see that since I graduated from high school, and especially in the past year, it has gotten exponentially worse. At first I was discouraged, and felt down, as if hope was lost.

But then the thought came into my head that everything has also gotten so much better. Before I graduated high school, my emotions were sort of shut down- I didn't really feel anything, or feel close to anyone. After graduating (and....you guessed it...especially in this past year) I've been making an effort to feel, to allow myself to have emotions, positive and negative. Yes, as a result, my mental health has been a struggle, but I also have friends that I feel close to, people I trust, an amazing boyfriend. I have felt joy. I have seen the Lord's hand in my life and felt Him speaking to me through the Spirit in ways I could not deny- something that was foreign to me before.

So yes, in some ways things are harder. But they are also better. And because I am trying to let myself feel, I am also asking for help. I am changing medications, going to see a counselor, all those things, to help get the hard parts under control so that I can more fully experience the good and be strong through the bad. My life really is good and wonderful, even on days when my brain tells me otherwise.

It is like Lehi said. I can't selectively feel only positive emotions- it's a package deal. But would I trade a life without my anxiety for a life without the joy that I've found? Not a chance!

Opening a Heart

Today I thought about life. I thought about my journey, about my struggles and triumphs. I thought about others I know and love who have struggles of their own. And I realized something important- something I hadn't fully internalized before. We were not created to live in isolation.

"And I the Lord God, said unto mine Only Begotten, that it was not good that man should be alone" -Moses 3:18

I battle with anxiety every day, and some days I must fight depression as well. One of the most effective weapons I've found is talking about what I'm feeling. A journal will work, but the most reward comes from talking to another person. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done. I've been on a mission. I've tracted for four hours in the snow and ice. I've been yelled at, cussed out, and ignored. I've faced people I love dealing with suicidal thoughts. But the thing that is consistently the hardest is opening up about my feelings to another person. And yet, doing so brings the most relief from the war within my mind.

This got me thinking about why we are all placed on this earth together, why we are given such a community of Saints, of friends, of all these noble spirits that stood at our side in the premortal life. Why are we not each tried individually? Why place billions of us on a planet at the same time? Our Father wants us to work together. It's in the scriptures- it is "not good that man should be alone." We are organized as families, and encouraged to seek out those who we can trust our whole selves to as eternal companions. We are given friends and teachers. We are here to help each other.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that every interpersonal relationship- especially marriage and dating- is a team. We have to support each other. There are times when each of us will struggle, with mental health, temptation, addiction, discouragement, stress, feeling overwhelmed, and so many other things. But if we help each other through, it isn't quite so bad.

Sharing what I experience doesn't make the anxiety magically disappear. It doesn't cure everything. But it gives me the strength to go on, knowing that no matter what, I am still loved. I can make it.

My challenge to you is, if you are struggling, if Satan is lying to you and telling you that you are alone, open up to someone. It will not be easy. It may very well be the hardest thing you've ever done. But it will make a difference. It will make you stronger.

Always Have Hope

"And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree" (1 Nephi 8:24)

It's incredible what depression can take from you. It can take your self esteem, your appetite, your trust, your connection to the Spirit, and any other emotions besides. But I know for certain that it can't take everything forever.

These past few weeks, I have found myself falling into a spiral. Things seemed more gray, and every emotion was faded. I haven't been really hungry for maybe a month. My anxiety was through the roof- there were times I couldn't talk it down, when the dark thoughts came so hard and so quickly that I had no defense against them. In this time, I turned outwards for help. That was only a temporary solution, but it was the only solution I had.

I still studied my scriptures, but found little light. I went through all the motions of friendship, but struggled to love. I tried spending time with others but found myself exhausted, wishing only to be alone. Trying to get out of bed became more and more difficult. But I noticed none of this. It was so gradual, and didn't feel odd at all- that's the thing about having a mental illness- if it's all in your head, it's much harder to recognize. It becomes easy to assume that perhaps God has abandoned me, that I have sinned some great sin and must pay penance (which, for the record, is not how God works).

Then, this week, I have discovered peace again. I had new roommates move in, and our apartment is more comfortable than it has been all summer. It actually feels like home. There is light, there is space, and I can breathe. I have felt more relaxed. I can feel happiness again. This morning I felt so much gratitude for the life I have been blessed with, for the support I've been given, and how things consistently fall into place exactly how they're supposed to be. Yesterday and today I felt as if I received spiritual light and revelation during my scripture study- something that gets to be a struggle when I'm in a bad place. I felt the Spirit so strongly, a reminder that God is still there. My Savior knows me, and has never left me.

But again, all of this has been so gradual that I didn't really recognize what was happening- until last night, I was having dinner with my boyfriend, and for the first time in a while, I ate a lot of food, and he pointed it out (side note: He's always making sure I eat, even when I don't feel that hungry). That, in turn, sparked the realization for me that I felt better, happier, more vibrant, motivated to do what needed done, and perhaps even more. That I felt like myself, for the first time in a while.

So the point of all of this is, I suppose, to always have hope. The darkness always subsides. The sun always returns. The Spirit is always there, even if it is hard to hear. I have learned that, no matter how dark the way, as long as I cling to my Savior, to the iron rod, to my friends and family, and desperately, so desperately, to hope, that everything works out, and eventually I will feel like myself again.

8/2/17

Sometimes I know what causes the anxiety. Other times it hits with no warning. Or with so little warning that I disregarded it. This week I noticed an increase in apathy, but seeing as it was apathy, I ignored it. It's hard to observe one's own emotions. I thought, oh just stress, just being tired, etc. But this morning, the rest of it hit me like a brick wall.

Anxiety. Not enough. Not good enough. Too much to do. Too much stress. How are you supposed to have friends, a relationship, a job, and still take care of yourself and serve others? How are you not strong enough to do all of that? I know all of this is wrong. I am on day two of my job. I am helping someone by babysitting tonight. I miss my boyfriend, but it's only been one day. He's not going to leave me over that.

Depression. Never enough. Never good enough. Don't turn to anyone. Don't reach out. Don't tell them. They don't care anyway. I know, rationally, that people care, but when your brain convinces you to fear them, to hide, it's hard to say no. In the middle of the day, people are busy. They're at work, or living life. How dare I interrupt with my little problem? It doesn't even have a reason behind it.

This past week has been like living a dream. It has been incredible. Now I'm getting the backlash. I'm still figuring out the balance of how much I can do before overloading myself. Right now, it is taking everything I have to force myself to eat breakfast and go to work instead of just going back to sleep. It is taking everything I have to not dig my fingernails into my skin in an effort to let all of this energy out. I feel like a shaken soda bottle, about to explode from the pressure. It beats on every  inch of my skin. Writing this is rebellion against my own mind, an effort to reach out, but in a way that doesn't inconvenience anybody. A small rebellion, but better than giving in.

I am trying.

I showered today. I brushed my hair. I got out of bed on time. I am ready for work physically, if not mentally. I cried a little, then got up, washed my face, and kept moving. This is progress.

The anxiety is at the same levels, but I am stronger. It is not as crippling.

But I worry- am I numbing? Am I simply shoving my emotions down under the surface out of sight? That's what got me through high school- I just didn't let myself feel anything, because if I did, it would cripple me. Training myself out of that is hard.

I will go to work today. I will make it through today. I will talk to someone. And I will go to bed early. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will be stronger. I can do this.

Have Hope

Have hope. The world is not a terrible place.

Have hope. There are pieces of goodness in every face

Though it seems to be spiraling 

And everything's gone wrong

People are still trying

We're learning to be strong

Have hope in humanity, faith in the free

Have hope that we can become who we want to be

The news may be darkness day after day

But if you look, you'll see that's not the way

Things really are- that people are trying

To get better, to live stronger, to stop lying and crying 

Have hope in your family and your friends

Have hope in love that never truly ends

We're  accepting differences, in the open for once

It's inevitable that some will act like a dunce

These are first tries for many, new  experiences for all

Of course some few will slip up and fall

Have hope that they're learning, trying their best

Have hope that some people are not like the rest

Have hope. 

