Jacob 5 And Happy Endings

For my mission preparation class, we were challenged to read Jacob 5 closely. As I did, I realized something. It's something I've known, but for whatever reason, this time it had extra force.

This story has a happy ending.

Jacob 5 is, of course, the allegory of the olive tree. It shows the trees, tame and wild, and the fruit, bad and good. We are the fruit and the master of the vineyard is the Lord. The chapter chronicles the Lord's efforts in His vineyard to gain a good harvest, with good (righteous) fruit. It is a story of humanity. As I read through the end, it really hit me for the first time that this story, our story, has a happy ending.

"And it came to pass that when the Lord of the vineyard saw that his fruit was good, and that his vineyard was no more corrupt, he called up his servants, and said unto them: Behold, for this last time have we nourished my vineyard...and I have preserved the natural fruit, that it is good, even like as it was in the beginning...and the bad is cast away, behold ye shall have joy with me because of the fruit of my vineyard." (Jacob 5:75-76)

It ends well!

This is so important to me, that this story, our story, my story, ends well. We can find joy.

"If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you. He says to you, as He said to Joseph Smith, "[Your] adversity and [your]afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if [you] endure it well, God shall exalt [you] on high." (President Uchtdorf, "Your Happily Ever After," May 2010)

The other important part of Jacob 5, that fits in well with President Uchtdorf's talk, is the middle. The part where the vineyard is constantly back and forth between bad and good . This is the part of life that I think we are all intimately familiar with. This is normal life. Things go back and forth between being good and bad- we go back and forth between being good and bad.

"Sandwiched between their "once upon a time" and "happily ever after," they all had to experience great adversity. Why must all experience sadness and tragedy?...The scriptures tell us there must be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter...Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy."("Your Happily Ever After")

The world is filled with "bad fruit" and if we let it get to us, we too will become bad. But if we stand strong, we can be the good fruit that lasts through the days to the happy ending that we have been promised. Dan Clark spoke at today's devotional in the Marriott, and he talked about how we become like the people we spend time with. He compared it to putting one sick and one healthy child in a room together- you will get two sick children. (Brother Clark's talk was really good, I may do a separate post on parts of it).

This is coming down to the same thing that I've said so many times before: If we do our best and work our hardest towards the light, then we will reach our happy ending. We will be able to live with our Father again, as long as we strive to get there.

So don't stop moving forward! Don't give up, because if you keep moving, you will get a happy ending.

Fun Times

College life is the best. Home teachers bringing cookies (cookies and cream cookies!) and joking over text message. It's a fun life :)

Leaving is a Reason

She left the note on the table and walked away

Out that door she’d walked out so many times before

And she smiled

He read the note, and what it had to say

He’d refused to hear it so many times before

And he cried

Because sometimes leaving is the reason

That they are finally able to see

Because sometimes leaving has a season

And they weren’t meant to last, truly

She saw the sky in a whole new light

She was alone and finally could spread her wings

And she smiled

He sat in the living room with his internal fight

He had to deal with all of her things

And he cried

Because sometimes leaving is a reason

For us to find who we’re meant to be

Because sometimes leaving is a season

Where we all find a way to be free

He got out of town, took a trip away

He finally let go of what held him down

And he smiled

She reached out her hand, a heart starting to sway

She watched him as he drove out of town

And she cried

Because sometimes leaving is a reason

For us to finally be whom we are

Because sometimes leaving is the season

Where we leave the road we’ve followed so far

She left him behind because she couldn’t stay

The good had fled and all was pain

And she cried

He had opened the door and showed her the way

Though he hadn’t meant to give her pain

And he cried

And sometimes leaving isn’t a reason

It’s a result of fighting so long

And sometimes leaving comes with the season

Because the love just wasn’t that strong

And sometimes leaving is a reason

For ending what hurt so much

And she thinks that leaving at the season

Makes it easier when she misses his touch

And sometimes leaving is the reason to leave

And sometimes the season follows them out

And sometimes it’s time, and it’s easy to grieve

And sometimes you want to run after and shout

And sometimes you want to bring them back

And tell them the real reason

“I love you”