Being and Belonging

"Now when our hearts were depressed and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success" (Alma 26:27)

These past two years have been quite the rollercoaster of growth for me. Today is especially a day of reflection. Two years ago (almost exactly) I was headed home from Provo to prepare to leave on my mission. Now, I am spending my first day in a new apartment back in Provo. I have come full circle.

When I left on my mission, I was full of insecurity, bottled up anger and anxiety, and an immense desire to fit in. I was quiet, perhaps a little timid, unsure of myself. I wasn't very nice to myself either. I had a good life in Provo- great friends, good classes, a fun job- and I was going to miss it immensely, as I headed off to this strange place, full of strange people, to talk about something most of them might not even want to hear.

On my mission, I struggled with depression and anxiety. It was hard. I made so many good friends and learned new things about the gospel, about myself, and about people in general. I learned to love the rain. It was difficult to go out every day, walking for miles and offering complete strangers something that means everything to me, only to get rejected more than 9 times out of 10. I faced a lot of change. The scripture above came to mean a lot to me, because that was often how I felt.

Since I've gotten home from my mission, I've noticed some of the effects of that change. I feel like I am more free, more happy, more trusting and compassionate, especially with myself. Before and during my mission, my self-talk was more like self-abuse. But over time, I've begun to take better care of myself, treat myself kindly even when I make mistakes. I've been seeing a counselor and a doctor and I learned that some of what is going on is due to my brain being out of whack, and so I have some medication to help keep me balanced- giving me a good baseline to spring off of.

Yesterday, as my mom and I were driving to Utah, all my things in the back of the van, I realized- and expressed- that since I've begun to love and accept myself, it has become amazingly easier to love and accept others. I feel connected to those around me- my family, my friends- in a deeper way. Before, I felt that there was a distance, a wall, that kept me from building these connections, from really caring. I was too worried about fitting in, about being the strong one. It was really a very self-centered way to live. But beginning to care for myself has allowed me to truly turn outwards towards others, to truly care for them, to build a better relationship with God and with my Savior.

One more story- On Tuesday night, my YSA branch had a Relief Society activity. We made pizza and watched a movie (Beauty and the Beast- one of my favorites). As I was a part of the Relief Society presidency, I was involved in trying to think up a spiritual thought. I didn't think of anything until I was almost to the activity. Then the Spirit helped me connect what I needed to see. I thought of Alma- the verse above- and I thought about trials. My mission- the hardest and also the most wonderful thing I've done up to this point in my life. My struggles with mental health, with anxiety and depression- they make living every day hard. But these things taught me.

A pizza, when raw, is not an ugly thing. But neither is it really edible. It has so much potential to become something delicious. It has so many varieties- as many as there are people. Yet, it all comes from the same base, with shared characteristics. And all of it must go through the flames, so to speak. It must bake at incredibly high temperatures in order to reach its potential.

So it is with each of us, We are all children of a Heavenly Father. We all have come to earth to be tried, to learn and grow. We are all unique. And our trials- everything in this life- is our oven. We are being transformed from raw materials into something amazing. My mission and my experiences have helped me to become a better person and a better friend. Yet I am still myself- only I am more true to myself and my purpose. Like a pizza. (even though I'm not covered in cheese and pepperoni).

The more I care for myself, the more I act as myself, and the less I attempt to fit in, the more I realize how beautiful the world is, how amazing every person can be, and how much I love it. The more I love myself, the more I can love others. And that is pretty amazing.

Anxiety

Sorry, more vent-posting.

My mind is lying to me. Constantly. Nonstop. Didn't get enough rest? That's a weakness. That lets the enemy in. The enemy is me.

You're wrong. You're a failure. You're stupid. You always mess up.

Nobody really likes you. Everyone you love will leave you. They're all just putting up with you. They feel pity for you and nothing more. You are pathetic and needy and you will push them all away. You can't trust anybody. You can't even trust yourself

You mess everything up. You do everything wrong. You are a disappointment to yourself, your family, your friends, your God. You have failed so utterly that there is no hope for you.

Don't post this

They'll see you

They'll hate you

You're so immature. Why do you even bother? Why do you even write? Or do anything? You aren't good at anything. You don't know anything. Stupid, stupid, failure. 

Just disappear. Just leave. They don't want you around. They'd be better off without you. Just leave

Drive off the road

Run away

Go to bed and don't wake up

Never leave the house again

Leave and don't ever come back

Don't talk to them

Don't ask for help

You don't want to be needy. They already see you as clingy, as pathetic. You are so selfish. Why would they help you? They have more important things to worry about. You don't matter that much to them. You don't matter at all. Don't ask for help. They'll just tell you to suck it up and get over it. You're fine. Tell them you're fine. Everyone that asks. You can't trust them. You don't want to push them further away than they already are. 

You are nothing. Become nothing. 

You are only darkness. 

I know none of this is true. I know it, intellectually, but my heart is at war with my mind, trying to convince me of all of this. I know I just need to wait it out, that it will pass. But it's so tiring. It's exhausting. I hate going to bed at night. I hate those quiet moments, when there's nothing to distract me. This is every day. This is all day, and everything is a distraction. But at night, before going to sleep, I face them head on and I just want to run and hide. I'm tired. So tired. I've been fighting for so long. Fighting to be seen, fighting to understand why I feel this way, fighting to believe not only in myself, but in my family and my friends. I fight to believe that it's okay to not be perfect every second. Some days, I believe it. Others, not so much. Sometimes I hit both extremes in the span of only a few hours, like tonight. Maybe that means I don't really believe it.

It's hard not to believe your own mind. It has a way of being very convincing. Especially when telling me not to ask for help.

I won't give up the fight. But it is so exhausting. And so lonely. And some days, I am afraid that I won't win.

Family History- I Am Doing It

"And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers" Malachi 4:6

This morning, as preparation for Relief Society today, I was reading the talk "Gathering the Family of God" by President Henry B Eyring. It brought back a few different memories from my mission. President Eyring focuses on family history and the sealing power found in the temple, that can bind our families together for eternity.

I remembered, first of all, a story my dad told me- he wrote about it in one of his weekly emails. At one time, his grandma had been married to a man named Ray. Grandpa Ray was one of my dad's favorites- he would play with the grandkids and sing silly songs (some of which were passed down to me!) and when they were divorced, Ray told his now ex-wife that one of the saddest things about it was not being able to see the kids anymore.

While researching his name to do his temple work, my dad learned of a story from much earlier in Grandpa Ray's life. He was married young, to his sweetheart, and early in their marriage, they went on a private plane ride with his brother, Morrie. Somewhere along the way, their young and inexperienced pilot got confused and mistook a golf course for the airport runway. Of course, when he realized this mistake he tried to pull the plane back up, but hit some power lines and the plane crashed! Grandpa Ray pulled his wife from the wreckage- everyone survived the crash- and went back for Morrie, who would forever be a quadriplegic thanks to the accident. However, while he was rescuing Morrie, his sweetheart went into diabetic shock and passed away right there where he left her. That must have broken his heart.

My dad was able to find out enough about Ray's young wife to do her temple work. When they went through the endowment session, the spirit was so strong, and my dad felt that the sealing work had to be done right then, that true love couldn't wait. So he explained this to one of the temple workers, who took him immediately to a sealing room, interrupting the session in progress to tell them the story. My parents knelt at the altar, and on behalf of Grandpa Ray and his sweet wife, were sealed for time and all eternity. Everyone was overwhelmed by the spirit in the room, and my dad heard his grandpa's voice, clearly, saying, "Now I have my sweetheart back!" The power of the sealing ordinance is real.