My Home

I want a home where my children will never doubt that Mommy loves Daddy

A home where even when things are going wrong, they can be fixed

A home where things do get fixed

A home where nobody is ever too broken

A home where everyone can feel safe

A home where everyone can grow and laugh and have joy

A home where it's okay to be sad

A home where it's okay to be happy, too

I want a home with God at its center

A home where prayer and scripture study always happen

A home where we turn to Him with our troubles and hurt

I want an eternal home

And I will strive to gain it

So Far

My past is littered with broken promises
And commitments that fell through
Things I thought to do and didn't
Things I wish I'd never done

But it's also lined with beauty and hung with laughter
Colored by joy and good friends
And leading to strength
And hopefully better resolve than before

I still have so far to go
But see how far I've come

Testimony

Today was Fast Sunday for my ward, which means we got to listen to and bear our own testimonies. I did not get up and bear mine, but I'd like to now.

While the Sacrament was being passed today, I had a thought. In our ward, we meet in the Tanner Building on BYU Campus. This is a building where classes are held. And a building where sacred ordinances like the Sacrament can take place. What a miracle it is, that we can have the Sacrament wherever we may meet, even if it isn't in an official meetinghouse. We can partake of this ordinance wherever we have a worthy priesthood holder, and that is truly a gift from God.

Modern technology is also a gift. We can watch- and rewatch!- Conference broadcasts, Mormon messages, devotionals, anything. We can read the scriptures and counsel from our leaders. We can even engage in discussion and missionary work with people who are halfway around the world! That is something people could never even have dreamed of years ago. We talked in Sunday School today about Isaiah. Specifically Isaiah 5:29 (which reference I was just able to find again using the search function in the app on my phone...) where it prophesies of the last days.

We talked about how Isaiah would describe the last days, including things such as airplanes. In the scripture, it says the lion will "carry [its prey] away safe" which is funny because usually a lion's prey isn't what most people call safe. But an airplane, or a train- they pick up the people, "eat" them, and then deliver them safely to their destination. And they definitely roar.

But imagine, not knowing the concept of an airplane or a train. Imagine someone explaining it to you this way- how confusing that would be! But we don't have to worry about that, because we're raised knowing about it. We live in a world of marvels, things that once couldn't be comprehended. And all of this technology can be used in the work of the Lord. That is amazing.

The Lord has done a great work in our world, and we are blessed to be a part of it. And He still has time for each of us personally. He knows us, loves us, cares for us, and guides us. It is a long held conviction of mine, one that has not yet been proved wrong, that if we do our best, the Lord will ensure that everything falls into place for our good. If we live, trusting in Him, and working towards a better future, we will find our paths made smooth. This I believe.

"Trust in God and believe in good things to come." -Jeffrey R Holland

Sewing

 Pushing through the fabric

gentle, soft, sliding

the thread pulls taut

and then the needle descends again

Slowly it takes shape

shifting, stitching, slow

becomes what it was meant to

and the needle ties a knot

The machine whirs

up down up down

the needle flying, bobbin spinning

changing the shape of the cloth

This is a way to create

forming, shaping, sweetly

making something new

from what wasn't there before

This is peaceful

quiet, patient, work

to shape the fabric

into something useful

Humanity

We keep trying against all odds
Because sometimes we succeed
Because to give in to failure would be to die
We try again and again
Because without this desperate effort
Without hope
We are but beasts, animals, or corpses
We cannot stop if we wish to be truly human
If you're alive, keep fighting
This battle can be won

Blog Of The Day

Obligatory post of the day.....thanks for filing up my bulletin board with good things, guys :)

Fire

I heard something interesting in my mission prep class earlier this morning, and though I can't remember the exact quote or reference, I remember the gist of it. And it's something I really want to think about.