The second story I was reminded of happened to me while serving my mission. Missions are divided geographically, into zones, and then from there into districts and wards. Missionaries often serve in one to two wards at a time, and rarely leave those boundaries- and if they do, usually it's only within a zone. I served in four different zones on my mission, for perspective. I spent six months in my second zone, and during the last part of that, I was looking through my family history and discovered that one of my ancestors (actually the grandmother of my great grandmother- the same one who was married to Grandpa Ray) had been buried in Vancouver, Clark County, Washington. Well, there I was, serving as a missionary in Vancouver, Clark County, Washington! So I did a bit more searching and I eventually discovered a record for her through FindAGrave- she was buried at the Park Hill Cemetery- literally 3.2 miles form where I was, within my zone boundaries. Out of the whole world, I was called there, for that time, in exactly the place where she was. Or at least, where her headstone was. I was able to visit the cemetery and discovered that she isn't actually buried there- they don't know where her body is- but her headstone is there. It was neat to be able to find her, to feel that connection to my family. She had been here, where I was now. Her family had lived here. It was an amazing experience.

So my testimony to you is that the promise is real- the hearts of the children and the fathers are turning towards each other. The Spirit of Elijah wraps around the earth. The sealing power has been restored and we can be with our families forever. Someday I will meet Alvira- who's headstone I found- and Grandpa Ray and his sweetheart. Someday my great-great-grandchildren will meet me. We will all be connected, to be a part of the family of God.

I invite you to go to the temple, to sit outside on the grounds, and to ponder and to realize what this sealing power means. What an impact it has. Your heart will be touched.

 

Battlefield

Shots fired. Explosions too close for comfort. The shadow of my enemy comes between me and the sun. This is every day.

It is hard to fight when the world seems hopeless, but I know if I want to hope again, I must fight. I must conquer the habits that hold me back. I must face these overwhelming fears. I must trust, despite the fact that all my mind tells me is that they'll leave, they don't need you, they don't want you, you're annoying them. I need to choose to believe and act otherwise. I need to begin to learn to separate the truth from the lies.

Things that are true: I am beautiful. People care about me. I am strong. So far I've made it through 100% of my bad days. I can trust people. I can fight back. There is hope. I am smart and I am strong and I love deeply and with all my heart.

Things that my mind lies to me about: You can't trust anyone. Your best friend is annoyed by you. They don't need you. You should just leave. Your life is meaningless. You are stupid and boring and selfish. Why do you even try?

Fighting a mind is an odd thing. There is no visible enemy to face, no one-size-fits-all solution. There is only me, myself, and I, facing each other down inside my head. There is only a lack of explanation or understanding, medications tossed at me as if they'll solve everything, an easy way to hide it all from the world. There are no guidelines, no easy ways out, just me fighting the lies I've told myself for so long that I have to relearn what is true.

Yesterday I tried a mental exercise to help a mind be more grounded- and it worked. I felt better, for the first time in at least a week. I could think clearly and I understood the haze that I'd been in. I felt as if, for the first time in a long time, I had the strength to start fighting back. I felt hope. Unless you've been in the darkness, you don't understand what a relief that is.

So I'm fighting. I'm fighting back the habit of numbing. I'm fighting the habit of picking at my fingers. I'm fighting to write and create and believe in myself more. I'm fighting to trust my friends and my family again, to believe that they aren't going to leave me. I'm fighting for hope.

I am fighting to believe that I can win a war where my own mind is the battlefield

Empty Heart

I rediscovered this while rummaging through old writing notes- a short story. I hope you enjoy it!

She had stumbled across the room without meaning to. She'd just been exploring the house. It was starting to get old and shabby, and the dust was accumulating. It needed maintenance. This room particularly appeared to not have been entered in months, at least. She coughed as the door ruffled the dust layer atop the cold tile.

The walls of this room were barren, only un-patched nail holes showing where pictures had once hung. The paint was peeling in those places, and around the edges of the room, baring the drywall to the air. Furniture was sparse, and all bore white vinyl dust covers. Vague impressions were the only clue to what each item might be. There was one window on the east side, but it did not allow much light to pass, as the panes were encrusted with accumulated filth. A bare light-bulb hung in the northwest corner of the room. The wires were bared in a way that seemed slightly dangerous, but the light flickered to life. It illuminated and shadowed, making the space leap into sharp relief. Small bugs scurried out of the way.

She looked around the room. It seemed so desolate, so empty. If only she could afford to reside in the house and keep it well, but its upkeep was often beyond her meager budget and time. As it was, it seemed to be only a drain on her resources, yet she couldn't bring herself to sell it. It was a gorgeous old mansion, full of large, clear windows with views of the sunrise and the trees, and spacious rooms with open closets and play areas, sweeping stairs and gorgeous antique furniture. Its current shabby state had likely brought the value down, yet any with the proper eye would recognize it as a gem. This room especially would deter any prospective buyers.

Perhaps she could try renting it out again. She'd have to screen the tenants a little better; the last time, they'd destroyed some priceless parts of the house, and damaged others. This time she would have to be more careful- if she even rented it. Would it be worth it? She'd always thought maybe one day a renter would become a buyer. It had almost happened before, once or twice, but the deal always fell through. Perhaps they tired of the sound of the wind, or the isolated location, or perhaps they found a better, newer home. Whatever the reason, it hadn't happened yet. She held out hope, however. Someday she'd meet someone who was meant to live in this house, who fit these rooms like they were built for that purpose. Who would love it the way she did, but who could afford its constant upkeep.

Yes, she resolved. She'd try to rent out the rooms one more time.


There'd be a lot of cleaning to be done first. Starting with this room. Sighing, she tramped out to her car to retrieve the Windex and repair supplies. She'd bring the house to life again. Starting with that empty room.

Focus on Eternity

"The great test of this life is obedience." -President Monson

Yesterday, in the self-reliance group I've been attending, we focused on tithing and on obedience to God's commandments (since it's a class on personal finances, it makes sense to talk about tithing.) I was reminded of a principle I learned on my mission- one that can be hard to remember- and that is to focus on eternity.

Much of my issues with anxiety are triggered by thinking about the future. I'm going into college with very little, I'll be trying to work my way through, and if it goes the way I mapped out about a month ago, I'm looking at probably another four years before I graduate. I'll have to make enough money to pay for rent, tuition, groceries, and everything else, while keeping up with homework and of course I still want to have a social life! So there's a lot of uncertainty there. And then, of course, there's the pressure to get married and start a family- which is what I want more than anything else, and therefore is the thing I am the most nervous about. Lately much of what I've faced has then turned around in my head to tell me that I won't be a good wife or a good mother (which is a lie that I am fighting very hard).

Last night, as we talked about tithing, I remembered all the people I talked to on my mission. That was one of the hardest commandments for people to accept, especially those who had little (which is most of the people we taught). But I remember growing up in a home where we paid tithing and generous fast offerings, and even when we didn't have a lot, we had enough. I remember the story of our couch- we needed a new one but couldn't afford it while paying tithing. One day my dad took a different route home from work and saw a piece of a couch (one of the recliners on the end- it's a sectioned couch) in a driveway with a sign that said "free." He went and asked, and we ended up with a long couch, big enough for the whole family, with two recliners and a couch bed. For free. And every time the cars break down, or something in the house needs fixed, it always seems to happen when we have enough to pay for it. I also remembered a couple from my mission- we were meeting with one of our investigators in their home. They told us a story about a time when the husband lost his job, right as they were preparing to send kids on missions and to college. He was offered a job across the country, for significantly less pay, but they felt impressed to accept. As it turns out, the cost of living was so much less that his salary was perfectly manageable. And a few years later, the original company called and asked if he would come back to work for them, and they'd pay whatever he needed. So they ended up with enough money to send their kids on missions and through college, and that may not have happened without all the craziness and stress in the middle.

I was reminded that, even when I can't see how things will work out, how I'll make enough money or be able to keep up without breaking down, if I put it in the Lord's hands, He will make everything work out for my good. That may not mean a big house or two cars, it may not mean graduating four years from now. But it means that it will help me reach my fullest potential- which in the end will matter much more than the job I held or the car I drove or the house I owned. Eternal perspective to me means letting go of those things and holding on to the end goal- the celestial kingdom.

As I thought about that, an interesting question came into my mind. Would I sacrifice being temple worthy to pay my rent?

Seriously. Think about that one.

For me, the temple is a place of peace and guidance. It's where I can recenter myself and be in touch with my Heavenly Father, and grow closer to my Savior. It is the great school that teaches me to prepare to meet God. And someday, I will be sealed there to an eternal companion. Would I give that up because I chose to pay rent over paying tithing?

In the self reliance manual, there is a quote, from a young bishop to a new convert. He said "If paying tithing means you can't pay for water or electricity, pay tithing. If paying tithing means you  can't pay your rent, pay tithing. If paying tithing means you don't have enough money to feed your family, pay tithing. The Lord will not abandon you." The referenced article, in the December 2012 Ensign, goes on to tell how this family made it through- they didn't become rich, but they had enough- and were later sealed in the temple. I think of the resources I have available to me- if I could not make it, I have family that can help me through a rough time. I can go to the bishop and receive temporal aid. But to have that spiritual foundation, that core of faith- no one else can help me with that. I have to be willing to give it all to the Lord, even when I don't understand or see the end from the beginning. I am not willing to give up being able to go to the temple. I am not willing to sacrifice my future eternal family. I am not willing to lose my faith. Temporally, the Lord will provide. Spiritually, the Lord will provide. But I must first put it in His hands.

Remembering this last night gave me a great sense of peace and increased energy and motivation to move forward, something I've been struggling with for a few weeks. I felt an assurance that everything will be alright. I will be able to obtain an education and keep up as long as I continue to work hard. I am taking steps to better care for my mental and physical health, which will give me some of the strength I need. And I will not give up on the Lord.

My challenge to you is to put your trust in Him, and to focus on eternity. That is the only thing that will get us through.

Faith Precedes the Miracle

"When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them" (Isaiah 41:17) 

What is faith? I've heard it said many times that faith is the absence of fear. Yet, many times I have found strength to move forward in faith despite fear, rather than without it. Going on a mission, for example- I was scared to go, terrified in fact. But I went because I believed it was God's will, and miracles happened. I was afraid nearly every day of my mission to go out and talk to these strangers, but I kept in mind Almaden 26 and this (probably butchered) quote from an old WVM missionary, told us by our mission president-elect "I have had the privilege of being rejected thousands of times" and I went forward and I did get rejected and it was a privilege, to be a missionary and to bear that mantle. I was closer to the Spirit than I've ever been- but still, I was afraid every day. So faith to me is not the absence of fear, but that the trust in God is greater.

I've also heard faith described as a spiritual gift. Yes, we must plant, water, and nourish our seed of faith (Alma 32) but who gave us the seed? God gives us greater faith and power as we care for the faith that we already have. I've seen that in myself to- the strength that I have is not from me. If I were left to my own strength, I may be unable to get out of bed in the morning. I wouldn't be able to handle the stresses of life. As it is, I am making progress, with His help. He sustains me every day, when I feel I can't work for another hour, or how will I ever get everything done, He is there.

I've been attending a self-reliance group and last night we watched a video from Elder Bednar describing the exercise and power of faith:

I love the phrase "When their feet are wet." In life, I think each of us must face down our own River Jordans. It could be addictions, mental health, family struggles, abuse, illness, anything and everything that afflicts us. But the Lord promises us that the waters will part and we will pass through on dry ground. But we must take those first halting steps forward, even into the water (sometimes I feel as if I'm waist deep!) The water will always part-time but not until we have shown our trust in Him. 

One of my favorite verses of scripture is Ether 3:19. This is a part of the story of the Brother of Jared- a man with truly powerful faith, who accomplished miracles under the direction of his God. He built barges and prepared to sail across the ocean, to leave his homeland, and then came the test. There was no light in the barges, and the Lord asked the Brother of James to think of a solution. So he brought sixteen stones to the Lord and asked if He would touch them, that they would give light for their journey. Then the wonder- he sees the finger of the Lord. In verse 19, there is the phrase "he had faith no longer, for he knew, nothing doubting." 

When I approach the banks of the River Jordans in my life, I wonder if this time it will not part, and yet I can continue forward anyway because I trust that my God will never let me down, not now or ever. I choose to trust Him despite doubt and fear, and He comes through. Doubt is the necessary complement to faith. Choosing faith within doubt refines us, brings us closer to God, and strengthens that faith beyond measure. We could not have faith if we did not doubt, but over time those doubts become smaller and smaller until someday, we will "[know], nothing doubting." 

So my challenge to you in whatever you are facing is to not stop choosing faith. Take what God has given you and make it grow, and He will never fail you. I know that, more than anything. Even when all seems lost and the heaven's appear closed, He is still there and He will come through. 

Lessons Learned

Today is my great-grandpa's birthday. Grandpa Gibson would have been 96 today (he passed away recently). In honor of him, I wanted to list the lessons I learned from him:

-Always have a harmonica
-Family is meant to have fun
-No one is more important than your eternal companion (he and my great grandma were married for 75 years before she passed away last year).
-Magic penny tricks are cool
-So is a spoon collection
-Never forget to be thankful
-The power of the priesthood is real
-Always have a smile for everyone!
-Laugh hard and enjoy life
-There's room for everyone at the table
-There is always time for children
-Move forward with faith and everything will work out
-Don't be afraid to grieve
-Love with all your heart

I have a lot of memories of my great grandparents. They were- and area- amazingly faithful people, who were a light to everyone around them. I remember one time when we visited, we brought the game "Bannanagrams" with us and we had a ball taking all kinds of funny pictures with the banana shaped bag and we laughed so hard. I remember when I was in college, we'd go up for family dinners every other week (and everyone was invited) and when we played a game my grandpa would always help my grandma- she was in the early stages of dementia.He always sat next to her and held her hand. They loved each other so much. Seventy five years is a long time.

I knew when I left on my mission that it was likely they wouldn't be here when I returned. And that was true. My great-grandpa passed away just a week or two before I came home. My great grandma passed away last year. This past weekend, we went to Utah- my first time being there since they were gone. Their house is so empty- the spoon collection is gone, dispersed among their many descendants (I have one). That bass fish that hung on their wall and sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy"- my favorite thing as a kid- that is gone too. Their furniture is gone. The armchairs they'd sit in- gone. The table we sat at for family dinners- gone. But most notably, they were gone and I didn't realize exactly how much I'd miss them.

But they're together again- I'm sure that was a joyous reunion. And I will see them again someday. I have the assurance of a temple sealing to rely on. We are a family forever. And They lived faithful lives, so now it's my task to live a life they can be proud of. To be sealed in the temple and remain faithful and worthy. To continue to try through the hard times. To understand what "forever" really means.

I also would like to challenge each of you to attend the temple, even if it's just walking the grounds, and remember the power of the priesthood. Remember the holiness of the ordinances. Remember that it is possible and it is worth it. My great-grandparents are examples of that. They can be together for eternity because they participated in sacred ordinances and then lived to be worthy of a place in the celestial kingdom. And I'm sure it was hard for them. But I'm also sure that it was worth it.

On their 75th anniversary

A picture I took at my cousin Larissa's wedding- they were always together and now they never have to be apart again

Dear World,

I seem to be writing a lot of letters lately. This one is for you, world- confusing, crazy, filled with darkness and hurt and pain and sometimes- great beauty.