Basically, it was that we are saved through fire.

Sinners are put to the flame, right? Flame does not just destroy, however- it also purifies. Like a forest fire that clears the way for new growth, we are purified through fire.

There's a reason that we hear about purification by fire and by the Holy Ghost so much. Sinners are put through the fire and emerge as saints. Sinners die in the flame, our inner forest is purified and cleared to make way for Him.

It's a fascinating concept to me. So often we view the fire as something bad and evil, the lake of fire and brimstone for sinners, but can the fire be a blessing?

The fire is not literal, obviously, at least not in this life. It is our trials and experiences. They forge us into better people.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but hostility whatever point I'm making is getting across.

The sinners die in the fire, and we are reborn through Him.

Motto

Everything will work out in the end, as long as we keep working

God and Miracles

Scientists can sometimes act like science somehow proves there is no God. Because everything has an order, everything can be explained. There are no miracles right? I think they have the wrong definition of miracle.

That everything has a place is a miracle to me. What kind of great creator could cause everything, every piece of our universe to fit together on its own without any need for divine interference? The complicated rules, the chemistry, the science, the atomic particles, the harmony in an ecosystem in balance, just the fact that there is so much to discover and that everything has a place, that is pretty miraculous to me.

If the definition of a miracle is something happening that defies all normal laws, then perhaps there are no miracles. But stop and consider the great artistry of our universe once in a while, and you might be surprised what you find. I find miracles.

This is an old piece- I was looking through old notes and found it, and rather liked it! So here it is

College Goals?

People

I do not believe we met by chance
On this lonely road at dusk
I cannot believe in a random collision of souls
That we were both here means it is meant to be
You and I
Friends

I believe we are placed on a path
To bump into those that can teach us
We can change for the better with them
And each teaches the other
You and I
Friends

I believe in bumping into strangers
On this lonely road called life
And bringing them into your journey
To share the hike and the beauty with
You and I
Friends

I believe in chance and change
But not coincidence or chaos
Not in the meeting of two souls that are
This vibrant when together
You and I
Friends

There is nothing out of place in this ordered world
Each of us is where we're meant to be
And so each of us has a purpose to meet
Here where we are
You and I

Friends

Sometimes I think I can see
Things that nobody else does
And other times I'm just clueless
Sometimes it's both

Photography

Some of my favorite photos from this morning :)

Dark Thoughts

Beat your head against the wall
Out thought out thought out!
But it persists

Headphones in and volume loud
Out thought out thought out!
Still it persists

Like cancer of the mind that eats a human soul
Out thought out thought please!
Yet it persists

Like shadows from sunset quickly spreading
Leave thought leave thought leave!
And it persists

Beat your head against the wall
Out thought.......
Until surrender, it persists

Dark thoughts

Signal (Pt 2)

I posted before about how trying to guess what people think of you is a pain. But you know what's worse? Mixed signals. (Okay it's kinda the same thing, but I'm gonna rant anyway). Also, clueless people. That's not really something I can be angry about though.

Mixed signals, I could rant about all night.

I can't stand them. This back and forth between how someone treats someone else. This inconstancy, inconsistency, shifting and changing, that bothers me. I'm the kind of person that needs someone to just be open with me, to show what they feel and not be confusing.

This is probably because I'm pretty clueless myself.

Yeah. If you don't practically slap me in the face with it, I probably won't get it. It's a rare occasion, and a very special person, when I do.

Out of my current friend group, I'm one of the people with the most romantic experience, I believe. Which is a major contrast to back home, and totally unnerving, so I tend not to think about it. If I've gained anything from the little experience I've had, it's that I'd always rather know. No matter how horrible it is, I'd rather know. Being kept in the dark stinks a lot. And so mixed signals just kinda mess me up. Because at that point, I don't know. And it's annoying, in a weirdly painful way.

Mixed signals are like secrets, and secrets don't make friends unless your friends know the secrets.

Mixed signals are like driving behind a guy who can't decide what lane to be in and you're trying to pass them. First they signal right, then let, then right, then nothing, then right again, and left, and you just want to scream at them: "Make up your mind!"

So anyway I can't be angry about clueless people, since I am one, but I am annoyed by mixed signals. Please try not to do that. It just hurts everyone involved.

Okay, rant done. Hopefully there's no part three.

Keep your fingers crossed and your signals clear!

Unrequited

We are all lost
We are all wandering
In our souls, we tread forgotten ground
The sky is great, the sand is dark
We stumble, we try, we trudge ever onward
The only color from our souls themselves

Sometimes from far away it seems
We see a soul that is familiar
In an unexplainable way
And we wave, we shout, we holler
But they do not turn
They simply start to walk away
So we follow, because we must know
If their soul is the one we're looking for

And we feel like needy children, forever shouting 

"Love me, love me!"

But we cannot stop, because we must know

But no matter how fast we run, how high we jump

It's never enough to catch up
They are always too far to hear us or to see
But if they could, would they think we were familiar
As they are to us?

And eventually we give up

They are too far away
Or perhaps they have met another soul
And you can see that there is no room for you there
Or perhaps you meet them and understand
They cannot be who you thought they were
And perhaps they never were

The first is worst, of course
You forever carry the memory of their shining soul
And wonder at the lost potential
The second is sad
For watching their attention be bestowed on another
After all the effort you made
That is sadness
The third is heartbreak
Feeling lied to and deceived
When really you fooled yourself

We souls walk this desolate ground alone
Searching for someone to share the loneliness with

Second Best

That is the worst feeling in the world- to feel second best. Unfortunately, it's a feeling I'm familiar with. Being kind of in the background, being a last resort, that's me. It kind of stinks a lot.

It's a hard feeling to get past. Because this feeling has its source in others' actions by definition, you have no control over whether or not you're second best to them. And it's hard to move past, to ignore or disregard, because who wants to be in that place?

It's like being the kids that always get chosen last for teams. You just stand there, awkwardly waiting for someone to claim you, while around you, everyone else is quickly being taken. It's that feeling of being unnoticed, perhaps even unnoticeable. It's really close to getting worthless, although not quite the same. It's possible to have a healthy self-esteem and still be affected by this.

It's feeling unrecognized and invisible. It's feeling like they see you as incompetent or not good enough.

My challenge is this: don't let anyone feel that way. Especially if they aren't your second choice. Especially if they're your friend. Humans are fragile beings- we must be careful, with ourselves and others.

This isn't to say you must pretend to care, but rather that you should let someone know where they stand. And also make up your mind, to include them or not, rather than this random divvying out of affection and indifference, so that they never know where they stand. That's the worst.

Overrated? Possibly

I had someone tell me recently that love is overrated. I'm not sure exactly what he may have meant by it in his own mind, but it got me thinking. And asking myself questions. This is my answer.

Is love really overrated?

I think the answer is yes.

I also think the answer is no.

Just a few weeks ago, I was finally privileged to meet my cousins' wives. I was also privileged to spend time with them and watch the way they interacted with each other- that is, my cousin interacting with his wife. I was also able to watch my great-grandparents and hear their story. And after seeing them together, I would say love is not overrated. I think that the wonderful parts are exactly as good as we think they are. Love in the proper place at the proper time can be beautiful.

But I also think many people put too much stock in love. Sometimes it seems that people think marriage will solve their problems and love will somehow heal their brokenness. The truth is, nothing can do that except you and God, working together. You have to complete yourself, you have to heal your own heart and put your own pieces together. I believe this has to happen before even considering marriage. And if it doesn't, it's still a personal journey. It's not something that a spouse can do for you.