Do you remember where you came from? Out of the darkness, you were shaped by divine hands for a marvelous purpose. You were filled with wonder and light, and all those things needed to sustain life. All of us mortals were placed here to play a part in that same marvelous purpose and wondrous plan. Yet, as part of this plan, there needed to be an opposition. The darkness set foot on your soils and tempted, tormented, and cried out with terror and fear. This darkness touched us- and it has touched you.

Now the darkness is everywhere, attempting to bring everything to chaos. Confusion reigns supreme. Growing up here, I was caught in the whirlpool for a little while- and it still tugs at me now. One blogger said it perfectly, talking about the outcry over Beauty and the Beast:

"There’s a bigger issue in society that no one signs a petition for or writes blogs about or smothers social media with, and that’s because it’s not a “sexy” trend. But it’s poisoning our kids left and right. And more than two men kissing, it is creating a desensitized generation.
And that’s pornography.
I’m not just talking about the X-rated videos and images that are blatantly pornographic.
I’m talking about the fact that every movie I see nowadays it feels like it has at least one scene with a topless woman in it. I’m talking about commercials for lubricant or Viagra that cross so many lines I’ve lost track–and the sex scenes in every new release movie, music video, and even theater plays of our generation that explicitly show sex, promiscuous women, rape, strippers, sexually abusive relationships, prostitution….need I even go on? It is romanticized, glamorized, airbrushed, and lauded. It is shown so frequently and in so many ways that it has become our normal."

Everything within you, world, seems to lean towards confusion. Who are you attracted to, how can you be noticed (because that is accepted as being the same as loved), what gender are you? How can you make yourself more attractive? You are full of a sexualized culture that treats bodies as pleasure objects and people as animals, who are slaves to their desires. You laud instant gratification, then shout that you've been robbed when the consequences arrive. The children within your society cannot avoid being exposed to these ideals- of abuse, of dominance, of bribery. They cannot avoid the message that their worth comes from their body's attractiveness.

Because of the voices I heard, I struggled to believe I was beautiful- because boys didn't want to date me. I struggled to believe I was worth anything- because I wasn't famous or noticed or well-known. And I was sheltered. I lived in a home that was a refuge from many of these influences. I cannot even imagine what it would have been like without that sanctuary. I might not have survived. You told me I was small and worthless because I didn't have the perfect body, I didn't curl my hair or style it with some expensive product, I didn't care about makeup or fashion.

Luckily, the gospel says something different. Through the Spirit, I can sometimes catch a glimpse of what good is in this world.

I see my mom, who has battled mental illness her whole life, still getting up in the morning. Still going to church. Still working hard. Still loving, with a heart that is bigger and gentler than anyone else I know. I've never known anyone who can make a baby laugh as quickly as my mother.

I see some of my dearest friends, fighting so hard to overcome addictions, frustrations, and everything else, struggling against a thousand angry, doubting voices, continuing to push forward, through dark times, through sadness and pain, through loneliness and uncertainty. Never giving up and holding fast to the fire of their testimony- which I have felt through a thousand letters and conversations. That fire burns brightly still. They will see victory. I believe that, a thousand times over.

I see many people quietly battling for the good that is in you, world, by living their lives to what they know is right. They may not raise protests or make the evening news. The biggest difference they may make is in the lives of their children who watch their noble example. But in the end, I believe that is the biggest difference that can possibly be made.

I see others showing endless compassion and charity towards those who are struggling. They never give up on the ones they love, and they never stop reaching out.

I have seen many who, through the long night of doubt, have emerged with their faith held high. World, your night could not dim their flame. Your darkness could not dampen their spirits permanently. That spark never went out.

I see myself- still here, still fighting every day for the faith that holds me steady. I can finally believe that I am beautiful and that I am worth something- even though I'm still not famous and I don't have boys falling at my feet. That doesn't affect my worth or my beauty. I am beautiful- and so are you- because we were created by Him, and He is a creator of beauty. I am worth something because I am a child of God and because of the potential within me. My goal is to become someone not great or famous but just good. Someone full of light and strength, who can see the truth through the darkness. So in a way, world, I am grateful for your darkness, because it is making me stronger. By fighting against it, I am choosing who I want to be.

I have seen all kinds of people- which still is only a small fraction of those that exist all around this earth, and the sheer variety astounds me. Each person truly is unique. You cannot convince me that this is not the work of those same divine hands.  I have been blessed to feel- so briefly- a small part of the love that Heavenly Father feels for His children. Though you, world, try to hide that fact, try and deceive me into not believing, into not loving, into anger and hatred and doubt, I cannot deny what I have felt.

You have tried to take my attention from that which truly matters, and turn it to those things which are of no worth, and cannot satisfy. Because in the end, we all long for something greater, something eternal. You are still telling lies about the small things, blowing them out of proportion, in order to confuse and lead us away from what truly will beautify our lives, and give us a sense of who we truly are.

There is still beauty in you. The towering pines of the Pacific Northwest, the Rocky Mountains, the sunsets every evening, the billowing clouds, the flowers and plants...it is all beautiful. And one day, world, the beauty and light will overcome the darkness, and you will be restored to your rightful state, as a witness of the glory of God. The day when Christ comes again, that is when the darkness will be cast out. I can't wait.

Love,
Erin

To Whom It May Concern

Dear you,

Today I want you to know that you are a fighter. You are a warrior. And you are strong.

There are so many voices in this world. They'll tell you who you should be, what to wear, how to think, what to believe. Many of them have good intentions- I can't fault them for that. But I want you to know that no matter what, unless it is accompanied by the peace and whisperings of the Spirit, you do not need to give it any heed.

There is so much temptation, so much evil, all around us. Exposure to it cannot be avoided. Sin is more accessible than ever- which means that we must be stronger. Luckily, our Savior has all the strength we could ever require. Luckily, He has already won the war and now we must fight our individual battles. And even if we lose one, or three, or a thousand, if we keep fighting, we will win the war. Strength doesn't come all at once, like a flash of lightning (at least not in my experience). Conquering whatever tempts us and draws us in is not easy. Sometimes it is incredibly lonely. Sometimes the voices in the world will tell you that it is impossible and you can't make it and you might as well give up. But what I want to tell you is that those voices are WRONG. Yes, it's hard and it seems lonely. But your Savior is with you. And I am on your side. If you are fighting to choose the right, remember that His strength is available to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Jesus Christ never closes shop, or takes weekend vacations.

Many of these voices are discouraging. Many tell you lies about who you are, what you are worth, and what you are capable of becoming. Remember what the scriptures say. You are a child of God- a child of the all-powerful, Creator of the universe. And He knows you and loves you, individually. For most of my life, I didn't really believe that. There are seven billion or so people on the earth right now. Not to mention the billions that lived and died before me, and all those who will live after me. I felt small and insignificant. But as I studied the plan of salvation, as I learned about the Atonement, and most especially as I attended the temple, I felt the witness of the Spirit confirm that He does know me. He has the capacity to perfectly love, know, and care for all of the billions of people who walk this earth. His love for someone else does not diminish His love for me, and vice versa. He has an individual plan for my life, and for your life, and for your sister's life, or your dad's life, and He knows how to make all the pieces fit. It is incomprehensible, how amazing He is, and how great His love is. So if right now, you can't seem to feel or have faith in that love, then go to the temple. If you can't go inside, then sit on the grounds. Study the Atonement. There is always more. Pray and ask- Ask Heavenly Father if He loves you. Ask Him if He knows you. He will tell you.