Yet, if we can do this, if we piece ourselves together, then I believe love can be all that we want. It will be hard, harder than anything. But the things we put the most effort into can be the greatest. I believe that the love we dream of doesn't fall from the sky. It is a choice, made by two people who are complete in themselves (as complete as any of us can be) agreeing to spend their lives together. It is a pact, a choice, and a whole lot of hard work, but that's what makes it worth overrating. The bad times between us will be horrible, but the good times, they will shine.

The place where we go wrong is always in assuming it is easy, or that it will always be wonderful. There are hard times as well, and how you get through them decides whether you stay together. Love is only overrated if we overlook the hard things. And we do, sometimes, as a society, we do. Especially as young people. I finally had to stop reading certain kinds of books because I was overloaded by this overrating of love, by this idealized image of it as perfect and easy and falling from the sky. I hate the idea that love "completes" someone or that it "saves" them. That doesn't happen. You save yourself, and then you choose to love someone. You may not be able to choose if you like them or are attracted to them- that, I believe. But love, the true kind is a choice, and a hard one.

This is why I prefer sad stories, I think. They are truest to our human experience. And in truth, though in the past I've said it's not, life kind of can be Shakespearean. Very rarely does anyone get a "happy ending." And if they do, they've earned it.

So love is overrated, yes, but it's also not. It depends on how you see it.

Keep in mind while reading that I am an optimist with very little experience. But I do believe that this is right.

Salvation For All

I love 2 Nephi 26. There are so many gems of scripture. I especially love verses 24-33. In case you haven't read them, find it here.

These verses deal with the subject of salvation. But it's not the "be righteous or get thrust down to hell" kind of talk. Rather, it's the "salvation is for all men" and, one of my favorite quotes from the beginning of verse 24, "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world."

There's so much negative in the world, sometimes it's nice to hear the positive.

"Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price."

The Lord denies no one. Christ denies no one. Not a single one! Not Hitler, not James Holmes, not abusers, murderers, not any one. It doesn't matter how heinous their crimes- if they come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, if they are willing and ready to change, and accept the consequences from their actions, then he will take them in and give them a chance. I truly believe that. I believe that if we are willing to do all He asks of us, that He will take us in and help us repent.

"Hath he commanded any that they should not partake of his salvation? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to repentance."

He will love us all forever, and if we come, His door is open to the last day. He knows we are imperfect. The Lord works with, in, and through imperfect people. How miraculous it is, what He can do. And no matter what happens, He will love and forgive us.

"He inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile."

Signal

You know what's horrible? Having to guess what someone thinks of you. And only having their reactions for evidence. Because sometimes people act the opposite of how they feel, and sometimes they don't. And sometimes they send clear signals (rarely) but most often they don't. And sometimes you're just really bad at reading them.

It's especially a pain when you're worried you might be annoying somebody that you really want to make a good impression on. When you feel clingy or needy or just generally annoying. But you've gotta do it, because there's things you have to know or information you need, or maybe you just want to talk to someone. I think this feeling is probably the reason that everybody hates to have to be the one to text first or instigate a conversation. Especially when they're always the first one. Especially when the response really lacks emotion. It feels annoyed. I don't think we've figured out how to handle that yet. Our world of wonderful technology still has great difficulty with interpersonal communication.

Mostly, I think, clear signals are important. It doesn't matter what it's for or why. It should be okay to message someone first. I mean, is kind of necessary to any conversation that it first be started. And I shouldn't feel the need to panic when I have to text/message/call/generally contact someone because I'm worried I'm bothering them and that they won't like me anymore. It's probably just a stupid concern. Does anyone else share this concern? Am I just going mad?

I'd like to issue a small challenge to everyone out there. The challenge is to send clear signals, especially in your digital communications. Don't leave others in the dark!

If you share this concern, please feel free to contact me somehow. I promise I'll be glad to hear from you.