When I was in the MTC, I felt a great desire to know if God truly knew and loved me. I had heard it a thousand times through Primary and Seminary and Sunday School, but I had trouble believing. So I prayed, earnestly and honestly, and I asked. That week, my companion and I decided to participate in the MTC choir. We were singing the song "A Child's Prayer" (listen here). Before we began, the director got up and he told us a story of his daughter when she was little. He began by talking about how big the universe is- if our galaxy were the thickness of one sheet of paper, it would take a stack that was billions of sheets of paper tall to even begin to equal the size of the universe. On one particular Sunday, his daughter was in the Primary program and they were singing a song called "Scripture Power." I remember singing the same song while I was in Primary. There was a part where all the children held their scriptures in the air. Well they got to church and his daughter says, "I forgot my Book of Mormon!" Her special book, with her name on the front. He told her to just borrow some scriptures from the meetinghouse library but she insisted. Her book had been lost for a while. So, for his daughter, he drove home and on the way he said a prayer. He asked Heavenly Father to help him find this little girl's scriptures so she could hold them up. And immediately into his mind came the image of exactly where they were and he found them and brought them to his daughter. Our director expressed to us that despite the universe being so large, and Heavenly Father being a piece of every part of it, that He cared enough to pause and point out that girl's scriptures.

Faith is a funny thing. It's not a one-size-fits-all, nor is it blindly following wherever someone may lead. If I had to say something, I'd say faith is a lot like trust. It's trusting in our Heavenly Father's plan. Faith comes by choice, first and foremost. It comes by study. And most importantly, it comes by the Spirit. There have been many times I've had questions. And I've studied and prayed and studied some more. The answer always comes. Not always quickly, but it always comes, and then things make sense. I may be young. I may be inexperienced. But I know that God answers prayers. I know that He has a plan and that He cares. He is always by my side and He is always by yours. That I do know from my own experience. I cannot deny the spiritual experiences I've had. So lean on Him. Ask questions. Wait for the answer. Trust in Him- by choice. That will bring you true peace.

Love,
Erin

Tossed To And Fro

"And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive" (Ephesians 4:11-14). 

These verses have become some of my favorites. Earlier on in the same chapter is a verse we quoted often in my mission- verse 5, which says "One Lord, one faith, one baptism." That verse is one that Joseph Smith read before reading the better-known James 1:5 and having the miraculous experience known as the First Vision. And because of that, because of the First Vision and Joseph's calling as a prophet of the Lord, just as Moses and Abraham and Noah of old, I can find comfort in the verses above, that because of modern apostles and prophets, I need not be "tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine." In today's world, that is a big deal. I feel as if the "winds of doctrine" have gone from small breezes to regular hurricane-strength gusts that will carry us away if we aren't holding on to something steady.

On my mission I had an interesting experience with this scripture. For background- while I was serving, the First Presidency sent out a letter and announced changes in the leadership handbook that stated that the children of homosexual couples cannot be baptized until the age of eighteen. My first response was to be a little angry and upset- it seemed unfair and cruel. As missionaries, we talk to a lot of people, and so we heard a wide variety of responses (luckily a member had let us know to expect it, since as missionaries in my mission, we also didn't watch the news or use Facebook or other social media).

Attempting to figure this out was rather hard. But, because I'd had similar dilemmas before, I knew where I'd find answers- in the words of the scriptures and our modern day prophet and apostles, and through the Holy Ghost. So I studied it out. I read a lot. And eventually things began to make a little more sense- although I didn't understand it perfectly, I knew enough to move forward with faith. But this post isn't about this specific policy; it's about the scripture from Ephesians.

We had been meeting with a woman for a short amount of time who had been baptized many years ago but had not been coming to church for a long time (she had the neatest, sweetest dog). And she asked us about this policy. She was offended and felt that it was wrong. She expressed her views and we were able to really talk about it. I tried to share some of what I'd come across in my own studies, but really, she didn't want to listen. Which to me was so sad that, because of her anger, she'd deny the Spirit, and the sure foundation Heavenly Father has provided in His gospel. That's when I remembered this scripture (or the Spirit brought it to my mind), and connected it with another of my favorites, Ether 12:4, which reads "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

In that moment, the Spirit spoke to me and taught me something very valuable. I learned that the world tells us a lot of things. The world will tell us who we have to be or what we have to think or wear or do to be enough. The world will take doctrine and twist it until it is nearly unrecognizable. Satan will attempt to confuse us and anger us, tell us to be offended and to turn our backs on every truth because of one thing we don't like or 100% agree with. The world will keep throwing words like "bigot" or "cult" or "prejudiced" against us. But when has that ever not been the case? When have God's ways ever been popular in the world? The truth is, staying to the strait and narrow path is not easy, nor should we expect it to be. But because of what we have been blessed with- because of modern day apostles and prophets, because we have that active living revelation through them, and also personally, we have a sure foundation. That is what makes "an anchor to the souls of men." I have something to hold onto when those hurricane winds swirl around me and threaten to rip me apart. We are all to be united. We are all to love one another. And that can be done while staying true to the commandments, whether through ancient or modern prophets. The world will tell us that is impossible. But I can tell you, through experience, that not only is it possible, but it is worth it.

The world often tells me things that seem to make sense. They appear logical at first. But they cause me to have self-doubt, confusion, sadness, and fear. Those are signs to me- signs that I need to take a step back, to look at the eternal perspective through the lens of the Plan of Salvation and guided by the Holy Ghost. Then I can have peace of mind and focus on what is really important. I can live in this world without being of this world- without being tossed about with every new fad, trend, or movement. And I know there are so man people out there who are doing the same, and I am so grateful for you and for the example you set to me and to those around you. The world needs you. Stay strong. And if you're having trouble- turn to the scriptures. Turn to the words of our living prophet. Turn to your Heavenly Father in prayer. Slowly and surely, everything will make sense. Everything will fall into place. I promise you that.

"Perfection Pending"

"For he is the same yesterday, today and forever; and the way is prepared for all men from the foundation of the world, if it so be that they repent and come unto him. For he that diligently seeketh shall find" (1 Nephi 10:18-19)

Throughout my life I have struggled with perfectionism and wanting to get everything exactly right, right now. I always knew when I was too stressed because I'd catch myself in my prayers apologizing for not being perfect. I held myself to such high expectations and sometimes that would lead to judging others and expecting the same from them. That's sort of a negative way to live.

On my mission I began to learn and more importantly, to accept, that perfection is more of a process than a state of being, an end goal rather than an expectation. I found that when I turned to people for help when I was struggling that, rather than tell me to get over it (as I expected they would), they responded with compassion and offered to help. This was especially at the time mentioned in my previous post where I had been struggling with anxiety. I received countless wonderful priesthood blessings from my Heavenly Father through righteous priesthood holders that provided the exact counsel and comfort that I needed. I realized that it was okay for me to struggle and need help, rather than having to be the strong one and never show any weakness.

Since I returned from my mission I have struggled similarly, expecting to have a job, a major, and my life completely planned out within 3-4 weeks. Which is really unrealistic. (Though I did get a job yesterday!!). I felt as though by taking breaks, I was somehow failing. This has led to a lot of unnecessary stress. Then, this morning I read in the Book of Mormon those verses listed above and I noticed that it never says perfection is a requirement.

Let me repeat that.

It never says perfection is a requirement. 

The way is prepared for all men (which means no exceptions, including me) if they repent and come unto Him. If they diligently seek Him. Those are the two requirements mentioned here: repentance and diligence. Neither of them involve perfection or never messing up. They represent consistent and patient effort to turn to Him who is mighty to save, He who knows our every thought, doubt, pain, and joy.

In my copy of Preach My Gospel, under "Diligence" in chapter 6, I found a quote I'd written down from one of my dad's emails to me. He said "Diligence is one of the best and most hopeful concepts in the gospel. The Lord only expects our patient and continual efforts. He is not so much interested in speed as much as He is in direction. He expects us to face Him and keep moving toward Him."