Ninety

This post is purely for the purpose of getting the count of posts up to an even ninety. That is all. Feel free to comment or whatever :)

Gold

Have you ever noticed how the trees catch the sunlight?
It descends from the sky and the leaves rise to meet it
Simple
Have you ever noticed the way the trees grow?
Never concealing their longing for above, always striving upwards
Simple
Have you ever noticed the pattern of the light that the branches cannot hold?
It is made more beautiful by the shadows, by having been held.
Easy
Have you ever noticed the way they work together?
The branches hold the sun and they grow, each making the other more beautiful
Easy
Have you ever noticed how humans are not trees?
And we are not the sky, with its constant giving of light
We're complicated
Have you ever noticed that it's rare for people to come out and say what they feel?
Instead they pretend, they hide, and they flee for fear of pain
Complicated
I want to be a tree

Sweeping

The broom brushes the ground
Swift, swift, one direction
Propels the dust away
It floats through the air
Through the sunlight
The beam falling perfectly
The scent is sweet but dark
The scent of dirt
Slowly, the dust dissipates, settled
The broom pushes on

Chalkboard

No more scritch-scratching
For this old and worn out chalkboard
No more writing, erasing, and writing again
No more screeches of chalk across the black
This old broken chalkboard has been put aside
Left outside in the rain
The chalk won't write as well
And the surface is scarred
Nobody needs a run-down chalkboard
They've moved on to better things
Whiteboards and markers that aren't as messy
Projectors and technology
No need for a black board and powdery sticks
The chalkboard gets left behind
Sometimes I think that we move on too quickly
And forget to be grateful for what we had before 

Retrospection

I've been thinking about the past. Never a good thing to do, right? It wasn't this time.

I've been remembering the friends I had and how we kind of fell apart

I've been remembering the bad times and the good with equal amounts of melancholy.

I've been remembering why I chose what I did.

I've been remembering all the heartbreak.

I've been remembering the people who left, who walked away.

I've been remembering the people that never really saw me.

I've been remembering all the fun things that don't happen anymore.

I've been remembering old insecurities

And it's good I've got a fabulous group of friends here. Because already I have enough memories with them to combat this melancholy. Even though it's barely been a month since we all met. Time doesn't seem to matter in this case.

I'm remembering dinner. Multiple times. Mostly at Heather's apartment.

I'm remembering playing 1000 Blank White Cards. Until 12:20am. That game got pretty crazy.

I'm remembering how we played Shadow Hunters instead of going to whatever sports thing was going on that night.

I'm remembering multiple weeks of tunnel singing.

I'm remembering the first night, at NSO. When all us non-Helaman people got walked home. That's when I realized I wanted to key these friends around.

I'm remembering every day in the Wilk. Just hanging out in the same spot.

I'm remembering multiple shopping trips for various items.

I'm remembering Heather's surprise party! I still can't believe we pulled that off. And then we played some more 1000 Blank White Cards. Because why not.

And after writing this, I feel better. Less tired of my own company. More able to deal with things. And who cares if it's my seventh blog post today. Seven is a lucky number right? And overall, I'm really a very lucky girl.

Five Words

I recently read this post over at the blog of my friends' RA, and decided to take the challenge. It was to describe yourself using only five words. So here goes!

Confident
Insecure
Believer
Dreamer
Constant

Okay, that's the simple part. Kind of.

I think I'll analyze/explain them now.

Feel free to stop reading. I won't be offended, promise.

This is a funny exercise, because I'm pretty sure the words would change, depending on the day. The experiences of my day have shaped how I think of myself this evening.

CONFIDENT: I am confident in who I am. I am confident in my with as a person and secure in the life I live. I am where I am supposed to be, and doing my best to be all I can. And in the end, there's no call to ask for more than someone's best, am I right?

INSECURE: Even though I'm mostly secure in who I am, there always gonna be something. My legs, my nose, my inherent desirability (as mentioned in the last post) and even sometimes doubts about the confidence that I have. That's part of being human, but it's enough of a struggle for me that it makes my list of words.

BELIEVER: I have so much faith, okay, religious and otherwise. In everything. I believe the best of everything. I believe in God and His gospel. I believe in my friends and in certain kinds of magic. I believe in miracles and in joy.