Then, Russell M Nelson said (in a talk titled "Perfection Pending") "We need not be dismayed if our earnest efforts toward perfection now seem so arduous and endless. Perfection is pending. It can come in full only after the Resurrection and only through the Lord. It awaits all who love him and keep his commandments. It includes thrones, kingdoms, principalities, powers, and dominions. It is the end for which we are to endure. It is the eternal perfection that God has in store for each of us." In the same talk, Russell M Nelson discusses how the Greek work for "perfect" in scriptures such as Matthew 5:48 actually indicates "achieving a distant goal" as opposed to being free from error.

To me, this is a lesson I have to learn again and again- and it seems the Lord never gets tired of reminding me, in His patient and gentle way. I am allowed to struggle. I am allowed to have bad days, or weeks, as long as I continue to remember Him, to diligently seek Him and to repent. As long as I keep trying and keep fighting, I cannot lose.

When I was struggling on my mission, the mission nurse gave me a list of quotes to read every day. One of them, by Bruce R McConkie, has become a favorite to remember. He said "I believe in becoming perfect; I also believe in the law of eternal progression."

So my message today is this: If the things you face seem overwhelming, if the roar of Satan's armies is loud in your ears, don't forget to look behind you. There is a greater army of light there than you could ever imagine. Your friends and family are there, standing ready to fight for you. Your ancestors beyond the veil surround you. And your Savior- He is right beside you, for He has already won this war. He knows exactly what you need to do, exactly how long it will take. It may be days, weeks, years, or a lifetime, but the victory is yours- if you repent and diligently seek Him. And if you slip and fall- repent and turn to Him again. He is always waiting.

Even As Also I Am Known

"For now, we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known" (1 Corinthians 13:12) 

My thoughts touched upon something very important in my studies today. I was reading the talk "The Fourth Missionary" by Lawrence E Corbridge for about the thousandth time and I began to think and to look back on my mission and on my life.

I used to not understand humility at all. I used to think humility meant that I must think nothing of myself, that I was worthless and had to submit to the will of some all powerful God if I was ever going to measure up, that I had to meet these impossibly high standards and I always felt as if my efforts were never enough. Because of this attitude I often caught myself comparing who I was to others and judging them on their failings and imperfections, just as I judged myself.

Slowly, though, I began to see that I was wrong (I frequently am- it seems to be the best way to learn things). On my mission I received the impression to stud first patience and then the Atonement. I also studied humility. And the real picture began to come together. I finally saw a loving God, a Father, who knows that the only way that I can be refined and molded into the person He intends me to be is through trials and opposition. I understood that going through these trials and making these choices was a privilege that I fought for in my premortal existence, alongside many other valiant and noble souls.

I saw a loving Savior who suffered and lived every moment of our lives alongside us, who paid the price we can never pay, who loves us from eternity to eternity, giving the greatest gift of all so that we may return to our Father. I saw how the plan our Father provided offered a way home that is both simple and treacherous, one that pays for what we cannot while still allowing us to choose to follow His path

I understood that I have a perfect Father who has a perfect plan- the amazing, big, grand plan, but also and individual plan for me. And for you. And for your neighbor across the street. And for your best friend. He knows what He is doing and who He needs each of us to be. He knows our unique needs and quirks, and He always provides. And He always lets us choose whether or not to accept what He offers.

I began to understand that humility was less an acknowledgment of my weakness and more a rejoicing in His strength. One time, later in my mission, I was asked in district meeting to define humility, and the words that came to mind were "confidence in God." This was a new thought to me, a summation of all that I'd learned thus far. That I can believe in my own divine potential, in my own worth, and rejoice in and rely on the strength that my Savior offers me at the same time.

After this realization, I started to live my life as if it were true. And I noticed something very interesting. Although I am still not perfect, I still make mistakes, I still get down in the dumps and have bad days, I have discovered that, if I can remember these simple truths, that deep down in my heart, there is always peace. Even when I am afraid or annoyed or tired, I have peace. I know that because of my Savior, I can overcome any trial, face any fear, and that even if it takes time, He has already won the victory. The only way I can lose is by giving up the fight- so I keep fighting every day to draw nearer to my Savior, little by little.

Humility and patience to me mean that I don't have to be perfect today and that He doesn't expect me to be. It means turning to Him in doubt and fear. It means fighting because I know that the battle is already won as long as I do not falter. It means turning to His strength when my own is not enough, turning to His wisdom and knowing that the world's will never suffice. It means He is my rock. It means believing in myself and in who I can be, and loving who I am today while striving for improvement tomorrow. It means getting up after a bad experience, after a hard week, dusting myself off and trying again.

The scripture at the beginning, from Corinthians, is one that seems to represent how I feel. I can't understand everything perfectly in this life, like looking through foggy glass, but someday, when the Savior comes again, I will see Him face to face. More than anything, I want Him to be proud of me. I want to say that I lived my life faithfully even when I didn't understand or when it was hard. And then, on that day, I will "know even as also I am known"- that is, perfectly.

"That I May Write The Things Of God"

I have tried to write this two or three times because I know there is something important I need to say. It is hard to express in words.

Life moves on.

Time passes

People come and go, in and out, and sometimes I wonder, will I ever know what becomes of them?

I used to wonder all the time what other people thought of me. I worried relentlessly about being anything less than perfect, about messing up or hurting someone. I had a sincere desire to do the right thing, but in a way, it went too far. I cared so much about what these people thought of me that I forgot what God thought of me.

I graduated high school and went to college, where I made many new friends, yet the old worries still came.

I submitted my papers for a mission.

I waited.

The breakdown came the day before my mission call arrived in the mail. I was so afraid to go and to talk to these people. What will they think of me? I worried what people would say or do and how I could possibly handle it all. I cried for a long time and I hid.

A good friend told me all I had to do was love the people. That was it. And then I would be okay.

So I did. I spent eighteen months in the Pacific Northwest loving the people, fighting my demons, and most importantly, I grew closer to God.

Then something interesting happened.

I realized I didn't really care what people thought anymore. I cared about them, instead of caring about how they felt about me. I realized that I am a daughter of God and that His opinion is all that matters. And I realized that in His eyes, I am special and divine and unique. I have a role to play in His plan. I realized that this was unchanging. That He was always by my side and that He always had been, even in the darkest and loneliest of nights.

Now, those people I used to worry about have all seemed to fade away. High school is a distant memory. None of that lasted for very long. After all, it's only been a little less than three years.

I have watched lives move forward and people change. I have seen how my perceptions from long ago were wrong. I realized how much I needed my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and how much I could rely on them. They have never let me down- and they never will.

Once, in a district meeting, the question was asked, "How would you define humility?" And I said "Confidence in God."

That is the truest thing I know. That is what I hold on to. I have confidence that in the end, everything will fall into place because He promised that it will. I have confidence in myself and my potential because He told me who I am. I know myself the importance of having a determined heart, and following Him is a choice I make every day. I can have confidence because of Him. My strength is in Him. He is everything, and He will never fail.

Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that. I would have been cynical. I "believed" but didn't have faith because I thought I was too flawed to be fixed.

Now I know better.

So I am grateful every day for my mission. I am grateful for the opportunity to be, uninterrupted, with the Spirit, to learn and grow while facing some of the toughest adversity I've faced yet. I am grateful that I learned about the Atonement and that I can change. I don't have to be who I was. Today does not have to be like yesterday, because of Him. I am grateful for the friends I made, especially in my Heavenly Father and Savior. I am grateful for words. Even though they are not perfect, they have become my vehicle to understanding the world. I am grateful that now my foundation is built on solid ground. I am grateful to be able to move forward.

The deepest desire of my heart is to look at His face on that final day and to hear Him say my name with pride. The deepest desire of my heart is to be welcomed into His presence, to hear the words "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

And now I believe that I can make it there.