DREAMER: Constantly. I live in my dreams, through my dreams. I write them, I draw them, I remember them, I create them. I dream of fiction and of my future. I dream a lot of things.

CONSTANT: I don't change who I am. I try to be trustworthy, to be kind and sure, to be a rock when the world is roiling around us in a mass of sin and hurt and pain. If there's something you can count on, it's that I'll always be a friend. No matter what. No matter what I feel for you, what our past is, what you feel for me, whatever. You need a friend, I'll be there. Constant. I'll give my best to be the kind of friend that I want to have.

The end! If you got this far, then you are awesome. Have one free hug, to be redeemed next time you see me!

Skepticism

Skepticism.

I don't get it.

I'm also a born optimist.

And terribly tenacious when it comes to wanting something that I have no chance of getting.

It seems that sometimes bad experiences make people so jaded that they forget what good there is in the world. (Or they see the world for what it really is. I choose to not believe that is true.)

But my bad experiences haven't done that.

Whether it be friends, family, romantic relationships, horrible world tragedies, abuse, dumb laws like making weed legal in Colorado, whatever, I cannot be skeptical. I can't.

I tried once, for a few days. It was horrible.

Why do people feel that way? Do they choose it? Are they born with a predisposition for skepticism? Is it possible to experience so much that it just occurs, and I'm just sheltered? (The sheltered part isn't a question)

That sounds horrible.

I think it might be the third option. I really do. And I just haven't had enough heartbreak to really be skeptical. But honestly, I can feel it growing.

But it's not skepticism about the existence of love or the goodness of people. It's more like a belief that it's something to do with me- that something about the way I relate to the world makes it impossible for me to have a romantic relationship. Or even a really close friendship. I seem to push people away sometimes. And I'm never the one they go to first with their secrets. Which is sad, because if nothing else, I can listen.

And it's not a self esteem struggle, not really.

Oh well. This post is not about my problems with how I see myself either. But I do wonder if it's part of why I'm not skeptical yet. So many of my experiences with people have ended badly, or have had negative effects on my life. And I wonder if my view that it's something to do with me and not them has contributed to my thoughts that the world is still an essentially good place.

My theory is that insecurity is keeping me from skepticism.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That phrase is suddenly much more meaningful.

Can't I, can't we, deny both of them? Can't we all just be confident and optimistic?

That's what I want most of all, for everyone on this earth. Confidence and optimism. Both, not one or the other. I want an idealistic world. The kind of place where people are kind and loving and everyone supports everyone else, and everybody has a place and can be confident. And there's no unrealistic expectations, and the fact that I wear t shirts and jeans instead of dressing up, and that I keep my hair in braids and ponytails that take maybe two minutes rather than elaborate hairdos that take hours. I want it to be okay that there is no "typical" when it comes to style, hair, or humanity in general.

Basically I'm that little kid that's crying in the corner. "Can't everyone just get along?"

But can't we?

I secretly am in love with the sky
Though bound to the earth beneath
It calls to me with its azure blue
Colors and mountains like teeth

Good Morning

I am so grateful to my bishop for challenging me to study my scriptures for thirty minutes in the morning instead of right before bed. Since I've begun this practice, only about a week ago, I have already seen blessings.

This morning, I left my apartment absolutely psyched about life. Suddenly being alive was just so exciting! It was wonderful! And it doesn't hurt that it was a gorgeous morning! I'm going to try and get out early tomorrow and take some photos, because Provo mornings are stunning. The sunrise over the mountains, the trees- so many trees- and the leaves just beginning to yellow. The cool air, the peace, it is beautiful. And I had my music playing, I was walking to class, abs everything was positively gorgeous. The world was a miracle.

Just about everything is going well in my life right now. I'm sure I could find reasons to be stressed, but on days like this, why would I want to? I just want to walk around outside and look at the trees, and appreciate the glory that God has created for us. This world is a gift to us, and I love it.