He Will Make You Whole

This morning, I embarked on the adventure of reading the Book of Mormon through with a question- and this time the question I selected was "What lack I yet?" I received many impressions pointing towards the future even in just the first few pages, of how to live purposefully, how to rest when needed, how to rely on the Spirit of the Lord. Then I came upon this verse:

"And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice and his heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him" (1 Nephi 1:15, emphasis added)

That phrase instantly struck me- "and his heart was filled." On my mission and throughout my life I have struggled with a deep emptiness of heart. I have felt nagging self-doubt, crippling fear and panic, overwhelming sadness, and so many things.

This especially seemed to peak on my mission. I reached a point where I felt barely able to go out to work every morning. I had lost my hope. I was lagging in energy. I felt extreme anxiety at the thought of speaking to strangers and of being rejected again....and again....and again. I felt so lost. One night I broke down. I sat in the bathroom (the only place where I could be alone) and cried. I felt my soul was struggling against the darkness and losing. I felt like everything was lost and that I was worth nothing. I felt that my Father in Heaven was disappointed and that I had failed Him, that I was holding back His work.

Luckily for me, I had a companion who was in tune with the Spirit. She came and knocked on the door of the bathroom and we sat and talked until I felt well enough to go to bed. Soon after, we went to the mission nurse and explained what was going on and asked for help- one of the hardest and most humbling experiences I have ever had. I expressed my feelings, and instead of responding with disdain, or anger (which is, for some reason, always what I expect), everyone in the office responded with increased love and care. They didn't seem to lose respect for me. They cared about me. I received a wonderful priesthood blessing of strength and a confirmation that I was not alone, that my Father was not disappointed in me, and that I would be strong enough to get through this.

I was referred to a counselor through LDS Family Services, one who regularly works with missionaries. At first I was kind of ashamed and I felt a bit broken, having to go to "counseling." For me, there was some kind of stigma associated with it. (Afterwards, now knowing what I do, I realized that needing to see a counselor is far more common among missionaries than I realized, and that really there is nothing to be ashamed of). I met with him and he helped me talk through my thoughts. We went over what was running through my head. Then we began to analyze the thoughts. Things such as "nobody likes me" and "I'm not good enough." Thoughts of failure, of ruining everything. He explained to me that much of this was all objective. We began to get out of my impulse brain and into my reasoning brain. We talked back to those thoughts. The result is the picture below- the bad thoughts in red, and the reasonable ones in green. (it wasn't complete because we ran out of time).

I began to realize that much of this darkness wasn't truth. It came from Satan's whispers. I was engaged in the greatest work of all- to bring down his kingdom, a war he has already lost. Of course he wanted me to fail! I left feeling rejuvenated. 

The anxiety and doubt didn't go away overnight. In fact, so far, it hasn't gone away at all. But for the rest of my mission, I got much better at talking back to it. There are some facts that I know that I do not let myself forget. The first is that my Heavenly Father loves me. That is unchangeable. The second is that He is not disappointed in me. As long as I continue to fight, to keep His commandments and follow Him, I will not disappoint Him! I have been told that He is proud of me in many priesthood blessings. I choose to believe that. I remember that I have worth that is infinite, outside of anything I do, and that my potential is great. I remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, that He doesn't expect me to be perfect now, only to keep getting back up and moving forward. I remember that my Savior's Atonement is infinite and that it is infinite for me. He can heal me and fix me. I am never broken beyond repair. 

Sometimes I still break down and cry. Sometimes there are bad days where my mind won't be silenced and I just have to let it be or distract myself. Most of the time, hard work is the answer. And service. Sometimes the answer is to rest, and that is okay- I have learned that it is okay to rest.  

In that verse that I quoted at the beginning, it said "his whole heart was filled." As I have climbed and hung on and battled upwards, I have felt that. The deep hole in my heart, that dark pit of anxiety and depression and fear, it can and has been filled many times. To overflowing. Even when I am afraid and anxious, even when I am sad, the Spirit brings peace within my fear, in the midst of my doubt. My Father's quiet whispers overwhelm every lie Satan whispers. Even when I am afraid, I am at peace. Even on my bad days, I can know that it will pass and I will be filled again. It is a promise from a perfect Father and He does not, nor will He ever break His promises. 

Though my burden has not been taken, I have been made strong enough to bear it. My healing has not been one time, but a little every day. And it has gotten better. And it will continue to get better. I know where my path leads- back home to my God, where finally there will be a rest from doubt and fear, where there will be only joy and rejoicing, and my heart will be full forever. That is the hope of the Atonement. That is the majesty of our Father's plan. That even though I am imperfect and sometimes lost in the shadows, there is a light ahead. And there is a Guide on the path and He has never left my side. I know that He has never left me throughout everything. And He will never leave you. He has always been with you. And He will fill your heart. 

This has been my life for nearly a year now- the battle of fighting back against fear and the adversary, the battle of choosing faith and choosing not to give up and drown in the darkness. And I will win. The victory has already been assured by my Savior in whom I trust. I will win. You will win. If you choose Him. He can lift you out of any darkness.

"But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole." (Luke 8:50)

"Things That Grow Slowly..."

The other day, my dad gave me some advice. He said "things that grow slowly live the longest."

Rewind about ten minutes. I was sitting on the couch, attempting to write my talk and feeling so totally overwhelmed by all I needed to do. I had to write this talk, and do it perfectly of course, I had to have the Spirit in it. I have to find housing for BYU in the fall. I have to find a job- I'd applied to a couple places with no luck yet. And of course, there was the inevitable pressure to attend a YSA branch, find an eternal companion, and live happily ever after. There was pressure to be productive and pressure to rest and I didn't know which to choose. It all came crashing down in tears. That's when my dad came to the rescue.

"Erin," he said, "you've only been home for eight days."

Wait. You mean, no one expects me to have a job, housing, class schedule, and engagement ring eight days after returning home from a mission?

He proceeded to tell me that I was perfectly normal. If I wasn't stressed out, he'd be worried. He said that all of that pressure was really all in my head. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and to take things slow. I'm not going to be put out on the streets if I don't have a job right after stepping off the plane. I don't have to be going every minute of the day like I was on my mission- I can slow down a bit and take time to make sure that I am okay. I can take time to read a book or have a nap, or write a blog post.

I can take the time to become comfortable with myself as a person in this world that is upside down from the past eighteen months. I can figure out where I fit and how I want to fit and what I want to do at the pace that I need.

So this week, I wrote my talk. I applied for a job (and didn't get it). I drank my smoothies in the morning because I know my brain does better on that than on cereal. I get up early (not 6:30, but before 9) and I make sure to exercise and study my scriptures. I've even tried listening to normal music a few times (and I've found that some of my tastes have changed). I've watched a few movies. I've discovered I loathe when everyone is stuck inside their mobile devices. I've spent time with friends and family. I caught a cold- and so I was able to get some extra sleep without having to work through it (too much).

Spending time with my friends helped a ton with making me feel more at home. My talk went very well (even if I gave it through a stuffed nose). I found some more places to apply to for a job. I started my ecclesiastical endorsement (halfway there) and today I'm making a bigger plan. I want to look at my week and plan, and set goals.

I learned on my mission that the opinions of others do not define me. I learned that Satan's favorite tools to incapacitate me are stress, anxiety, and discouragment. I've learned that ignoring those feelings, and fighting back, is the est way for me to be productive and confident. It is the only way for me to feel at peace, and to keep moving forward. Guilt holds me back. Fear pushes me under. I have to have faith, trust in God, and most especially work with patience. Because now I've been home for two weeks. I still don't have everything under control or worked out, and that is perfectly okay. Nobody expects me to. I just have to keep trying and everything will fall into place in the way it needs to be.

"You have months ahead of you," my dad said.

"I am proud of you," he said.

"Things that grow slowly live the longest"