I am an artist because I cannot see the world as anything but beautiful

Words and Souls

What is it that I love about reading what someone else has written? What is it that makes it one of my favorite things to do?

I believe it's for many of the same reasons as why I love to read in general. I'm sure you've seen that quote about when you fall in love with a character in a book, you're falling in love with their soul. You can't actually see them, but through the words on the page, you understand their mind, their heart, their wants. Yuri begin to know what they'll do, what they'll choose, or who they'll love. Their souls become as familiar to you as your own in that short time. It's fascinating how characters on a page can mean so much to us, and that language, something so simple and seemingly above such creative concerns, could spell the characters out for us. How can words make someone seem just as real as any other human being? It is a wondrous thing.

We are all made of words. All kinds of them, eternal varieties, strung together in phrases, occasionally standing alone. They constantly shift and change around the core of who we are. Words are the essence of us. In my mind, I picture a human silhouette, beating red heart st the core, composed of words. And what this words are makes up who they are. It's all about what words we choose to keep, and which we throw away. That's why I love to read what other people have written in the energy of their heart. It truly is as if the writer has handed me a piece of their soul. Getting to know someone this way feels strange to me, but also special. You can't always see or touch them as you read, but within your mind, you began to see the shape of their soul. And human souls are beautiful things, full of depth and darkness, light and poetry.

It is the greatest trust, I think, to show someone what you have written. Not school papers, but something you wrote because you could, because the words clamored against your skull and wouldn't leave you alone until you let them out and set them on a page. To show someone that is truly meaningful. This is why I blog. I want to trust the world, and I want them to know what my words are. I have even learned what some of my own words are by writing! These are the words that make up my soul. And to read others' blogs or writing or anything is so precious to me, because what we write reveals so much.

Writing is a miracle, for in it we discover what it means to be human. We discover what it means to be ourselves, and who others truly are in their hearts.

The human soul is made of words. Share them wisely, my friends.

Not Whitman

Written in Missionary Prep class. No relation to Whitman except the phrase. Whitman was a far better poet than I could ever claim to be.

O Captain my Captain
How great thou art
How glorious, how generous
Thy blessings impart
We unworthy servants
On this earth below
Do all we can do
Our love we shall show
O Captain my Captain
My Father, my friend
Always by my side
You'll stay until the end
And though I'm inconstant
Thy child I'll be
And learn of thee, Father
And sit at thy knee

What Have I Started?

Okay, it probably has nothing to do with me. Or very little. But the fact remains that when I got to college, none of my friends had blogs.

And now everyone's starting one. Gradually.

We have become a group of bloggers.

It's actually pretty fun! Reading people's thoughts is one of my favorite things.

Anyway, their blogs will be great. So here are some links, go check them out! I'll try to keep this updated with them but no promises.

AmericanPhilosophe
Heather
Boo

And more to come! Hopefully I typed all the URLs right!

PS Shoutout to Jared who has had a blog for a while, but is still cool!

PPS Thanks to my friends for not bringing out the stress in me :)

Tuesday's Prayer

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions. Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road! O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

(2 Nephi 4:28-35)

Eeyore

Bah humbug.

Okay, wrong character. Whatever.

You know those moods where you're just grumpy and don't know why? And you've gotta pretend to be happy, but really you just want to their a tantrum and be sad and eat a gallon of ice cream and get a hug from that one person. But there's so much to do and you can't stop, you can't rest now, or you'll fall too far behind. You have to keep trekking on. I am far too familiar with these moods.

Honestly, I know why it's happening. We played a Thousand Black White Cards until 12:20 last night. I don't regret it- totally worth it- but it's giving me the grumps now. In truth, I haven't had enough sleep in a while. College does that. Homework, work, social life, and if you want them all, you lose sleep. A lot of sleep.

Anyway, I need a hug. And a nap. And possibly a lot of food.

Get some good sleep, guys.